so the year has not yet ended

woke up abt 20 mins ago to a blacked sky. i thought i had missed the countdown
but in the end i realised that it was only raining..heavily
2 groups have emerged. one wants to chiong and get wasted while the other just wants a peaceful one gathered at someone's place to chat the year away.
but it's raining

i don't wanna get wet
i hate to be wet

but time is running out and i think daddys going out with the the car.

so the year is ending

i just wasted 10 minutes while trying to open an opendiary a/c but got so pissed at the stupid offers and marketing shit which they so fervently bombard me with that i just decided to end the process by clicking on the "x" button at the top right hand corner.

it's almost 3 and i still have no plans on what to do for the night.
am i a loser? it's kinda sad realising that i was kinda late in planning for what to do. all my friends who have girlfriends are out with them the ones who don't are out with other friends. leaving me alone? have i no friends?
k lame attempt at acting pitiful there.
right now my main concern is getting sleep. worst come to worst i hang out with miss PS2 lor.

somehow i'm been having a bad bout of "bad luck/shit/suayness" (whatever you call it) and it seems to be stretching into the new year. i hope it ends soon even though i know life isn't fair. i hope 2005 will be a better one for me. 2004 gave me a hope that maybe love would find its way to me...it did...but it died. not having hopes of it resurrecting in 2005 though....we'll see
i hope the office will become a better place too...with me acting though and all maybe those tyrants will think that i'm a fiesty one and disturb me less....we'll see

but in the words of yunalesca from ffx "hope is comforting" - something used to console us in times of shit when it actually doesn't help the situation.

argh gotta sleep i sense insanity coming soon. like one big emotional tsunami.

a movie; the zoo; dead bodies



the past night i was out watching a movie with a girl friend of mine --something which i stopped doing since i entered the beautiful world of NS. the movie was crap; oceans twelve somehow didn't give me that sense of thrill which ocean's eleven gave when i watched the movie maybe like three years ago. and yes marina square cineplex is screwed i can't believe that i spent 15 minutes trying to locate the damn cinema cos of their concurrent renovation works for a better future. for those of you all who wanna watch a movie at marina, enter by the ritz side or the oriental side (walk to oriental's main entrace and go up the stairs there); movie aside, managed to catch up on things with reggie after like so long of not seeing her. i have to admit that maybe there's still hope for mankind. with a person like her who's so ever willing to help others (in the area of social work) and being optimistic and all. those who know me will know that i'm the opposite. mankind is doomed. anyways i wish her the best in her pursuit of finding a good husband and settling down. (that's her plan in 5 years,she's working on it)oh after that i went to meet up with another friend of mine: ah pek who just got back from sydney for his vacation. told me lots of shit abt the new uni life overseas and stuff. seems to me there're alot of stuff which i have yet to think about. my only big worry is i hope the friend i'm going with will be able to tahan all those shit..if not i will be shit too.


woke up at 1.45pm tdy and turned on my phone...only to realised that i have 7 missed calls and 7 smses. well done. i have failed in my maintanence of SQA by waking up late. i was suppossed to meet darryl at ginza plaza at 12.30pm and go to the zoo together with kennetha nd stanley. after abt 5 minutes of calling here and there to set new timings, i proceeded to take a 5 minute express bath while darryl made his way to my house. then the best thing happened. rain fell from the heavens. it was no damper though, we did go to the zoo in the end (it has changed incredibly the last time i visited it when i was still in pri 1) though we could have spent more time there. the animals was all kinda bored as usual. i must say the best occupation in life would be an animal living in the zoo. you get to slack and eat free food until the day you die.hate people looking at you? find a corner and sleep. if you're bored you can escape the zoo and have a little odyssey of your own and yes, you get to see chicks and hunks either through the looking glass or a few feet away from the moat of your enclosure. who knows, it may seem that the zoo has come to you instead. children and guys chasing girls are definetly animals. maybe i shall get free tickets again next year.

everyday from 4 days ago i can't help but hear/see news of the tsunamis that struck acheh every breathing moment of my life. in a way, looking at the dead bodies strewn haphazardly on the once prefect shorelines of the tourist islands of asia seemed like the scene from final fantasy x, where SIN attacked the coastal town of Kilika...and also the part where they tried to destroy sin but failed. now i know why they say Life's like a game. it's depressing. and with so many people missing at all. depressing. i guess the only thing i can do right now is say prayers to those affected. because eventually, everything is emotional.

boxing day

i'm finally back from around the world
from my previous entry till now i visited my uncle's place for christmas dinner, made a trip to sylvia's houses to fetch a damn bird only to deliver it to my other uncle's at kallang bahru. Felt bored so i decided to head on down to town to meet up with my colleagues from PNSD. headed back home to grab sylvia's present and my neighbour b4 reappearing at her place to give it to her.

so this is it. Christmas come and gone. it took so much effort to wait in expectation and now it's come and gone. sounds so much like a relationship which ended in breakup huh. 5 more damn days to the new year. 2004 has been a shitty year for me.

Another year, Another tree
But this year you won't be with me
and now it's gone leaving me
to wait one whole year
yesterday used to be, my favorite holiday
My Christmas Eve was filled with dreams
But Today came and chased them all away

Why did you leave me for Christmas?
You left me lonely its true
Could you have waited til New Years?
At least the year would be through
And now the misletoe's hanging
For no reason at all
And all the presents are unwrapped
But there isn't You.

because eventually, everything is emotional.

reboot

woke up at 11.30am only to wonder how i managed to find my bed when i got home last night. surprisingly i had done everything that i should before i went to bed, which included:
-locking the damn door,
-taking off my shoes and socks and then putting my shoes on the shoe-rack and socks in the washer
-bathing and dumping my clothes in teh washer
-wrapping my parents's christmas gifts and placing them in the toilet where they would see them the first thing in the morning.

but i forgot i had 4 cuts on my hand and reality hit me back again

today, i was pissed at 2 things :
-at why my mum didn't refill the damn toilet paper in the toilet
-how a complete fucking mess my room is

and with that i shall spend christmas afternoon packing it up

christmas

a merry christmas to all
what the Bible said was true
"don't ever get drunk"

pre christmas

just returned from a rough night out at the movies and zouk
well intially i just headed down to town to pick up a few presents for my cousins...until we decided to watch a movie (national treasue); which not only had a fittingly nice plot but also a dash of ingenuity for factual fiction. after the movie, we initially planned to go home until i ahd the stupid idea of going to zouk/phuture to rave since i'll be taking leave the next day...and sure as hell did we rave. from running around between phuture and zouk till stoning outside and watching the chick go by...lol saw a few of them puking their guts out though..i think i took a videoclip of one..but fuck it i'm too tired to look at it anyway.

last christmas i gave you my heart
the very next day you gave it away
this year to save em from fear
i shot myself with shot eternal joy

my only wish

i just got back from hanging out with my usual gang-o-friends. its good to see them after like..4 mths? and wad the hell all of them are attached already which only leaves me and justin single. looking at Lip's newfound angel i can't help but feel happy albeit abit envious for him. eitherways, the meet and greet session was what the brits would term "brilliant" / or "lovely".


Santa can you hear me
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is near
She's all I want just for me
Underneath my christmas tree
I'll be waiting here santa thats my only wish this year
I hope my letter reaches you in time
Bring me love can call all mine
cause I have been so good this year
well if you can't i'll just settle for an ipod

passion


the source of our finest moments
the joy of love
the clarity of hathred
and the estacy of grief

it hurts sometimes
more than we can bear
if we could live without passion
maybe we would know some
kind of peace

but we would be hollow.

empty rooms, shuttered and dark
without passion
we would be truly dead

drusilla

does it ever get easy?
you mean life?
yeah, does it get easy?
what do you want me to say?
lie to me.
yes, it's terribly simple
the good guys are always stalwart and true
the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats.
and we always defeat them and save the day
no one ever dies and everybody lives happily ever after
liar.

-Lie To Me

out of Tracom 1 year 1 day on...



I just got back from the wedding earlier mentioned. i'm quite surprised i survived it cos it wasn't as bad as i expected it to be. Lucky for me i sat next to my dad's best friend who told me about what he and my dad and his gang of monkeys did while they were young. No wonder my dad was so afraid that i would become a bastard when i grew up...cos he was one when he was a kid...from stealing fruits to killing rats with home made "guns" with the tips of bicycle spokes as ammo to killing dogs and king cobras and other stuff which i shan't mention wtf.

i must surpass my dad one day.

anyway, back at the topic of tracom. it's been 1 year and 1 day since i left that shitty place. looking back, i'm quite lucky to have an office job unlike the other police officers. i get to earn hours, keep my public holidays and have a pretty much normal life than the other people in the defective force as well as divisional police officers.

i'll just have to survive 290 more days

not forgetting as an when i can just take leave to hit the beach like yesterday,
where me and another like minded idiot decided to take the 2nd half of the day off to go to sentosa to chill. we chose tanjong beach cos i decided that if he were to drown, at least we wun sia suay as much as if he were to drown at palawan or siloso beach cos tanjong beach is the most remote of the 3.

he didn't drown.

and there weren't many chicks too
at least i managed to get a tan or something.

Out of tracom 1 year on...

Today marks 1 year since i passed out of Police Academy. right now at this time, i would be marching in the POP parade.
as for now, i'm going to a stupid wedding dinner with the only people i know being my mum and probably my dad's friends.
dammit.

untitled

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

disappointment

staring into hyperspace
in the night at Time's pace
tears well up in bloodshot eyes like
a thousand nails piercing
through thin ice
a heavy heart, an empty soul like
the joy of Death, on a newborn holds
thoughts of self, thoughts of life
thoughts of never having a wife.
thoughts of failure, thoughts of doubt
thoughts of achievement, of
beating the crowd
thoughts of you, thoughts of me
thoughts of going on
a killing spree
thoughts of summer, thoughts of joy
thoughts of paradise
lost
like a broken toy.
waiting is a painful task
knowing and waiting makes twice the fuss
i want to know the meaning of
peace and love of
kindness, joy and blissfulness
till the whole earth is shrouded in ash
till the sunlight burns all sight
till the end of time and space
give me This Moment's grief with grace

kenneth

the day was spent by first driving my director to tracom and wasting 3 hours of my life there waiting for him. Of course, i didn't just waste it by rotting in the car, i went to the canteen and library. Afterwhich it was back to PCC where we had this redundantly important deeparaya celebration cum ord party and then driving my supervisor and mugly to cmpb and phq and then heheh...

the end is near.
people in the 109 Intake will be leaving soon.
one of them is kenneth.
the man whom i felt who's character is closest like mine
hating stupidity. dissing ah bengs. fucking authority.
fucking authority. respecting the righteous.
expressing our thoughts.
practical.
logical.
ruthless.
kind.
that's us. i must say it was fun having him in office
and just like darryl and ian and the rest of the gang
he's leaving for a better life.

i'll always remember the secret missions
the silent plans of strict restriction
of arduous journeys to the east and north
and dangerous voyages to the west and south
the times spent at fishops and sim lim sq
the time in bangkok where we almost wanted to kill
everybody for being so slow
they're great memories
of a life once spent
and just like what memories do
they make me sad
realising that i'm more alone now
stuck in that shithole.
nevertheless i wish you godspeed in your endeavors in life
continue to fuck the world
cos' it's only right.




yam seng.

social worker

2 new kids in the pen
totalling 6 in the den
it's driving me mad
making me scared
waiting to get out of
this crazy mess

fear of tonight
fear of sight
of future of past
of present this night
fear of rejection
truth and lie
fear of all things
dead or alive

sitting right here
in lighted virtuosity
blinking, clicking, tapping away
in the life of darkness
dead of the night
feels so much like Home
yet doesn't

feelings wax and
feelings wane
feelings are but temporal
about personal gain

without the right moment
at the wrong time
it feels like fish sex

in the end, it's just feelings

notice how it gets crappier 6 lines above? cos' i was being distracted by a girl called regina. she wants to be a social worker and is leaving on friday. i noe she's reading this and probably wants me to say i will miss her

ok. i will miss her

the edge of reason

every day i would wake up to this :

until i got so pissed with it that not wanting to be like the man in my nasi lemak joke, i decided to do this :

for the whole damn day...cep't maybe at night to prevent ninjas from coming into my room.
feels better without those grid lines. i never liked constraints anyway maybe that's why i find it so hard to commit to things.
after a 2 week "holiday", think back --

8 Nov - Worked
9 Nov - Half day MC
10 Nov - MC
11 - Deepavali
12 - Worked
13-15 - Weekend + Holiday in Lieu of Hari Raya
16 - ORD Shoot
17-19 -Flash course

i'm beginning to feel the boredom of working later today sink in.

i thought about the following while taking a shit in the loo:

if telling the truth isn't always good
then lying isn't always bad
and if telling the truth makes someone feel bad
then lying can be good
if good things can come from lying
and bad things can come from telling the truth
then although sometimes telling part of the truth
has the same end result as telling a lie (that is if lying would hurt)

sounds like programming huh.
argh fuckit.
i conclude that
lying is good.

if it isn't, i would be lying.

flashing and dashing

day 2 of the flash course. i just realised that i'm the youngest in the class full of korkor-ish and jiejie-ish people not forgetting the handful of aunties...so far so good pace and all cept that i think i'm down with the damn flu.
bored as hell. waiting for the lecturer to continue with class while the slower ones hang on with life.
i noticed i always try to be different while flashing
thus the phrase
kiang ju hoh...mai ge kiang

i'm a flasher!!.

day one of the flash course. everything's cool and fun. in fact, my course mate said this "i like this class...all very slow learners"
there are no chicks though.dammit! but at least it's very near holland village
lol
having break now...and messing
around with the flash environment.
heck i'm beginning to feel the "designer" in me.

human memory is just a record.
we can erase that record. really?.

-went for ord shoot tdy. almost messed up if not for Grance

lately Nostalgia has been haunting me in my wakefullness and in sleep. so much more that sleep is no longer sleep for me.
images of the past keep flashing back everytime i space out or seconds after i close my eyes and delve into the perfect vortex of darkness.
i recall the time while i was in primary one doing my Nespe maths workbook while lying on the walkway in the master bedroom;the time i was walking in the garden of my late granfather's garden, how i used to lie fully stretched out on the backseat of my old man's green SBB7573H Honda Civic every sunday while we head to my grandmother's house; the time when i pulled the sofa in the hall to the middle of the hall to play street fighter on my sega genesis; switching on my first computer to play duke nukem and typing on wordperfect 6; eating this yellow chicken flavoured snack called "kaka" after going swimming with my dad after school. (he would wait for me to sing the damn national anthem at the end of the day at school on fridays); how my mum would take me to the arcade to play after am/session school and recently after cleaning out my den, this weird feeling of "everything is clean and proper and neat ---> just perfect for starting out on a new school year" keeps getting to me.

in a sense it's soothing, surreal yet scarey.

i mean wtf am i having these flashbacks and feelings? is Instinct telling me something (normally bad) is going to happen? having memories of the past suddenly coming back to me and that doesn't usually happen. and if they do, there has to be a reason.

what's the worth of a happy memory when it comes back to mind when you're sad, further burying you into deeper joyful sadness.

i think i need to see a shrink.
but maybe i can self medicate
redbull gives me wings

i did this earlier tonight on freehand. and realised that i don't like freehand cos somehow it messed up my dimension and resolution (it's damn bad but when printed it's ok) thingy. maybe i'm a noob that's why.



i just realised. all those memories, they made me feel safe at the time they happened.
but not now.

maybe this is the end of reason
maybe this is where realisation sinks in
for right now i know
i am all alone.

laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone

the big cleanup

as i mentioned earlier. i did wake up (at 1pm) to clean my stupid messed up room. the whole operation took 4 hours....

i cleaned and cleared my room. cleaning was easy although it involved shifting whatever was on my L-table off into somewhere and getting rid of the stupid wires which ensued :



after 2 pail changes of detergent and alot of dust later i had to wipe all the appliances one by one. (my favs were my ps2 and lcd monitor so i took extra care to wipe them) and since you take off your pants b4 ur underwear and put on ur underwear b4 ur pants i had to do the same to the whole damn table. dummies read : take off appliances--> clean table --> clean appliances --> put back appliances on table--> connect the cables.

now came the clearing part. it was harder as it involved throwing away stuff which i may be emotionally attached to and although i clean my room bi-annually i still have alot of junk cos either i can't bear to throw them away; or i'll have this stupid aunty thinking of "i may need it next time"

so i started with the 2 plastic boxes under my table. This time i had grown stronger. i managed to throw most of the stuff in it away.. camp books (screw the memories, most of the people prolly won't remember me anyway) test-tubes and other stuff from school (yes i was a cheeky one) toys etc

until i came across a sealed up pack titled "regrets". my first thought was "wtf? how come i had a pack of regrets hiding in my room (think lit guys lol) and thus i opened it..

fuck.



it was a pack of consolidated paraphernalia (ie notes, letters, photographs, a ring and a breakup letter) from my prev prev prev relationship. (well at least i was smart enough to not leave them around EVERYWHERE in the room i kept them in a pack) funny how it still existed although i've thought that i've thrown it away so many years ago. i thought back and wondered for awhile on what we could have been and shit..the feeling sucks. after reading the stupid breakup letter i realised (and remembered) that the reason why it didn't work out was cos she felt that i did not have enough time for her and didn't show her enough love. hmm.. come to think of it maybe i wasn't too obvious in those little actions of love (not that i'm superstitious i'm a damn aquarian and they aren't gd at expression) and shit and yeah maybe i was easily distracted (she did mention i did not hear her out when she called me and i was playing cs) but one things for sure i did love her. i realised i was retarded too cos i dun recall going back her. bastard right? we all make mistakes i guess. well at least i'll know what to take note of next time i have a girlfriend (if i ever have one right now there seems to be NO FUTURE.)

ah. fuckit. it's over 5 fucking years ago man

and so i tore and slashed and burned the happy meal pack to the high heavens
and got on with my life (clearing my room)
lit guys will prolly think "oh johnny's got rid of the chain that's binding him and maybe you're right cos i thought of that too

hmm i threw away alot of computer stuff and books which i thought i was being stupid cos i recall at one point of time i just bought books for the sake of buying and reading which meant buying books with no value like "flight of the eagles" ...wtf man how sad was i. and did i meantion i was sad enough to listen to backstreet boys and ott? FUCK. well. got rid of them.

all in all it was quite a happy day. 11 ntuc bagfulls of trash, 1 happy pack (the regrets pack) and 1 kg of dust (k i was kidding)

now i have to get a new watch for myself next month.
it's the last thing that's binding me.
right now, i'll just live for the moment.

what am i doing

surprisingly, when i plan for stuff to do, it always gets screwed up but when i don't, weird shit starts happenning to me. take today for eg. i wanted to "not waste the night" since tomorrow's (or rather tdy)a holiday. problem was, everyone on my msn/icq/phone book list was either occupied or were the people i figured spending the night with would not be o-so-smooth for me. except for one guy. deenie. was hanging with him when one of my friends called me and asked if i wanted to go hang out. being bored and for the fact deenie was about to leave i agreed. and so the saga with another close buddy of mine and 3 girls started.

it was weird. maybe cos i wasn't prepared. but still weird.
if today's incident was an rpg battle., i would have levelled up a pathetic 2 exp points

dumb. after hearing from most of my friends that they have or are "cleaning up my room" i decided i shall pack my room later when i wake up. it's in the same state ass my mind right now -- MESSED UP. unless of course something else interesting pops into my face for the day.

making out with people
i hardly know or like
I can't believe what I do
late at night.
holding up the book in my hands
i read the last page so well
but i can't see the first
standing at the gates i see
the beauty above
and not feel it
i just had a bad night.
i just had a bad night.

complicated

i long for the
warmth of days gone by
where innocence was still a virtue
and lies were considered sacriligeous


lately apathy has sunken into me, not that it wasn't already resident in me.
there're so many movies/anime/tv drama episodes for me to clear. so much that i have no time. not forgetting the many things i have yet to learn which i have used the phrase "not enough time" as an excuse to procrastinate.

the things we possess will ultimately possess us all.

maybe i should just close my eyes, highlight all the files and hit shift+delete followed by a space? or close my eyes and smash the com?
why close my eyes?
the heartache would still be there. it doesn't help in anything

we do so many things, write up SOPs and instructions on how to do certain things on the pretext of "for smoother transmission", "for proper channelling", "for ease of pain", "fo convenience"; basically "for the better". when actually everything can be cut down and simplified into a single step.

which reminds me...the bitchlorette just sent me an email telling me to minimise on the word "fuck" in my conversations with the peeps when obviously the person who was saying "fuck" in all previous message history wasn't me.

is "fuck" that really bad a word? if so, why would it be in a dictionary.
it's useful. that's why it's in the dictionary.

maybe that's why we live in a complicated world.

one day technology will burn itself out

winter's warm and summer's cold.
it's raining here almost everyday.
how i wish hail would just fall and
kill everyone else.

home

you tell me that i'm home
but why, why don't i ever feel it
like a fish out of living water
ice in the fire

and love dances on our minds
and we fall into each other's eyes
time passes us by

talking at starbucks
over coffee and a biscotti
and that was when; when
you made me feel human
part of this universe

slamming; slamming down the receiver
is it over; our little adventure
and now; bottle of merlot later
i feel so much sober
its like runing through the rain

you tell me that i'm home
buy why, why don't i ever feel it
were the higher powers having fun
making love a big great pun

got to the heart of the matter
and lingered
problems unsolved, feelings dwindled
shouldn't have let go, persisted
and now, now's a case of tristan and isolde
the settling of a story

you tell me that i'm home
and now; i feel the pain of silence
biting into my selfless state of mind
and home feels cold indeed.

understand this is a dream

so quiet. another wasted night.
winamp steals the conversation
i can't believe i sprained my back
for the first time in my life. must be getting old. anyway 2 days of mc was nice
the only regret i had was not taking leave for friday.
if i did, i would literally not be working for one week.
been playing star ocean : till the end of time lately
nice game but full of shit cos their maps are horrendous

just got back from a failed attempt to enter phuture
watched some thai horror movie called "shutter" instead.
predictable yet intriguing
my adidas watch is going crazy. the time keeps on jumping towards the future
maybe my time is up?

there's just so many things that i wanna do
but can't find the time to
we are all in love
and we all got hurt

mind in death in mind

the universe looks down on june
every night, every hour
the only thing that looks back at it
her lifeless soul within her eyes
she looks so pretty in her bloodstained dress
like pinot noir in the old winepress
but it served well
it served well

across the ocean tim's body lies
full of maggots and squatter flies
malnutrition and mercury
the culprits of his misery

amber hangs upon a tree
her broken neck her spirit free
she looks so peaceful and oh so sweet
who'd have known about this heartless deed

three tragic deaths on the
very same day
what could be said
come what may
that life's as short as a butterfly's
colourful flippity and after awhile
it dies

the last juror

i've just finished reading "the last juror" by john grisham and sad to say, it was quite disappointing 'cos the outcome was clearly predicatable. true, he did try to keep his story interesting by creating the ocassional twist; but i've also noticed that there's too much wastage of paper in the inclusion of so many importantly redundant characters which do not really affect the story at all. crap. is this it? are his books really going down the drain? or was "the last juror" actually aimed at a racial/political topic rather than the usual legal one?

lately i've been filled/motivated to do a lot of things. but the stupid problem is time. with 8.5 hours a day that'll only leave me with another 8hrs b4 i hit the sack. it's no wonder the working class people are so moody. they literally don't have a life.

i'm falling sick.
the runny nose came yesterday
the dry cough today
tomorrow my ears will be blocked
and by sat i would have acquired full fledged bird-flu from bangkok

kiss me. we shall enjoy death in eternity.

i'm starting to feel christmasy again

with my recent return from a much deserved but inadequate break
and with the increasingly frequent rainy weather which i'm experiencing right now
with the cool air lingering around me
and the half-fuck christmas decorations along orchard road and various stores
with the fact that it's already november 3
and that i have slightly more than 300 days to ord

i'm starting to feel christmasy again

it's a nice feeling, being cosy and stuff. the sense of peace. Although i have a feeling it may be fake but even a fake sense of peace is able to calm me for at least a second. maybe...nostalgic?

whatever it is, it's nice (ok i'm starting to sound gay again)

but sad to say,

THE OFFICE PEOPLE STILL PISS ME OFF.

so let's just hope this christmasy feeling will be able to make me happy and have something to look forward to.

some say i am crazy
others angsty
all i can say is
if you were me,

what would johnny do?

bangkok revisited

i just got back from a 3d3n vacation affair at bangkok. indeed, it has been 3 years since i last visited the asian capital renowned for its traffic jams, sex and the vices. it has nevertheless left me amazed though - thus the slogan "amazing thailand"
many things have chaneged - the electric rail infrastruce has been upgraded (it now has 2 lines instead of 1), shops are better organised and structured and more thais know how to speak english now.

the vacation was a departmental affair, some annual gathering shit but when we got there, it wasn't really a gathering cos everyone wasted no time in forming their own cliques and scurrying around town like any average singaporean would do, thus the irony. i myself was quite disappointed cos i could not commit myself to a few friends whom i made them think i would go aroud town with them.

anyways, to cut the story short, point form :

night 1 :

- arrived @ don muang airport, was sent to hotel via coach. legs were itchy, went out with everyone in search of food. failure. ate cup noodles instead.

day 1 - night 2:

- woke up, ate breakfast, walked to national stadium bts stn, took a train and alighted one stop later (silly) at siam to go to the ever famous MBK ctr. stormed and explored the place in 2 hrs, ate lunch at sophisticated looking but lousy foodcourt. proceeded to siam discovery centre. conquered it, proceeded to siam centre, conquered it, proceeded to erawan shrine cos my pious friends wanted to pray to buddha, took some shots, took in some city air, choked on some carbon monoxide dust particles, proceeeded to central world plaza (former world trade ctr; did the whole world rename their world trade centres cos of 911?); ate coca there; returned to hotel; swam an emo swim at the hotel pool while friends went for massage;met up with the group and went to suan lum, a new commercialised (sad) but nice environment set up by the thai tourism board for tourists; went to chinatown; went back to hotel.

day 2 - night 3

-woke up, ate breakfast, went to chatuchak market; went to MBK again to eat lunch at MK (some thai steamboat shit) went to siam centre, went back to hotel; swam an emo swim again at the hotel pool while friends went for massage; met up with roomate and walked to tesco (some sub urban mall) for japanese cuisine with another friend; went back to hotel; went to Q-Bar to celebrate a friend's birthday; roomate did not bring shoes; got refused entry; hooray; searched for another bar around the sukumvit area; found one; saw a few fugly transversites dancing; got disgusted;ordered more beer to help me vision them as pretty girls; left the bar; went to patpong while the others went back; left patpong for hotel

day 3 - home

-woke up, ate breakfast,went to MBK for last minute shopping; shitted there ; lost my clique; wasted 2 bucks on stupid friend who's hp reception sucked; found them; completed shopping; left for hotel; checked out; felt sad; left for airport; still felt sad; got onto the plane; slept to help myself to not feel sad; reached singapore(SHIT); accepted the fact that there's work tomorrow.

and so that was it.





the trip as given me insight some of which are :

-singaporeans are still fugly (notice i used the words F-U-G-L-Y)
when it comes to shopping. they shamelessly slash prices to be termed unreasonable and demand to be sold goods at a cheaper price without considering whether the shopkeeper would be able to earn anything at all.
-many people still have not seen the world although they claim to have to
-most guys are horny
-many people can't walk far
-thailand has the best drivers in the world (and i'm not being sarcastic here)

sk972

its pouring heavily outside my window right now
the sky's a sickly yellowish shade and somehow the rain seems to be getting heavier
as if scorning me, forestalling me in my attempt to leave my beseiged castle.

in an hour's time, i would be at changi airport.
in bangkok
living "the beach" life

goodbye to my home.

truth

i just got back from a late night show with gerard
the show was called "old boy" and though it was rated r21 i'm damn sure it's for the impressive violence and not for the distasteful nudity.. which leads me to today's topic : truth

is the truth worth finding out?
at all?
even if it means realising that you've lived a lie your whole life
even if it means realising that the love you share between your sig. other
was fabricated? pre-arranged? intentional? created; not by the both of you?
with your only being; a marionette of Fate?

if so, why do so many people seek the truth
only to fall back into disdain upon finding it
returning as broken men

i guess it's human nature. to be curious.
to be the "kaypoh" and crowd around the corpse of someone who had committed suicide.
to look even though your friend has already warned you "eh dun look the guy/girl not handsome/pretty one"
to want to be let in on the latest gossip

perhaps Pandora was a fool
perhaps Eve was a bitch
but one thing's for sure

curiousity led them to want to find out the truth
only to be screwed by it.

but then again, if they did not find out the truth
and continued to be ignorant; or maybe living their fake perfect lives (if their lives were fake).
what point is there then?

i guess the only solution is that

they should all die

btw the movie was a kick ass show.

the truth will set you free
but ignorance is bliss. is it?

bored. and lame

was bored and so
i decided to be lame
and did
a couple of quizzes
which labelled me lame

again


Peace


?? Which Angel Or Demon Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

and again


You are Wrath/Anger!
Wow... who got you so mad huh ?? You have serious
anger issues!! with a rage that seems somewhat
deadly, and a temper that is easily raised, you
are by far the scariest sin. You tend to let
the little things get to you, and are stressed
fairly easily - and woe be it to any of your
enemies. On the positive side, you're
independent, powerful and a definite leader, if
you could just control your moods!
Congratulations on being the toughest!! ...and the
most independent of all the 7 deadly sins!


?? Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

and again


You're like a Dark Unicorn!


?? Which Mythical Creature Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

and again.


You're Most Like The Season Winter ...

You're often depicted as the cold, distant season.
But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and
Independant. You have an air of power around
you - and that can sometimes scare people off.
You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you
rarely let people in if you can help it. You
can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily
you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be
negative, and hard to relate to, but you give
off a relaxed image despite being insecure -
and secretly many people long to be like you,
not knowing how deep the Winter season really
is.

Well done... You're the most inspirational of
seasons :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

a tribute to darryl


today is the day one of my colleagues officially end his slavery to the nation. he probably won't be reading it but like all other people who i feel deserve respect he shall have his name mentioned at least over here.

darryl can be considered the guy who would ord 1 year before me. which means..by right 1 year from now i would be kissing the department goodbye. But due to some mess stroke of luck, if luck ever existed, i would ord earlier then 17th oct 2005. anyways :

he's one of the few people who can understand as well as crack high level jokes which the denser people would never understand. maybe that's why we're labelled "toxic people" and can click so well. haha. not forgetting his cool sleeping corner where i would always seek refuge when i am feeling so damn sleepy in office. he's also one who would never fail to amuse me when i am feelign so goddamn bored in office. and although he likes to mess my workstation up, he's just being him..which whenever i think back of his silly "mess up johnny's workstation" acts, i never fail to smile to myself.

thanks a lot bro for the funny times , the shitty times, the happy times and the crap most of the time. i hope you'll enjoy your well deserved freedom (not that you deserved to become a slave to the country anyway.) take care of jo*****n and happy studying at SIM.

Don't worry, we'll keep in touch via msn. i swear. YAM SENG.

today



today i saw you again
and today i wept
for after today i doubt
that we would ever cross paths again

i've lost meaning in the little world
beside my lcd monitor of glass sand and water
maybe it's time to give it all up
it has ceased to bring me happiness

hapiness.
the sorrow of those who don't have it
the pain of the destitute
the wound of paradise lost.

plastic beauty

and you came to me
with bright sparkling eyes
too innocent to look at
sacriligeous to think of
why do you try so hard to fit in
when you were made to stand out

a friend and i were idly chatting about how he's going to backup his 40gb of movies and batman and x-men and southpark and whatever tv series and movies that he has so painstakingly downloaded over the months.

me : " but what's the point in doing all these...nothing lasts forever, who knows you may not even have the time to watch them"
friend : " keep lah, then 10 years from now you can watch again...force our kids to watch with us"
me: " you won't have the time controlling those little monsters, let alone sitting down and watching batman with them. morever 10 years from know we probably won't be using cds anymore"
friend : "ya hor...little bastards. but i'll worry about that later"

*spastic laughter ensues*

btw i got my lumix fx-7 today. quite cool to hate. the shopowner even threw in a semi-hard case for me

happiness

as i waited at the bus berth for 282 after a rather unproductive, but expected night of wasteful expenditure, i can't help but notice that almost everyone who walked past wore the same listless and rather unhappy look on their faces. noticebly, about 5 girls who,had actually no relation to each other said goodbye to their clique of friends/boyfriend on 5 different occasions on this same humid night put on the same expression after they were done with their goodbyes...

does everyone look so bored once the fun is over?

if so, then what's the point of being happy, if it only lasts awhile

sensuous ecstatic melancholic joy.

what is the actual value of happiness after we minus off the bidding of farewell hugs and kisses, when enjoyment ends or when finances run out, when loved ones die when day turns to night and vice versa

So much for all the fun we had, it served well
and now it's' gone and they're wasted on time.
So much for your lingering sense of attraction, it served well
and now it's gone and now i've no time left.
So much for this hazy night, it served well
and now it's gone and i've wasted it away.

for even in pain we can sleep

slowly but gently
my body is breaking down
one by one by one by one
the pain in my head hurts so much
so much so that i think i'm going to die of an aneurysm
it's throbbing my senses away

i've lost complete knowledge of time
of this hidden reality so forged by my prison

stomach wrenching contortions
greet me every ungodly hour
them pain is so great
that it is almost so soothing

what have i done
where did i go
to have such pleasures
so generously bestowed on me

Est Sularus oth Mithas

i cannot take this anymore

sometimes i feel that i don't know myself anymore
i play the saint in front of others when i'm actually the
devil incarnate. (as in the case of pushing work not withn my job-scope away to others) but that's the way this world works doesn't it?
full of pretence, sweet nothings and empty promises
but somehow a part of me says "you can't do this",
"it's just so wrong", "stop being a hypocrite"
hypocrisy is relative now
and so does goodwill
but sometimes i just want to break free of it all...and get hurt in the process?
fuckit.

is there any redemption in all of this?

maybe someday there will be
maybe not.
whatever it is, screw the whole lot

we used to share and care for one another when we were young
remember the days in pri/sec school?
but once we're out we build a wall
and undercut each other to reach our own goals.

life wasn't meant to be this way does it?
but then again, even in a world of perfection
we still fall

as in the case of adam and eve.

so where is the love where is the happiness
the joy we all thirst

true poetry was written by a powerful drunk.

silent drive

incessant footsteps follow me
throughout the night througout all time
concrete walls enfold me
in the darkness of night
in the silence of the surroundings
what lies ahead is nothing but space
sacred space so indefinetly full
of the harshness of solitude
in it i find true joy
to bask in the moonlight
of a western sky
gasping of breath could be heard below me
the footsteps become harder
the running stops
and i stand alone in silent glee.

pause

where did i come from
and where am i headed

these words keep ringing in my head as i continue to meet different people as i continue on with life.

joan of arc

she was so sweet, demure
that by just looking at her
i felt myself melting away in a flurry of euphoria
the words could not flow as freely as they should
just in the her presence

and so i took a walk
into the night into endless
space when finally i reached my goal
a book, so greatly coveted
but it could never replace the being
whom i met earlier a few hours ago.

national service. 1 year more to go


exactly at the stroke of midnight, this fair night, one year from this date
i would have officially ended my slavery to the nation. the sacred 3-letter word which is so coveted by every male in this country

looking back, i've already done 14 months of service , with the first 5 mths in the academy and the remainder still counting in a department called PNSD. it seemed so slow when i was in the academy but yet so fast when i was posted in PNSD. so much so that i've alreeady spent at least 9 months there. of course, anyone who have been through so much would say that "time flies" when actually it has always been constant.

i do not deny that i have a better NS life than those people in the SAF. just because it isn't so physically taxing in the police force. and i do not deny that i am blessed with the priviledge of staying out every night thus having a "normal" working-like life. but it has its downsides too and some of them inclue having lower pay as i do not have operational allowance and i spend more than the guys in green. but i guess that's what the rule of conservation is here for. I did not choose my path in NS. CMPB did.

this world is unfair, yet it is able to do justice at certain times.

and so here i am, 21 years on, 14 mths into ns. The days will continue to be long, yet short, more shit to be expected, more scoldings and more lessons to be learnt. at the end of the day, it will be my entitlement to say "ORD LOH!" to all the newbies who have yet to leave the service. and continue on with my dysfunctional life. would i grow stronger then? or be more corrupted in values? would i gain anything from it all?

i have exactly 365 days to find out.

how far would i go

friday 9am. woke up to the fucking morning sky
phone said hi with 2 messages asking me what time to meet and where
replied with 11am kranji mrt stn.
washed up, put some clothes one splashed some cologne on prematurely dried jeans
packed ninja packed checked out of den
knocked door said hi to accomplice and took a bus down to mrt stn
waited for justin who was late. shame to the SAF.
got on the bus zipped through customs, checked out a few chicks and landed in larkin
welcome to cockroach city.

got in the car made a new friend went to have lunch. lunch was gastronimic, sinful anti-halal organs. thank God i was chinese. f.oed and proceeded on sidequest.

took in the sights, consoled myself imagined what my life would be if i were to stay there. concluded it would be truly asian.
bought mooncakes reached saleng dropped them off and f-oed to holiday inn plaza.

welcome to thief haven.
spammed the movies paid in hell notes f-oed and went to send off gerard as he had some shit to do.

new idea: should i stay or should i go?
fuckit.
i decided to stay

new doors opened, a new freedom found
bought tix to "new police story" 9.40pm show at leisure pelangi
went back to ambassador's place to regroup.

after an hour of training my PR skills, it was 7pm
time to eat again. went to taman terasek and spammed the food there.
the sugarcane juice was overkill
i could almost cry

drove around town dropped by the new friend's friends shop and nosed around
it was 9.30pm then
time for the movie .

movie was good albeit abit unrelistic. decided to have supper and went to some derelict place for satay and ice kaching.

it was then that i realised the importance of family.

looking at a family eating together reminded me of my parents
the times we had which were now but a memory
do familes stop doing stuff together as the kids grow older?
or am i just being too traditional.

zonked out went back to base and crashed.

saturday 9am. woke up to a different setting
no more sky. no more sun
just a plain white ceiling
realised i was no longer in home washed up and went for breakfast

breakfast was prata. in a different style. small but thick curry was weird though
ate with justin while new friend went to pick up justin's mum
mum arrived and we continued
dropped her off at the back with justin while i hung around with new friend

the duo returned later and we went off for drinks at this preppy coffee cafe. looked like ya kun and killineys' but it had a somewhat distinct characterisc of its own and respect to that.

11am time to say goodbye, bought some cigarettes and zipped through customs.
welcome back to the city of facades

took the stupid bus back reached home took a shower wrote an entry
zipping off to sim lim soon the night is yet to be determined
tomorrow's another boring day of patrolling at holland village

somehow i found solace in being in a foreign land
somehow i wished for a simple life

i wondered what it would be if there was this special someone who could do those things with me.

growing

many things have happened to me ever since the previous post
take my temporal madness for x japan for example, i could stay up all night just to wait for the queues in order to get them into my hard disk. something which i've not done for a very long time. somehow, their music seem to be able to dissolve the angry cells in me.
the zoo was no much different from the usual. after spending so much time "holding the fort" i decided to abandon it for awhile and take a walk outside. leaving the new kid wondering wtf did i go. i guess the saying was right, the leopard will never teach the cat everything. life is all about discovering, when you know your way around, i guess that's what they call "reaching nirvana". to me, nirvana is an everyday affair in the zoo. cos' so much shit just happens right in front of you that you are forced to gain it almost immediately by dealing with it.
long live the zoo.
i've sinned many times too. i hope my victims forgive me, cos' like everything that revolves around in the zoo, nothing is intentional-intentional, but accidental-intentional. you don't mean to get person A into shit, but somehow, after trying to get person B into shit, person A ultimately gets it. and it's not that i deliberately meant for person B to get into shit...let's just call it "paying back the karma"
i've never been so messed up, until i stepped into the world of NS.

realise

there's no point
in bitching about the shit in life knowing that it will never fail to come your way
there's no point
in being pissed with the world knowing that there'll always be people around to piss you off.
there's no point
in always being nice knowing that there'll always be people who exploit your kindness.
there's no point in dying
knowing that you would have lost the batte.

it is easy to die.
it is harder living up to the challenges of this life

maybe i've come to realise
to once again leave it to Providence to govern my daily life

Crucify my love
If my love is blind
Crucify my faith
If it hinders me
if i'll never know, never trust
That one day my
world would be in colour
Crucify my love
If it should be that way

wrath

recently theres been a spate of incidents which left me none the happier
but instead full of anger. sometimes i really wonder why there'll still be people around to piss you off even though when you're nice to everyone. could this be the rule of conservation? equivilent trade? nature's divine balance? if it is...shouldn't i be pissing others off as well? or would that upset the balance. if so, someone innocent would definelty be screwed as well. i hope it didn't take me 21 years to realise that fairness does not govern life and death in this world. if not all the good people would have died old (imagine such a heaven, where all the bad hats died young!)

some shit should await me in office if i'm not wrong. i'll find out in an hour's time

she will be loved

where are your friends when you need someone?
be it a meal, a walk, a movie, a late night out at Laney's
or do they only come to you when they want something from you?

kill something

there's so much pent up angst in me right now
that i feel that i have to

kill something

btw i just realised that most "jonathans" are single on friendster....

Fiat justitia; ruat coelum;

faking it

is personal satifaction and happiness
more valuable
than spending a lifetime of loneliness

is faking everything to be in line with today's society
more self reassuring
than being true to onself

no matter how much it hurts
sometimes it is better to be alone than fake it.

scattered thoughts.

it's one of those nights again when i am feeling emo. with the droning of the motherboard fan and the soft touch of the wind brushing aginst my face. on this starless night with only the moon bathing this cursed earth with light. not forgetting the illumination of the lcd monitor lighting up my path to these words as i type.

lame was it?
sometimes i tend to despise others when they do, say, or write something in an arrogant manner. thinking of them as being immature and childish or probably as poseurs. so much so that the next time they try to communicate with me i feel apathetic or worse, indifferent towards them. silently in my mind i would go "yeah whatever, you're the God now".

i realised now how fucked up i am.

or maybe not.

perhaps that's why i'm so full or hathred for this world now.

it's cos i've been keeping all this shit in myself.

i guess the only few things i can do are :

1) screw the person on the spot when he says something which doesn't make sense but is still so proud of it

2) entertain him until i see better days

3) try to reason with why he said that

not that i've not been practising the above steps but somehow something is still not right

perhaps i am messed up...somehere

or perhaps maybe this world has to have a few knuckleheads to make living worthwhile.

it is always so easy to die.
living is so much more challenging

been having this cough for 2 weeks already.

am i going to die?

maybe not. somehow i've got to find a way to be nicer to the world around me

never have i seen true beauty until this night

i wonder when can i ever have the taste of it.

dashy dissy derelict me

so this if life...spacing out almost all the time thinking about why bad things happen to us. why we're poor, why is the world is so screwed up as it is today, why is everything like this and not that.

why ? the mother of all questions

it's always the ones who have nothing who complain the most.

a typical coffeeshop conversation.

i dun believe no one in the office did not talk about it today.....

i dun see why there's this big fuss over the 5 day work week
its not as if we really work on Saturdays

eh there's a big difference.....it's not about work done here but really the time spent in office
i would rather do more work on weekdays and get up late on sat and Sunday

but whats the point in it all
getting up late
whether you wake up early or not it's still the same
if you wake up early u just feel sleepy for the first few hours then after that
you'll have the same alertness as that when you wake up late

aiyah ..put it simply.....on a sat...would u rather go to office or stay home....

then u might as well say would u rather continue NS or migrate
to me it doesn't make a difference cos it is ns
you should be grateful you are in the police force
the life is so much easier than thet of saf/scdf

......... i dunno what u toking man... what ns or migrate..... the thing we're talking about here is time...
and by the way....all army camps also get the 5 day ......meaning those army pple book out on friday night

what i'm trying to tell u is that you are serving NS now
you should be contented that it is an easier life than saf/scdf

and my point is so what if there is a 5-day work week or 5.5 day work week
just cos of 0.5 days you all make such a big fuss over it

this is ns you noe it's not supposed to be so easy-going

the "serve ns part or migrating" comes in when you say its an issue of time

you want time, you migrate, you lose your citizenship and you have all the fucking time in the world

you want your fucking citizenship, you serve ns
and be prepared for its shit

not all

they get aso

still gd for the army pple...

then join the army la ask for transfer
i dun understand why you all are so gey gao seriously

not that i'm dissing you guys or what
just a personal viewpoint

nay....ns has always been a waste of time... so any benefits especially that giving us more time to do other things should be welcomed with wide open arms... well of cuz its quite lucky since it applies to the civil service overall, and we doing our ns are counted under the scheme.....

ya la true la but really la all the hype is uncalled for la but to me whether or not got 5 day work week doesn't stir me

if there is, ok cool
if there isn't, so shall it be, whatsoever, fuck it

but since now there is, i dun really give a shit when it get implemented too

you won't really yearn for something when you know you're already getting it

aiyah...it's the NS mentality lah...the moment u enter, u already get the sian feeling
if dun have things like NS reduction.....we also lan lan......if got, gd for us...

it's called apathy
that's what it is
that's what i am

guess the speakers, no points for the correct answer

bored ..so i came up with...

a checklist!
of things which never fail to piss me off
which explains why i am so full of rage
all the time

i hate:

girls who :

-act cute when they absolutely know they are not (wearing silly accessories making themselves look like drag queens
-dress up so horrendously sexily when they don't have the body to complement the dress
-think they are damn pretty and strut around with their noses in the air

guys who :
-are complete fuckheads and brag about how great they are
-act tough and pretend that they know everything..when actually they do not

people who :
-block my way be it on the sidewalks, roads, escalators etc
-have no fucking sense of initiative & remain stupidly in their stance
-are slow with no sense of urgency
-scramble for the train/bus/lift doors when the train/bus/lifts arrive
-taxi drivers
-stink
-are so full of themselves

and with that, i hate myself for complaining so much.

that's all. just wanted to make an entry for the sake of it...which is lame. and sad too.

minority report

i just got back from a 2D1N sai kang session at sentosa...was there with the usual bunch of guys helping in the preparation for the spans real-run event which was later held this morning. it wasn't as if i was so siao-on and wanted to help them it was more for the hours which would give me at least 3.5 days off. however, i'm been wondering lately what's the point of earning so many hours, when i have to clear them within 6 mths form the date of acquisition. thus i have decided. i will not chiong hours until my last 6 months in NS. i wonder why did they called it national service....should have termed it national sai-kang instead.
anyway the event wasn't entirely a fucked up one with me being pissed all the time. we had our fair share of moments. moments of rage and moments of joy, moments of boredom and moments of pain. most importantly it has led me to further understand the people around me--both good and bad points.

sometimes i question the meaning of maturity, the meaning of "giving face", the meaning of tolerance, and the meaning of being blunt. all of which have governed my actions in my dealings with people. most of the time i may appear to be receptive of people's requests for assistance/favours. but another part of me always questions the worthiness of it all. most of the time that other part is correct no matter how hard i fight to work against it. so the saying goes, even though you try hard not to step on other people's toes, it may not be others' intention to do likewise"

red sky in the morning

reminiscing the days gone by
of what was left as another life
i can't help but stare
in broken expectation
of what tomorrow would bring
the essence of the night has just been born
the depth of its serenity i so much yearn for
bathing in the moonlight, singing a song
just waiting for the daylight never to come
let me not fade away in this stardust moment
for right now the pain of everything just
disappears
everyhing's so perfect, i see vanilla skies
but all for a moment in ever-changing time

with nights like these
all of us would be Gods in our own eyes
with nights like these
there would be no pain
with nights like these
i will forever dwell in the wings of Comfort
until the day i die

with nights like these
i will never die

the world is you

wouldn't you like to take some time
feel yourself completely
breathing out the soul that you keep inside
wouldn't yuou like to make them smile
show them you're a wonder
offer them the world and the world is you

wouldn't you like a second chance
use what you've been given
prove it to us all that there is one more dance
wouldn't you like to see a change
show us we can make one
offer us the world and the world is you

i will never side facing us the wrong way
spending lifetimes searching for you beyond the skies
the feeling keeps you from believing
and the one thing some of us were born to hide
a greatness lives within your reaches
and the hope is maybe when you lie to sleep
you'll be looking forward to the morning
and the mirror waking to the face of noon

envy

it's been days since i last bitched and thus i decided to do an entry since so many things have happened since my last entry.

let's see...i was over at toa payoh stadium helping out with some real run shit...at first i thought the organisers were really organised..till they decided to keep me entertained by refiling 1500 over entries of registration forms and photocopied I/Cs...well i later found out that they need not do it today so i guess the person who told me to do it was either stupid, or he was a mistake in life...or both.
i guess he was both.

just got back from a wedding dinner at the marriot. the event was surreal, and quite a unique one in a sense that the married couple invited other couples to come onto the dance floor to dance...(so much that it became a D&D instead of a "strictly wedding dinner" affair

hah this i got to mention. I HATE TAXI DRIVERS. while on my way to the wedding i got into a minor accident with one taxi driver though it was partly my fault. the best part is that there was no damage and i got to scold the taxi driver to hell. from today onwards i will get my hand ready on my horn whenever i see a taxi...they are only useful to me when i need to get home fast (which is rarely the case).

somehow..a part of me is envying the people around me...which leads me to become even more apathetic towards everything

w-h-y?--the mother of all questions
the birth of new reactions
leading to another quantity of rage inside of me

locked out

something stupid just happened about an hour ago
i got locked out of my damn room!
wtf man
verdict : my bloody door knob was faulty (maybe cos' i slam the door alot) and thus the faulty lock. wasted 50 buckeroos for getting the locksmith to open my door
fucked up.

i don't expect things to get better.

intruder.



today was an uneventful day at office
but things started to pick up after office hours cos
1. i managed to hack the xbox to enhance the playability and functions of my xbox
2. i managed to get my much needed rest at home
3. i killed a lizard which just irritated me by shitting right in front of me at the table when i was drinking water.

tml shall be spent at SPANS doing sai kang
why did i choose to do it then?

simple. cos i can earn hours

i'm a mercenary remember.

national shit...one year on

just got back from centro after a night of clubbing
sad to say their R&B mix wasn't customised to my liking
nevertheless i did have fun there
sluts still exist since the last time i went clubbing..even those who dress so skimpily to exhibit their well fed bodies

i'm on leave today
reasons being
1. i just got back from clubbing and it is 3.27am
2. i don't feel like working later
3. my annual leave of 14 days will be reset today leaving me with 21 days of leave in total + the hours
4. it has been one year since i was enlisted and given this pathetic life

i can't wait for Sep 28, 2004

obscure expression

when i went to work this morning
i expected some shit to happen after the long break from office
and how true was i indeed

it's either i am really stupid
or a certain someone isn't able to express himself well enough for me to understand what he wants

i'm tired of this life
of doing things for others as if i'm obliged to
of being used by so many people as if i'm a whore
of just being in my chair waiting for problems to come to me expecting to be solved

there must be some point in time when this shit has to end
and after analysing, reflecting and discussing it with myself,
Conscience and i decided that

it is the day i ORD.

plain morning

it's been awhile since i last did this another week's passed with little effort spent in exhausting it. met up witha  few old friends at a party last night and although i left pissed the company i had there broke it even. will be having an exam tomorrow and a pay rise after that.  

its funny how things have turned out this way
a little freaky though
to see all my friends ending up as family

sadness
finally brought myself to finish watching the remaining episodes of The O.C (from where i left off) sadly, season 1 ended off with a sad note with ryan (the main lead) going back to his shitty hometown justr because he's ex-girlfriend whom he had sex with became pregnant and he thought that the baby was his. sadness..could have used a raincoat or something right?! neway, it was evident that the people of the show really wanted to mess things up from the consistant pummelling of  bad events happenning to the cohens. the sadness. but anyway it's just a tv show
 
right now i have so many movies/anime that can last me a lifetime. and the last thing i would want t do is be distracted...

overloaded overjoyed

it's been 2 days since i last saw the office. somehow the feeling of returning to office later sickens me especially when i have to wait upon director to send him around. wtf.

nevertheless those 2 days away from the office managed to allow me to cool of from office/ns angst.

went to jb on wednesday morning with mohaideen and syl and bought loads of coasters. (if you don't know what those are just remain ignorant). was damn sad at the end of the day as time flew so irritatingly fast when i was over there. watched king arthur with amias and sylvia too later that night. haven't been watching MN movies for a damn long time too.

yesterday was spent clearing movies and animes as i felt that my 140gb computer was running out of disk space due to the continuous build up of anime. i must say eternal sunshine of the spotless mind messed with my mind abit though..but still it was l33t.

tired and lazy to type will continue another day

changi

just got back home after picking up a friend from the airport. somehow, there was this sense of yearning to jet away when i stepped foot into the terminal.
it was then that i decided. i have to get away after my sergeant conversion course.

what great timing it started raining just 5 minutes after i stepped back into my room
tired tired tired off to bed now

reboot.



just got back from a 2D1N chalet at loyang. though things did not turn out the way i saw them to be i still managed to stop and rethink about the issues which have been making me so cynical and morbid. (see previous post(s) ) anyway, it's back to the damned office for me tomorrow although i'll be going out soon after signing in for some stupid briefing which will affect my pay in future.

to tired to blog shall continue tomorrow

accidently in love



woke up this morning cos i had to return to the office to pick up my uniform
why? cos my damn mc covers me until today and i have bloody prt tomorrow
not that i'm lazy...it's just that i don't really enjoy the silence in the frc as my prt mates are't really chatty....
brushed my bleeding mouth took a shower
decked myself and gunned the engine

horned a few taxi drivers along the way not forgetting the indecisive lady-drivers and over cautious P-Plate kids. oh screwed a few mercs drivers who were road hogging too
reached office hung aruond got my shit and zipped back home

didn't really feel like going out after that so i returned the keys to dad and started watching anime and The O.C again..
beginning to feel sad cos i'm almost finishing the first season and anna has apparently left the screen for a few episodes. damn

she's so cute..but unreachable
i think i've fallen accidently in love with her

to prolong my happiness i decided not to watch The O.C for 2 hours and decided to cut my fur since there's this stupid D.C visit on monday. not that i'm afraid of him (it's just a goddam rank on his shoulders..he's still human) but i just don't want any trouble for the long hair (Think black/fat/fucked up superiors saying "your hair is very long u noe blah blah") it's just not worth it....but then again there's no worth in NS anyway.

Vindicated.
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away

anna

to be waking up feeling sad and with tears in my eyes
is almost weird.
"..this is everyone's misfortune" were her words

now who the hell was she?

WHAT THE FUCK !?

greece just beat the czech rep. to the finals
JUST
WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL

they made me wake up
gave me false hopes
and brought the rain.

i will never look at a skoda car again.

sweet.

if words could express

how awfully sweet

The O.C

is


my mouth would


have


bled to death

i'm still bleeding!?

wtf. woke up this morning to find my pillow full of blood
WTF?!?!
is this normal? or could it be the nachos/kfc chicken/ice cream/twisties which i ate yesterday?
hmm.....

now i know why girls get so pissed once a month
i myself hate my mouth being full of blood what more about them
seesh.

High class or High Crass?

in the midst of my personal "retreat" i have started watching the american drama series titled "The O.C"

For people who don't know what O.C stand for its "Orange County"
The series is about a high-class society of people living in this residential estate called orange county (or something like that) since i see the same group of high-class people living their so called high-class life, wearing the same high-class togs and whatever things high-class you can think of.
Predictably, hidden behind them are adultery, lies, fraud and whatever things un-high-class so it's pretty interesting to see how and what goes on in their lives.
Show's not bad with the main lead actress as a big big piece of yummy eye candy with similar dissappointing characteristics in the real world (having an ugly boyfriend and messed up parents and the likes.she's alright btw) not forgetting the many un-occassional instances of faux pas when the high class people just embarrass the hell out of themselves when they act totally immature and stuff.

a drama ? or the bare facts?
i'd choose the bare facts. many "high class" people are not what they seem. i have an aunt who's like that and i never fail to embarrass her when she brags about her high but low class of living.

branded stuff are for people who have low self esteem and need the brand name to give them the added confidence. credit cards? either for light travellers who do not like stuffing wads of money notes or for "act tough" people who enjoy oweing credit card companies money. for those who disagree with me, BITE ME. you're all gonna die one day and wealth will definetly not be a measure of your existence's worth.

The O.C is a cool show btw. catch it if you can. for the morals and the eye candy

blood and enamel




had my lower left wisdom and top left tooth extracted today. weird experience i must say
here were the procedures:

was made to wear spastic shower cap, shoe caps and robes in order to make me look as if i was going to give birth

was later injected with this bittersweet cough-syrup like substance which make me curse and swear cos of the piercing pain (4x) believe me , even with a numbed mouth you still can swear.

anyways the dentist tried to kill me by opening my mouth super wide and using all his strength to extract my top left tooth but in the end, i din even feel the absence of my teeth even after he had already taken them out. last minutes of surgery :

me : nurse, can i spit?
nurse: nono you can swallow
me: but i want to spit...this taste in my mouth is weird
nurse : ok la... nah (spreads out serviettes for me to spit)

i spat.
cool bloody oozy blood

i hate the taste of iron.

but i love the colour of blood.

YUM YUM!

5 days of mc coming right up!

dizzy

it's one of those days when i suddenly go panaroid and start thinking of things so spastic beyound imagination. first it started with the weird dreams in the afternoon and now it's this whole issue about being what i am today
wtf.

i'm going to have my wisdom tooth surgery tomorrow. hopefully everything will go well and the minimal amout of pain experienced. but then again, even in pain we can sleep.

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

concussed



went home at about 1330 hrs today and went to sleep got the shock of my life when i found myself awake at 1845 hrs and cursed myself for wasting the day oh well guessed since i can't sleep i'd crap a bit here for the record my friend was telling me about this girl he so called met on friendster which led me to reconfirm my doubt the looks do matter altough THEY say that THEY do not but then again who they hell are the THEY when we usually say THEY its just like tradition i especially like the one about not eating your plate clean saying that your future husband wife will ahve pimples on their face etc when asked about who said it they will always say your grandmother and when you asked your grandmother she will say her grandmother and so on

is this it?

are we suppossed to follow tradition blindly without seeking the truth?

many things in life are not what it is said to be
though how pleasant and comforting words may be
hard cold reality will always hit you in teh face when you least expect it.

the irony of it all
in deeper darkness we will fall

'the truth will set you free'
indeed it is true.

anyway about the pic it was taken when i was taking a walk around my office area last night. found it really funny and decided to snap it

good morning sunshine

just woke up at around 8am
walked over to the office toilet and aimed some hot water at my head

yesh i did say office toilet.

i had spent the night in office. haha.

looking back it was a surreal feeling, machiam like hotel like that.

we had just completed our function and some of my colleagues suggested staying over to watch soccer in office. there was quite a number of people initially but slowly due to dobts about being caught and stuff only 3 were left. me and two others.

we did not watch soccer. we just idled the time away.

looking back, i could have lost quite a bit of money too if i did bet on this morning's game between greece and france. thank God i wasn't able to find a singapore pools outlet last night. (in the first place i actually wasn't suppossed to be betting)

oh well, spending the night in office was quite and emo experience. the silence which filled the walls last night....

was heavenly.

life just got crazier




went to work today expecting everything to be same and mundane but it did not turn out to be. i was informed that i was part of the team to revamp the stupid dept's website with the really long deadline of 3 months from today. sho clever of the higher ups.

to add to the burden, some idiot dragged me into this security campaign shit which required us to design posters on security--> wtf was that suppossed to mean?! crazy

as if i wasn't having enough fun, i'm also involved in the redesigning of the PNS ezlink cards--> i don't mind this cos this IS after all part of my JOB SCOPE

dammit dammit dammit

oh yeah.. bought a new fish tank and placed it on my desk. added 2 snakeheads into it to accompany me the rest of my NS-Life. hopefully they will ORD earlier than me so i won't have to bring them home when i ORD. heheh

STOP PISSING ME

somethins's pissing me off.
but i don't know what it is.
fug.

time

riding on the waves of time
suddenly it all makes comeplete sense
nothing lasts forever
there is no such thing as justice
if only thy mind was senseless
if only thy time was up

such pain would never be witnessed.
but even in pain, sleep is possible
and probably death and dying
pain and sufferring
is all part of that flow of time

if there was one thing i could ever change
it would be the existence of this world itself
but even if i tried
wouldn't it be meaningless
the reality of it all
yet irony of life

not everyone understands
this crap i just said
but even if i tried
to make you realise
what difference would it make
on the day you died

the moon would continue to wax itself
and wane when in due time
life would still continue
in its ironic purpose of living
cos even if it ceased to exist
what point would its existance have
on itself.

39/03

i just got back from a former squad-mate's 21st birthday party.
somehow it felt great meeting up with the people whom i stayed with
in a dingy longhouse-styled bunk for 5 mths
and how time has flown.
(well at least at that time i couldn't say that cos i really hated living in the Academy)
spotted a few chicks at his party too and sent one home
but i guess after tonight they're unreachable
and its not as if i will remember their faces anyway....
this may sound crazy, but i kinda missed the happy shitty kampung styled days in TRACOM
although i so much hated the environment there.

all alone now

simple phonecall in twilight hour
few words spoken, much meaning achieved
early departure, happy for friend
disdain on other hand
loneliness is creeping up on me
this night, this hour
this era of uncertainty
please can anyone hear me
reply if you do
such joyful times we all enjoyed
less joyful ones too we all embroiled
i will continue learning
even after the teacher is dead
somehow

what's next

and so the story goes; you've probably heard that NS will be cut shorter to 2 yrs for kids who enlist in dec 2004 and existing kids will serve 2 yr 2 mths for fit people and 2 yr 4 mths for handicapped people and the likes. like every other NSF i am SOOooo elated. sense the sacarsm and happiness please. anyways the week was a pretty messed up one i can't really recall what i did all i knew was that tdy (or rather yesterday) was my supervisor's bday. went out with most of my dept's people to have lunch at COCA. i've run out of things to type already. life has just gotten to the max of mundaneness. now i know how my predecessor the cai tao king felt.....

tdy is friday. at least one mroe week is coming to an end though

the irony of living

so this is it, i've just lived though one more week
it's one less week to the 532 days till freedom
but at the end of the day i'm still unable to give myself an answer as to what i've achieved.
day by day i just live life as it is. but what's the point when there's nothing to be achieved. i've taken to task many things in order to make my day's worth. but still they are unable to fulfill my need for self achievement.

it just dawned on me : there are currently no girls in my life.

maybe it's time i settled down

getting the wisdom out of my head

and so the saga goes :

went to jurong east polyclinic to see the dentist cos i got really pissed with my left lower wisdom tooth and found out that it was partially erupted and impacted (common dentist terms i should say) and was given a choice of AH, NUH or NDC. I chose the National Dental Centre since it was just opposite my office and scheduled for an appointment there tdy. (or should i say yesterday)

went there at around 2.30pm and almost got the shock of my life. there were so many chicks there!!! but one thing was common among all of them: They all had messed up teeth. Anyways, for a moment i acted like a bloody fool as their system of queing was somewhat messed up with them referring you to this section and that. I swore i almost wanted to slap the rude bitch at the counter (of course i didn't lah)

i was assigned to a male dentist who told me what he was going to do to my teeth and stuff and later was sent to this nurse who was tutoring a very cute understudy. wtf shocked em againwas that she and 2 other nurses asked me if i was really 21..they said i looked younger sian diao.
wtf man! can't you see the sadness the world has nowadays?!

surprisingly, their rate of processing the paperwork was damn fast. went in at 2.30pm and went out at 3.30pm fast game man

i'm going to be stupid on the 29th of june. but who cares. intelligence was never a factor for NS.