flashing and dashing

day 2 of the flash course. i just realised that i'm the youngest in the class full of korkor-ish and jiejie-ish people not forgetting the handful of aunties...so far so good pace and all cept that i think i'm down with the damn flu.
bored as hell. waiting for the lecturer to continue with class while the slower ones hang on with life.
i noticed i always try to be different while flashing
thus the phrase
kiang ju hoh...mai ge kiang

i'm a flasher!!.

day one of the flash course. everything's cool and fun. in fact, my course mate said this "i like this class...all very slow learners"
there are no chicks though.dammit! but at least it's very near holland village
lol
having break now...and messing
around with the flash environment.
heck i'm beginning to feel the "designer" in me.

human memory is just a record.
we can erase that record. really?.

-went for ord shoot tdy. almost messed up if not for Grance

lately Nostalgia has been haunting me in my wakefullness and in sleep. so much more that sleep is no longer sleep for me.
images of the past keep flashing back everytime i space out or seconds after i close my eyes and delve into the perfect vortex of darkness.
i recall the time while i was in primary one doing my Nespe maths workbook while lying on the walkway in the master bedroom;the time i was walking in the garden of my late granfather's garden, how i used to lie fully stretched out on the backseat of my old man's green SBB7573H Honda Civic every sunday while we head to my grandmother's house; the time when i pulled the sofa in the hall to the middle of the hall to play street fighter on my sega genesis; switching on my first computer to play duke nukem and typing on wordperfect 6; eating this yellow chicken flavoured snack called "kaka" after going swimming with my dad after school. (he would wait for me to sing the damn national anthem at the end of the day at school on fridays); how my mum would take me to the arcade to play after am/session school and recently after cleaning out my den, this weird feeling of "everything is clean and proper and neat ---> just perfect for starting out on a new school year" keeps getting to me.

in a sense it's soothing, surreal yet scarey.

i mean wtf am i having these flashbacks and feelings? is Instinct telling me something (normally bad) is going to happen? having memories of the past suddenly coming back to me and that doesn't usually happen. and if they do, there has to be a reason.

what's the worth of a happy memory when it comes back to mind when you're sad, further burying you into deeper joyful sadness.

i think i need to see a shrink.
but maybe i can self medicate
redbull gives me wings

i did this earlier tonight on freehand. and realised that i don't like freehand cos somehow it messed up my dimension and resolution (it's damn bad but when printed it's ok) thingy. maybe i'm a noob that's why.



i just realised. all those memories, they made me feel safe at the time they happened.
but not now.

maybe this is the end of reason
maybe this is where realisation sinks in
for right now i know
i am all alone.

laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone

the big cleanup

as i mentioned earlier. i did wake up (at 1pm) to clean my stupid messed up room. the whole operation took 4 hours....

i cleaned and cleared my room. cleaning was easy although it involved shifting whatever was on my L-table off into somewhere and getting rid of the stupid wires which ensued :



after 2 pail changes of detergent and alot of dust later i had to wipe all the appliances one by one. (my favs were my ps2 and lcd monitor so i took extra care to wipe them) and since you take off your pants b4 ur underwear and put on ur underwear b4 ur pants i had to do the same to the whole damn table. dummies read : take off appliances--> clean table --> clean appliances --> put back appliances on table--> connect the cables.

now came the clearing part. it was harder as it involved throwing away stuff which i may be emotionally attached to and although i clean my room bi-annually i still have alot of junk cos either i can't bear to throw them away; or i'll have this stupid aunty thinking of "i may need it next time"

so i started with the 2 plastic boxes under my table. This time i had grown stronger. i managed to throw most of the stuff in it away.. camp books (screw the memories, most of the people prolly won't remember me anyway) test-tubes and other stuff from school (yes i was a cheeky one) toys etc

until i came across a sealed up pack titled "regrets". my first thought was "wtf? how come i had a pack of regrets hiding in my room (think lit guys lol) and thus i opened it..

fuck.



it was a pack of consolidated paraphernalia (ie notes, letters, photographs, a ring and a breakup letter) from my prev prev prev relationship. (well at least i was smart enough to not leave them around EVERYWHERE in the room i kept them in a pack) funny how it still existed although i've thought that i've thrown it away so many years ago. i thought back and wondered for awhile on what we could have been and shit..the feeling sucks. after reading the stupid breakup letter i realised (and remembered) that the reason why it didn't work out was cos she felt that i did not have enough time for her and didn't show her enough love. hmm.. come to think of it maybe i wasn't too obvious in those little actions of love (not that i'm superstitious i'm a damn aquarian and they aren't gd at expression) and shit and yeah maybe i was easily distracted (she did mention i did not hear her out when she called me and i was playing cs) but one things for sure i did love her. i realised i was retarded too cos i dun recall going back her. bastard right? we all make mistakes i guess. well at least i'll know what to take note of next time i have a girlfriend (if i ever have one right now there seems to be NO FUTURE.)

ah. fuckit. it's over 5 fucking years ago man

and so i tore and slashed and burned the happy meal pack to the high heavens
and got on with my life (clearing my room)
lit guys will prolly think "oh johnny's got rid of the chain that's binding him and maybe you're right cos i thought of that too

hmm i threw away alot of computer stuff and books which i thought i was being stupid cos i recall at one point of time i just bought books for the sake of buying and reading which meant buying books with no value like "flight of the eagles" ...wtf man how sad was i. and did i meantion i was sad enough to listen to backstreet boys and ott? FUCK. well. got rid of them.

all in all it was quite a happy day. 11 ntuc bagfulls of trash, 1 happy pack (the regrets pack) and 1 kg of dust (k i was kidding)

now i have to get a new watch for myself next month.
it's the last thing that's binding me.
right now, i'll just live for the moment.

what am i doing

surprisingly, when i plan for stuff to do, it always gets screwed up but when i don't, weird shit starts happenning to me. take today for eg. i wanted to "not waste the night" since tomorrow's (or rather tdy)a holiday. problem was, everyone on my msn/icq/phone book list was either occupied or were the people i figured spending the night with would not be o-so-smooth for me. except for one guy. deenie. was hanging with him when one of my friends called me and asked if i wanted to go hang out. being bored and for the fact deenie was about to leave i agreed. and so the saga with another close buddy of mine and 3 girls started.

it was weird. maybe cos i wasn't prepared. but still weird.
if today's incident was an rpg battle., i would have levelled up a pathetic 2 exp points

dumb. after hearing from most of my friends that they have or are "cleaning up my room" i decided i shall pack my room later when i wake up. it's in the same state ass my mind right now -- MESSED UP. unless of course something else interesting pops into my face for the day.

making out with people
i hardly know or like
I can't believe what I do
late at night.
holding up the book in my hands
i read the last page so well
but i can't see the first
standing at the gates i see
the beauty above
and not feel it
i just had a bad night.
i just had a bad night.