dice

these days, there's nothing much to write anymore

for life is but a walking shadow

phases and ages and spaces within

they tire and turn the strong to dust

crossroad after crossroad

they fade to grey each time i pass

the invisible road never illumated

until night falls.

breathing is dreaming

and dreaming awake

its nothing like a stomachache

it is finished.

and so it is this silent night
where echos of typing and anguish are heard no more
for it has been done and sent to the binders.
21 months of toil and slackness all amounting to
this feeling of loss and bewilderment
for my compass needle still refuses to set
swaying between the past and the unknown
hopes and dreams will always emerge
but what about reality, this domain?
light was the reason why i became blind

february 9, 2009

been awhile since i last documented anything in this space. not that i had forgotten about it, neither have i been happy enough to not rant here...lazinnessd probably got to me i guess.. so for sake of memory the following events took place in the absence of posting:

- attended ISPIM symposium from 14-17 dec. my first conference alone and green. definetly opened my eyes to the wider world of practice.
- weelip and shawn's wedding on the 21s of dec. yet another fun and happy event which i was a part in.
- christmas 2008. somehow, christmas last year came and went despite me returning to sg slightly earlier as compared to 2007. it's just sad i guess.

and of course the traditional serving of reservist in between to balance out the pain.

things started to get pretty irritating when i had to fly back to brisbane in jan because of my
damn air ticket date which cannot be extended any longer. it's ironic because my work was done for that period --i was awaiting my thesis results. this sucked on an epic magnitutude because not only was i away from home, i was away from home for a retarded reason. as a result, cny 2009 and birthday 2009 were to be spent away from home. the first of both kinds and definetly the most pathetic up-to-date. sadness. to top things up my lease and student visa are about to end and i don't know if i have any time to fix up my thesis... and for the record, my housing rental agent is a megabitch

where will i go from now? i seriously don't know. with so many things just blocking my path its like driving down the autobahn in a bloody hyundai.

-update : i just got some good news that i may be able to graduate soon...but how soon is another question. nevertheless it's the best bday present this yr

this is it.
21 months all gone down in 137 pages of words
the hum of the photocopier sounds like a chior of angels
it's done and dusted
may angels lead me in.

hindsight

it's one of those pensive nights again
sitting in my room, yes my very own room now that i am back in SG
just lulling about how far time has elapsed
lots of shit have happened since the last post but as i note,
this blog is just a fragment of nothingness meant to leave behind
a fragment of something.
memories.
the mark of the true essence of existence
coming back home this time round was slightly different
as my brother had a fall and had to (and still is) warded in the hospital.
it was also a time of realization.
so much has changed too ever since i left barely a year ago.
for the worse
it still make me wonder how can we every survive the impending doom that will engulf us in the years to come.
things used to be so much better the last time.

during my time here i decided to do a bit of home improvement projects for dad and mum as they were faithfully at the hospital most of their waking hours looking after my bro
thre out alot of redundant trash and reorganised the house, i seriously have never been so neat in my life. and then i stumbled upon my childhood toys which comprised of:

a sega megadrive with all the games, still fully working, my starcom, m.a.s.k, silverhawk, and one more series of toys which i forgot the name. those brought back memories which were but a grey area before i saw them. truly, the gift of sight does wonders to memory. not forgetting the countless mcdonalds happy meal toys which my mum had bought and kept aside for me.

it suddenly dawned on me... where did the time go? those happy times, of carefree-ness. where did they go. countless evenings of cartoons and tom & jerry...all gone with the wid. if i were to step into a toy store now, people would say i'm crazy. sigh. somewhere along the way i guess the joy just faded away. moving on to bigger things in life i guess. have you ever noticed how nice people treat kids compared to adults? makes me wonder if the pretence is worth it when the kids eventually find out that the world isn't Neverland after all. (but this is just me thinking out loud)

the buildings seemed to have changed too, construction everywhere, long-time shops being replaced by 1 hit wonders and the shallow tinge of fashion scents. the kids hold more PSPs that i have ever seen in my life and the drivers have become more retarded. what's up with that?

also got the opportunity to meet up with some poly friends... though the time was short, i did have a great time hanging out with them. looking back, it's been what...5 years since i last saw them and we still managed to meet up! indeed they were not just names on MSN.

i'm still enjoying my time here...but i am thinking hard this time. is the sacrifice well worth it?

pensive

for the past 3 weeks i was lost
transition from concrete jungle to
subterranean rainforest
waylaid by the elder
and robbed of my identity
there was no time for despair
no time for tears
just time for endless voiceless struggle
i lost myself
in the abyss of realism
and the gap between idealism
headaches on the
hard bed tossing and turning
until daybreak greets me in my
lucid state
trying to correlate
i can see anything in the dark
but then what is there which darkness hides?
half empty boxes strewn across the room
in this place i now call home
some day they will see
when my body turns to dust that my life was not what they imagined to be
forced and concealed to be hidden in earth
the spirit overcomes and flies away

One step at a time

i guess every research student would have probably felt the same way as the lyrics of this song...by Jordin Sparks

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

W.H.Y - The mother of all questions

Ok so i've been tagged. But i've got to say i'm breaking the rules with the number of friends thing cos most of my friends don't blog but hey this is still quite fun though.

Instructions: Remove 1 question from below, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged.

1. At what age do you wish to marry?
30
2. What is your most favorite thing to do?
dreaming. Both in wakefulness and in sleep
3. If you have a close close close friend since childhood who loves to take away whatever you like, including guys/girls, and he/she always wins, will you still consider him/her your friend?
nope. I’ll disown him from the beginning.
4. If you could change your sex for one day, would you want to? who would you call up and tell first?
nooo. to spare me the agony of thinking who will i call up
5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
to be able to wake up from it.
6. Do you believe you can survive without money?
as long as I am able bodied, yes
7. If you could turn back time, what would you have done differently?
I would not have taken a masters. Probably would have taken an honours or gone to work first.
8. You say "I love you" to your other half; describe your feelings for your partner right then in more words than one when you said it?
calm and flustered
9. If there's someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
yesh.
10. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
warm, charming and funny
11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
to not be untidy and forgetful because I am untidy and forgetful and if she is untidy and forgetful we both end up self destructing….
12. What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad?
being untidy and forgetful
13. What is your ambition?
I don’t know…seriously
14. Is anyone really perfect?
no. I am a misanthrope
15. If you had a choice to be rich or happy, which one would you pick ?
to be happy of course. There is no price u can pay for happiness (and convenience..but that it out of the topic)
16. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
my apathetic-ness
17. Who is the person that you can share all your problems with?
Jess
18. How do you see yourself in 10 years time?
Stable corporate job maybe? With a family and a menagerie of animals, maybe a few kids and one badass wolf-dog!
19. If someone had found a path to immortality to be bestowed upon you in exchange for one of your abilities, would you take it, and what would you sacrifice for it?
no. immortality would be useless if all my friends and family are dead
20. Which do you think marks more of sincerity? Blood or tears?
Tears. Its easy to shed blood.

Erina
Fabian
Lyly
Sam woo
Amias
Haoki
James Lucas Scott
Peyton Sawyer