anticlimax
i just opened my eyes to another sunday 10 minutes ago.
it's something to note as it's so hard for em to get up just to go to churhc on sundays
lying on my bed i thought of the stuff to do, things to buy before the new year starts
but i just remembered i'm left with $3.25 in the back and my paycheck hasn't arrived yet.
so much for having resolutions.
having nothing more to do now, i shall attempt to go back to sleep.
Friday, December 27, 2002
day after boxing day
shit. i just woke up.
You're ice! You can be very cold and distant and you are NOT a people person. You're pretty mean but you can be nice...to a select few.
What element are you
shit. i just woke up.
You're ice! You can be very cold and distant and you are NOT a people person. You're pretty mean but you can be nice...to a select few.
What element are you
Thursday, December 26, 2002
boxing day
on christmas day, this was what i did :
11am-12pm woke up, washed up and got ready for christmas lunch
12pm-9pm was at uncle's place for christmas lunch/dinner
9pm-10pm back home sleeping
11pm-7am worked
7am-11am biked the world
11pm-12pm was drained.
12pm-7.30pm - slept like a dog
and so this was christmas. a whole year of waiting. a whole year of disappointment
the warmth which christmas usually brings never really did touch me this year
perhaps it was me, perhaps it's the people i hung out with this year
no matter what, christmas is still over.
i guess the only thing to look forward to is NYE
on christmas day, this was what i did :
11am-12pm woke up, washed up and got ready for christmas lunch
12pm-9pm was at uncle's place for christmas lunch/dinner
9pm-10pm back home sleeping
11pm-7am worked
7am-11am biked the world
11pm-12pm was drained.
12pm-7.30pm - slept like a dog
and so this was christmas. a whole year of waiting. a whole year of disappointment
the warmth which christmas usually brings never really did touch me this year
perhaps it was me, perhaps it's the people i hung out with this year
no matter what, christmas is still over.
i guess the only thing to look forward to is NYE
Wednesday, December 25, 2002
christmas
8.pm - left house for church service
8.45pm - arrived at far east square for church service
9pm - service commences
10.30pm - service ends
10.45pm - left far east square for home
11.45 - left home again cos i was bored
12.56am - Holland Village with some friends
1.30am - Missed last train back home
2am - Arrived at pasir panjang for supper with daren
2.30am - Met another friend who came to my house to take photos of his rabbit
4.30am - Round 2 of supper downstairs
5.35am - Blogging again
that was how christmas was spent by me in 2002
right now i'm still contemplating whether of not to quit my job for good when school re opens
5.40am - deep sleep
8.pm - left house for church service
8.45pm - arrived at far east square for church service
9pm - service commences
10.30pm - service ends
10.45pm - left far east square for home
11.45 - left home again cos i was bored
12.56am - Holland Village with some friends
1.30am - Missed last train back home
2am - Arrived at pasir panjang for supper with daren
2.30am - Met another friend who came to my house to take photos of his rabbit
4.30am - Round 2 of supper downstairs
5.35am - Blogging again
that was how christmas was spent by me in 2002
right now i'm still contemplating whether of not to quit my job for good when school re opens
5.40am - deep sleep
Tuesday, December 24, 2002
the eve before christmas
cold and crisp afternoon
the way it should be
while throngs of people are out prowling the streets
on this day
while the many couples are out clasping hands and strolling
along on this day
i'm stuck at home.
i had just woken up after a 7hr sleep
somehow, i'm still jaded.
sunrise shift at 7-11 was alright
except that it was so damn boring i wished i had something to do
perhaps i should spend the entire day contemplating this
and wrapping presents
on the other hand, it's so sad that i'm spending the day at home
imagine waiting 357 days for christmas only to spend it at home.
cold and crisp afternoon
the way it should be
while throngs of people are out prowling the streets
on this day
while the many couples are out clasping hands and strolling
along on this day
i'm stuck at home.
i had just woken up after a 7hr sleep
somehow, i'm still jaded.
sunrise shift at 7-11 was alright
except that it was so damn boring i wished i had something to do
perhaps i should spend the entire day contemplating this
and wrapping presents
on the other hand, it's so sad that i'm spending the day at home
imagine waiting 357 days for christmas only to spend it at home.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
back in prison
in case you're wondering why my previous entry did not have a title it was because i had only 5 minutes to blog at the internet kiosk in hong kong. yes internet kiosk. that is one of the things singapore needs to have. another is the train route information which tells u which part are u particularly at at any point of time just by looking on the electronic route information panel.
it sucks to be back (people would usually say it's great to be back but not for me)
my trip to hk has opened up eyes. and it's not visually.
though the living conditions there may be worse than singapore's, the people there really take pride in their work. no matter the working conditions or pay. it may be even a simple trash collector job and yet they'll still go all out. unlike the expensive cats of singapore. the streets are lined with colourful shadows and brightly gassed lights, adding to the vibrance of the city. wonder which idiot banned neon ads in singapore.
i've actually got more to say but i wouldn't want this blog entry to be a long china tale of a country bumpkin (yes there are alot of china fucks in hk too)
now that i'm back in prison, i'm contemplating on whether i should continue working or not
there's so much stuff i had planned to do earlier and have yet to accomplish it cos of the job as it has really messed p my bioclock.
save me from this zoo
in case you're wondering why my previous entry did not have a title it was because i had only 5 minutes to blog at the internet kiosk in hong kong. yes internet kiosk. that is one of the things singapore needs to have. another is the train route information which tells u which part are u particularly at at any point of time just by looking on the electronic route information panel.
it sucks to be back (people would usually say it's great to be back but not for me)
my trip to hk has opened up eyes. and it's not visually.
though the living conditions there may be worse than singapore's, the people there really take pride in their work. no matter the working conditions or pay. it may be even a simple trash collector job and yet they'll still go all out. unlike the expensive cats of singapore. the streets are lined with colourful shadows and brightly gassed lights, adding to the vibrance of the city. wonder which idiot banned neon ads in singapore.
i've actually got more to say but i wouldn't want this blog entry to be a long china tale of a country bumpkin (yes there are alot of china fucks in hk too)
now that i'm back in prison, i'm contemplating on whether i should continue working or not
there's so much stuff i had planned to do earlier and have yet to accomplish it cos of the job as it has really messed p my bioclock.
save me from this zoo
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
the irony of life
engulfed in blood you came to earth
an object of your parents love
with the blessings of the higher power above
you laughed you cried and lived your life
years go by and you got bored
rushed through your single childhood
to grow up
years go by and looking back
you long to be a child again
you lose your health making money
and in turn lose money restoring your health
in later years
you think anxiously about the future
forgetting the present
such that you live neither in the present or future
like a blooming flower
you live as if will never die
and die as if they never lived
such are the ironies of your fragile life
such are the ironies of your own destiny
engulfed in blood you came to earth
an object of your parents love
with the blessings of the higher power above
you laughed you cried and lived your life
years go by and you got bored
rushed through your single childhood
to grow up
years go by and looking back
you long to be a child again
you lose your health making money
and in turn lose money restoring your health
in later years
you think anxiously about the future
forgetting the present
such that you live neither in the present or future
like a blooming flower
you live as if will never die
and die as if they never lived
such are the ironies of your fragile life
such are the ironies of your own destiny
the girl who stole the stars
My dear Kid
How are you doing?
I wonder how old you are
as you read this letter
Perhaps you've matured into
a beautiful woman, raising a
happy family, by now
I was hoping to talk to you in
person when you were old enough,
but just in case something happens,
I'm writing my feelings down on paper and leaving it to Luccia.
Perhaps you already know...
or perhaps you yourself are
also caught up in some
historic crisis as a result
of all this.
but anyway...
My friands and I did something which changed your future
in order to save the world
but sometimes I think of the darker side of what we did
what has become of the future that was "once" suppossed to have existed?
where did the "time" that now is no longer allowed to exist "go"?
though it is true that thanks to our altering of the flow of history
we were able to save so many lives
and prevent so much sadness and suffering..
but we have also caused the deaths of so many that were meant to have come
into existence in the timeline we destroyed as well as the sadness which
you are encompassing now
Kid. when i think of you
i remember someone i once
met a long long time ago
in the distant past
someday i'll tell you about her
when you are ready to know of your real name and heritage
i'm not the slightest bit worried about you
for i know out there "he" will always be there for you
of perhaps he has already found you
and is there by your side as you read this?
well anyway kid.
until we meet again
farewell
My dear Kid
How are you doing?
I wonder how old you are
as you read this letter
Perhaps you've matured into
a beautiful woman, raising a
happy family, by now
I was hoping to talk to you in
person when you were old enough,
but just in case something happens,
I'm writing my feelings down on paper and leaving it to Luccia.
Perhaps you already know...
or perhaps you yourself are
also caught up in some
historic crisis as a result
of all this.
but anyway...
My friands and I did something which changed your future
in order to save the world
but sometimes I think of the darker side of what we did
what has become of the future that was "once" suppossed to have existed?
where did the "time" that now is no longer allowed to exist "go"?
though it is true that thanks to our altering of the flow of history
we were able to save so many lives
and prevent so much sadness and suffering..
but we have also caused the deaths of so many that were meant to have come
into existence in the timeline we destroyed as well as the sadness which
you are encompassing now
Kid. when i think of you
i remember someone i once
met a long long time ago
in the distant past
someday i'll tell you about her
when you are ready to know of your real name and heritage
i'm not the slightest bit worried about you
for i know out there "he" will always be there for you
of perhaps he has already found you
and is there by your side as you read this?
well anyway kid.
until we meet again
farewell
Monday, December 09, 2002
F.U.C.K
my fucking IBM hardisk just crashed today
well not really...
well at least my other valued possesions are still intact
well anyways the os sector is gone
well it's going to get smashed by me later...once i transfer all my important stuff to other storage media
well... FUCK IBM
cos i'll never get another IBM hardisk again
my fucking IBM hardisk just crashed today
well not really...
well at least my other valued possesions are still intact
well anyways the os sector is gone
well it's going to get smashed by me later...once i transfer all my important stuff to other storage media
well... FUCK IBM
cos i'll never get another IBM hardisk again
Friday, December 06, 2002
a hl la
this morning dew the morning's crisp
smelled no different from a crypt
countless lost souls walk the streets
leading straight ones to doom
a homeless man sleeps on the bench
not knowing really he's half in his trench
a drunkard spews the merlion's glory
who'll deck the halls with boughs of holly?
the day is breaking, it has broken
the gates of hell reopen
don't worry if you haven't the slightest clue what this is
for it is about what it is.
this morning dew the morning's crisp
smelled no different from a crypt
countless lost souls walk the streets
leading straight ones to doom
a homeless man sleeps on the bench
not knowing really he's half in his trench
a drunkard spews the merlion's glory
who'll deck the halls with boughs of holly?
the day is breaking, it has broken
the gates of hell reopen
don't worry if you haven't the slightest clue what this is
for it is about what it is.
Wednesday, December 04, 2002
Monday, December 02, 2002
Sunday, December 01, 2002
Friday, November 29, 2002
november rain
it's been like...6 weeks since school closed and looking back in hindsight,
i haven't really done all that i've wanted to do.
well, at least i have a fugging job right now which i can hold when school reopens...
i seem to have lost touch with the people around me
strange...it's a certain emptiness that is bridging the comunication channel between us..
i got my examination results yesterday
they were pathetic
the november rain is getting to me
it's colder than it'll ever be in march
and i still have a day or two ahead of me
before i reach oblivion
it's been like...6 weeks since school closed and looking back in hindsight,
i haven't really done all that i've wanted to do.
well, at least i have a fugging job right now which i can hold when school reopens...
i seem to have lost touch with the people around me
strange...it's a certain emptiness that is bridging the comunication channel between us..
i got my examination results yesterday
they were pathetic
the november rain is getting to me
it's colder than it'll ever be in march
and i still have a day or two ahead of me
before i reach oblivion
Saturday, November 23, 2002
she's perfect
She's perfect in her own way.
Smoke rings rising to the winter grey.
She's perfect in her own way.
Shining, stepping off a silver train.
Now I'm getting that sick taste in my mouth
from the medicine that I can't keep down.
She's amazing in her own way.
Always moving to a better place
She's amazing in her own way.
Laughing, you won't get to her better traits.
Now I'm getting that sick taste in my mouth
from the medicine that I can't keep down.
You know time heals nothing by itself.
I see that ever so clearly now.
She looks just a little bit different now.
Maybe a little bit softer around her eyes.
She looks just a little bit different now.
Maybe a little bit softer around her eyes.
The lights had just gone out at Rockerfeller Center.
Take it slow and make it softer.
Easy likes it nice and steady.
Now I'm getting that sick taste in my mouth
from the medicine that I can't keep down.
You know time heals nothing by itself.
I see that ever so clearly now.
She's perfect in her own way.
Smoke rings rising to the winter grey.
She's perfect in her own way.
Shining, stepping off a silver train.
Now I'm getting that sick taste in my mouth
from the medicine that I can't keep down.
She's amazing in her own way.
Always moving to a better place
She's amazing in her own way.
Laughing, you won't get to her better traits.
Now I'm getting that sick taste in my mouth
from the medicine that I can't keep down.
You know time heals nothing by itself.
I see that ever so clearly now.
She looks just a little bit different now.
Maybe a little bit softer around her eyes.
She looks just a little bit different now.
Maybe a little bit softer around her eyes.
The lights had just gone out at Rockerfeller Center.
Take it slow and make it softer.
Easy likes it nice and steady.
Now I'm getting that sick taste in my mouth
from the medicine that I can't keep down.
You know time heals nothing by itself.
I see that ever so clearly now.
Thursday, November 21, 2002
the price of blood
stepped out of 189 after a crazy journey to tampines mall (to get my 2nd ps2 controller)
just in time to see a sprawled motionless body on the road.
laid out artistically in front of it was a mess of newspapers and uneaten food
question is : did he jaywalk or was the driver negligent?
stepped out of 189 after a crazy journey to tampines mall (to get my 2nd ps2 controller)
just in time to see a sprawled motionless body on the road.
laid out artistically in front of it was a mess of newspapers and uneaten food
question is : did he jaywalk or was the driver negligent?
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
gray
as i speak gray skies surround me
the land of the lost, the isle of conformity
i've never felt so happily sad than today
so gladly mesmerized by the gray sky's candescence
there's just so much to be done
things yet to be explored
but the wintry skies of today
crushes all hope for new found love
as i speak gray skies surround me
the land of the lost, the isle of conformity
i've never felt so happily sad than today
so gladly mesmerized by the gray sky's candescence
there's just so much to be done
things yet to be explored
but the wintry skies of today
crushes all hope for new found love
Friday, November 15, 2002
psyche
the night is quiet, divine serenity
which reigns in my every yearning
just as much as ever seeping knowledge
in the root of this world
in the light of today
i am not what i used to me
in the shadow of the past
needing is often chastised by wanting
and the will to love another
is no longer alive
only in dark skies will a zephyr occur to me
and only in brighter days
will my heart be found
the night is quiet, divine serenity
which reigns in my every yearning
just as much as ever seeping knowledge
in the root of this world
in the light of today
i am not what i used to me
in the shadow of the past
needing is often chastised by wanting
and the will to love another
is no longer alive
only in dark skies will a zephyr occur to me
and only in brighter days
will my heart be found
Thursday, November 14, 2002
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
silhouette
i was with 2 of my friends awhile ago when we started talking about our own personalites
one of them commented that i'm the carefree type of person whose ideal girlfriend
would be one who isn't possessive and wouldn't mind where i went or did (of course not to the extremes)
that the latter was quite true...
but carefree? hmmm...
just as i expected?
brought to you by Quizilla
i was with 2 of my friends awhile ago when we started talking about our own personalites
one of them commented that i'm the carefree type of person whose ideal girlfriend
would be one who isn't possessive and wouldn't mind where i went or did (of course not to the extremes)
that the latter was quite true...
but carefree? hmmm...
just as i expected?
brought to you by Quizilla
Sunday, November 10, 2002
wet,dazed and sick
come to think of it
my days of staying up late to play elancia have finally caught up on me
i'm down with a worsening sore throat and the best thing is that tomorrow is my
medical checkup at cmpb. wonder if they would take the sore throat part seriously
my day today was spent sleeping and drinking sleeping and drinking
which suddenly reminded me of the hong kong ad of shopping and eating shopping and eating
everyone says drinking a lot of water would help
but it doesn't to me
i guess i shouldn't ahve started on that damned game in the first place
elancia. the curse of all mankind
come to think of it
my days of staying up late to play elancia have finally caught up on me
i'm down with a worsening sore throat and the best thing is that tomorrow is my
medical checkup at cmpb. wonder if they would take the sore throat part seriously
my day today was spent sleeping and drinking sleeping and drinking
which suddenly reminded me of the hong kong ad of shopping and eating shopping and eating
everyone says drinking a lot of water would help
but it doesn't to me
i guess i shouldn't ahve started on that damned game in the first place
elancia. the curse of all mankind
Tuesday, November 05, 2002
elancia found
the exams are finally over
well..4 days ago to be exact
to think that i was so overjoyed that i forgot to blog
but...there's always a but
every year around this time i would feel a certain kind of calm
every year around this time i would feel a certain kind of chaos
it's a feeling of comfort-danger feeling
everyday everynight i would dream dreams of wonder
filled with the fury of spiritual recrudesce
just what are they trying to tell me
elancia.the city of lost dreams and eternal addiction
the exams are finally over
well..4 days ago to be exact
to think that i was so overjoyed that i forgot to blog
but...there's always a but
every year around this time i would feel a certain kind of calm
every year around this time i would feel a certain kind of chaos
it's a feeling of comfort-danger feeling
everyday everynight i would dream dreams of wonder
filled with the fury of spiritual recrudesce
just what are they trying to tell me
elancia.the city of lost dreams and eternal addiction
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
paradise lost
my dad's back.
there goes the car
there goes the late nights
there goes the "there goes the neighbourhood" phrase
%^#%#@#^%@
i have 2 more exams to die in
and the worst one is tomorrow
somehow i have this feeling of disengagement
i don't feel smarter after studying
neither do i feel dumber after studying
just did a online purity test
and found out that i am onl 35% online pure (65% of my life is spent online)
THE INTERNET HAS CORRUPTED ME
oops.
my dad's back.
there goes the car
there goes the late nights
there goes the "there goes the neighbourhood" phrase
%^#%#@#^%@
i have 2 more exams to die in
and the worst one is tomorrow
somehow i have this feeling of disengagement
i don't feel smarter after studying
neither do i feel dumber after studying
just did a online purity test
and found out that i am onl 35% online pure (65% of my life is spent online)
THE INTERNET HAS CORRUPTED ME
oops.
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
out of control
it's been a crazy week since my dad left
and he's coming back tomorrow
i'll miss the long emo drives i had with his car
pet hunting day
the various suppers i had with friends
and the high enery drives to school during the exam period
it's been a mad week
right now the love birds are making a helluva din in my room
i think i'll slap them later.
STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY
jamie yeo is crapping on air....
STUDY STUDY STUDY
oh shit i have to wash the car later
STUDY STUDY STUDY
which would you rather have :
self - edification or
societal obligation for the sake of self edification?
you decide
it's been a crazy week since my dad left
and he's coming back tomorrow
i'll miss the long emo drives i had with his car
pet hunting day
the various suppers i had with friends
and the high enery drives to school during the exam period
it's been a mad week
right now the love birds are making a helluva din in my room
i think i'll slap them later.
STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY
jamie yeo is crapping on air....
STUDY STUDY STUDY
oh shit i have to wash the car later
STUDY STUDY STUDY
which would you rather have :
self - edification or
societal obligation for the sake of self edification?
you decide
Monday, October 28, 2002
goodwill hunting
i just had a crazy day yesterday and got so burnt out that i did not bother to blog the day's adventures
i went pet hunting yesterday with satan child. after making like 5 trips to and fro from the car to dump the shit we have bought
we left serangoon at 7+ with 4 robovoskis and 2 lovebirds helplessly hanging on to life while i drove back home
i just realised that the boards notifying the predicted time to ur destination was full of shit
CTE - PIE was said to be 11 mins
i did that in 7 minutes. what a load of bullshit. save the money please....and buy more air fresheners
it's so bloody smelly in this damned country
i woke up with a shitty feeling tdy
so i decided to do a shitload of tests just for the fun of it
btw goodwill is the name of one of the stores which sells damn tame birds
Show Me Your True Colours
brought to you by Quizilla
i just had a crazy day yesterday and got so burnt out that i did not bother to blog the day's adventures
i went pet hunting yesterday with satan child. after making like 5 trips to and fro from the car to dump the shit we have bought
we left serangoon at 7+ with 4 robovoskis and 2 lovebirds helplessly hanging on to life while i drove back home
i just realised that the boards notifying the predicted time to ur destination was full of shit
CTE - PIE was said to be 11 mins
i did that in 7 minutes. what a load of bullshit. save the money please....and buy more air fresheners
it's so bloody smelly in this damned country
i woke up with a shitty feeling tdy
so i decided to do a shitload of tests just for the fun of it
btw goodwill is the name of one of the stores which sells damn tame birds
Show Me Your True Colours
brought to you by Quizilla
Saturday, October 26, 2002
Friday, October 25, 2002
the joke of life
i've got to put this down cos i think it's the reason to my negative outlook towards life
LIFE'S A FREAKING JOKE
i just checked up one of my module marks a few minutes ago
wasn't surprised to see the hard evidence smilign at me
those who were diligent and commited throught the semester got Cs and Ds
while those fuckers (excuse my french) who fooled around got As and Bs
i admit i'm one of them , but hey...it's my experiment isn't it?
that sums it up
oh...and i've found the most calculative person on earth today
go figure.
i've got to put this down cos i think it's the reason to my negative outlook towards life
LIFE'S A FREAKING JOKE
i just checked up one of my module marks a few minutes ago
wasn't surprised to see the hard evidence smilign at me
those who were diligent and commited throught the semester got Cs and Ds
while those fuckers (excuse my french) who fooled around got As and Bs
i admit i'm one of them , but hey...it's my experiment isn't it?
that sums it up
oh...and i've found the most calculative person on earth today
go figure.
Thursday, October 24, 2002
frail
aware of my obligations i am still unconvinced
with sound and fury i dreamt on
this waking life , this living dead
this undeniable doubt of impeding despair
another day is just another yesterday
without the sweet memory of us
like lighted fools and haunting aspirations
i sink deeper with life's petty cycle
aware of my obligations i am still unconvinced
with sound and fury i dreamt on
this waking life , this living dead
this undeniable doubt of impeding despair
another day is just another yesterday
without the sweet memory of us
like lighted fools and haunting aspirations
i sink deeper with life's petty cycle
Monday, October 21, 2002
the farplane
one of my pets left for the farplane early yesterday morning
you could imagine how pissed i was to see a dead feathered paperweight lying face downon the floorboard of the birdcage
life really stinks. it wasn't tortured, hungry or anything
the night before it was still happily chirping
wonder wtf happened to it
oh well
one of my pets left for the farplane early yesterday morning
you could imagine how pissed i was to see a dead feathered paperweight lying face downon the floorboard of the birdcage
life really stinks. it wasn't tortured, hungry or anything
the night before it was still happily chirping
wonder wtf happened to it
oh well
Friday, October 18, 2002
wasting time
waste is the 8th deadliest sin
and i just commited it by coming up with my horrendous gantt chart for my fyp
it's ridiculous how Man was given the liberty to do anything EXCEPT one thing
in the beginning and yet he could mess up.
remembering not to do ONE thing is better than having to remember ALL the things he could do
what an idiot
this is ladies and gentlemen is a very hard fact that MAN is stupid
and because of that, stupidity flowed down its bloodline
why should there be rules when in the first place life was free
why build roads when we can walk
why is there this piece of paper called a driving licence
which merely seperates the drivers from non drivers
what's with this word "Convenience" which actually spells i-n-c-o-n-v-e-n-i-e-n-t
for the people who make things convenient
what a farce
life is a farce with Man around
and for matter, why the hell did i actually do that stupid gantt chart knowing that i wouldn't use it
i hate stupid rules, people and authority
the higher up you are, the dumber you get
the dumber you get, the faster you die
which actually makes no difference for death is only time delayed
waste is the 8th deadliest sin
and i just commited it by coming up with my horrendous gantt chart for my fyp
it's ridiculous how Man was given the liberty to do anything EXCEPT one thing
in the beginning and yet he could mess up.
remembering not to do ONE thing is better than having to remember ALL the things he could do
what an idiot
this is ladies and gentlemen is a very hard fact that MAN is stupid
and because of that, stupidity flowed down its bloodline
why should there be rules when in the first place life was free
why build roads when we can walk
why is there this piece of paper called a driving licence
which merely seperates the drivers from non drivers
what's with this word "Convenience" which actually spells i-n-c-o-n-v-e-n-i-e-n-t
for the people who make things convenient
what a farce
life is a farce with Man around
and for matter, why the hell did i actually do that stupid gantt chart knowing that i wouldn't use it
i hate stupid rules, people and authority
the higher up you are, the dumber you get
the dumber you get, the faster you die
which actually makes no difference for death is only time delayed
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
what the fc*k man
i can't believe i'm being prevented from sleeping by a computer
a computer which is NOT MINE so to speak
the cause of this synthetic insomia was because of my nosiness
apparently my mum's com's harddisk died a few days ago.
all i could have done (for my own good ) was to mind my own business
and leave the matter alone. but NO NO NO i had to be so fugging kaypo as to install a backup hardisk for the com
a simple installation of a hardisk takes no more than 2 minutes
but with an ancient network adapter...it takes one allah year.
maybe i shld stop being so nice in future
life's a bitch and so am i
obligation vs true feelings | white lies vs the painful truth | hapiness vs simple joy | being cruel to be kind | untimely death before imminent evil | social bondage vs personal dreams ...
it the end , it equates to nothing at all
i can't believe i'm being prevented from sleeping by a computer
a computer which is NOT MINE so to speak
the cause of this synthetic insomia was because of my nosiness
apparently my mum's com's harddisk died a few days ago.
all i could have done (for my own good ) was to mind my own business
and leave the matter alone. but NO NO NO i had to be so fugging kaypo as to install a backup hardisk for the com
a simple installation of a hardisk takes no more than 2 minutes
but with an ancient network adapter...it takes one allah year.
maybe i shld stop being so nice in future
life's a bitch and so am i
obligation vs true feelings | white lies vs the painful truth | hapiness vs simple joy | being cruel to be kind | untimely death before imminent evil | social bondage vs personal dreams ...
it the end , it equates to nothing at all
Monday, October 14, 2002
Thursday, October 10, 2002
the price of being nice
it's a shitty day today. i kinda got "caught" for "cheating" in a sacred open book test just cos i told my classmate to "flip to unit 2". looking back in hindsight that was a super spastic thing to do since i already knew that it wasn't worth helping others anymore in this world cos the more you offer your help, the more you would be exploited. How could i forget that?!. i'm such an idiot. looked through my past entries and realised that my whole freaking blog is full of sad morbid and cynical writings. i probably blog when i'm having such feelings i guess...but all the time almost everyday? i think i'm super bitchy for a guy. riiiiiight. ARGH LIFE'S A BITCH AND THEN YOU DIE
but,
when you walk away you don't hear me say please oh baby don't go simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight
it isn't hard to let it go for human memory is just a record and we can rewrite it the daily things that keep us busy which end up being nothing ultimately are confusing me about the very existence of life itself why the world works this way of malice and selfishness and greed and lust it's giving me too many things lately so much that i would break anything which has a nice crashing sound i wish i could prove to you that i'm able to love you but some things are so hard to say and if such words would make your day i would say i love you but does that mean i have to walk on water i hope you understand that when you're older some things are simple some things are complicated but what is deemed complicated is never simple when we think too hard whatever lies this morning regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all nothing's like before for the tide has changed.
it's a shitty day today. i kinda got "caught" for "cheating" in a sacred open book test just cos i told my classmate to "flip to unit 2". looking back in hindsight that was a super spastic thing to do since i already knew that it wasn't worth helping others anymore in this world cos the more you offer your help, the more you would be exploited. How could i forget that?!. i'm such an idiot. looked through my past entries and realised that my whole freaking blog is full of sad morbid and cynical writings. i probably blog when i'm having such feelings i guess...but all the time almost everyday? i think i'm super bitchy for a guy. riiiiiight. ARGH LIFE'S A BITCH AND THEN YOU DIE
but,
when you walk away you don't hear me say please oh baby don't go simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight
it isn't hard to let it go for human memory is just a record and we can rewrite it the daily things that keep us busy which end up being nothing ultimately are confusing me about the very existence of life itself why the world works this way of malice and selfishness and greed and lust it's giving me too many things lately so much that i would break anything which has a nice crashing sound i wish i could prove to you that i'm able to love you but some things are so hard to say and if such words would make your day i would say i love you but does that mean i have to walk on water i hope you understand that when you're older some things are simple some things are complicated but what is deemed complicated is never simple when we think too hard whatever lies this morning regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all nothing's like before for the tide has changed.
Monday, October 07, 2002
AAAAAGHHHHHHH
after a crazy week of j2me programming i finally threw in the towel
yesterday yesterday yesterday
which was actually friday
i'm supposed to hand in another assignment later today
it doesn't end here though
more tests and agony will be coming my way soon
and all i can do is embrace it
well at least there's a break in my stereo-typed routine nowadays
the tide has changed.
it's funny how the person you can hold a the best conversation with
only appears to you when he's unavailable and going away
pinch me
the tide has changed.
after a crazy week of j2me programming i finally threw in the towel
yesterday yesterday yesterday
which was actually friday
i'm supposed to hand in another assignment later today
it doesn't end here though
more tests and agony will be coming my way soon
and all i can do is embrace it
well at least there's a break in my stereo-typed routine nowadays
the tide has changed.
it's funny how the person you can hold a the best conversation with
only appears to you when he's unavailable and going away
pinch me
the tide has changed.
Thursday, October 03, 2002
of saints & sinners
don't you just like it when people make a promise to you
only to break it the next day
don't you just like it when people smile at you sweetly
only to maul you from behind
don't you just like it when people talk so much it makes you full
only to end up being the majestic fool of their very pathetic selves
don't you just like it when people say they won't do anything
only to end up doing all other things which would really make your day
i don't.
to all you hypocrites,backstabbers and liars out there.....
every action causes a reaction.
what goes around comes around.
don't you just like it when people make a promise to you
only to break it the next day
don't you just like it when people smile at you sweetly
only to maul you from behind
don't you just like it when people talk so much it makes you full
only to end up being the majestic fool of their very pathetic selves
don't you just like it when people say they won't do anything
only to end up doing all other things which would really make your day
i don't.
to all you hypocrites,backstabbers and liars out there.....
every action causes a reaction.
what goes around comes around.
Wednesday, October 02, 2002
right and wrong
let's face it. we all live in a world of darkness, selfishness and malice
and because of that i can't seem to trust anyone anymore
everyday i see friends playing the fool when in actual fact
the biggest fool of all is right here blogging away
i never liked assignment/exam periods ....until then
help me figure out the difference between right or wrong
let's face it. we all live in a world of darkness, selfishness and malice
and because of that i can't seem to trust anyone anymore
everyday i see friends playing the fool when in actual fact
the biggest fool of all is right here blogging away
i never liked assignment/exam periods ....until then
help me figure out the difference between right or wrong
Tuesday, October 01, 2002
will there be a war
it was a lethargic day for me without school today. actually the time could have been used for my damned PWA programming assignment. however as any other person would have done so, the day was spent doing other things EXCEPT doing my damned programming. i wonder what the end result would be.
i flipped through the news today , totally amused by the US - Iraq issue. It's amazing how the Asians aren't really in favour of the US attacking Iraq. In my opinion, the US is trying to be a big f*** by threatening to bomb the Iriqis asses. But you can't really blame them as a lot of shit has already been thrown onto them since the 911 incident. As for Iraq, I don't give a damn on whether they're bombed or not because it may well be the entrance to hell. whatever. the world is coming to an end soon. and everyone's bitching about it.
i just did my registration for NS. they had a really weak web application i must say. wonder why they even dared to encourage us to use it even though it was full of bugs. well. everyone's doing IT i guess. pun not intended. poseurs. i just hope ns life would be fun.
everything sucks right now. i can even foresee it'll suck until the end of my exams.
btw my webhost currently sucks too.
it was a lethargic day for me without school today. actually the time could have been used for my damned PWA programming assignment. however as any other person would have done so, the day was spent doing other things EXCEPT doing my damned programming. i wonder what the end result would be.
i flipped through the news today , totally amused by the US - Iraq issue. It's amazing how the Asians aren't really in favour of the US attacking Iraq. In my opinion, the US is trying to be a big f*** by threatening to bomb the Iriqis asses. But you can't really blame them as a lot of shit has already been thrown onto them since the 911 incident. As for Iraq, I don't give a damn on whether they're bombed or not because it may well be the entrance to hell. whatever. the world is coming to an end soon. and everyone's bitching about it.
i just did my registration for NS. they had a really weak web application i must say. wonder why they even dared to encourage us to use it even though it was full of bugs. well. everyone's doing IT i guess. pun not intended. poseurs. i just hope ns life would be fun.
everything sucks right now. i can even foresee it'll suck until the end of my exams.
btw my webhost currently sucks too.
Monday, September 30, 2002
pointless
another day another life
another dosage of mental strife
all's spent wasted breath
wasted strength towards endless death
what had seemed useful
what had seemed good
only turned out to be recycle bin food
the hour is near this timeless year
has only to breed failure's fear
feelings of me feelings so free
are but now
feelings which disagree
another day another life
another dosage of mental strife
all's spent wasted breath
wasted strength towards endless death
what had seemed useful
what had seemed good
only turned out to be recycle bin food
the hour is near this timeless year
has only to breed failure's fear
feelings of me feelings so free
are but now
feelings which disagree
Saturday, September 28, 2002
september 28th
september 28, 2002.
the monsters had arrived.
j2me is the biggest monster of them all.
just came back from another strenous biking session with a group of friends
got a few injuries too. an overstrained knee, a grazed shin and very worn out tyres
right now i;m waiting for my friggin hair to dry b4 i call it a night
or should i say day
buddha has awoken by the gong of the damned temple near my residence
how irritating
perhaps ...he's one of them
september 28, 2002.
the monsters had arrived.
j2me is the biggest monster of them all.
just came back from another strenous biking session with a group of friends
got a few injuries too. an overstrained knee, a grazed shin and very worn out tyres
right now i;m waiting for my friggin hair to dry b4 i call it a night
or should i say day
buddha has awoken by the gong of the damned temple near my residence
how irritating
perhaps ...he's one of them
Friday, September 27, 2002
Monday, September 23, 2002
ennui
gleaming moon, hazy bane
silent darkness in endless night
briight shining star
veiled in cloud
restless soul, in a rabbit hole
ticking clock, screaming pain
when all that screams
is ear-piercing silence
glistening blood with tainted love
beating heart, iced vigour
an effigy of love, delineating hathred
the beginning of an ending era
promise me.
gleaming moon, hazy bane
silent darkness in endless night
briight shining star
veiled in cloud
restless soul, in a rabbit hole
ticking clock, screaming pain
when all that screams
is ear-piercing silence
glistening blood with tainted love
beating heart, iced vigour
an effigy of love, delineating hathred
the beginning of an ending era
promise me.
Thursday, September 19, 2002
feelings
mind is full of depth charged feelings
the feelings of nostalgia and security i used to have
the feelings of uncertainty and mystery the future beholds
the feelings of raciness and urgency
the feelings of quitting and letting it go
the feelings i would hide and never show
the feelings of comfort and solace to hold
there are just so many things on my mind
so much to do
but time seems so little everyday
a day of procrastination breeds joy for my soul
but sorrow for tomorrow
when will i find utopia
mind is full of depth charged feelings
the feelings of nostalgia and security i used to have
the feelings of uncertainty and mystery the future beholds
the feelings of raciness and urgency
the feelings of quitting and letting it go
the feelings i would hide and never show
the feelings of comfort and solace to hold
there are just so many things on my mind
so much to do
but time seems so little everyday
a day of procrastination breeds joy for my soul
but sorrow for tomorrow
when will i find utopia
Monday, September 16, 2002
Thursday, September 12, 2002
the measure of a man
This world can analyze and size you up
And throw you on the scales
They can IQ you and run you through
Their rigorous details
They can do their best to rate you
And they'll place you on their charts
And then back it up with scientific smarts
But there's more to what your worth
Than what their human eyes can see
I say the measure of a man
Is not how tall you stand
How wealthy or intelligent you are
Cause I found out the measure of a man
God knows and understands
For He looks inside to the bottom of your heart
And what's in the heart defines
The measure of a man
Well you can doubt your worth
And search for who you are and where you stand
But God made you in His image
When He formed you in his hands
And He looks at you with mercy
And He sees you through His love
You're His child and that will always be enough
For there's more to what you're worth
Than you could ever comprehend
You can spend your life pursuing physical perfection
There is so much more, more than ever meets the eye
For God looks through the surface
And He defines your worth by, what is on the inside
-4 Him
This world can analyze and size you up
And throw you on the scales
They can IQ you and run you through
Their rigorous details
They can do their best to rate you
And they'll place you on their charts
And then back it up with scientific smarts
But there's more to what your worth
Than what their human eyes can see
I say the measure of a man
Is not how tall you stand
How wealthy or intelligent you are
Cause I found out the measure of a man
God knows and understands
For He looks inside to the bottom of your heart
And what's in the heart defines
The measure of a man
Well you can doubt your worth
And search for who you are and where you stand
But God made you in His image
When He formed you in his hands
And He looks at you with mercy
And He sees you through His love
You're His child and that will always be enough
For there's more to what you're worth
Than you could ever comprehend
You can spend your life pursuing physical perfection
There is so much more, more than ever meets the eye
For God looks through the surface
And He defines your worth by, what is on the inside
-4 Him
Monday, September 09, 2002
caving in
my world is caving in
each second you're absence is felt
i'm shut away in a glass enclousure
so i can't tell you how cold it is right here
happiness is a long word
but sadly, it's lifspan is short
to live and die at the end of each day
is yet another chore for me
when will i have direction
to end my own abjection
and live each day once more
like i ever did before
time never waits
for the very instance of waiting
is time in it itself
please give me time to know you
to fully live the life that was
meant to be ours
me and you in Life itself
for the greatest sadness in life itself
is not having any recollection
of intances of you
at all
my world is caving in
each second you're absence is felt
i'm shut away in a glass enclousure
so i can't tell you how cold it is right here
happiness is a long word
but sadly, it's lifspan is short
to live and die at the end of each day
is yet another chore for me
when will i have direction
to end my own abjection
and live each day once more
like i ever did before
time never waits
for the very instance of waiting
is time in it itself
please give me time to know you
to fully live the life that was
meant to be ours
me and you in Life itself
for the greatest sadness in life itself
is not having any recollection
of intances of you
at all
Saturday, September 07, 2002
gaseous
filled with frustration
vexed with anticipation
silently sit
quietly weep
freedom is hope
hope is comforting
seldom real
always disappointing
emanating despair
i solomnly contemplate
the direness of my lonely fate
emancipate my heart
balm my mind
let me not hear my own requiem
pacify my being
placate my soul
save me from the fire filled hole
nothing is for free
life's a journey
unlock the mysteries
i haven't realised
so that i'll be gaseous
and fit right in
filled with frustration
vexed with anticipation
silently sit
quietly weep
freedom is hope
hope is comforting
seldom real
always disappointing
emanating despair
i solomnly contemplate
the direness of my lonely fate
emancipate my heart
balm my mind
let me not hear my own requiem
pacify my being
placate my soul
save me from the fire filled hole
nothing is for free
life's a journey
unlock the mysteries
i haven't realised
so that i'll be gaseous
and fit right in
Thursday, September 05, 2002
quandary
life doesn't always go the way we want it
it never does for me
i have a final year project (FYP) outline to submit by next friday
the only problem is that i haven't settled on a project to take up as my FYP
it's , according to my supervisor either
too simple
or too hard
what then is just right.
i guess i'll never have a bright idea after being put down so many times
its hard enough to bite on my lip and taste the dirt
but as nature's built in device
anger will seep in sooner or later.
right now i have a long list of possible fyps...
only so little time to choose
it's hard living a life that's nice and beautiful
happiness is just a facade right here
life doesn't always go the way we want it
it never does for me
i have a final year project (FYP) outline to submit by next friday
the only problem is that i haven't settled on a project to take up as my FYP
it's , according to my supervisor either
too simple
or too hard
what then is just right.
i guess i'll never have a bright idea after being put down so many times
its hard enough to bite on my lip and taste the dirt
but as nature's built in device
anger will seep in sooner or later.
right now i have a long list of possible fyps...
only so little time to choose
it's hard living a life that's nice and beautiful
happiness is just a facade right here
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Moderate |
| Schizoid: | Low |
| Schizotypal: | Moderate |
| Antisocial: | Low |
| Borderline: | Moderate |
| Histrionic: | Moderate |
| Narcissistic: | Low |
| Avoidant: | High |
| Dependent: | Moderate |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | Moderate |
-- Take The test And Bare Your Soul -- | |
Saturday, August 31, 2002
sentosa
i just got back from a 3D2N chalet at sentosa this afternoon. technically i just got back from yet another reckless biking session with my usual group of buddies. as i wonder about what to include for this entry, the only thing which comes to my mind is the fresh impression of the chalet which i have just came back from. my expectation of the chalet was one of relaxation, sun, sand, video games, chat sessions, blading ,injury and escape. escape from my ensnared mind, escape from the every pressured life back on the mainland. if it was entitled that phrase in the first place. at the end of it, escape was missing. the sun was missing and the sane was missing. i'm back in my pigeon hole, in my own emo mindset so fixed beyond self. things don't always go our way whenever we want it. if it did, this wouldn't be called The World. there's just so many things which i want to do right now. anything except being bound by circumstances. anything except the government. anything except the law. if only i had just one day which i could do anything i want without being scrutinized and ostracised. that would be called my world. i'm beginning to hate writing blogs as they are becoming more cheesy to me. anyway. i'm tired of writing this entry. i shall end with this last sentence. Sentosa is a really emo place and it'll be really enjoyable with the people you are closest to being on it with you. fare well.
i just got back from a 3D2N chalet at sentosa this afternoon. technically i just got back from yet another reckless biking session with my usual group of buddies. as i wonder about what to include for this entry, the only thing which comes to my mind is the fresh impression of the chalet which i have just came back from. my expectation of the chalet was one of relaxation, sun, sand, video games, chat sessions, blading ,injury and escape. escape from my ensnared mind, escape from the every pressured life back on the mainland. if it was entitled that phrase in the first place. at the end of it, escape was missing. the sun was missing and the sane was missing. i'm back in my pigeon hole, in my own emo mindset so fixed beyond self. things don't always go our way whenever we want it. if it did, this wouldn't be called The World. there's just so many things which i want to do right now. anything except being bound by circumstances. anything except the government. anything except the law. if only i had just one day which i could do anything i want without being scrutinized and ostracised. that would be called my world. i'm beginning to hate writing blogs as they are becoming more cheesy to me. anyway. i'm tired of writing this entry. i shall end with this last sentence. Sentosa is a really emo place and it'll be really enjoyable with the people you are closest to being on it with you. fare well.
Wednesday, August 28, 2002
aneurysm
i think i'm losing it. my world has once again crumbled. there's just so many
things to do, things to complete, but yet so little time
that , just like any other cliche, sounds so lame (and yes this is another cliche too)
but it's so very true to me right now.
the longer i stay in this eternal waking dream
the longer i suffer from it
it's the kind of feeling so undescribable, but yet so real
the feeling of waking up each day just for another day
the feeling of meeting the same old people, and strangers to
the feeling of getting angry, and happy and angry once more
the feeling of craziness, depression..and yet deeper depression
the feeling of cars whizzing by along the roads
people on the streets
the feeling of every other ordinary day
i repeat
every other ORDINARY day
when will this endless pointless cycle end
when will people start to understand
that life is more than just living and living and living
for the sake of living alone
everyday people pass me by
not every knowing why
what they're every living for
not everyone knows
but not everyone doesn't ever know either
the headache is killing me.
fare well
i think i'm losing it. my world has once again crumbled. there's just so many
things to do, things to complete, but yet so little time
that , just like any other cliche, sounds so lame (and yes this is another cliche too)
but it's so very true to me right now.
the longer i stay in this eternal waking dream
the longer i suffer from it
it's the kind of feeling so undescribable, but yet so real
the feeling of waking up each day just for another day
the feeling of meeting the same old people, and strangers to
the feeling of getting angry, and happy and angry once more
the feeling of craziness, depression..and yet deeper depression
the feeling of cars whizzing by along the roads
people on the streets
the feeling of every other ordinary day
i repeat
every other ORDINARY day
when will this endless pointless cycle end
when will people start to understand
that life is more than just living and living and living
for the sake of living alone
everyday people pass me by
not every knowing why
what they're every living for
not everyone knows
but not everyone doesn't ever know either
the headache is killing me.
fare well
Monday, August 26, 2002
where is my sense of urgency
ok let's face it. my PWA test is today at 11.30am
i have an SA test tomorrow
and an NA test on wednesday
by right i should be mugging for my pwa test as it is by far the hardest fo the three
but i am not. why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why?
could it be so easy that i don't have to study ?
nope. i'm drowning in it
but i don't know why i just dun have that sense of urgency
it's weird. i've felt like this before..but not so slack until this state what...
sigh.
it is a good day to die.
ok let's face it. my PWA test is today at 11.30am
i have an SA test tomorrow
and an NA test on wednesday
by right i should be mugging for my pwa test as it is by far the hardest fo the three
but i am not. why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why?
could it be so easy that i don't have to study ?
nope. i'm drowning in it
but i don't know why i just dun have that sense of urgency
it's weird. i've felt like this before..but not so slack until this state what...
sigh.
it is a good day to die.
Sunday, August 25, 2002
in retrospect
a week of vacation has just passed me by
in retrospect, i had done nothing during the week except :
sleeping no later than 5am;
waking up no earlier than 2pm except on 2 days (wed and friday)
reading and completing 2 books :
frank mccourts's angela's ashes
john grisham's the summons
spending no more then 4 hours of the entire week studying
watching a movie with 2 cheesy short stories
in retrospect, i wish i hadn't slept and woken up so late
in retrospect i wished i had studied more
in retrospect i wished i had freed my soul
it's strange how we can be at peace with ourselves at one time
while simultaneously destroying ourselves in some other area of our life
cheesy?
in retrospect, i wished i had more time...to read more
haha
a week of vacation has just passed me by
in retrospect, i had done nothing during the week except :
sleeping no later than 5am;
waking up no earlier than 2pm except on 2 days (wed and friday)
reading and completing 2 books :
frank mccourts's angela's ashes
john grisham's the summons
spending no more then 4 hours of the entire week studying
watching a movie with 2 cheesy short stories
in retrospect, i wish i hadn't slept and woken up so late
in retrospect i wished i had studied more
in retrospect i wished i had freed my soul
it's strange how we can be at peace with ourselves at one time
while simultaneously destroying ourselves in some other area of our life
cheesy?
in retrospect, i wished i had more time...to read more
haha
Wednesday, August 21, 2002
so impossible
a comeback marks the beginning of new sorrow
So she says "Everyone's going to the party,
won't you come if I come with a friend for your friend?
I'd be so pleased to see you out of the classroom
wearing the smile that I'll bring you.
I was hoping to learn a few things
Do you do you like dishing the dirt on the whole class
& talking the big smack & playing the fool
& wearing all of the latest fashions
or bucking the new trends wearing your old threads.
If you like taking a cup of coffee in the evening.
These are a few things that I'd like to know that I'd like to know"
So I said... "I've been scheduled to work but I'll call in and
my friend isn't busy he'd be happy to join me and
maybe my friend and your friend will hit it off or maybe we will?"
I'm dying to know do you do you like dreaming of things so impossible
or only the practical or ever the wild or waiting through all your bad bad days
just to end them with someone you care about
and do you like making out
and long drives and brown eyes
and guys that just don't quite fit in
yeah do you like them
So yes, I'll see you there.
a comeback marks the beginning of new sorrow
So she says "Everyone's going to the party,
won't you come if I come with a friend for your friend?
I'd be so pleased to see you out of the classroom
wearing the smile that I'll bring you.
I was hoping to learn a few things
Do you do you like dishing the dirt on the whole class
& talking the big smack & playing the fool
& wearing all of the latest fashions
or bucking the new trends wearing your old threads.
If you like taking a cup of coffee in the evening.
These are a few things that I'd like to know that I'd like to know"
So I said... "I've been scheduled to work but I'll call in and
my friend isn't busy he'd be happy to join me and
maybe my friend and your friend will hit it off or maybe we will?"
I'm dying to know do you do you like dreaming of things so impossible
or only the practical or ever the wild or waiting through all your bad bad days
just to end them with someone you care about
and do you like making out
and long drives and brown eyes
and guys that just don't quite fit in
yeah do you like them
So yes, I'll see you there.
Thursday, August 15, 2002
Monday, August 12, 2002
the end of the dream
life is so mystical
an endless meaningless cycle
6 weeks of term have passed and i am still in a dream
a stupor of ideals which will never be fufilled
it's hard growing up
it's hard living
if only if only if only
seems to ring endlessly
my beloved angel
has pushed me down to hell
the only school bell i hear
is that of a bellowing knell
it's hard living a proper life
one which is free from sin
i guess we are all evil within
it's time to wake up
smell the corpses
of those which i have so lovingly
neglected.
many deeds have i to accomplish
many dreams to brush aside
no longer will i hide
the end of my waking dream is nearing
it's time to wake up....johnny
life is so mystical
an endless meaningless cycle
6 weeks of term have passed and i am still in a dream
a stupor of ideals which will never be fufilled
it's hard growing up
it's hard living
if only if only if only
seems to ring endlessly
my beloved angel
has pushed me down to hell
the only school bell i hear
is that of a bellowing knell
it's hard living a proper life
one which is free from sin
i guess we are all evil within
it's time to wake up
smell the corpses
of those which i have so lovingly
neglected.
many deeds have i to accomplish
many dreams to brush aside
no longer will i hide
the end of my waking dream is nearing
it's time to wake up....johnny
Friday, August 09, 2002
emotional inebriations
once again, another night is wasted
what was perceived was not performed
what was desired, was not fufilledrt
i'm so tired of Hope
hope that is comforting
hope that is false
fatigue in planning things and seeing them as
dreams is catching up on me
am i being too sensitive or am i being too nice
a friend has left the clique
only to see it dying
right now gatherings are often unspoken tales
perceived in the mind
fruitful equivalence to air
friends come and go
lovers meet and part
love and hate
pain and comfort
are they as important as life itself
for the very taking
another emo night
another futile fight
another angel departs
another mortal's dis-heart
when will the dream end
once again, another night is wasted
what was perceived was not performed
what was desired, was not fufilledrt
i'm so tired of Hope
hope that is comforting
hope that is false
fatigue in planning things and seeing them as
dreams is catching up on me
am i being too sensitive or am i being too nice
a friend has left the clique
only to see it dying
right now gatherings are often unspoken tales
perceived in the mind
fruitful equivalence to air
friends come and go
lovers meet and part
love and hate
pain and comfort
are they as important as life itself
for the very taking
another emo night
another futile fight
another angel departs
another mortal's dis-heart
when will the dream end
Wednesday, August 07, 2002
again it goes unnoticed
So quiet another wasted night, the television
steals the conversation exhale, another wasted
breath, again it goes unnoticed.
Please tell me you're just feeling tired
cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break out of touch,
out of time. Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
cause I can't read your rolling eyes out of touch,
are we out of time?
Close lipped another goodnight kiss is robbed of all it's passion,
your grip another time, is slack it leaves me feeling empty.
I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day when I can't bear these nights of thoughts
of going on without you this mood of yours is temporary
it seems worth the wait to see your smile again
out of the corner of your eye wont be the only way
you'll look at me then.
So quiet another wasted night, the television
steals the conversation exhale, another wasted
breath, again it goes unnoticed.
Please tell me you're just feeling tired
cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break out of touch,
out of time. Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
cause I can't read your rolling eyes out of touch,
are we out of time?
Close lipped another goodnight kiss is robbed of all it's passion,
your grip another time, is slack it leaves me feeling empty.
I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day when I can't bear these nights of thoughts
of going on without you this mood of yours is temporary
it seems worth the wait to see your smile again
out of the corner of your eye wont be the only way
you'll look at me then.
anima
another day, another life,another time without a wife
always assumming the worst
i've been living in a hearse
negative things breed negative thoughts
which never often should be sought
so many restrictions
so little transparency
mounting to invisible discrepancies
a life to be happy
a life to be free
all i'm living
is a life to be history
how long will this last
this immortal pain
the agony the torture
this mindless enclosure
silent ramblings are of no use
silent grief breaks the heart
but the only thing breaking is my heart
it weeps it bleeds for its wounds are endless
it weeps it bleeds it bleedeth for thee
another day, another life,another time without a wife
always assumming the worst
i've been living in a hearse
negative things breed negative thoughts
which never often should be sought
so many restrictions
so little transparency
mounting to invisible discrepancies
a life to be happy
a life to be free
all i'm living
is a life to be history
how long will this last
this immortal pain
the agony the torture
this mindless enclosure
silent ramblings are of no use
silent grief breaks the heart
but the only thing breaking is my heart
it weeps it bleeds for its wounds are endless
it weeps it bleeds it bleedeth for thee
Sunday, August 04, 2002
sleepless
it's 4.30 in the morning, exactly 2.5 hours after i last put myself to bed
the fact that there is church service tomorrow doesn't seem to help
at all.
not at all.
if i don't wake up on time for church in 5 hours to come
my parents would start bitching.
i wonder if they know that a person who goes to church regularly
may not necessarily be considered a christian
neither is one who doesn't.
to me, personally christianity is a relationship, not a religion
and attending chuch or not doesn't really reflect on your holiness
or image as the worldy termed "christian"
many would term me strange or call me blasphemous
but i don't really care
trust me, a guy who's trying to sleep but unable to is writing here.
right now it's as if i'm living in a waking dream
engaging in activities so important yet so meaningless
writing this entry is one of them
i wonder if EMO has to do with any of this
but no. i am EMO. this may sound cheesy i know.
i've gotten in and out of my bed 5 times already
when will i be able to sleep
this is another one of those days where
sleep tortures me.
it's 4.30 in the morning, exactly 2.5 hours after i last put myself to bed
the fact that there is church service tomorrow doesn't seem to help
at all.
not at all.
if i don't wake up on time for church in 5 hours to come
my parents would start bitching.
i wonder if they know that a person who goes to church regularly
may not necessarily be considered a christian
neither is one who doesn't.
to me, personally christianity is a relationship, not a religion
and attending chuch or not doesn't really reflect on your holiness
or image as the worldy termed "christian"
many would term me strange or call me blasphemous
but i don't really care
trust me, a guy who's trying to sleep but unable to is writing here.
right now it's as if i'm living in a waking dream
engaging in activities so important yet so meaningless
writing this entry is one of them
i wonder if EMO has to do with any of this
but no. i am EMO. this may sound cheesy i know.
i've gotten in and out of my bed 5 times already
when will i be able to sleep
this is another one of those days where
sleep tortures me.
Friday, August 02, 2002
aimless LIFEliness
spent yet another day wandering around the island looking
for exotic fishes/amphibians/salamanders
come to think of it, a total transit of 9 buses and a s**tload
of walking was done today compared to yesterday's biking escapade
at the end of the day. i got nothing.
sometimes i wonder why life is so similar to what i just experienced today
we come into this world unclothed
and leave this place with only clothes and probably,
a pretty box with lacquer and varnish.
along the way, we probably meet some nice souls around
but does it add up at all
man is such a pain in the ass.
making rules, building cities, printing money, killing man
abusing power,wielding knives,holding guns,having fun
at the end of the day. he gets nothing
spent yet another day wandering around the island looking
for exotic fishes/amphibians/salamanders
come to think of it, a total transit of 9 buses and a s**tload
of walking was done today compared to yesterday's biking escapade
at the end of the day. i got nothing.
sometimes i wonder why life is so similar to what i just experienced today
we come into this world unclothed
and leave this place with only clothes and probably,
a pretty box with lacquer and varnish.
along the way, we probably meet some nice souls around
but does it add up at all
man is such a pain in the ass.
making rules, building cities, printing money, killing man
abusing power,wielding knives,holding guns,having fun
at the end of the day. he gets nothing
Tuesday, July 30, 2002
new pet in da house
as mentioned earlier
i wasted the day,
located my liver and
had 10 hours of useless sleep
to redeem myself, i went out with my other fren who did the same thing as me
and got myself a new pet.
it's a newt (dunno the species) and it definetly kicks ass
my mum was like "what the hell is that!?!?" when she saw it
but right now it's slacking in a pet habitat container
probably freezing in the air-conditioned room
there's one pet i would like to get though
a snakehead
if any of u people reading this knows where to find one,
pls pls pls pls pls tell me
it'll really help me get my 3 feet tank back from my mum
who's currently rearing 2 miserable Flower Horns (what a stupid name)
or what the chinks would call "luo han"
as mentioned earlier
i wasted the day,
located my liver and
had 10 hours of useless sleep
to redeem myself, i went out with my other fren who did the same thing as me
and got myself a new pet.
it's a newt (dunno the species) and it definetly kicks ass
my mum was like "what the hell is that!?!?" when she saw it
but right now it's slacking in a pet habitat container
probably freezing in the air-conditioned room
there's one pet i would like to get though
a snakehead
if any of u people reading this knows where to find one,
pls pls pls pls pls tell me
it'll really help me get my 3 feet tank back from my mum
who's currently rearing 2 miserable Flower Horns (what a stupid name)
or what the chinks would call "luo han"
Monday, July 29, 2002
Sunday, July 28, 2002
pointless clamourings
bits and bytes are wearing me down
refresh after refresh i begin to frown
upon my head lays a crown
a sigh, a curse, a silent hearse
i stumple, i slip and eternally weep
why must my picture be painted with toil
dust upon dust, soil to soil
Ender with save me that i know
i will continue this useless poem before it snows
to the dinner table i shall go
bits and bytes are wearing me down
refresh after refresh i begin to frown
upon my head lays a crown
a sigh, a curse, a silent hearse
i stumple, i slip and eternally weep
why must my picture be painted with toil
dust upon dust, soil to soil
Ender with save me that i know
i will continue this useless poem before it snows
to the dinner table i shall go
Saturday, July 27, 2002
aimless
i just woke up from 8 hours of much desired sleep
somehow i feel refreshed and somehow i feel cheated
i kind of messed up my biological clock and mealtime
lunch tastes weird at this hour. the bean sprouts taste sour, the steamed egg stinks
and the rice soggy
right now i feel so aimless there are many things that i can do right now
but it is just so hard to choose
i just woke up from 8 hours of much desired sleep
somehow i feel refreshed and somehow i feel cheated
i kind of messed up my biological clock and mealtime
lunch tastes weird at this hour. the bean sprouts taste sour, the steamed egg stinks
and the rice soggy
right now i feel so aimless there are many things that i can do right now
but it is just so hard to choose
arbitary solace
here i am sitting in a spacious hall at a friend's place
with 4 jokers areound me either focused on the sony black box right in front of me
or on the 14 inch ACER monitor
i don't know why i am up at such an ungodly hour
i don't know why am i actually here
i don't know what am i going to do right after i complete this entry
but all i do know is that
it's great to be away from home
it's funny how parents can still hold such tight constraints on a 19 year old
so funny that i term it strange
in the beginning i thought that my parents were complete bitches
perpetually bitching me and "running" my life
but it is only until today, tonight
that i realise that there are people worse off than me
it's true that maturity is an essential aspect in a parent's trust for a child
it is also true that maturity does not come with age
but little do most parents know that they have to put their child's life on the anvil
to be forged and shaped by the furnace of life in order to grow
not many people think the way like me
i do not blame them
neither do i blame myself
for that makes up a person's individuality
for without it
humans would be mere robots of society
what is life actually
birth, childhood,school,work,marriage,family,birth,death
is it that cyclic or is it worth more
it is all up to us
the path of life has already been planned
the outcome destined
is is only the journey that is unknown
not many people may see things the way i do
some may term me eccentric,weird,spastic or downright cynical
but hey
that's me, johnny
here i am sitting in a spacious hall at a friend's place
with 4 jokers areound me either focused on the sony black box right in front of me
or on the 14 inch ACER monitor
i don't know why i am up at such an ungodly hour
i don't know why am i actually here
i don't know what am i going to do right after i complete this entry
but all i do know is that
it's great to be away from home
it's funny how parents can still hold such tight constraints on a 19 year old
so funny that i term it strange
in the beginning i thought that my parents were complete bitches
perpetually bitching me and "running" my life
but it is only until today, tonight
that i realise that there are people worse off than me
it's true that maturity is an essential aspect in a parent's trust for a child
it is also true that maturity does not come with age
but little do most parents know that they have to put their child's life on the anvil
to be forged and shaped by the furnace of life in order to grow
not many people think the way like me
i do not blame them
neither do i blame myself
for that makes up a person's individuality
for without it
humans would be mere robots of society
what is life actually
birth, childhood,school,work,marriage,family,birth,death
is it that cyclic or is it worth more
it is all up to us
the path of life has already been planned
the outcome destined
is is only the journey that is unknown
not many people may see things the way i do
some may term me eccentric,weird,spastic or downright cynical
but hey
that's me, johnny
Thursday, July 25, 2002
out of reach
long way from home,
lost by an echo, i'd never of known
i've got pictures to prove i was there,
but you don't care
here's me overseas, across a pond by the Dover peaks
i've smuggled myself into new nationalities, you think yo'd be proud of me
there's room to believe, out of mind, out of sight, out of reach
start over is no way to begin
-get up kids
long way from home,
lost by an echo, i'd never of known
i've got pictures to prove i was there,
but you don't care
here's me overseas, across a pond by the Dover peaks
i've smuggled myself into new nationalities, you think yo'd be proud of me
there's room to believe, out of mind, out of sight, out of reach
start over is no way to begin
-get up kids
Wednesday, July 24, 2002
painful joy
in deafening silence a hermit dwells
actor of life, survivour of the swells
he aches , he weeps in silent grief
for his heart has been stolen by a thief
the thief supreme, the thief discreet
for this is on thief timely unique
in deafening silence a warrior dwells
child-like is he among the quells
he's lonely, yet composed
of health hale
despite Life's hails
in defening silence a young man weeps
of life's toils and pleasures to meet
he wonders why, he wonders how
how hard he wonders
time will not tell
perhaps life was meant to be discovered
perhaps pain was meant to be felt
perhaps love was meant to break us
perhaps joy was meant to heal
perhaps hope is comforting
but in the end we all break down
when reality kicks in
what is heartbreak without pain
what is pain without wounds
what is memory without scars
what is life without memory
nothing. indeed. nothing.
in deafening silence a hermit dwells
actor of life, survivour of the swells
he aches , he weeps in silent grief
for his heart has been stolen by a thief
the thief supreme, the thief discreet
for this is on thief timely unique
in deafening silence a warrior dwells
child-like is he among the quells
he's lonely, yet composed
of health hale
despite Life's hails
in defening silence a young man weeps
of life's toils and pleasures to meet
he wonders why, he wonders how
how hard he wonders
time will not tell
perhaps life was meant to be discovered
perhaps pain was meant to be felt
perhaps love was meant to break us
perhaps joy was meant to heal
perhaps hope is comforting
but in the end we all break down
when reality kicks in
what is heartbreak without pain
what is pain without wounds
what is memory without scars
what is life without memory
nothing. indeed. nothing.
Tuesday, July 23, 2002
AUGUST IN BETHANY
with the sounds of the ocean crashing 7:30 friday
evening everything comes tumbling down i choke
back each tear that bleeds i'd rather rest forever in
your arms i'd rather stay here than go but i know
that i should leave as i sit here helpless don't go
you said you wouldn't you said you couldn't i think
of our time together is it fading am i dreaming
everything you said lives on i cherish our memories
i want to kiss your tears away tonight it's hard to
give up the one you never thought you'd leave don't
go your eyes see through my soul don't go you say
as i walk out the door.
brett detar
with the sounds of the ocean crashing 7:30 friday
evening everything comes tumbling down i choke
back each tear that bleeds i'd rather rest forever in
your arms i'd rather stay here than go but i know
that i should leave as i sit here helpless don't go
you said you wouldn't you said you couldn't i think
of our time together is it fading am i dreaming
everything you said lives on i cherish our memories
i want to kiss your tears away tonight it's hard to
give up the one you never thought you'd leave don't
go your eyes see through my soul don't go you say
as i walk out the door.
brett detar
Monday, July 22, 2002
obsession
it's 4 + in the morning and i am stil awake
not because of insomia
but because of the ps2
in my house is a clown who like me,
have decided to game for the whole night once more
the difference : he has school...and i don't
i'd most probably be skipping my lecture tomorrow
1 hour of lecture half hour of leaning; in my opinion
i've started to wonder abt the meaning of life once again
how it all adds up
how it all began
it's going to be another though provoking month
pray for me
it's 4 + in the morning and i am stil awake
not because of insomia
but because of the ps2
in my house is a clown who like me,
have decided to game for the whole night once more
the difference : he has school...and i don't
i'd most probably be skipping my lecture tomorrow
1 hour of lecture half hour of leaning; in my opinion
i've started to wonder abt the meaning of life once again
how it all adds up
how it all began
it's going to be another though provoking month
pray for me
Thursday, July 18, 2002
here is now
the wait is over
i finally got my damn PS2 today
although i am $650 poorer, i'm sure i did not make a wrong choice in investing in such a console.
it has been 9 years since i last owned a game console
what have i been doing then?
i was probably too oblivious of the gaming world outside of my shores
anyway i'm writing this blog for the record.
let's just hope the ps2 would not be my downfall
i'm off ..to the games
the wait is over
i finally got my damn PS2 today
although i am $650 poorer, i'm sure i did not make a wrong choice in investing in such a console.
it has been 9 years since i last owned a game console
what have i been doing then?
i was probably too oblivious of the gaming world outside of my shores
anyway i'm writing this blog for the record.
let's just hope the ps2 would not be my downfall
i'm off ..to the games
Tuesday, July 16, 2002
question of life
i finally drowned today.
i saw the signs yet did not bother preparing
PWA finally killed me
Soon the other modules will skin me
softly, gently peeling me
cell by cell, skin by skin
until all that remains is but a tormented soul
many have fallen, many have failed
yet up till tdy i still hailed
pride comes before a fall
why is it that i fell
when i did not have pride at all
how apt it should be termed life is beautiful
when the only beautiful thing is death itself
my lamentations would never be understood
until the day death comes
if only i could walk away
if only i could sleep
i'd never be forced
to carry on this pointless feat
what is it that i seek
i asked a tree
it did not respond
indeed.
i finally drowned today.
i saw the signs yet did not bother preparing
PWA finally killed me
Soon the other modules will skin me
softly, gently peeling me
cell by cell, skin by skin
until all that remains is but a tormented soul
many have fallen, many have failed
yet up till tdy i still hailed
pride comes before a fall
why is it that i fell
when i did not have pride at all
how apt it should be termed life is beautiful
when the only beautiful thing is death itself
my lamentations would never be understood
until the day death comes
if only i could walk away
if only i could sleep
i'd never be forced
to carry on this pointless feat
what is it that i seek
i asked a tree
it did not respond
indeed.
Monday, July 15, 2002
reqium for microsoft
some damn thing always happens they say
just 2 days(or maybe 1; i've lost touch of time) ago i reformatted my laptop
only to have it boot up slower than before
and now i'm doing another reformat
on my haunted desktop.
everything went well before the format...
until xp started to mess up
it's alright, a simple reformat would do was what i told myself
but never did i expect that xp ould screw me up again
this time...networking was not possible
here at 2.35 am, monday morning
where i sould be clearing movies or probably biking around
i am seated
in my cold solemn den
nursing a runny nose from God knows where i got it from
and installing windows 2000 professional
if bill gates was right in front of me
i would burn all my microsoft products
and probably feed him my hard disk.
if the world did not depend so much on microsoft as it depended on evil
if the world did not use computers but do things the traditional way
if the world would stop and think about what are they living for actually
if the world did not exist
if the world would suddenly end too soon
what did we work for
what did we live for
if the world would suddenly end
virtual reality and reality
would be no more
some damn thing always happens they say
just 2 days(or maybe 1; i've lost touch of time) ago i reformatted my laptop
only to have it boot up slower than before
and now i'm doing another reformat
on my haunted desktop.
everything went well before the format...
until xp started to mess up
it's alright, a simple reformat would do was what i told myself
but never did i expect that xp ould screw me up again
this time...networking was not possible
here at 2.35 am, monday morning
where i sould be clearing movies or probably biking around
i am seated
in my cold solemn den
nursing a runny nose from God knows where i got it from
and installing windows 2000 professional
if bill gates was right in front of me
i would burn all my microsoft products
and probably feed him my hard disk.
if the world did not depend so much on microsoft as it depended on evil
if the world did not use computers but do things the traditional way
if the world would stop and think about what are they living for actually
if the world did not exist
if the world would suddenly end too soon
what did we work for
what did we live for
if the world would suddenly end
virtual reality and reality
would be no more
Sunday, July 14, 2002
what time is it ?
the title wasn't chosen because it rung a bell to the country's beer
but rather, because i really want to know
the whole of saturday has been turned upside down
i hit the sack at around 8 in the morning only to wake up at 1300 hours
talk about nocturnal
i hate myself.
instead of making time worth the while i HAD to play warcraft 3
until i fell asleep at 7pm only to wake up at 10pm
what an idiot. but anyway, if not now..then when?
i'm going to force myself to sleep right now
now
the title wasn't chosen because it rung a bell to the country's beer
but rather, because i really want to know
the whole of saturday has been turned upside down
i hit the sack at around 8 in the morning only to wake up at 1300 hours
talk about nocturnal
i hate myself.
instead of making time worth the while i HAD to play warcraft 3
until i fell asleep at 7pm only to wake up at 10pm
what an idiot. but anyway, if not now..then when?
i'm going to force myself to sleep right now
now
Saturday, July 13, 2002
a new day has come
the time is 0716 hours.
i've been awake for around 20 hours already
the nightmare began at 1800hrs friday,12 of july when NP screwed up my laptop
my laptop is stil screwed right now
it takes about a minute to boot up.
why did they invent computers in the first place
to me, it has always been regarded as virtual maintainence
i haven't configured it for the NP network yet..but hopefully i'll be able to do it later today..
if some kind soul would wake me up
i won't be going to bed after this blog...but raather installing the rest of the software which i deem important.
wish me godspeed
the time is 0716 hours.
i've been awake for around 20 hours already
the nightmare began at 1800hrs friday,12 of july when NP screwed up my laptop
my laptop is stil screwed right now
it takes about a minute to boot up.
why did they invent computers in the first place
to me, it has always been regarded as virtual maintainence
i haven't configured it for the NP network yet..but hopefully i'll be able to do it later today..
if some kind soul would wake me up
i won't be going to bed after this blog...but raather installing the rest of the software which i deem important.
wish me godspeed
Friday, July 12, 2002
free me, please
as i speak, the other part of me is being formatted
however, as much as it wants to be formatted
it can't
there's always a glitch at 49%
a soul told me that it's most likely an addressing error
i hate my laptop's build in RAM
it screws everything up
i hate NP
it was the cause of all this shit
it's amazing how God balances the world
with the rich being utterly stupid
and the poor having all the logic sense in the world
and in this case..a school which educates
and the staff which just messes up the lives of the students
pretty people with ugly minds
ugly people with pretty minds
sometimes the gold you find
can actually be shit in disguise
as i type, another format has failed again
i'm trying to format the hard drive in FAT32 format this time
but what's the use of having a pretty wife
without being able to see her in all her glorious beauty?
this is what i'm feeling now
windows 2000 professional with a FAT32 file format
the worlds biggest joke of the day
how i wish Bill died and never existed
that way at least i won't be worrying abt file formats
as i speak, the other part of me is being formatted
however, as much as it wants to be formatted
it can't
there's always a glitch at 49%
a soul told me that it's most likely an addressing error
i hate my laptop's build in RAM
it screws everything up
i hate NP
it was the cause of all this shit
it's amazing how God balances the world
with the rich being utterly stupid
and the poor having all the logic sense in the world
and in this case..a school which educates
and the staff which just messes up the lives of the students
pretty people with ugly minds
ugly people with pretty minds
sometimes the gold you find
can actually be shit in disguise
as i type, another format has failed again
i'm trying to format the hard drive in FAT32 format this time
but what's the use of having a pretty wife
without being able to see her in all her glorious beauty?
this is what i'm feeling now
windows 2000 professional with a FAT32 file format
the worlds biggest joke of the day
how i wish Bill died and never existed
that way at least i won't be worrying abt file formats
new addICtion
i have a new found addiction
it's not tar or ethanol
but blood
the blood lust contained in warcraft 3
it's a pretty nice game although still dry as ever
i feel that i'm an extremist
because i am currently playing like crazy even though it's my final year at NP
talk about bad childhood
perhaps it was because my holidays were taken away from em for attachment
or maybe because of my slack timetable
but whatever the cause
i hope someone would really wake me up from my dream
the waking dream which i'm living each day
when will she come?
God, please send me an angel.
i have a new found addiction
it's not tar or ethanol
but blood
the blood lust contained in warcraft 3
it's a pretty nice game although still dry as ever
i feel that i'm an extremist
because i am currently playing like crazy even though it's my final year at NP
talk about bad childhood
perhaps it was because my holidays were taken away from em for attachment
or maybe because of my slack timetable
but whatever the cause
i hope someone would really wake me up from my dream
the waking dream which i'm living each day
when will she come?
God, please send me an angel.
Thursday, July 11, 2002
juxtoposed
i've finally bothered to blog again. sometimes i wonder how this would help me.
i blog and blog and blog and it's still the same me
does it affect anything or anyone or any situation in life
if it did, it's terrible
if it didn't it's terrible
i finally completed my vtp report within a span of 3 hours
3 hours of bullshitting i hope it pays off
wasting all my cranium and printer ink.
oh by the way i smashed my epson 680 and bought an HP deskject 948c
my timetable for school is slack
too slack for a slack person like me
i'm starting to doubt it.
somehow...i have this weird feeling that some shit is going to hit me hard again
some damn thing always happens they say
when will the dream end
when will i finally see the shrouded sun
to live in darkness is to see the light
but only in darkness can you see the light
i've finally bothered to blog again. sometimes i wonder how this would help me.
i blog and blog and blog and it's still the same me
does it affect anything or anyone or any situation in life
if it did, it's terrible
if it didn't it's terrible
i finally completed my vtp report within a span of 3 hours
3 hours of bullshitting i hope it pays off
wasting all my cranium and printer ink.
oh by the way i smashed my epson 680 and bought an HP deskject 948c
my timetable for school is slack
too slack for a slack person like me
i'm starting to doubt it.
somehow...i have this weird feeling that some shit is going to hit me hard again
some damn thing always happens they say
when will the dream end
when will i finally see the shrouded sun
to live in darkness is to see the light
but only in darkness can you see the light
Wednesday, July 03, 2002
a future so bleak
i've suddenly got the inspiration to write again
not because i was inspired, but i was de-inspired to a stage that i have to let this out.
the world is suddenly ugly again
it has switched its mask overnight
from nice
to heart wrenching
a friend of mine just fell away
disregarded himself from the rest of the gang
in mortal flesh his presence still holds
but mindfully he has left
the only remnant being his grey matter.
how longer will people stay
how long more till they hold sway
is it that hard to walk the path of righteousness
and its rewards better than happiness?
everyday i battle with my inner self
to do the right things, refrain from those wrong
i've had more victories but defeats are looming
enstranged boy in enstranged society
just what do people want
just what do i want
answers in life are paradoxes
actions of joy will become actions of sorrow
actions of grief will become actions of comfort
why is the world so messed up
why does it ever exist in the first place.
friends,family,lovers,children
they all vanish when you die.
i've suddenly got the inspiration to write again
not because i was inspired, but i was de-inspired to a stage that i have to let this out.
the world is suddenly ugly again
it has switched its mask overnight
from nice
to heart wrenching
a friend of mine just fell away
disregarded himself from the rest of the gang
in mortal flesh his presence still holds
but mindfully he has left
the only remnant being his grey matter.
how longer will people stay
how long more till they hold sway
is it that hard to walk the path of righteousness
and its rewards better than happiness?
everyday i battle with my inner self
to do the right things, refrain from those wrong
i've had more victories but defeats are looming
enstranged boy in enstranged society
just what do people want
just what do i want
answers in life are paradoxes
actions of joy will become actions of sorrow
actions of grief will become actions of comfort
why is the world so messed up
why does it ever exist in the first place.
friends,family,lovers,children
they all vanish when you die.
Sunday, June 30, 2002
here with me
in my head
i have dreams
i have visions of many things
questions flooding my mind
pictures fill my head
i feel so trapped instead
but trapped doesn't seem so bad
this dysfunctional me
in my heart I had hope
built on dreams that somehow wouldn't show
answers to love lost
visions fill my head
i felt so trapped instead
but trapped didn't seem so bad
this timid me
it doesn't mean anything
the way i act
the way i fret
but I am still trapped
I need her here with me
I need her here with me
in my head
i have dreams
i have visions of many things
questions flooding my mind
pictures fill my head
i feel so trapped instead
but trapped doesn't seem so bad
this dysfunctional me
in my heart I had hope
built on dreams that somehow wouldn't show
answers to love lost
visions fill my head
i felt so trapped instead
but trapped didn't seem so bad
this timid me
it doesn't mean anything
the way i act
the way i fret
but I am still trapped
I need her here with me
I need her here with me
Friday, June 28, 2002
the very one word i hate
a person, an entity , an object
best ally, worst enemy ; the subject
relationships forged, relativity broken
words of kindness often spoken
he backs you up ,pulls you down
makes and breaks your very soul
sometimes i wonder why he exists
no man is an island
neither is he an archipelago
the world is made up of islands
so why the phrase
many a time i have been struck down
many a time my face is frowned
but never a time have i been the clown
the clown of a trusted friend.
why does avarice rule the world
why does lust rule over love
why do thousands suffer
while the very trival
wade in luxury
good vs evil
love vs hate
morality vs immorality
why do such thigns exist
the very word which disappoints me time and again
friend. i hate that word
a person, an entity , an object
best ally, worst enemy ; the subject
relationships forged, relativity broken
words of kindness often spoken
he backs you up ,pulls you down
makes and breaks your very soul
sometimes i wonder why he exists
no man is an island
neither is he an archipelago
the world is made up of islands
so why the phrase
many a time i have been struck down
many a time my face is frowned
but never a time have i been the clown
the clown of a trusted friend.
why does avarice rule the world
why does lust rule over love
why do thousands suffer
while the very trival
wade in luxury
good vs evil
love vs hate
morality vs immorality
why do such thigns exist
the very word which disappoints me time and again
friend. i hate that word
a blinding truth
it's my last day of work tomorrow
somehow i feel a sense of loss
not because i lost my holidays to stinking VTP (vacation training prog)
not because i lost precious time which could be used for other things
but the loss of belonging
being at NIE was a blessing
with a neat environment and neat people
it was totally l33t.
to have such a working place for attachment
was definetly a miracle in messed up singapura
lunch with mr tan and eric at swensen's today was revealing
although i had my eyes on the chick behind the 2 giants most of the time
if only we had lunch earlier..if only
perhaps it's the emotional side of me
perhaps i got too attached to the place
people will never know
only i will
anyway there's use lamenting about tomorrow's departure
another school term has begun
with new friendships to be made
and broken.
it has never happened if the memory is not there
human memory is just a record
you can't write that record
it's my last day of work tomorrow
somehow i feel a sense of loss
not because i lost my holidays to stinking VTP (vacation training prog)
not because i lost precious time which could be used for other things
but the loss of belonging
being at NIE was a blessing
with a neat environment and neat people
it was totally l33t.
to have such a working place for attachment
was definetly a miracle in messed up singapura
lunch with mr tan and eric at swensen's today was revealing
although i had my eyes on the chick behind the 2 giants most of the time
if only we had lunch earlier..if only
perhaps it's the emotional side of me
perhaps i got too attached to the place
people will never know
only i will
anyway there's use lamenting about tomorrow's departure
another school term has begun
with new friendships to be made
and broken.
it has never happened if the memory is not there
human memory is just a record
you can't write that record
Tuesday, June 25, 2002
the story so far
in case you guys do not already know, i've been working at NIE for the past 1 and 3/4 month.
today is the 4th last day of work
i just can't wait for it to end
not that i hate to work or anything
but due to other reasons which only my closest buddies will know / can deduce about
througout the past week i've been rushing to finish everything so that i can enjoy my last few days of work at nie
and i've been doing that since then
day in day out bytes of my hardisk are being used and unused
what's the cause? -----> movies
i think i've watched around 20 or more movies already
i'm getting seriously lethargic
anyway the thought of school reatsrting is already getting into my soul
affecting me in every enjoyment which i am about to embark on
the fact that i'll be in year 3 and the letters FYP are aready freaking me out
things will be tougher this year
with a fallen star which i can no longer meet up with in school and go back with
no love of my life
and better still
no decent number of people which i can really trust when it comes to projects
but like they always say "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"
i'll screw them all
in case you guys do not already know, i've been working at NIE for the past 1 and 3/4 month.
today is the 4th last day of work
i just can't wait for it to end
not that i hate to work or anything
but due to other reasons which only my closest buddies will know / can deduce about
througout the past week i've been rushing to finish everything so that i can enjoy my last few days of work at nie
and i've been doing that since then
day in day out bytes of my hardisk are being used and unused
what's the cause? -----> movies
i think i've watched around 20 or more movies already
i'm getting seriously lethargic
anyway the thought of school reatsrting is already getting into my soul
affecting me in every enjoyment which i am about to embark on
the fact that i'll be in year 3 and the letters FYP are aready freaking me out
things will be tougher this year
with a fallen star which i can no longer meet up with in school and go back with
no love of my life
and better still
no decent number of people which i can really trust when it comes to projects
but like they always say "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"
i'll screw them all
Saturday, June 22, 2002
someday the dream will end
[FMV: Yuna continues the sending, on the airship. In the background, the Aeons are floating around, and Sin falls down, exploding in a MASSIVE blanket of yellowish energy that spans a huge distance. The Airship floats above the cloud of yellow. We see the Aeons, floating around, get sent. Sin's fin explodes in a huge burst of energy as well. On Mount Gagazet, the fayths turns to stone, and the pillar of blue energy turns into a ball of water, then vanishes into many water bubbles. In the bubbles, we see images of the people of the dreamworld; Tidus is one of them. Back on the airship, Tidus looks at himself, as he begins to fade. Yuna shakes her head]
Yuna
"No."
Tidus
"Yuna, I have to go."
"I'm sorry I couldn't show you Zanarkand."
"Goodbye!"
Wakka
"Hey!"
Rikku
"We're gonna see you again...?"
Kimahri
"Yuna!"
[Yuna runs to Tidus and passes through him. Everyone gasps. He looks at his hands; pyreflies fly up from his body. Yuna, lying down, watches a pyrefly fly up in front of her face. They go into the air. Yuna stands up; their backs are facing each other]
Yuna
"I love you."
[Tidus turns and faces her back, a sad look on his face. Yuna faces forward solemnly. He walks up to her from behind and wraps his partially-fading arms around her. He fades through her body, walking forward. We see a final shot of the group; Kimahri and Lulu are showing little to no emotion, though Lulu does do a small wave. Yuna's still staring forward. Rikku is jumping and waving. Wakka looks sad and dejected, almost like he said/did something wrong. Tidus, burying his anguish, turns around and sprints to the edge of the airship, and jumps off. He floats down through the clouds, and vanishes...we see Braska, Auron, and Jecht. Jecht sticks out his hand; Tidus slaps it]
[Scene change; on a dock in Luca (presumably) looking out to sea. Yuna whistles. She breathes, and whistles again. Lulu walks up the dock]
Lulu
"Yuna, it's time."
[Yuna turns around and walks to Luca Stadium, which is behind her. We see an overview of the stadium, with no blitzball waterball. However, the stands are packed and everyone's cheering. Yuna is standing on a balcony looking at the people]
Yuna
"Everyone...everyone has lost something precious."
"Everyone here has lost homes, dreams, and friends."
"Everybody..."
"Now, Sin is finally dead."
[They clap. We see a shot of Yuna: standing behind her, to her right and left are Rikku and Wakka, respectively]
Yuna
"Now, Spira is ours again."
"Working together..."
[Lulu is shown, then Wakka, Kimahri, and Rikku]
"Now we can make new homes for ourselves, and new dreams."
"Although I know the journey will be hard, we have lots of time."
"Together, we will rebuild Spira."
"The road is ahead of us, so let's start out today."
[She turns around. Wakka nods, and the rest of the group seems happy. She turns back to the crowd, who are cheering wildly]
"Just, one more thing..."
"The people and the friends that we have lost, or the dreams that have faded..."
[We see quick shots of FMV's from the game. In order, they are: Kimahri growling, Rikku on the airship deck looking around, Lulu, Auron, and Wakka looking around at Zanarkand in Guadosalam, Seymour kissing Yuna, and the scene with Tidus and Yuna at the lake, culminating in an overview of that area of Macalania Woods. Yuna is then shown, as a small pyrefly flies by her face. The screen goes black; the pyrefly continues to float and flies off-screen]
"Never forget them."
[FMV: Yuna continues the sending, on the airship. In the background, the Aeons are floating around, and Sin falls down, exploding in a MASSIVE blanket of yellowish energy that spans a huge distance. The Airship floats above the cloud of yellow. We see the Aeons, floating around, get sent. Sin's fin explodes in a huge burst of energy as well. On Mount Gagazet, the fayths turns to stone, and the pillar of blue energy turns into a ball of water, then vanishes into many water bubbles. In the bubbles, we see images of the people of the dreamworld; Tidus is one of them. Back on the airship, Tidus looks at himself, as he begins to fade. Yuna shakes her head]
Yuna
"No."
Tidus
"Yuna, I have to go."
"I'm sorry I couldn't show you Zanarkand."
"Goodbye!"
Wakka
"Hey!"
Rikku
"We're gonna see you again...?"
Kimahri
"Yuna!"
[Yuna runs to Tidus and passes through him. Everyone gasps. He looks at his hands; pyreflies fly up from his body. Yuna, lying down, watches a pyrefly fly up in front of her face. They go into the air. Yuna stands up; their backs are facing each other]
Yuna
"I love you."
[Tidus turns and faces her back, a sad look on his face. Yuna faces forward solemnly. He walks up to her from behind and wraps his partially-fading arms around her. He fades through her body, walking forward. We see a final shot of the group; Kimahri and Lulu are showing little to no emotion, though Lulu does do a small wave. Yuna's still staring forward. Rikku is jumping and waving. Wakka looks sad and dejected, almost like he said/did something wrong. Tidus, burying his anguish, turns around and sprints to the edge of the airship, and jumps off. He floats down through the clouds, and vanishes...we see Braska, Auron, and Jecht. Jecht sticks out his hand; Tidus slaps it]
[Scene change; on a dock in Luca (presumably) looking out to sea. Yuna whistles. She breathes, and whistles again. Lulu walks up the dock]
Lulu
"Yuna, it's time."
[Yuna turns around and walks to Luca Stadium, which is behind her. We see an overview of the stadium, with no blitzball waterball. However, the stands are packed and everyone's cheering. Yuna is standing on a balcony looking at the people]
Yuna
"Everyone...everyone has lost something precious."
"Everyone here has lost homes, dreams, and friends."
"Everybody..."
"Now, Sin is finally dead."
[They clap. We see a shot of Yuna: standing behind her, to her right and left are Rikku and Wakka, respectively]
Yuna
"Now, Spira is ours again."
"Working together..."
[Lulu is shown, then Wakka, Kimahri, and Rikku]
"Now we can make new homes for ourselves, and new dreams."
"Although I know the journey will be hard, we have lots of time."
"Together, we will rebuild Spira."
"The road is ahead of us, so let's start out today."
[She turns around. Wakka nods, and the rest of the group seems happy. She turns back to the crowd, who are cheering wildly]
"Just, one more thing..."
"The people and the friends that we have lost, or the dreams that have faded..."
[We see quick shots of FMV's from the game. In order, they are: Kimahri growling, Rikku on the airship deck looking around, Lulu, Auron, and Wakka looking around at Zanarkand in Guadosalam, Seymour kissing Yuna, and the scene with Tidus and Yuna at the lake, culminating in an overview of that area of Macalania Woods. Yuna is then shown, as a small pyrefly flies by her face. The screen goes black; the pyrefly continues to float and flies off-screen]
"Never forget them."
the end of a dream
i just completed final fantasy 10 a few minutes ago
the ending was disappointing
Tidus, the main lead did not end up with Yuna, the female lead after all
he was a dream dreamt up by people whose souls were trapped (fayth) and used as "Aeons"
(or something like that...all FF games are slightly messed up)
to help rescue Spira (the world where Yuna and her friends live in)
from Sin (which is this moron called Yu Yevon combined by an aeon).
what was seen as hope was actually a dream
tidus was a dream
tidus was not real
so is hope then, real?
or is it like what Yunalesca (another character) said ?
that hope was..comforting
it was to provide false happiness to lessen a tradgedy
this game has either made me more messed up or wiser
i guess it's both of the above
i just completed final fantasy 10 a few minutes ago
the ending was disappointing
Tidus, the main lead did not end up with Yuna, the female lead after all
he was a dream dreamt up by people whose souls were trapped (fayth) and used as "Aeons"
(or something like that...all FF games are slightly messed up)
to help rescue Spira (the world where Yuna and her friends live in)
from Sin (which is this moron called Yu Yevon combined by an aeon).
what was seen as hope was actually a dream
tidus was a dream
tidus was not real
so is hope then, real?
or is it like what Yunalesca (another character) said ?
that hope was..comforting
it was to provide false happiness to lessen a tradgedy
this game has either made me more messed up or wiser
i guess it's both of the above
Friday, June 21, 2002
false hope
england just lost to brazil a few minutes ago
think world cup is screwed
if that's the case
senagal will hold the 2002 world cup already
what is hope then?
it is a false entity which comforts people
rather than facing the tragic truth itself
hope was there to comfort us
to ease the pain
it never changes the outcome
nor lessens the effects of the tradgedy
i wish you godspeed, senagal
england just lost to brazil a few minutes ago
think world cup is screwed
if that's the case
senagal will hold the 2002 world cup already
what is hope then?
it is a false entity which comforts people
rather than facing the tragic truth itself
hope was there to comfort us
to ease the pain
it never changes the outcome
nor lessens the effects of the tradgedy
i wish you godspeed, senagal
Thursday, June 20, 2002
stranded
You know it only breaks my heart
to see you standing in the dark
oh, waiting there for me
to come back
I'm too afraid to show
it's coming over you
like its coming over me
crashing like a tidal wave
that drags me out to sea
and I wanna be with you
if you wanna be with me
crashing like a tidal wave
and i don't wanna be
stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded
but I can only take so much
these tears are turning me to rust
I know, you're waiting there for me
to come back
I'm too afraid to show
I miss you
I need you
without you i'm stronger
I love you
so come back, i'm not afraid to show...
You know it only breaks my heart
to see you standing in the dark
oh, waiting there for me
to come back
I'm too afraid to show
it's coming over you
like its coming over me
crashing like a tidal wave
that drags me out to sea
and I wanna be with you
if you wanna be with me
crashing like a tidal wave
and i don't wanna be
stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded
but I can only take so much
these tears are turning me to rust
I know, you're waiting there for me
to come back
I'm too afraid to show
I miss you
I need you
without you i'm stronger
I love you
so come back, i'm not afraid to show...
Tuesday, June 18, 2002
Hippocrates
"I swear by Apollo by Physician, by Asclepius, by health by Panacea and by all the gods and goddesses, making them my witnesses, that I will carry out, according to my ability and judgment, this oath and this indenture. To hold my teacher in this art equal to my own parents; to make him partner in my livelihood, when he is in need of money to share mine with him; to consider his family as my own brothers, and to teach them this art, if they indenture; to impart precept, oral instruction, and all other instruction to my own sons, the sons of my teacher, and to indentured pupils who have taken the Physician's oath, but to nobody else. I will use treatment to help the sick according to my ability and judgment, but never with a view to injury and wrongdoing. Neither will I administer a poison to anybody when asked to do so, nor will I suggest such a course. Similarly I will not give to a woman a peccary to cause abortion. But I will keep pure and holy both my life and my art. I will not use the knife, not even, verily, on sufferers from stone, but I will give place to such as are craftsmen therein. Into whatsoever houses I enter, I will enter to help the sick, and I will abstain from all intentional wrong-doing and harm, especially from abusing the bodies of man or woman, bond or free. And whatsoever I shall see or hear in my intercourse with men, if it be what should not be published abroad, I will never divulge, holding such things to be holy secrets. Now if I carry out this oath, and break it not, may I gain forever reputation among all men for my life and for my art, but if I transgress it and foreswear myself, may the opposite befall me."
"I swear by Apollo by Physician, by Asclepius, by health by Panacea and by all the gods and goddesses, making them my witnesses, that I will carry out, according to my ability and judgment, this oath and this indenture. To hold my teacher in this art equal to my own parents; to make him partner in my livelihood, when he is in need of money to share mine with him; to consider his family as my own brothers, and to teach them this art, if they indenture; to impart precept, oral instruction, and all other instruction to my own sons, the sons of my teacher, and to indentured pupils who have taken the Physician's oath, but to nobody else. I will use treatment to help the sick according to my ability and judgment, but never with a view to injury and wrongdoing. Neither will I administer a poison to anybody when asked to do so, nor will I suggest such a course. Similarly I will not give to a woman a peccary to cause abortion. But I will keep pure and holy both my life and my art. I will not use the knife, not even, verily, on sufferers from stone, but I will give place to such as are craftsmen therein. Into whatsoever houses I enter, I will enter to help the sick, and I will abstain from all intentional wrong-doing and harm, especially from abusing the bodies of man or woman, bond or free. And whatsoever I shall see or hear in my intercourse with men, if it be what should not be published abroad, I will never divulge, holding such things to be holy secrets. Now if I carry out this oath, and break it not, may I gain forever reputation among all men for my life and for my art, but if I transgress it and foreswear myself, may the opposite befall me."
Monday, June 17, 2002
my story
this is my story.
it started the day i was born
when there was still Sin in the world
Sin is still present today
listen my story
for this may be the last chance ...
i've been searching for a missing person all my life
to understand him better
be his good buddy in times of need
this person, this friend
has the many faces of a chameleon
he laughs and cries
sulks and frowns
loves and hates
he isn't well liked by his other friends though
some think him eccentric
while others plainly, cocky
but no one would understand him better than me
he has since left with the door open
the only memory of him is my sole self alone
is there really hope of finding him back?
but what is hope in the first place...
isn't it an illusion for us to look forward to in tragic times and prove futile in the end?
hope is to comfort isn't it
it is false hope incognito.
this is my story...but i will find my own ending
this is my story.
it started the day i was born
when there was still Sin in the world
Sin is still present today
listen my story
for this may be the last chance ...
i've been searching for a missing person all my life
to understand him better
be his good buddy in times of need
this person, this friend
has the many faces of a chameleon
he laughs and cries
sulks and frowns
loves and hates
he isn't well liked by his other friends though
some think him eccentric
while others plainly, cocky
but no one would understand him better than me
he has since left with the door open
the only memory of him is my sole self alone
is there really hope of finding him back?
but what is hope in the first place...
isn't it an illusion for us to look forward to in tragic times and prove futile in the end?
hope is to comfort isn't it
it is false hope incognito.
this is my story...but i will find my own ending
Saturday, June 15, 2002
melecholy
it's me again. just got back from a friend's place
i was suppossed to help him out with his com stuff but being the infidel
i failed once more
it's no big deal to fail but being who i am
i feel real pissed about it.
false hope wrecks tue heart we know
but how often do we really bother to disallw it to occur.
isn't it ironic
the standards placed by society all seem so politically correct
yet we do not bother about others feelings
the beggar on the street deserves our pity
but how often do we think otherwise
that maybe he got his fingers burnt in the green back
or the evils he'd committed in his life
another day another time
time is just a waste of time
caught in endless spiral
a cycle of life
it never ends , it never starts
it's me again. just got back from a friend's place
i was suppossed to help him out with his com stuff but being the infidel
i failed once more
it's no big deal to fail but being who i am
i feel real pissed about it.
false hope wrecks tue heart we know
but how often do we really bother to disallw it to occur.
isn't it ironic
the standards placed by society all seem so politically correct
yet we do not bother about others feelings
the beggar on the street deserves our pity
but how often do we think otherwise
that maybe he got his fingers burnt in the green back
or the evils he'd committed in his life
another day another time
time is just a waste of time
caught in endless spiral
a cycle of life
it never ends , it never starts
Friday, June 14, 2002
terminal velocity
it's 2.58am...well according to my computer clock and i've just stopped playing ffx
i could have gone deeper into the game..but due to a car accident which i went to check out,
i figured i had to put myself in bed by 3.15am
the car which crashed was a cool black volkswagon golf.
urprisingly, most of the car was intact except for the left frontal end of the car which bent a traffic light as a result of the accident
not bad for a china made car you say?
cool.
anyway..it was really predictable..
imagine this:
you're playing ffx and at mt Gagazet trying to acquire Yojimbo when u hear the sound of fast accelaration from a bin center 200 metres away from your home
and then u expect the screeching of tyres
it comes
and then...you wait for the sound of crushed metal
you wait..and wait...
and surprisingly....it comes!
i'm not trying to be a sadist or evil person here...but face the facts....accidents are inevitable in life right
the guy was alright..he seemed shaken though (DUH)
and it was clear that he wasn't drinking.
then why the accident?
well life's a bitch and then you die
some damn thing always happens at the rightfully wrong time
it's 2.58am...well according to my computer clock and i've just stopped playing ffx
i could have gone deeper into the game..but due to a car accident which i went to check out,
i figured i had to put myself in bed by 3.15am
the car which crashed was a cool black volkswagon golf.
urprisingly, most of the car was intact except for the left frontal end of the car which bent a traffic light as a result of the accident
not bad for a china made car you say?
cool.
anyway..it was really predictable..
imagine this:
you're playing ffx and at mt Gagazet trying to acquire Yojimbo when u hear the sound of fast accelaration from a bin center 200 metres away from your home
and then u expect the screeching of tyres
it comes
and then...you wait for the sound of crushed metal
you wait..and wait...
and surprisingly....it comes!
i'm not trying to be a sadist or evil person here...but face the facts....accidents are inevitable in life right
the guy was alright..he seemed shaken though (DUH)
and it was clear that he wasn't drinking.
then why the accident?
well life's a bitch and then you die
some damn thing always happens at the rightfully wrong time
Tuesday, June 11, 2002
isnt't it beautiful ?
(My) heart is swimming in words
formed by the wind.
(My) voice carried
by a cloudy tommorrow.
A mirror moved
by the moon, trembled my heart.
Soft tears
filled with a stream of stars.
Isn't it beautiful?
Two of us walking hand in hand.
I want to go to
your town, your home, your arms.
I dream of lying
against your chest.
My body in your clasp,
disappearring into the evening.
Words stopped by the wind
are a gentle illsion.
A cloud-torned tommorrow is
a far-away voice.
My heart has been
in a moon-blocked flowing
mirror.
Stars that swayed and flowed
can't hide my tears.
Isn't it beautiful?
Two of us walking hand in hand.
I want to go to
your town, your home, your arms.
I dream of your face
that softly melts in the
morning.
(My) heart is swimming in words
formed by the wind.
(My) voice carried
by a cloudy tommorrow.
A mirror moved
by the moon, trembled my heart.
Soft tears
filled with a stream of stars.
Isn't it beautiful?
Two of us walking hand in hand.
I want to go to
your town, your home, your arms.
I dream of lying
against your chest.
My body in your clasp,
disappearring into the evening.
Words stopped by the wind
are a gentle illsion.
A cloud-torned tommorrow is
a far-away voice.
My heart has been
in a moon-blocked flowing
mirror.
Stars that swayed and flowed
can't hide my tears.
Isn't it beautiful?
Two of us walking hand in hand.
I want to go to
your town, your home, your arms.
I dream of your face
that softly melts in the
morning.
that very existence
ffx has surely spoilt my brain.
this time the story is based on a group of helpless humans wanting to kill "Sin"
the sole enemy which has been terrorizing mankind for many years
everytime they kill Sin, it get's reborn. if that is the case
what is the very use of trying.
anyway like all ff games it has questioned existence.
what is our very existence on this earth for
were we put here for a purpose ...
or do we shout and scream to emphasize our existence which would fail to exist at any moment?
how are destiny,fate,chance , life,death,existence related
do any of the above really exist?
i am still searching.
but the more i search, the more messed up it becomes.
so why search...
ffx has surely spoilt my brain.
this time the story is based on a group of helpless humans wanting to kill "Sin"
the sole enemy which has been terrorizing mankind for many years
everytime they kill Sin, it get's reborn. if that is the case
what is the very use of trying.
anyway like all ff games it has questioned existence.
what is our very existence on this earth for
were we put here for a purpose ...
or do we shout and scream to emphasize our existence which would fail to exist at any moment?
how are destiny,fate,chance , life,death,existence related
do any of the above really exist?
i am still searching.
but the more i search, the more messed up it becomes.
so why search...
Friday, June 07, 2002
morning night
i hate the day today. was woken up at 7.30am by my dad and blinded by the sun
i wonder when my dad would fix the damn venetian blinds.
i feel so damn sleepy now. thankfully it's friday and i'll only have to work for haf a day tomorrow. act. i don't .
i just figured that tomorrow's salary is easy money.
amias will be gone for 4 days and i'll be all alone in the world of ffx with no one to seek advice from
in a way it's cool as my companion has always been loneliness
i hate the day today. was woken up at 7.30am by my dad and blinded by the sun
i wonder when my dad would fix the damn venetian blinds.
i feel so damn sleepy now. thankfully it's friday and i'll only have to work for haf a day tomorrow. act. i don't .
i just figured that tomorrow's salary is easy money.
amias will be gone for 4 days and i'll be all alone in the world of ffx with no one to seek advice from
in a way it's cool as my companion has always been loneliness
Thursday, June 06, 2002
jaded
i've just to fic again. i've decided to fic regulary from now on now that i have a not-so-impressively-funcational website and blog, I still have to get my butt on the comment system thingy. there's just so much shit to do...but no time to do it.damn. holidays were usually taken granted by me but now that i am working, time is just so precious. i have barely time to do my own stuff--johnny's stuff. also been in pms mode recently i don't know why also. it's all about everything: friends, family, love,hate,disappointment,false hope,delusions,fantasies,dreams,horror and bitter reality. it's all about the world,people,goo vs evil , morals,obligations etc.
i hate this earth. i hate this world.
seriously.
i think i am sufferring from mood swings.
spat.
i've just to fic again. i've decided to fic regulary from now on now that i have a not-so-impressively-funcational website and blog, I still have to get my butt on the comment system thingy. there's just so much shit to do...but no time to do it.damn. holidays were usually taken granted by me but now that i am working, time is just so precious. i have barely time to do my own stuff--johnny's stuff. also been in pms mode recently i don't know why also. it's all about everything: friends, family, love,hate,disappointment,false hope,delusions,fantasies,dreams,horror and bitter reality. it's all about the world,people,goo vs evil , morals,obligations etc.
i hate this earth. i hate this world.
seriously.
i think i am sufferring from mood swings.
spat.
Tuesday, June 04, 2002
peace
sitting right here in a half empty office,
i can't help but feel at peace.
this temporal solace i so wanted to have
will be in no time shattered
when everyone comes back from lunch.....
i've got an hour and a half before i look up my supervisor
and boy am i bored
after finishing a few servlets
i can't help but feel slack
after all, i've earned them.
nie's a wonderful place
sadly it's so far away from home
the view from here is quite cool to hate too
anyway...it's time to stop crapping.
where is your peace today?
sitting right here in a half empty office,
i can't help but feel at peace.
this temporal solace i so wanted to have
will be in no time shattered
when everyone comes back from lunch.....
i've got an hour and a half before i look up my supervisor
and boy am i bored
after finishing a few servlets
i can't help but feel slack
after all, i've earned them.
nie's a wonderful place
sadly it's so far away from home
the view from here is quite cool to hate too
anyway...it's time to stop crapping.
where is your peace today?
Monday, June 03, 2002
she thought everything was ok
when she turned and walked away
"i'll be fine" was the stereotyped consolation which she received
but in reality
he was not
"it's ok, it's alright, i'm for anything"
blared his famous words everytime
they needed to be known to her
she continued day after day
and he time after time
knowing that true love would allow
for such as these
his body lay cold
invisibly shivering
the life in it has lost meaning
bloodstains and valium accompanied it
not forgetting the dame it so much befit
"it's ok, it's alright, i'm for anything"
the words a-ringing in her ears
negligence is accompanied by a heavy price
even men will be reduced to mice
she thought everything was ok
when she turned towards and walk away
"i'll be fine" was the stereotyped consolation which she received
but in reality
he was not
throbbing pain
had a nip by a shrew
light years before morning dew
mindless people walk me by
oblivious to my silent cry
evil begets evil in this time of day
benovelance is considered hay
why does pain and suffering exist
when the slashing and killing still persists
heartless minds and mindless hearts
always fail to make me start
sin is a common sight to me
my pious joy it tries to rob
in my midst of pain and
hour of disdain
the throbbing pain
it grants me solace
somehow or other
something clicked.
had a nip by a shrew
light years before morning dew
mindless people walk me by
oblivious to my silent cry
evil begets evil in this time of day
benovelance is considered hay
why does pain and suffering exist
when the slashing and killing still persists
heartless minds and mindless hearts
always fail to make me start
sin is a common sight to me
my pious joy it tries to rob
in my midst of pain and
hour of disdain
the throbbing pain
it grants me solace
somehow or other
something clicked.
Friday, May 31, 2002
it's a contradictory day today
my project for attachment is almost done except for more finetuning ---good
i got back my examination results..they weren't too bad----good
i hit a car during parking.---bad
my friend got dismissed from np--bad
funny how often we want the happy times to last while they still are
funny how it doesn't seem that way
funny how one thing can bring u so much joy
only to lead to another sorry
funny how when times are bad we manage to pull through by biting our lips
only to become complacent when we've reached utopia
funny how friends seem so dear to you
that they fall due to your negligence
funny how we can feign innocence
only to experience silent grief in our hearts
funny how nice guys finish last
while the bad guys never die
funny how i can type this out
when my mind is at a total loss
Thursday, May 30, 2002
Tuesday, May 28, 2002
i just created a webpage for myself today
finally after so many days,months of saying "i will get my page done" to myself has been fulfilled
somehow or other i had to do it not because i have to...but i need to
imagine working mon-sat 8.30-5.30 everyday?!!?
it's not the working hours..well..not entirely BUT what do i get at the end of the month?
pay and...? face the facts..your holidays are actualky wasted on working
anyway, i also completed ff9 today -- > that's somehting to brag about to those people only concerned with vtp and wrk haha!
kk crapping too much already...my boss will be out the whole week this week
WOOHOOO!
trash
Tuesday, May 21, 2002
I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die
To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache
Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow
To love you - take my worlds apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my worlds apart
To need you - broken on my knees
All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me
Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Cause what I need and what I believe are worlds
apart
And I pray...
To love you- take my worlds apart
To need you- I am on my knees
To love you- take my worlds apart
To need you- broken on my knees
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my worlds apart, take my worlds apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my worlds apart
Friday, May 10, 2002
5th day of attachment
i still have to work on saturdays..not that i ahve to but want to.
the project's a rather small scale one..but being completely new to servlets and JSP,
it has become a rather big one (to me at least)
i've got nothing to do again...well at the moment
but maybe i'll start thinking about the web interface in about 1/2 hr's time from now..
i still have to work on saturdays..not that i ahve to but want to.
the project's a rather small scale one..but being completely new to servlets and JSP,
it has become a rather big one (to me at least)
i've got nothing to do again...well at the moment
but maybe i'll start thinking about the web interface in about 1/2 hr's time from now..
Tuesday, May 07, 2002
Saturday, May 04, 2002
Tuesday, April 30, 2002
Thursday, April 25, 2002
Tuesday, April 23, 2002
Sunday, April 21, 2002
Friday, April 19, 2002
Thursday, April 18, 2002
here i stand alone
with this weight upon my heart
and it's screwing my stomach up
the day i've been waiting for is here
probably one of the biggest days of a teenager
55 days ago i failed my tp
and 55 days later i am attempting it for teh second time
i really hope that i would pass
if not it would really suck
not cos of the failure
not cos of the money
but more for the waiting period
there will only be 2 types of me
the me in benovelance
the me in malovelance
all to be decided in 11 hours to come
....
Grand Retour....is commencing.
with this weight upon my heart
and it's screwing my stomach up
the day i've been waiting for is here
probably one of the biggest days of a teenager
55 days ago i failed my tp
and 55 days later i am attempting it for teh second time
i really hope that i would pass
if not it would really suck
not cos of the failure
not cos of the money
but more for the waiting period
there will only be 2 types of me
the me in benovelance
the me in malovelance
all to be decided in 11 hours to come
....
Grand Retour....is commencing.
Tuesday, April 16, 2002
Thursday, April 04, 2002
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