noise

strolled with myself one fine day
to margaret street
in hope and prayerful promise
of a productive day in school
and be greeted by wonderful noise

noise which pisses you off
and within seconds i am back in hell
with ranting demons surrounding me
a gnome complained of not having enough sleep last night
while an elf listened intently
a leper gnome shouted across the labyrinth
in utter foolish joy

and so half the day is wasted,
listening to all these noise
how much more shall i waste
before i see the light of night.

words

says let
a sordidgirl friend
as mad like me was
though beneath flooding blood

never play this behind time
they think it is delirious
i need not sit neat death
and smell her hair

put on some black love
soar over a lake of
void chains
water and rain
bitter like red beauth

your shadow must always
have a place for you

together these delicate dreams
will take power
from my sleep.

overheard on MSN


NF: ivalice expire liao?
V: yeah thu. my internet was suppossed to be cut 32 mins ago but dunno why still got
NF: cos they r sleeping? no. i think they r raiding thats why.
V: ......

still surviving

and so here i am once again
sitting in front of my
window to the world.
typing thinking wondering
how i managed to survive my confirmation.
i did.
but right now i don't know wtf am i suppossed to do.
will i live like this forever?
sleepwalk through my life's endeavour
looking back, the burning question of
"did you make the right choice in choosing research" has been
haunting me.
as much as i would like ot say "no" it has somehow
witheld me from saying yes either
because seriously,
i have never thought about so much shit in my life.
but then again thoughts will be thoughts
and the only time when you can live your dream
is to wake up from it.

Raison D’être

ahh, traversing over many nights
frozen dreams and fading tears
warm me warm me me wrap me!
i hate this body
that can't love anymore
i don't see the end no matter how far i walk
dragging along the memories of the past
what colour will this body be tainted by?
i search for that answer

on dying

what do you do when you need help and
no one is around or able to help you?

you just die. and die and keep on dying until you can no longer die.
and if you're lucky, maybe you'll just end up in hell.
if not,
you just continue to die and die and die until you reach some kind of closure.

one just for the motions

it's been a while since i last filed an entry. well its probably nothing significant has been happenning in this boring life of mine. or rather, nothing that i feel significant has happened so far. well for starters, i'm still in my course despite having lost all "could have beens" in it. apathy i guess. its the new hate without much of the hoostility. oh well. gijas renewed my WoW account. thus pulling me deeper into my already lackadaisical lifestyle. i can just spend days awake without doing any shit and sti wonder why how the day passed. he time here has been voodooed i guess.

winter is over. spring is here. more daylight and more heat. my only favourite season is winter i guess. short days and longer nights. adds to the sense of urgency when the sky gets dark. nowadays the sun-rise timings aren't that sickening yet..probably from 5.45am? but it soon will be disgusting and it will be as bright as fuck in late spring i guess.

went to ekka this year and it's as boring as shit. cant imagine how they can not have a little bit of change in their lives. the showbags were the same except maybe for a few minor changes? add a sticker in showbag a and rename it to a1; throw in a lollipopp for showbag b this year and rename it showbag b2...it's easier to figure out compared to preschool maths. the only educational thing i learnt there was the making of honey, honeycombs beeswax etc. other that that it was just another trip to the science centre. jess didn't spend much this year which is kinda gd compared to the number of showbags we bought last yr. she recently told me "i don't want to read cosmopolitin" anymore..because she feels retarded after reading the unnecassary shit in it or "things which i don't need to know". mus have been hard on her having to downgrade from cleo to cosmo...sigh

you know what, this sucks. i'm going to watch claymore now. blood in the morning, helps global warming.

The world spins madly on

i woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on
Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

-the weepies

downloading

V: eh now cannot download videos in sg ah
R: can but preferably not anime n mp3 n movies
V: wtf! then wat cna we download? air ah.
R: Surf net lor
V: i don;t need a cable connection to surf the net. a 14.4kbps modem is enough
R: that's life.
V: its like giving me toilet paper without allowing me to wipe my ass.

emortified

amias came over to visit last thursday. for 3 days and 2 nights apparantely before heading off to sydney. it was pretty refreshing getting to see him again and somehow the shittiness of life just went away. but as life always has it, i was unable to spend the expected quality time with him as i had a last minute meeting which messed up our plans. somehow i felt really bad being unable to bring him to my usual haunts because of the shortage fo time. he even had to forgo his whale watching trip cos of heavy winds (and he had to travel all by himself down to the gold coast). and so we showed him brisbane to the best of our ability before sending him off. Davian and his 2 other friends came over the next evening on sunday and of course, it was refreshing to meet someone i knew again. his friends were pretty alright too. and again we hung out in the city (we could have gone to further places but the car was too small) and they had to leave the evening after.

one thing i found out though. after amias and davian left, i felt shitty again and the question of memories came back to my mind. is having 1 minute of a happy memory more worth it than a year of hell? because when you are in hell, thinking of that happy memory is enough to make you feel like shit. because you had and experienced that happy memory but know you can never get it back. i think i would rather not have that memory. because hell is hell and no matter what you do it will still be hell. the aftermath really sucks. and now i understand how cold my house is.

the sun took my light away
it even took away the shape of the moon
tomorrow never comes until it's too late

The Song of Despair

The memory of you emerges from the night around me.The river mingles in its stubborn lament with the sea.Deserted like the wharves at dawn.It is the hour of departure, oh deserted one!Cold flower heads are raining in my heart.Oh pit of debris, fierce cave of the shipwrecked.In you the wars and the flights accumulatedFrom you the wings of the song birds rose.You swallowed everything, like distance.Like the sea, like time. In you everything sank!It was the happy hour of assault and the kiss.The hour of the spell that blazed like a lighthouse.Pilot�s dread, fury of a blind driver,turbulent drunkenness of love, in you everything sank.In the childhood of mist my soul, winged and wounded.Lost discoverer, in you everything sank!You girdled sorrow, you clung to desire,sadness stunned you, in you everything sank! I made the wall of shadow draw back,beyond desire and act, I walked on.Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman that I loved and lost,I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you.Like a jar you housed the infinite tendernessand the infinite oblivion shattered you like a jar.There was the black solitude of the islands,and there, woman of love, your arms took me in.There were thirst and hunger, and you were the fruit.There were grief and ruins, and you were the miracle.Ah woman, I do not know how you could contain mein the earth of your soul, in the cross of your arms!How horrible and brief was my desire of you!How difficult and drunken, how tensed and avid.Cemetery of kisses, there is still fire in your tombs,still the fruited boughs burn, pecked at by birds.Oh the bitter mouth, oh the kissed limbs,oh the hungering teeth, oh the entwined bodies.Oh the mad coupling of hope and forcein which we merged and despaired.And the tenderness, light as water and as flour.And the word scarcely begun on the lips.This was my destiny and in it was the voyage of my longing,and in it my longing fell, in you everything sank.Oh pit of debris, everything fell into you,what sorrow did you not express, in what sorrow are you not drowned!From billow to billow you still called and sang.Standing like a sailor on the prow of the vessel.You still flowered in songs, you still broke in currents.Oh pit of debris, open and bitter well.Pale blind diver, luckless slinger,lost discoverer, in you everything sank!It is the hour of departure, the hard cold hourin which the night fastens to all timetables.The rustling belt of the sea girdles the shore.Cold stars heave up, black birds migrate.Deserted like the wharves at dawn.Only the tremulous shadow twists in my hands.Oh farther than everything. Oh farther than everything.It is the hour of departure. Oh abandoned one!

-Pablo Neruda

whatever ...bitch

why is it that everyday
some damn thing always happens?

this blog is starting to be a bitchblog
and maybe one fine day i'll be able to
bind it up into a legendary bitchbook
to commemorate like what?
15 years of bitching?
it can't be 24. cos i only recall bitching in 2002

my bio clock's messed up again.
i think it's the night naps i've been taking from 8pm-10pm
and with that comes the ever sweet degradation of my soul
heaetburn, ennui, disdain, apathy, chills, gastric pains
not forgetting the fucking sun which rises at 5am daily.
ok 6++ now that it's winter.
disgusting.
we all live in a beautiful world

ooooh one tree hill just ended this week
and its coming back for a 5th season.
now how the hell did it surpass The O.C

the winter of my discontent

as i wade in the waters of uncertainty
my mind questions itself
on the maybes and whatifs
which i carelessly left behind without contemplating
their posibilites
would i be in a different light from now?
clearer skies or visions of fire
somehow something isn't right here
but holding on seems harder by the day
the wise men tell me that things will work out
but i somehow don't feel so
the changing oracles seem to make the
days bleed themselves
and it has been 4 bleeding months

this

looking back at the last time from where i stood
i have not moved an inch but learnt of this

this sickness in me to escape
this irony of life
this role-reversal
this weakness
this vengeful hate
this disappointment
this sadness
this lie.

darkness

does this darkness have a name
this cruelty this hathred
how did it find us
did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it?
what happened to us
that we now despise our neighbours and everyone around us who are
playing the game
hoping to find sweet redemption of our souls if we didn't change
but knowing that somehow we would succumb to it along the way
when did we lose our way
consumed by the shadows
swallowed whole by the darkness
engulfed by this pain
does this darkness have a name
is it your name

what's you're happiest moment in life?

being born.
and looked down upon.

losing myself

i can't help but think these days
sleepless nights in endless dreams
of what the world is and was to be
black and white makes it all grey
and the greyer it gets it fades away
looking all around me theres joy
yet sadness seems to be following behind
pieces of cyberspace bits of bytes
they all seem to have a relation
but what?
sometimes i wonder why am i here
the mere existence seems like a joke

what is the true nature of life
and what has it got to do with me

and life sucks on

3 weeks on back into the land of slow.
everything's fine the sun rises at 5 and my heart beats at half the rate it used to
i've finally gotten a roof over my head (thank God)
(and thank aunty mel and darren and gwen too
you made your place a shelter for the homeless haha)
without the luxury of internet.
forget luxury
i fucking need it.
cos without the internet
i am as good as lost in the woods

my house pretty swanky
although hot water still comes out whenever i turn ont eh "cold water" tap
i wonder if its a built in intelligent feature for the smart state
or was it merely a by-product of a dash of creativity gained from eating potatoes?

will bitch more when my Internet is up
in the meantime, i'm still alive. and bitching

finding emo

as the day draws near i can't help but feel emo abt it
going back to the land of slow internet speeds with capped bandwidth
and even though i'll probably miss friends and family, it would not be so bad if i had
been given better internet connectivity

as i go around the land gathering stuff for my departure i can't help but think "this is probably the last time i see this place until a year later" or "this is probably the last time i'll eat this until a year later" and though i will come back eventually, it'll not be as much as the close-to-3 month break which i have been enjoying since dec 06 till now. like they said all good things must come to an end

oh well. in the weeks to come i expect life to be pretty fucked up again, house-hunting, new-friends making, getting acclimatised back to the aussie way of life. thinking about it just makes me feel like a hypocrite. not to mention the challenges and shit that await me through the voyage of research.
thing's like "am i good enough, am i worthy , can i pull it off" keep ringing in my head and even as i pack, i'm wondering if i'm packing the right stuff. too many shirts? too many crew neck tees? how should a research student dress like? definetly not the way i dressed when i did my bachelor's (which was btw t-shirt berms and slippers) looking back i've been such a punk but who cares? it's australia anyway.

while i'm at this emo stage of shit i'd like to thank all the friends who have stuck by me while i was away the past year as well as those kind enough to come out and play while i was back. the pnsd guys especially, i really enjoyed the birthday sessions as well as the farewell meetup which we had yesterday. and not forgetting dennis the kok who didn't want anyone to know he was flying off cos he was afraid that he would cry, maybe, just maybe i would visit him during easter..plans are not that concrete yet.

I probably won't be meeting any of you guys anytime soon which brings me back to the "this is probably the last time i do something" shit. well at least we still can talk cock on msn or via my digital line. all the best and stay drunk.

remember. life sucks. take drugs.

back to packing!

cny 2007

time has passed me once more and i'm 1 week away from heading back to oz.
back to expensive meals
shops which close at 5
really spastic transport system
and slow internet

in the mean time:

xin nian kuai le,gong xi fa cai, wan shi ru yi, nian nian you yu, long ma jing shen,cai qi gun gun.

we all know we say this year in year out just for the sake of saying them. and i am too.

empty words mean nothing

the only words which i would really want to say to you guys are:
hope you get more red packet money and:

go hug a tree. it helps

may it be so

after 3 weeks of half-fuck grinding, ivalice has hit lvl 70. and the feeling of having a loss of what to do next hits me once more.
it's kind of mindless to be playing wow, oweing to the fact that i definetly won't commit to it fully because my attention span for things is so limited. yet somehow while grinding i felt the need to hit 70. why. call it an achievement; call it a need; call it a want cos' i don't really know how to define such shit again.

same goes to life. what happens after you've achieved something? you go on to bigger better things to achieve? for fuck man in the end we still die? so what if you're earning more money? most people i see around have so much money but they can't really enjoy it. strange fellas

and with only 3 weeks left before i head back to oz...life doesn't seem so happy anymore....cos i won't be able to get 24hr food /entertainment

may it be so.

When our time is up
When our lives are done
Will we say we've had our fun?
Will we make our mark this time?
Will we always say we tried?

faces

"because you'll have a shit time. and i'll have a shit time. but it doesn't matter if i'm having a shit time because they're my f-r-i-e-n-d-s, for better or worse. so every now and then i have to grit my teeth for having a shit time for the greater good"

look around you. and all you see are people the world would be better off without.

rain

rain. the only phenomenon in the sky which relates to us in every way.
and keeps my inner senses at ease.
recently it's been raining due to the north east monsoon.
probably my favourite time of the year after christmas
why? cos i just like it.
i don't give a shit if the world floods and drowns i hope it'll just keep on raining.
the sound of rain is able to soothe one to a lull and if you you're really bored, you can try running in it. it'll definetly wake up your idea
being in brisbane kind of deprived me of rain because it is better known as the "sunshine state" but at least it isn't humid there. oh well
there's a balance in this world all the same.

so far this year hasn't really started off on a good note, but i'm just giving it the benefit of the doubt that it IS still 2006 in the chinese lunar calendar and its just the end of the year that's messing me up. the near brushes of death on the roads and disgusting friends whom i deemed were friends merely disappointed me. well i do remember things and just like a nail that has been hammered into the fence and removed,

the mark still remains.

rain on.

and i am not talking abt the gay looking actor

the nu year

the hard cold rain beats down
relieving the inner senses in me
the dreams long gone have returned to haunting me
ominous phantoms of a life once led
somehow things do not seem to look up
in this new year
of a suppossedly fresh start

by virtue of death or through redemption
i hope i will be able to follow through