realisation.

Shakespeare once wrote:

There is a tide in the affairs of men.
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures.

i wondered if i missed my tide. suddenly all those months of sleepwalking through my life's endeavour have paid off. I've got less than a month to my oral presentaion and my thesis is to be submitted a month after. somehow a part of me believes that i can pull off this stunt of creating a thesis of sufficient value within such a short period, whereas another part of me says that i am truly dead. so many things are hitting me right now, the masters, housing, the future. is my life as a student finally over? it kind of grieves me and i don't know why (actually i do it just seemed so cliche to add it in). they say you won't know how much something means to you until you lose it. how divinely true that is. no use crying now i guess. when a dog is desperate, it can jump over the wall. i guess my time is up, this is probably the part in a student's life where he realises there is just so much work to do that there is nothing else to do.

maybe i'll catch the next tide. after all, it comes in intervals of 12 hours.
SPARTANS! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty.
For tonight. WE DINE IN HELL

i write sins, not tragedies

the sins of m transgressions have
finally caught up with me
the time is
now
now
nOW.

melancholic

the beauty of words
and splendour of thoughts
what could have been
what might have been
impression upon impression
just a mere impressions
perceptions, conjured up by
melecholic feelings
wanting to release wanting to escape
but alas, like dreams
life goes on
irregardless of feelings.

famous last words

"i'm not ready yet"
"i won't be gone a minute"
"i'll do it later"
"i feel so tired right now"
"after this nap"
"sian ahhhh"
"i've got no inspiration"
"maybe tomorrow"

self disappointment (again!)

very smart jonathan.
you spent the whole night with the initial intention of doing research and ended up reading blogs and doing other non-research stuff on the Internet.
Now the sky's turning to light and you haven't slept.
well done.

waking up.

referring to my previous post; after sitting at my desk for approximately 15 minutes.

i think i have to fucking wake up my idea right now.

so much have been said
so little done.
the price has been paid
but nothing's been won.

somehow or other i don't know why the hell am i so restless.
maybe the lights went out after the first 3 months
maybe i saw the aimlessness of it all
but why did i hold on? and continue to do so
for love for hope for glory or soul
either one i have not behold.

without passion we would all truly be dead.
but can we force passion to revive
like a pheonix in the sky
arising from its ashes?
an optimist always looks at the pheonix in that majestic light
but have they ever wondered that it has been cursed with the process
of repetition.
dying and arising till the end of time

the emerald dream

its been yet a while since i last updated my blog.
somehow blogging seems to have lost all meaning to me
penning down ponders and bitching seems to have taken its toll on my
yet already demented mind
May is finally here and hell, its 5 months more till my thesis submission
And i have done jack squat
well done johnny
although somehow there is this voice in me which tells me that
everything would be alright in the end
i somehow sense that deep shit will come flooding my way.
deadline after deadline seems to pass me by
which moron told me that "as a postgraduate you will never have to chase deadlines"
he probably majored in marketing i guess.
am i in oblivion
or have i gone numb

what if i

in this distant land on this distant day
thoughts of homecoming seem to fade away
sleeping within boarded walls
life seems to be so apt
made of empty and hollow halls
ghosting thru life so aimlessly
goal in mind but flesh behind
what utter dismay is the spirit within
is greatness that hard to hold
and kindess so hard to bear
sanity is but just a word
and deadlines such a reality
what is the value of success
and success of having value
in this world of grey this day
i would be better off with
artificial intelligence

hands of time

it's been a while since i last had such a night
alone in the study, lights out with the iridescent glow of pixels on my skin
after being back for 4 weeks it is only at this moment where that sense of familiarity returns to me
somehow so much has changed over the span of 10 months that it's really hard to swallow it all
people change i guess, moral values, opinions and lifestyles
and sometimes holding on to the past doesn't seem to aid in anything at all
i can't help but be sad.
tirisfal cries for me.

on a lighter note 2008 has started off pretty well; i hope it stays that way although looking back, i seriously do not feel that i have grown. i should be worrying indeed. i guess it's a motivation issue after all. it's depressing really with only 10 days left.

once upon a time
i had half the mind
to ease their miseries
until that day i died
i have always tried
to stand on the bright side
i can see now
why people eat and die alone
living souls which
were never whole
it's all about lifestream.

welcome to the new world

it's been ages since i last made a entry..so this will probably be an uber epic post of to kick of the nu year. hmm lets see. i stopped at 16 Nov. Lotsa shit went by since then. like.. i got a new pet..maxy so there's like 2 of them right now. amazing how i can't remember what else happened. oh there was a conference which i attended which further made me sympathise with the state of the world. Towards Christmas there was this 36 hr long extended shopping hours at chermside shopping centre where for the first time in my life i actually saw life outside the usual sleeping hours of Australia. it was a powerful revelation indeed. After that it was back to Singapore to spend the actual Christmas. But, as usual i had to meet retards... this time in the plane when the person sitting in front of me had to recline his seat to the max to piss me off. not forgetting the customs who made me fill up 4 ziplock bags with fish oil capsules....i personally felt that the instructions werent clear, they said no liquids or gels. but didn't say gels in medication or supplements. anyway i thought medication was allowed? what aout creams? Are they considered gels as well or are they just creams? they arent really liquid ..semi solid. they ought to be more specific and include more retard-proof incidents from happenning. i'm a retard yeah. so explain to me. sadness. well i landed on the night of 21st dec and had to immediately rush back home, separate some gifts and head down to tras street to meet the NS guys for a quick Christmas gift exchange. by that time someone had already got wasted and was lying on the couch...i'm sorry i took 2 mins to recognise who he was whahaha but anyways, it was great seeing them after 10 mths of isolation down under. Christmas also came and went like nothing last year... it's quite depressing really...cos after waiting for 364 days all i got was a a crappy family dinner and another less crappy dinner at my uncle's new place. lotsa shit had happened to everyone this year...mos tof them too depressing to even remember. so that was it..Christmas gone in 2 days. wtf. memories. are they worth keeping when there is an impending possibility of new memories being formed being disappointing? what have we become now. junkies of temporal pleasures or self indulgement so much that we have lost our soul?

2007 was a shit year for me. hopefully 2008 would be kind-er and piss me off less. although 2007 was a fucked up year, it did give me some new found friends. but then again nothin lasts forever. looking back, i feel that i have not grown one bit last year. which is kinda pathetic knowing that i have wasted a year doing squat and wading in oblivion.

may 2008 be legendary then. may it be so.

noise

strolled with myself one fine day
to margaret street
in hope and prayerful promise
of a productive day in school
and be greeted by wonderful noise

noise which pisses you off
and within seconds i am back in hell
with ranting demons surrounding me
a gnome complained of not having enough sleep last night
while an elf listened intently
a leper gnome shouted across the labyrinth
in utter foolish joy

and so half the day is wasted,
listening to all these noise
how much more shall i waste
before i see the light of night.

words

says let
a sordidgirl friend
as mad like me was
though beneath flooding blood

never play this behind time
they think it is delirious
i need not sit neat death
and smell her hair

put on some black love
soar over a lake of
void chains
water and rain
bitter like red beauth

your shadow must always
have a place for you

together these delicate dreams
will take power
from my sleep.

overheard on MSN


NF: ivalice expire liao?
V: yeah thu. my internet was suppossed to be cut 32 mins ago but dunno why still got
NF: cos they r sleeping? no. i think they r raiding thats why.
V: ......

still surviving

and so here i am once again
sitting in front of my
window to the world.
typing thinking wondering
how i managed to survive my confirmation.
i did.
but right now i don't know wtf am i suppossed to do.
will i live like this forever?
sleepwalk through my life's endeavour
looking back, the burning question of
"did you make the right choice in choosing research" has been
haunting me.
as much as i would like ot say "no" it has somehow
witheld me from saying yes either
because seriously,
i have never thought about so much shit in my life.
but then again thoughts will be thoughts
and the only time when you can live your dream
is to wake up from it.

Raison D’être

ahh, traversing over many nights
frozen dreams and fading tears
warm me warm me me wrap me!
i hate this body
that can't love anymore
i don't see the end no matter how far i walk
dragging along the memories of the past
what colour will this body be tainted by?
i search for that answer

on dying

what do you do when you need help and
no one is around or able to help you?

you just die. and die and keep on dying until you can no longer die.
and if you're lucky, maybe you'll just end up in hell.
if not,
you just continue to die and die and die until you reach some kind of closure.

one just for the motions

it's been a while since i last filed an entry. well its probably nothing significant has been happenning in this boring life of mine. or rather, nothing that i feel significant has happened so far. well for starters, i'm still in my course despite having lost all "could have beens" in it. apathy i guess. its the new hate without much of the hoostility. oh well. gijas renewed my WoW account. thus pulling me deeper into my already lackadaisical lifestyle. i can just spend days awake without doing any shit and sti wonder why how the day passed. he time here has been voodooed i guess.

winter is over. spring is here. more daylight and more heat. my only favourite season is winter i guess. short days and longer nights. adds to the sense of urgency when the sky gets dark. nowadays the sun-rise timings aren't that sickening yet..probably from 5.45am? but it soon will be disgusting and it will be as bright as fuck in late spring i guess.

went to ekka this year and it's as boring as shit. cant imagine how they can not have a little bit of change in their lives. the showbags were the same except maybe for a few minor changes? add a sticker in showbag a and rename it to a1; throw in a lollipopp for showbag b this year and rename it showbag b2...it's easier to figure out compared to preschool maths. the only educational thing i learnt there was the making of honey, honeycombs beeswax etc. other that that it was just another trip to the science centre. jess didn't spend much this year which is kinda gd compared to the number of showbags we bought last yr. she recently told me "i don't want to read cosmopolitin" anymore..because she feels retarded after reading the unnecassary shit in it or "things which i don't need to know". mus have been hard on her having to downgrade from cleo to cosmo...sigh

you know what, this sucks. i'm going to watch claymore now. blood in the morning, helps global warming.

The world spins madly on

i woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on
Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

-the weepies

downloading

V: eh now cannot download videos in sg ah
R: can but preferably not anime n mp3 n movies
V: wtf! then wat cna we download? air ah.
R: Surf net lor
V: i don;t need a cable connection to surf the net. a 14.4kbps modem is enough
R: that's life.
V: its like giving me toilet paper without allowing me to wipe my ass.