hope springs eternal

for the past 48 hours i've been viewing a Smogesbord of movies
happy holidays indeed
i need my eye-mo

hah i stumbled upon a poem by alexander pope
looks like i'm not the only cynic here

hope springs eternal in the human breast
man never is but always to be blest:
the soul, uneasy and confin'd from home
rests and expatiates in a life to come


no idea what that meant?
basically it means
life's a bitch until you die

a.d 2k

the past just crept up at this life of mine
will we be able to go back to the beginning
of time?

hindsight

in hindsight, my hamster orded 2 days ago
in hindsight, i've spent about 20 months
in the national service
in hindsight, i regretted not trusting my judgement
in hindsight, i've cried many times
not forgetting
in hindsight , i've stabbed many others too

a good friend of mine Qimou just collected his pink ic today.
i felt happy for him
and a sense of loss for myself
i no longer have a buddy to go on
"special operations" with anymore
not forgetting the ever adreanline-pumping
"oceans 3" and the many situations of "recovery" when some shit happened to us
he really made my ns stint a less boring one.
and now i'll spend 6 lonely months
maybe i should follow my colleague and eat 2 dou sar paus a day
since there're not many heppenning kids to go out with anymore

i hate to lie
though i can't speak the truth
for truth be told
and alliances formed
to dust the kingdom will become
along with it
its laws

i need to ord soon

empty

just got back from another signature clubbing session with my colleagues
somehow the feeling is always the same
that same feeling of euphoria with the alcohol flowing through your blood
that same feeling of release the loud music provides
that same feeling of security of bathing in the darkness
that same feeling of longing for that one girl whom you might have
a chance with meeting
that same feeling of light-headedness when you've had too much to drink
the feeling of disappointment when you realise that the girl who catches your eye
is lesbian

that same feeling of emptiness when it's all over.

the value of joy has lost its meaning
the value of passion has lost its charm

somehow i'm feeling happy, yet a sense of loss
that choking feeling of emptiness within my soul.
I have a God.
I have a Life.
what am i missing actually?

on a side, i feel like killing the idiot who agreed to buy my md player. re-asking me questions on whether it can record, does it have cable etc when i've actually stated cleary on the web auction.and arguing over the meeting place. this is one of the reasons i'll never venture into the area of "Business". you just have to take so much shit for a pathetic 30 dollars.

so much effort for so little value for money

the law of idiocracy exists for some good reason
so does
the law of conservation

saddy

the fish tank is gone.



all that remains is just an empty space
wherein lie the ps2 and tv set
I lived my life in darkness
Never the sun on my face
It didn't seem so sad, though
I figured that was my place
until I was bathed in light
everything just didn't seem right

before the day the passion died
before the day my emotions lied
How else could it be
Anyone would notice me?
It's magic, I can tell
How she set me free
Brought me out so easily

and so where do i go from here
this overwhelming lifespring of emptiness
I saw a world enchanted
and all i did was take it for granted
the spirits in my room
little balls of light
charming me to retain their sight

but it had to go
the passion has died
holding on would give Pain its pride

You made me believe
but all that remains now
but at least i know now
that i'm not truly

dead

kill them all

recently i've been plagued my shit
must be owing to the fact that the financial year is coming to an end and everyon'es rushing to clear whatever shit they have collected for the past year

i wish i didn't have to feel this way
i wish that they would all go away
to their musty cells and vinyl boxes
to the darkest depths of hell
away from me
away from virtuality

What Famous Leader Are You?
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crosell

i've tried to tell you
time and time again
the Elevator's broken
be the humble buffalo and pick up,
the yoke of selfless sin
but like the mustard seed in the sky
blatantly biting down on every
inch of my slivered spine
you continued to shine.

and from a distance i thought i heard
the wakening of the Behemoth
something wicked this way comes.

my love has died

valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
i wanna sell my 2 ft fishtank with pump n light
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
help me ask arnd if any1 wants
Ang's Foundation says:
wah, wat happen?
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
sian already
Ang's Foundation says:
liew... no care for your fishes
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
y
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
after the love is gone all that remains is dust
Ang's Foundation says:
fuck u
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
isn't it true
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
ang ki mou
Ang's Foundation says:
after love is gone, all that remains is nothing la
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
dust
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
dust remains so that there is a possibility that a tiny speck of it
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
could cause a spark and relight the fire
Ang's Foundation says:
idea huh....
Ang's Foundation says:
hehehe
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
but in my case for fishkeeping..
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
after the love is gone all that remains is nothing.

running on empty

i woke up this morning feeling as if
a chunk of me had been left behind in the other world.

as if i've lost something very important to me.
but i don't know what

silent tears


sometimes i lie awake at night
wondering what my life was like
broken dreams and broken lies
wide awake,right thru the night
laws of time, laws of life
times of silence and times of tide
clueless as i may be
right up till this day
as this night goes on.

and i can't feel the pain
anymore unlike last time
the synapses have gone
to a faraway land
leaving my soul in greater disdain

no doctor, warlock nor priest can heal
this broken spirit of mine
except
206 teardrops
from a virgin's eye
weeping for me
every-Day

Healthy Lifestyle '05



today was spent at the island resort of sentosa
with it's pseudo landscaping and psuedo beach(ches)
playing 7 rounds of volleyball.
it's my my dept's healthy lifestyle thingy alalbeit the ironic title
(ie you will not have a healthy lifestyle just cos' u go for the dept's healthy lifestyle campaign)
nevertheless, it beats being in the damn office where shit is perpetually flying aroud the office waiting to lend on the least unsuspecting person.

it was rather fun i should say, aimlessly running around playing vball and dragging people into the sea. not forgetting the posing. the beach is a place where you can legally be a poseur. but :
again. chicks were lacking.
wtf man to think that a part of saf had to be there literally made siloso beach A questionable beach in sentosa...but overall a fun day
especially swimming out to sea against the threatening waves. the feeling of helplessness...was like an orgasm.

fate... changes

i just got back from my 2nd open dive! whahaha
i changed my fate by bitching on my blog
and so the sky cleared.

i have a damn headache now though.

fateless.

fate is for those who cannot change their destiny

i opened my eyes and i am
blinded by the white light
tried to make out the day
tried to make out the time
but all i made out was haze

And I can't stand the sound
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the rain

How could this happen to me
I was supposed to dive
and now with overcast skies
night goes on
As I'm fading away

I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

soon my phone starts beeping
and everybody calls out to me
their silent anguish
and cheated hearts
lashing out at me
and for the added cut
my buddy's not coming
cos she is sick

I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I want to return to a point
when i can respawn again

And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

now the sky has cleared....right after this bitching
but i may still be unable to dive

adjusting

it's been a week of adjustment for me...
one thing's for sure : the office is still a zoo.
and now w/o one of my clowniest colleagues, its a challenge trying to feel at ease in the loony bin. i've also started to take the bus back (instead of the mrt and then switching to a feeder bus).
it's hell.
firstly cos the bus smells of axe oil;
secondly, it's full and crowded with old people most of the time. and they always rush for seats and to get on/off the bus. sometimes they make me think that thay are rushing to die by doing that...
thirdly, it takes a bloody half an hour or more to reach home and it's damn slow.
but what to do? no kaki to go home with already.
i'm more or less alone again. with syl and ahpek back in australia (and the other aussie kids); justin's in brunei and more to leave in the near future. (think 110 intake kids). i need to ord soon.

i've been having weird dreams lately. the type that are kinda prophetic. so much that its scaring me once more. namely: car crashes and confrontational fights and on love.

and its strange that lately i've been thinking alot about love. how it spurs and motivates us; influences us to do the most ridiculous things just to obtain that very object of affection; of the passion ignited that to a certain floored extent, can even drive us to kill. to Death does it not end.

but when it's over, it's over.

i once believed in Love. until i gave it away.

and strangly after watching buffy tonight, in the last episode of season 6 ep where Xander tells Willow (who's now bent on destroying the world 'cos she was filled with grief upon the loss of her Love, Tara) he loves her ( as a friend), she woke up her idea and loses her power and eveyone lives happily ever after. Love conquers all huh.

Faith Hope and Love are the 3 greatest things
the greatest is Love.

maybe.

and maybe one day i'll find my way
out of the woods, into the day
where the pain has been embraced
and the tears, dried
that's where i'll want to be
in the silence of the Night.

8138

today is one of my most disappointing days.
i let god's gift slip past me (well not exactly god's gift i just said it to make the gift sound divine)
it all happened yesterday, the 18th of feb
my department was having this cny celebration and they hired a lion dance troupe to dance for them
at the end of the dance, the lion peeled the oranges and arranged them to form the numbers '8318'
but not wanting to be kiasu, i went to take a look at them at the end of the show
and so at the end of the show, i went ONTO the stage to look at the numbers (cos being me, i hate crowds and there was a crowd blocking my view off stage)
so they appeared as '8138' to me (cos mirror effect mah)
and i noted them in my hp
now i dun really gamble but the thought of buying the numbers did come to me while i was taking the bus to the public pool for a swim. but still...i din buy (cos i am not a goddamn gambler!~!!)
well anyways, i came home only to be greeted by the sharp tv set
with the 4d page and the yellow words "1st prize : 8138"
my first reaction was "ok..get ready to say "FUCK" "
and second reaction was to check my note which i wrote in my hp

well the order of reactions kinda switched but yeah you know the rest.
i let $2000 slip past me (if i bought $1 big i think; i'm not a gambler)

but hey maybe next time i'll strike 4d/toto with more money? or get a happenning girlfriend or something? or maybe win a sportscar ? or maybe be an unamed heir to a family of rich old men?

ok. stop consoling myself already.

i was the only idiot who saw it that way
and the bigger to brush aside the thought of buy 4d tdy

but then again,

eventually, everything is emotional.

over

the main 2 days of festivities are over
and i'm now feeling emptiness within me
it's over
that's the problem.
what happens when something which you looked forward for,
waited for, hoped for, longed for, enjoyed for
has come and passed you by?
it basically means it's over doesn't it
which makes you question the wortiness of it all
whether the sweat, blood, tears heartache, perseverance is really worth
spending just for that one thing
which will eventually
be over?
maybe that's why i am the way i am
constantly thinking whether the motion of all that is really worth the extent
is what i always do.
but then again
thoughts can never be action thus never achieving a reaction.

i'm down with flu
but i'm recovering soon.
and tdy is sickening valentine's day
not that i'm a sour grape or what
but it sickens me to see the over commercialization of the death anniversary of Valentine. (now known as saint Valentine)
how many people actually know that
he was beheaded on the 14th of feb cos he defied the orders of Claudious II which were not to get married if not they would be wusses and stay home and not fight his wars.

hmm..feeling hungry
time to f.o

constantine

my birthday was basically spent rotting at my uncle's place today (or rather yesterday)
seemed to me a waste of time but somehow i was either too lazy to jio my friends to hang out or a part of me just wanted to soak in the cny festival with the family.
well almost.
my aunt quarrelled with my other aunt cos my uncle did not want to go to her sister's place to show their faces for 1/2 hr
if u asked me, i quite agreed with my uncle..after all they ARE going to visit her sister tml
whatever. my mum asked me why didn't i flash my warrant at her when she was bickering with my aunt
my reason :i couldn't care less
my words "i would only do that if she started throwing things in teh house" were enough to justify my apathy
somehow, seeing so much arguments and shit in life has made me numb..really numb.

caught constantine with gerard his bro and sylvia tdy...
kinda funny cos at the strike of 12 i stopepd at the traffic ligh and wished hijm happy bday. he was 6 hrs later than me in reaching this goddamned earth. and like me
he doesn't know what's his purpose here. poor chap
constantine was sweet which made me think again (all movies somehow make me think)
this time i thought abt how he said there were half breeds which would goad and influence humans to do either good or bad and i was wondering , what if this were true? and all the people in my office were being goaded by halfbreeds? well to me even if it made sense the humans are idiots to me cos they can't even control their own minds...by letting themselves be influenced.
argh. there's just so many arguments.


Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the tv,
the harshly mouthed words
and the slamming of the door shut
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this day that we shared together.
and you stood at the door
with your hands on your waist
and you screamed like you meant it
and i knew, that you meant it
that you meant it, thet you meant it
and i knew, that you meant it
the you meant it.



feel like sleeping
shall stop bitching already

genesis



and so today happens to be my birthday as well as cny 2005
i've been around here for 22 years now
still not knowing my real purpose here
sometimes i wonder what are we really working for
cutting each other down and competing just to get recognition, medals, money and fame, popularity, acceptance comedy and blame
when we take nothing back on the day we die.
we'd all be memories
and memories fade away

maybe it's passion
short spurts of interest
which keep us going everyday
and like the tides they ebb away
leaving us to wonder whether if it's really worth it
is there any point in all of this at all when the memory fades?

human memory is just a record.
we can erase that record.

soft reboot

with so much to say ever since i last my last entry
laziness sinks in
a few things to note:
scuba is still lovely
i bought myself an ipod for my bday present
i got pissed off in office today
and my room smells of rubber which is coming from
the wetsuit i bought
i wonder how am i gooing to spend the remainder of the day...
or days so to speak
( i took leave until 14 feb which reminds me i still don't have a date for v-day)
cny is like a soft reboot to me (you know the type you do with CTRL-ALT-DEL)
unlike the new year NEW YEAR.
to me, it basically means lesser red packet money
and that i am ording soon.
soon is the word. not now.
it's still depresssing i know
to all the chinks out there....happy cliche new year
and the rest...enjoy the ba gua

scared of girls

i went for my first open water course yesterday. 1 full damn man imagine they crammed almost the whole bk of theory into one day. the feeling of being underwater was exhilirating...that few moments of peace away from the damn world was enough to keep me sane for 1 day.
....and what good news to hear that i was paired up with a girl! not that i am desperate or what but somehow i feel weird...not just because i don't know her and everyone else in my group (2 other guys from another dept were with me and i kinda forgot their names too..cos they weren't english names so next time you want me to remember you get yourself and english name) yeah. just plain weird. am i scared of girls? but i don't want to like guys. but fug there aren't many girls in my life right now.
maybe i'm sufferring from decompression sickness/nitrogen narcosis right now
but it is only when we are at our most in-sensible moments where true feeligns are let out.

i also did lots of stupid things during the practical man..stuff like losing balance in the water and not being able to swim straight. damn the fins...they were too big for me (ya ya blame the fins) but seriously, damn the fins. i bet her impression of me is "my buddy is a total idiot"

maybe i'm a little bit over my head
i come undone at the things she said
and she's so funny in her light grey suit
i was all in love and i got hurt
and maybe she'll remember me
what i gave her is hers to keep

in white houses
in white houses


(some people are going to kill me)