passion


the source of our finest moments
the joy of love
the clarity of hathred
and the estacy of grief

it hurts sometimes
more than we can bear
if we could live without passion
maybe we would know some
kind of peace

but we would be hollow.

empty rooms, shuttered and dark
without passion
we would be truly dead

drusilla

does it ever get easy?
you mean life?
yeah, does it get easy?
what do you want me to say?
lie to me.
yes, it's terribly simple
the good guys are always stalwart and true
the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats.
and we always defeat them and save the day
no one ever dies and everybody lives happily ever after
liar.

-Lie To Me

out of Tracom 1 year 1 day on...



I just got back from the wedding earlier mentioned. i'm quite surprised i survived it cos it wasn't as bad as i expected it to be. Lucky for me i sat next to my dad's best friend who told me about what he and my dad and his gang of monkeys did while they were young. No wonder my dad was so afraid that i would become a bastard when i grew up...cos he was one when he was a kid...from stealing fruits to killing rats with home made "guns" with the tips of bicycle spokes as ammo to killing dogs and king cobras and other stuff which i shan't mention wtf.

i must surpass my dad one day.

anyway, back at the topic of tracom. it's been 1 year and 1 day since i left that shitty place. looking back, i'm quite lucky to have an office job unlike the other police officers. i get to earn hours, keep my public holidays and have a pretty much normal life than the other people in the defective force as well as divisional police officers.

i'll just have to survive 290 more days

not forgetting as an when i can just take leave to hit the beach like yesterday,
where me and another like minded idiot decided to take the 2nd half of the day off to go to sentosa to chill. we chose tanjong beach cos i decided that if he were to drown, at least we wun sia suay as much as if he were to drown at palawan or siloso beach cos tanjong beach is the most remote of the 3.

he didn't drown.

and there weren't many chicks too
at least i managed to get a tan or something.

Out of tracom 1 year on...

Today marks 1 year since i passed out of Police Academy. right now at this time, i would be marching in the POP parade.
as for now, i'm going to a stupid wedding dinner with the only people i know being my mum and probably my dad's friends.
dammit.

untitled

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

disappointment

staring into hyperspace
in the night at Time's pace
tears well up in bloodshot eyes like
a thousand nails piercing
through thin ice
a heavy heart, an empty soul like
the joy of Death, on a newborn holds
thoughts of self, thoughts of life
thoughts of never having a wife.
thoughts of failure, thoughts of doubt
thoughts of achievement, of
beating the crowd
thoughts of you, thoughts of me
thoughts of going on
a killing spree
thoughts of summer, thoughts of joy
thoughts of paradise
lost
like a broken toy.
waiting is a painful task
knowing and waiting makes twice the fuss
i want to know the meaning of
peace and love of
kindness, joy and blissfulness
till the whole earth is shrouded in ash
till the sunlight burns all sight
till the end of time and space
give me This Moment's grief with grace

kenneth

the day was spent by first driving my director to tracom and wasting 3 hours of my life there waiting for him. Of course, i didn't just waste it by rotting in the car, i went to the canteen and library. Afterwhich it was back to PCC where we had this redundantly important deeparaya celebration cum ord party and then driving my supervisor and mugly to cmpb and phq and then heheh...

the end is near.
people in the 109 Intake will be leaving soon.
one of them is kenneth.
the man whom i felt who's character is closest like mine
hating stupidity. dissing ah bengs. fucking authority.
fucking authority. respecting the righteous.
expressing our thoughts.
practical.
logical.
ruthless.
kind.
that's us. i must say it was fun having him in office
and just like darryl and ian and the rest of the gang
he's leaving for a better life.

i'll always remember the secret missions
the silent plans of strict restriction
of arduous journeys to the east and north
and dangerous voyages to the west and south
the times spent at fishops and sim lim sq
the time in bangkok where we almost wanted to kill
everybody for being so slow
they're great memories
of a life once spent
and just like what memories do
they make me sad
realising that i'm more alone now
stuck in that shithole.
nevertheless i wish you godspeed in your endeavors in life
continue to fuck the world
cos' it's only right.




yam seng.

social worker

2 new kids in the pen
totalling 6 in the den
it's driving me mad
making me scared
waiting to get out of
this crazy mess

fear of tonight
fear of sight
of future of past
of present this night
fear of rejection
truth and lie
fear of all things
dead or alive

sitting right here
in lighted virtuosity
blinking, clicking, tapping away
in the life of darkness
dead of the night
feels so much like Home
yet doesn't

feelings wax and
feelings wane
feelings are but temporal
about personal gain

without the right moment
at the wrong time
it feels like fish sex

in the end, it's just feelings

notice how it gets crappier 6 lines above? cos' i was being distracted by a girl called regina. she wants to be a social worker and is leaving on friday. i noe she's reading this and probably wants me to say i will miss her

ok. i will miss her

the edge of reason

every day i would wake up to this :

until i got so pissed with it that not wanting to be like the man in my nasi lemak joke, i decided to do this :

for the whole damn day...cep't maybe at night to prevent ninjas from coming into my room.
feels better without those grid lines. i never liked constraints anyway maybe that's why i find it so hard to commit to things.
after a 2 week "holiday", think back --

8 Nov - Worked
9 Nov - Half day MC
10 Nov - MC
11 - Deepavali
12 - Worked
13-15 - Weekend + Holiday in Lieu of Hari Raya
16 - ORD Shoot
17-19 -Flash course

i'm beginning to feel the boredom of working later today sink in.

i thought about the following while taking a shit in the loo:

if telling the truth isn't always good
then lying isn't always bad
and if telling the truth makes someone feel bad
then lying can be good
if good things can come from lying
and bad things can come from telling the truth
then although sometimes telling part of the truth
has the same end result as telling a lie (that is if lying would hurt)

sounds like programming huh.
argh fuckit.
i conclude that
lying is good.

if it isn't, i would be lying.

flashing and dashing

day 2 of the flash course. i just realised that i'm the youngest in the class full of korkor-ish and jiejie-ish people not forgetting the handful of aunties...so far so good pace and all cept that i think i'm down with the damn flu.
bored as hell. waiting for the lecturer to continue with class while the slower ones hang on with life.
i noticed i always try to be different while flashing
thus the phrase
kiang ju hoh...mai ge kiang

i'm a flasher!!.

day one of the flash course. everything's cool and fun. in fact, my course mate said this "i like this class...all very slow learners"
there are no chicks though.dammit! but at least it's very near holland village
lol
having break now...and messing
around with the flash environment.
heck i'm beginning to feel the "designer" in me.

human memory is just a record.
we can erase that record. really?.

-went for ord shoot tdy. almost messed up if not for Grance

lately Nostalgia has been haunting me in my wakefullness and in sleep. so much more that sleep is no longer sleep for me.
images of the past keep flashing back everytime i space out or seconds after i close my eyes and delve into the perfect vortex of darkness.
i recall the time while i was in primary one doing my Nespe maths workbook while lying on the walkway in the master bedroom;the time i was walking in the garden of my late granfather's garden, how i used to lie fully stretched out on the backseat of my old man's green SBB7573H Honda Civic every sunday while we head to my grandmother's house; the time when i pulled the sofa in the hall to the middle of the hall to play street fighter on my sega genesis; switching on my first computer to play duke nukem and typing on wordperfect 6; eating this yellow chicken flavoured snack called "kaka" after going swimming with my dad after school. (he would wait for me to sing the damn national anthem at the end of the day at school on fridays); how my mum would take me to the arcade to play after am/session school and recently after cleaning out my den, this weird feeling of "everything is clean and proper and neat ---> just perfect for starting out on a new school year" keeps getting to me.

in a sense it's soothing, surreal yet scarey.

i mean wtf am i having these flashbacks and feelings? is Instinct telling me something (normally bad) is going to happen? having memories of the past suddenly coming back to me and that doesn't usually happen. and if they do, there has to be a reason.

what's the worth of a happy memory when it comes back to mind when you're sad, further burying you into deeper joyful sadness.

i think i need to see a shrink.
but maybe i can self medicate
redbull gives me wings

i did this earlier tonight on freehand. and realised that i don't like freehand cos somehow it messed up my dimension and resolution (it's damn bad but when printed it's ok) thingy. maybe i'm a noob that's why.



i just realised. all those memories, they made me feel safe at the time they happened.
but not now.

maybe this is the end of reason
maybe this is where realisation sinks in
for right now i know
i am all alone.

laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone

the big cleanup

as i mentioned earlier. i did wake up (at 1pm) to clean my stupid messed up room. the whole operation took 4 hours....

i cleaned and cleared my room. cleaning was easy although it involved shifting whatever was on my L-table off into somewhere and getting rid of the stupid wires which ensued :



after 2 pail changes of detergent and alot of dust later i had to wipe all the appliances one by one. (my favs were my ps2 and lcd monitor so i took extra care to wipe them) and since you take off your pants b4 ur underwear and put on ur underwear b4 ur pants i had to do the same to the whole damn table. dummies read : take off appliances--> clean table --> clean appliances --> put back appliances on table--> connect the cables.

now came the clearing part. it was harder as it involved throwing away stuff which i may be emotionally attached to and although i clean my room bi-annually i still have alot of junk cos either i can't bear to throw them away; or i'll have this stupid aunty thinking of "i may need it next time"

so i started with the 2 plastic boxes under my table. This time i had grown stronger. i managed to throw most of the stuff in it away.. camp books (screw the memories, most of the people prolly won't remember me anyway) test-tubes and other stuff from school (yes i was a cheeky one) toys etc

until i came across a sealed up pack titled "regrets". my first thought was "wtf? how come i had a pack of regrets hiding in my room (think lit guys lol) and thus i opened it..

fuck.



it was a pack of consolidated paraphernalia (ie notes, letters, photographs, a ring and a breakup letter) from my prev prev prev relationship. (well at least i was smart enough to not leave them around EVERYWHERE in the room i kept them in a pack) funny how it still existed although i've thought that i've thrown it away so many years ago. i thought back and wondered for awhile on what we could have been and shit..the feeling sucks. after reading the stupid breakup letter i realised (and remembered) that the reason why it didn't work out was cos she felt that i did not have enough time for her and didn't show her enough love. hmm.. come to think of it maybe i wasn't too obvious in those little actions of love (not that i'm superstitious i'm a damn aquarian and they aren't gd at expression) and shit and yeah maybe i was easily distracted (she did mention i did not hear her out when she called me and i was playing cs) but one things for sure i did love her. i realised i was retarded too cos i dun recall going back her. bastard right? we all make mistakes i guess. well at least i'll know what to take note of next time i have a girlfriend (if i ever have one right now there seems to be NO FUTURE.)

ah. fuckit. it's over 5 fucking years ago man

and so i tore and slashed and burned the happy meal pack to the high heavens
and got on with my life (clearing my room)
lit guys will prolly think "oh johnny's got rid of the chain that's binding him and maybe you're right cos i thought of that too

hmm i threw away alot of computer stuff and books which i thought i was being stupid cos i recall at one point of time i just bought books for the sake of buying and reading which meant buying books with no value like "flight of the eagles" ...wtf man how sad was i. and did i meantion i was sad enough to listen to backstreet boys and ott? FUCK. well. got rid of them.

all in all it was quite a happy day. 11 ntuc bagfulls of trash, 1 happy pack (the regrets pack) and 1 kg of dust (k i was kidding)

now i have to get a new watch for myself next month.
it's the last thing that's binding me.
right now, i'll just live for the moment.

what am i doing

surprisingly, when i plan for stuff to do, it always gets screwed up but when i don't, weird shit starts happenning to me. take today for eg. i wanted to "not waste the night" since tomorrow's (or rather tdy)a holiday. problem was, everyone on my msn/icq/phone book list was either occupied or were the people i figured spending the night with would not be o-so-smooth for me. except for one guy. deenie. was hanging with him when one of my friends called me and asked if i wanted to go hang out. being bored and for the fact deenie was about to leave i agreed. and so the saga with another close buddy of mine and 3 girls started.

it was weird. maybe cos i wasn't prepared. but still weird.
if today's incident was an rpg battle., i would have levelled up a pathetic 2 exp points

dumb. after hearing from most of my friends that they have or are "cleaning up my room" i decided i shall pack my room later when i wake up. it's in the same state ass my mind right now -- MESSED UP. unless of course something else interesting pops into my face for the day.

making out with people
i hardly know or like
I can't believe what I do
late at night.
holding up the book in my hands
i read the last page so well
but i can't see the first
standing at the gates i see
the beauty above
and not feel it
i just had a bad night.
i just had a bad night.

complicated

i long for the
warmth of days gone by
where innocence was still a virtue
and lies were considered sacriligeous


lately apathy has sunken into me, not that it wasn't already resident in me.
there're so many movies/anime/tv drama episodes for me to clear. so much that i have no time. not forgetting the many things i have yet to learn which i have used the phrase "not enough time" as an excuse to procrastinate.

the things we possess will ultimately possess us all.

maybe i should just close my eyes, highlight all the files and hit shift+delete followed by a space? or close my eyes and smash the com?
why close my eyes?
the heartache would still be there. it doesn't help in anything

we do so many things, write up SOPs and instructions on how to do certain things on the pretext of "for smoother transmission", "for proper channelling", "for ease of pain", "fo convenience"; basically "for the better". when actually everything can be cut down and simplified into a single step.

which reminds me...the bitchlorette just sent me an email telling me to minimise on the word "fuck" in my conversations with the peeps when obviously the person who was saying "fuck" in all previous message history wasn't me.

is "fuck" that really bad a word? if so, why would it be in a dictionary.
it's useful. that's why it's in the dictionary.

maybe that's why we live in a complicated world.

one day technology will burn itself out

winter's warm and summer's cold.
it's raining here almost everyday.
how i wish hail would just fall and
kill everyone else.

home

you tell me that i'm home
but why, why don't i ever feel it
like a fish out of living water
ice in the fire

and love dances on our minds
and we fall into each other's eyes
time passes us by

talking at starbucks
over coffee and a biscotti
and that was when; when
you made me feel human
part of this universe

slamming; slamming down the receiver
is it over; our little adventure
and now; bottle of merlot later
i feel so much sober
its like runing through the rain

you tell me that i'm home
buy why, why don't i ever feel it
were the higher powers having fun
making love a big great pun

got to the heart of the matter
and lingered
problems unsolved, feelings dwindled
shouldn't have let go, persisted
and now, now's a case of tristan and isolde
the settling of a story

you tell me that i'm home
and now; i feel the pain of silence
biting into my selfless state of mind
and home feels cold indeed.

understand this is a dream

so quiet. another wasted night.
winamp steals the conversation
i can't believe i sprained my back
for the first time in my life. must be getting old. anyway 2 days of mc was nice
the only regret i had was not taking leave for friday.
if i did, i would literally not be working for one week.
been playing star ocean : till the end of time lately
nice game but full of shit cos their maps are horrendous

just got back from a failed attempt to enter phuture
watched some thai horror movie called "shutter" instead.
predictable yet intriguing
my adidas watch is going crazy. the time keeps on jumping towards the future
maybe my time is up?

there's just so many things that i wanna do
but can't find the time to
we are all in love
and we all got hurt

mind in death in mind

the universe looks down on june
every night, every hour
the only thing that looks back at it
her lifeless soul within her eyes
she looks so pretty in her bloodstained dress
like pinot noir in the old winepress
but it served well
it served well

across the ocean tim's body lies
full of maggots and squatter flies
malnutrition and mercury
the culprits of his misery

amber hangs upon a tree
her broken neck her spirit free
she looks so peaceful and oh so sweet
who'd have known about this heartless deed

three tragic deaths on the
very same day
what could be said
come what may
that life's as short as a butterfly's
colourful flippity and after awhile
it dies

the last juror

i've just finished reading "the last juror" by john grisham and sad to say, it was quite disappointing 'cos the outcome was clearly predicatable. true, he did try to keep his story interesting by creating the ocassional twist; but i've also noticed that there's too much wastage of paper in the inclusion of so many importantly redundant characters which do not really affect the story at all. crap. is this it? are his books really going down the drain? or was "the last juror" actually aimed at a racial/political topic rather than the usual legal one?

lately i've been filled/motivated to do a lot of things. but the stupid problem is time. with 8.5 hours a day that'll only leave me with another 8hrs b4 i hit the sack. it's no wonder the working class people are so moody. they literally don't have a life.

i'm falling sick.
the runny nose came yesterday
the dry cough today
tomorrow my ears will be blocked
and by sat i would have acquired full fledged bird-flu from bangkok

kiss me. we shall enjoy death in eternity.

i'm starting to feel christmasy again

with my recent return from a much deserved but inadequate break
and with the increasingly frequent rainy weather which i'm experiencing right now
with the cool air lingering around me
and the half-fuck christmas decorations along orchard road and various stores
with the fact that it's already november 3
and that i have slightly more than 300 days to ord

i'm starting to feel christmasy again

it's a nice feeling, being cosy and stuff. the sense of peace. Although i have a feeling it may be fake but even a fake sense of peace is able to calm me for at least a second. maybe...nostalgic?

whatever it is, it's nice (ok i'm starting to sound gay again)

but sad to say,

THE OFFICE PEOPLE STILL PISS ME OFF.

so let's just hope this christmasy feeling will be able to make me happy and have something to look forward to.

some say i am crazy
others angsty
all i can say is
if you were me,

what would johnny do?