joan of arc

she was so sweet, demure
that by just looking at her
i felt myself melting away in a flurry of euphoria
the words could not flow as freely as they should
just in the her presence

and so i took a walk
into the night into endless
space when finally i reached my goal
a book, so greatly coveted
but it could never replace the being
whom i met earlier a few hours ago.

national service. 1 year more to go


exactly at the stroke of midnight, this fair night, one year from this date
i would have officially ended my slavery to the nation. the sacred 3-letter word which is so coveted by every male in this country

looking back, i've already done 14 months of service , with the first 5 mths in the academy and the remainder still counting in a department called PNSD. it seemed so slow when i was in the academy but yet so fast when i was posted in PNSD. so much so that i've alreeady spent at least 9 months there. of course, anyone who have been through so much would say that "time flies" when actually it has always been constant.

i do not deny that i have a better NS life than those people in the SAF. just because it isn't so physically taxing in the police force. and i do not deny that i am blessed with the priviledge of staying out every night thus having a "normal" working-like life. but it has its downsides too and some of them inclue having lower pay as i do not have operational allowance and i spend more than the guys in green. but i guess that's what the rule of conservation is here for. I did not choose my path in NS. CMPB did.

this world is unfair, yet it is able to do justice at certain times.

and so here i am, 21 years on, 14 mths into ns. The days will continue to be long, yet short, more shit to be expected, more scoldings and more lessons to be learnt. at the end of the day, it will be my entitlement to say "ORD LOH!" to all the newbies who have yet to leave the service. and continue on with my dysfunctional life. would i grow stronger then? or be more corrupted in values? would i gain anything from it all?

i have exactly 365 days to find out.

how far would i go

friday 9am. woke up to the fucking morning sky
phone said hi with 2 messages asking me what time to meet and where
replied with 11am kranji mrt stn.
washed up, put some clothes one splashed some cologne on prematurely dried jeans
packed ninja packed checked out of den
knocked door said hi to accomplice and took a bus down to mrt stn
waited for justin who was late. shame to the SAF.
got on the bus zipped through customs, checked out a few chicks and landed in larkin
welcome to cockroach city.

got in the car made a new friend went to have lunch. lunch was gastronimic, sinful anti-halal organs. thank God i was chinese. f.oed and proceeded on sidequest.

took in the sights, consoled myself imagined what my life would be if i were to stay there. concluded it would be truly asian.
bought mooncakes reached saleng dropped them off and f-oed to holiday inn plaza.

welcome to thief haven.
spammed the movies paid in hell notes f-oed and went to send off gerard as he had some shit to do.

new idea: should i stay or should i go?
fuckit.
i decided to stay

new doors opened, a new freedom found
bought tix to "new police story" 9.40pm show at leisure pelangi
went back to ambassador's place to regroup.

after an hour of training my PR skills, it was 7pm
time to eat again. went to taman terasek and spammed the food there.
the sugarcane juice was overkill
i could almost cry

drove around town dropped by the new friend's friends shop and nosed around
it was 9.30pm then
time for the movie .

movie was good albeit abit unrelistic. decided to have supper and went to some derelict place for satay and ice kaching.

it was then that i realised the importance of family.

looking at a family eating together reminded me of my parents
the times we had which were now but a memory
do familes stop doing stuff together as the kids grow older?
or am i just being too traditional.

zonked out went back to base and crashed.

saturday 9am. woke up to a different setting
no more sky. no more sun
just a plain white ceiling
realised i was no longer in home washed up and went for breakfast

breakfast was prata. in a different style. small but thick curry was weird though
ate with justin while new friend went to pick up justin's mum
mum arrived and we continued
dropped her off at the back with justin while i hung around with new friend

the duo returned later and we went off for drinks at this preppy coffee cafe. looked like ya kun and killineys' but it had a somewhat distinct characterisc of its own and respect to that.

11am time to say goodbye, bought some cigarettes and zipped through customs.
welcome back to the city of facades

took the stupid bus back reached home took a shower wrote an entry
zipping off to sim lim soon the night is yet to be determined
tomorrow's another boring day of patrolling at holland village

somehow i found solace in being in a foreign land
somehow i wished for a simple life

i wondered what it would be if there was this special someone who could do those things with me.

growing

many things have happened to me ever since the previous post
take my temporal madness for x japan for example, i could stay up all night just to wait for the queues in order to get them into my hard disk. something which i've not done for a very long time. somehow, their music seem to be able to dissolve the angry cells in me.
the zoo was no much different from the usual. after spending so much time "holding the fort" i decided to abandon it for awhile and take a walk outside. leaving the new kid wondering wtf did i go. i guess the saying was right, the leopard will never teach the cat everything. life is all about discovering, when you know your way around, i guess that's what they call "reaching nirvana". to me, nirvana is an everyday affair in the zoo. cos' so much shit just happens right in front of you that you are forced to gain it almost immediately by dealing with it.
long live the zoo.
i've sinned many times too. i hope my victims forgive me, cos' like everything that revolves around in the zoo, nothing is intentional-intentional, but accidental-intentional. you don't mean to get person A into shit, but somehow, after trying to get person B into shit, person A ultimately gets it. and it's not that i deliberately meant for person B to get into shit...let's just call it "paying back the karma"
i've never been so messed up, until i stepped into the world of NS.

realise

there's no point
in bitching about the shit in life knowing that it will never fail to come your way
there's no point
in being pissed with the world knowing that there'll always be people around to piss you off.
there's no point
in always being nice knowing that there'll always be people who exploit your kindness.
there's no point in dying
knowing that you would have lost the batte.

it is easy to die.
it is harder living up to the challenges of this life

maybe i've come to realise
to once again leave it to Providence to govern my daily life

Crucify my love
If my love is blind
Crucify my faith
If it hinders me
if i'll never know, never trust
That one day my
world would be in colour
Crucify my love
If it should be that way

wrath

recently theres been a spate of incidents which left me none the happier
but instead full of anger. sometimes i really wonder why there'll still be people around to piss you off even though when you're nice to everyone. could this be the rule of conservation? equivilent trade? nature's divine balance? if it is...shouldn't i be pissing others off as well? or would that upset the balance. if so, someone innocent would definelty be screwed as well. i hope it didn't take me 21 years to realise that fairness does not govern life and death in this world. if not all the good people would have died old (imagine such a heaven, where all the bad hats died young!)

some shit should await me in office if i'm not wrong. i'll find out in an hour's time

she will be loved

where are your friends when you need someone?
be it a meal, a walk, a movie, a late night out at Laney's
or do they only come to you when they want something from you?

kill something

there's so much pent up angst in me right now
that i feel that i have to

kill something

btw i just realised that most "jonathans" are single on friendster....

Fiat justitia; ruat coelum;

faking it

is personal satifaction and happiness
more valuable
than spending a lifetime of loneliness

is faking everything to be in line with today's society
more self reassuring
than being true to onself

no matter how much it hurts
sometimes it is better to be alone than fake it.

scattered thoughts.

it's one of those nights again when i am feeling emo. with the droning of the motherboard fan and the soft touch of the wind brushing aginst my face. on this starless night with only the moon bathing this cursed earth with light. not forgetting the illumination of the lcd monitor lighting up my path to these words as i type.

lame was it?
sometimes i tend to despise others when they do, say, or write something in an arrogant manner. thinking of them as being immature and childish or probably as poseurs. so much so that the next time they try to communicate with me i feel apathetic or worse, indifferent towards them. silently in my mind i would go "yeah whatever, you're the God now".

i realised now how fucked up i am.

or maybe not.

perhaps that's why i'm so full or hathred for this world now.

it's cos i've been keeping all this shit in myself.

i guess the only few things i can do are :

1) screw the person on the spot when he says something which doesn't make sense but is still so proud of it

2) entertain him until i see better days

3) try to reason with why he said that

not that i've not been practising the above steps but somehow something is still not right

perhaps i am messed up...somehere

or perhaps maybe this world has to have a few knuckleheads to make living worthwhile.

it is always so easy to die.
living is so much more challenging

been having this cough for 2 weeks already.

am i going to die?

maybe not. somehow i've got to find a way to be nicer to the world around me

never have i seen true beauty until this night

i wonder when can i ever have the taste of it.

dashy dissy derelict me

so this if life...spacing out almost all the time thinking about why bad things happen to us. why we're poor, why is the world is so screwed up as it is today, why is everything like this and not that.

why ? the mother of all questions

it's always the ones who have nothing who complain the most.

a typical coffeeshop conversation.

i dun believe no one in the office did not talk about it today.....

i dun see why there's this big fuss over the 5 day work week
its not as if we really work on Saturdays

eh there's a big difference.....it's not about work done here but really the time spent in office
i would rather do more work on weekdays and get up late on sat and Sunday

but whats the point in it all
getting up late
whether you wake up early or not it's still the same
if you wake up early u just feel sleepy for the first few hours then after that
you'll have the same alertness as that when you wake up late

aiyah ..put it simply.....on a sat...would u rather go to office or stay home....

then u might as well say would u rather continue NS or migrate
to me it doesn't make a difference cos it is ns
you should be grateful you are in the police force
the life is so much easier than thet of saf/scdf

......... i dunno what u toking man... what ns or migrate..... the thing we're talking about here is time...
and by the way....all army camps also get the 5 day ......meaning those army pple book out on friday night

what i'm trying to tell u is that you are serving NS now
you should be contented that it is an easier life than saf/scdf

and my point is so what if there is a 5-day work week or 5.5 day work week
just cos of 0.5 days you all make such a big fuss over it

this is ns you noe it's not supposed to be so easy-going

the "serve ns part or migrating" comes in when you say its an issue of time

you want time, you migrate, you lose your citizenship and you have all the fucking time in the world

you want your fucking citizenship, you serve ns
and be prepared for its shit

not all

they get aso

still gd for the army pple...

then join the army la ask for transfer
i dun understand why you all are so gey gao seriously

not that i'm dissing you guys or what
just a personal viewpoint

nay....ns has always been a waste of time... so any benefits especially that giving us more time to do other things should be welcomed with wide open arms... well of cuz its quite lucky since it applies to the civil service overall, and we doing our ns are counted under the scheme.....

ya la true la but really la all the hype is uncalled for la but to me whether or not got 5 day work week doesn't stir me

if there is, ok cool
if there isn't, so shall it be, whatsoever, fuck it

but since now there is, i dun really give a shit when it get implemented too

you won't really yearn for something when you know you're already getting it

aiyah...it's the NS mentality lah...the moment u enter, u already get the sian feeling
if dun have things like NS reduction.....we also lan lan......if got, gd for us...

it's called apathy
that's what it is
that's what i am

guess the speakers, no points for the correct answer

bored ..so i came up with...

a checklist!
of things which never fail to piss me off
which explains why i am so full of rage
all the time

i hate:

girls who :

-act cute when they absolutely know they are not (wearing silly accessories making themselves look like drag queens
-dress up so horrendously sexily when they don't have the body to complement the dress
-think they are damn pretty and strut around with their noses in the air

guys who :
-are complete fuckheads and brag about how great they are
-act tough and pretend that they know everything..when actually they do not

people who :
-block my way be it on the sidewalks, roads, escalators etc
-have no fucking sense of initiative & remain stupidly in their stance
-are slow with no sense of urgency
-scramble for the train/bus/lift doors when the train/bus/lifts arrive
-taxi drivers
-stink
-are so full of themselves

and with that, i hate myself for complaining so much.

that's all. just wanted to make an entry for the sake of it...which is lame. and sad too.

minority report

i just got back from a 2D1N sai kang session at sentosa...was there with the usual bunch of guys helping in the preparation for the spans real-run event which was later held this morning. it wasn't as if i was so siao-on and wanted to help them it was more for the hours which would give me at least 3.5 days off. however, i'm been wondering lately what's the point of earning so many hours, when i have to clear them within 6 mths form the date of acquisition. thus i have decided. i will not chiong hours until my last 6 months in NS. i wonder why did they called it national service....should have termed it national sai-kang instead.
anyway the event wasn't entirely a fucked up one with me being pissed all the time. we had our fair share of moments. moments of rage and moments of joy, moments of boredom and moments of pain. most importantly it has led me to further understand the people around me--both good and bad points.

sometimes i question the meaning of maturity, the meaning of "giving face", the meaning of tolerance, and the meaning of being blunt. all of which have governed my actions in my dealings with people. most of the time i may appear to be receptive of people's requests for assistance/favours. but another part of me always questions the worthiness of it all. most of the time that other part is correct no matter how hard i fight to work against it. so the saying goes, even though you try hard not to step on other people's toes, it may not be others' intention to do likewise"

red sky in the morning

reminiscing the days gone by
of what was left as another life
i can't help but stare
in broken expectation
of what tomorrow would bring
the essence of the night has just been born
the depth of its serenity i so much yearn for
bathing in the moonlight, singing a song
just waiting for the daylight never to come
let me not fade away in this stardust moment
for right now the pain of everything just
disappears
everyhing's so perfect, i see vanilla skies
but all for a moment in ever-changing time

with nights like these
all of us would be Gods in our own eyes
with nights like these
there would be no pain
with nights like these
i will forever dwell in the wings of Comfort
until the day i die

with nights like these
i will never die

the world is you

wouldn't you like to take some time
feel yourself completely
breathing out the soul that you keep inside
wouldn't yuou like to make them smile
show them you're a wonder
offer them the world and the world is you

wouldn't you like a second chance
use what you've been given
prove it to us all that there is one more dance
wouldn't you like to see a change
show us we can make one
offer us the world and the world is you

i will never side facing us the wrong way
spending lifetimes searching for you beyond the skies
the feeling keeps you from believing
and the one thing some of us were born to hide
a greatness lives within your reaches
and the hope is maybe when you lie to sleep
you'll be looking forward to the morning
and the mirror waking to the face of noon

envy

it's been days since i last bitched and thus i decided to do an entry since so many things have happened since my last entry.

let's see...i was over at toa payoh stadium helping out with some real run shit...at first i thought the organisers were really organised..till they decided to keep me entertained by refiling 1500 over entries of registration forms and photocopied I/Cs...well i later found out that they need not do it today so i guess the person who told me to do it was either stupid, or he was a mistake in life...or both.
i guess he was both.

just got back from a wedding dinner at the marriot. the event was surreal, and quite a unique one in a sense that the married couple invited other couples to come onto the dance floor to dance...(so much that it became a D&D instead of a "strictly wedding dinner" affair

hah this i got to mention. I HATE TAXI DRIVERS. while on my way to the wedding i got into a minor accident with one taxi driver though it was partly my fault. the best part is that there was no damage and i got to scold the taxi driver to hell. from today onwards i will get my hand ready on my horn whenever i see a taxi...they are only useful to me when i need to get home fast (which is rarely the case).

somehow..a part of me is envying the people around me...which leads me to become even more apathetic towards everything

w-h-y?--the mother of all questions
the birth of new reactions
leading to another quantity of rage inside of me

locked out

something stupid just happened about an hour ago
i got locked out of my damn room!
wtf man
verdict : my bloody door knob was faulty (maybe cos' i slam the door alot) and thus the faulty lock. wasted 50 buckeroos for getting the locksmith to open my door
fucked up.

i don't expect things to get better.

intruder.



today was an uneventful day at office
but things started to pick up after office hours cos
1. i managed to hack the xbox to enhance the playability and functions of my xbox
2. i managed to get my much needed rest at home
3. i killed a lizard which just irritated me by shitting right in front of me at the table when i was drinking water.

tml shall be spent at SPANS doing sai kang
why did i choose to do it then?

simple. cos i can earn hours

i'm a mercenary remember.

national shit...one year on

just got back from centro after a night of clubbing
sad to say their R&B mix wasn't customised to my liking
nevertheless i did have fun there
sluts still exist since the last time i went clubbing..even those who dress so skimpily to exhibit their well fed bodies

i'm on leave today
reasons being
1. i just got back from clubbing and it is 3.27am
2. i don't feel like working later
3. my annual leave of 14 days will be reset today leaving me with 21 days of leave in total + the hours
4. it has been one year since i was enlisted and given this pathetic life

i can't wait for Sep 28, 2004

obscure expression

when i went to work this morning
i expected some shit to happen after the long break from office
and how true was i indeed

it's either i am really stupid
or a certain someone isn't able to express himself well enough for me to understand what he wants

i'm tired of this life
of doing things for others as if i'm obliged to
of being used by so many people as if i'm a whore
of just being in my chair waiting for problems to come to me expecting to be solved

there must be some point in time when this shit has to end
and after analysing, reflecting and discussing it with myself,
Conscience and i decided that

it is the day i ORD.