gaseous

filled with frustration
vexed with anticipation
silently sit
quietly weep

freedom is hope
hope is comforting
seldom real
always disappointing

emanating despair
i solomnly contemplate
the direness of my lonely fate

emancipate my heart
balm my mind
let me not hear my own requiem

pacify my being
placate my soul
save me from the fire filled hole

nothing is for free
life's a journey
unlock the mysteries
i haven't realised

so that i'll be gaseous

and fit right in

quandary

life doesn't always go the way we want it
it never does for me
i have a final year project (FYP) outline to submit by next friday
the only problem is that i haven't settled on a project to take up as my FYP
it's , according to my supervisor either
too simple
or too hard
what then is just right.
i guess i'll never have a bright idea after being put down so many times
its hard enough to bite on my lip and taste the dirt
but as nature's built in device
anger will seep in sooner or later.
right now i have a long list of possible fyps...
only so little time to choose

it's hard living a life that's nice and beautiful
happiness is just a facade right here

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Take The test And Bare Your Soul --

sentosa

i just got back from a 3D2N chalet at sentosa this afternoon. technically i just got back from yet another reckless biking session with my usual group of buddies. as i wonder about what to include for this entry, the only thing which comes to my mind is the fresh impression of the chalet which i have just came back from. my expectation of the chalet was one of relaxation, sun, sand, video games, chat sessions, blading ,injury and escape. escape from my ensnared mind, escape from the every pressured life back on the mainland. if it was entitled that phrase in the first place. at the end of it, escape was missing. the sun was missing and the sane was missing. i'm back in my pigeon hole, in my own emo mindset so fixed beyond self. things don't always go our way whenever we want it. if it did, this wouldn't be called The World. there's just so many things which i want to do right now. anything except being bound by circumstances. anything except the government. anything except the law. if only i had just one day which i could do anything i want without being scrutinized and ostracised. that would be called my world. i'm beginning to hate writing blogs as they are becoming more cheesy to me. anyway. i'm tired of writing this entry. i shall end with this last sentence. Sentosa is a really emo place and it'll be really enjoyable with the people you are closest to being on it with you. fare well.

aneurysm

i think i'm losing it. my world has once again crumbled. there's just so many
things to do, things to complete, but yet so little time
that , just like any other cliche, sounds so lame (and yes this is another cliche too)
but it's so very true to me right now.
the longer i stay in this eternal waking dream
the longer i suffer from it
it's the kind of feeling so undescribable, but yet so real
the feeling of waking up each day just for another day
the feeling of meeting the same old people, and strangers to
the feeling of getting angry, and happy and angry once more
the feeling of craziness, depression..and yet deeper depression
the feeling of cars whizzing by along the roads
people on the streets
the feeling of every other ordinary day
i repeat
every other ORDINARY day
when will this endless pointless cycle end
when will people start to understand
that life is more than just living and living and living
for the sake of living alone
everyday people pass me by
not every knowing why
what they're every living for
not everyone knows
but not everyone doesn't ever know either
the headache is killing me.
fare well

where is my sense of urgency

ok let's face it. my PWA test is today at 11.30am
i have an SA test tomorrow
and an NA test on wednesday

by right i should be mugging for my pwa test as it is by far the hardest fo the three
but i am not. why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why?
could it be so easy that i don't have to study ?
nope. i'm drowning in it
but i don't know why i just dun have that sense of urgency
it's weird. i've felt like this before..but not so slack until this state what...

sigh.

it is a good day to die.

in retrospect

a week of vacation has just passed me by
in retrospect, i had done nothing during the week except :
sleeping no later than 5am;
waking up no earlier than 2pm except on 2 days (wed and friday)
reading and completing 2 books :
frank mccourts's angela's ashes
john grisham's the summons
spending no more then 4 hours of the entire week studying
watching a movie with 2 cheesy short stories
in retrospect, i wish i hadn't slept and woken up so late
in retrospect i wished i had studied more
in retrospect i wished i had freed my soul

it's strange how we can be at peace with ourselves at one time
while simultaneously destroying ourselves in some other area of our life
cheesy?

in retrospect, i wished i had more time...to read more
haha

so impossible

a comeback marks the beginning of new sorrow

So she says "Everyone's going to the party,
won't you come if I come with a friend for your friend?
I'd be so pleased to see you out of the classroom
wearing the smile that I'll bring you.
I was hoping to learn a few things
Do you do you like dishing the dirt on the whole class
& talking the big smack & playing the fool
& wearing all of the latest fashions
or bucking the new trends wearing your old threads.
If you like taking a cup of coffee in the evening.
These are a few things that I'd like to know that I'd like to know"

So I said... "I've been scheduled to work but I'll call in and
my friend isn't busy he'd be happy to join me and
maybe my friend and your friend will hit it off or maybe we will?"

I'm dying to know do you do you like dreaming of things so impossible
or only the practical or ever the wild or waiting through all your bad bad days
just to end them with someone you care about
and do you like making out
and long drives and brown eyes
and guys that just don't quite fit in
yeah do you like them
So yes, I'll see you there.

de-detox

if frustration had a form
it would be called Me

if supression cound bind
it would bind me

of all the things i would weep for
i would weep for my soul the most

the end of the dream

life is so mystical
an endless meaningless cycle
6 weeks of term have passed and i am still in a dream
a stupor of ideals which will never be fufilled
it's hard growing up
it's hard living

if only if only if only
seems to ring endlessly
my beloved angel
has pushed me down to hell
the only school bell i hear
is that of a bellowing knell

it's hard living a proper life
one which is free from sin
i guess we are all evil within

it's time to wake up
smell the corpses
of those which i have so lovingly
neglected.
many deeds have i to accomplish
many dreams to brush aside
no longer will i hide

the end of my waking dream is nearing
it's time to wake up....johnny

emotional inebriations

once again, another night is wasted
what was perceived was not performed
what was desired, was not fufilledrt
i'm so tired of Hope

hope that is comforting
hope that is false

fatigue in planning things and seeing them as
dreams is catching up on me
am i being too sensitive or am i being too nice
a friend has left the clique
only to see it dying
right now gatherings are often unspoken tales
perceived in the mind
fruitful equivalence to air

friends come and go
lovers meet and part

love and hate
pain and comfort
are they as important as life itself
for the very taking

another emo night
another futile fight
another angel departs
another mortal's dis-heart

when will the dream end

again it goes unnoticed


So quiet another wasted night, the television
steals the conversation exhale, another wasted
breath, again it goes unnoticed.

Please tell me you're just feeling tired
cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break out of touch,
out of time. Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
cause I can't read your rolling eyes out of touch,
are we out of time?

Close lipped another goodnight kiss is robbed of all it's passion,
your grip another time, is slack it leaves me feeling empty.

I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day when I can't bear these nights of thoughts
of going on without you this mood of yours is temporary
it seems worth the wait to see your smile again
out of the corner of your eye wont be the only way
you'll look at me then.

anima

another day, another life,another time without a wife
always assumming the worst
i've been living in a hearse
negative things breed negative thoughts
which never often should be sought

so many restrictions
so little transparency
mounting to invisible discrepancies

a life to be happy
a life to be free
all i'm living
is a life to be history

how long will this last
this immortal pain
the agony the torture
this mindless enclosure

silent ramblings are of no use
silent grief breaks the heart
but the only thing breaking is my heart
it weeps it bleeds for its wounds are endless

it weeps it bleeds it bleedeth for thee

Take the new and improved Dashboard quiz!

sleepless

it's 4.30 in the morning, exactly 2.5 hours after i last put myself to bed
the fact that there is church service tomorrow doesn't seem to help
at all.
not at all.

if i don't wake up on time for church in 5 hours to come
my parents would start bitching.
i wonder if they know that a person who goes to church regularly
may not necessarily be considered a christian
neither is one who doesn't.
to me, personally christianity is a relationship, not a religion
and attending chuch or not doesn't really reflect on your holiness
or image as the worldy termed "christian"
many would term me strange or call me blasphemous
but i don't really care
trust me, a guy who's trying to sleep but unable to is writing here.

right now it's as if i'm living in a waking dream
engaging in activities so important yet so meaningless
writing this entry is one of them
i wonder if EMO has to do with any of this
but no. i am EMO. this may sound cheesy i know.

i've gotten in and out of my bed 5 times already
when will i be able to sleep
this is another one of those days where
sleep tortures me.

aimless LIFEliness

spent yet another day wandering around the island looking
for exotic fishes/amphibians/salamanders
come to think of it, a total transit of 9 buses and a s**tload
of walking was done today compared to yesterday's biking escapade

at the end of the day. i got nothing.

sometimes i wonder why life is so similar to what i just experienced today
we come into this world unclothed
and leave this place with only clothes and probably,
a pretty box with lacquer and varnish.
along the way, we probably meet some nice souls around
but does it add up at all

man is such a pain in the ass.

making rules, building cities, printing money, killing man
abusing power,wielding knives,holding guns,having fun

at the end of the day. he gets nothing

new pet in da house

as mentioned earlier
i wasted the day,
located my liver and
had 10 hours of useless sleep
to redeem myself, i went out with my other fren who did the same thing as me
and got myself a new pet.
it's a newt (dunno the species) and it definetly kicks ass
my mum was like "what the hell is that!?!?" when she saw it
but right now it's slacking in a pet habitat container
probably freezing in the air-conditioned room

there's one pet i would like to get though
a snakehead
if any of u people reading this knows where to find one,
pls pls pls pls pls tell me
it'll really help me get my 3 feet tank back from my mum
who's currently rearing 2 miserable Flower Horns (what a stupid name)
or what the chinks would call "luo han"

what an idiot

i am such an idiot
i just woke up after like 10 hours of sleep and here's the best part
i found my liver AGAIN
it's located just below the diaphragm i think
cos it was hurting like hell after last night's vodka session
another wasted day i guess
cest la vie

pointless clamourings

bits and bytes are wearing me down
refresh after refresh i begin to frown
upon my head lays a crown
a sigh, a curse, a silent hearse
i stumple, i slip and eternally weep
why must my picture be painted with toil
dust upon dust, soil to soil
Ender with save me that i know
i will continue this useless poem before it snows
to the dinner table i shall go

aimless

i just woke up from 8 hours of much desired sleep
somehow i feel refreshed and somehow i feel cheated
i kind of messed up my biological clock and mealtime
lunch tastes weird at this hour. the bean sprouts taste sour, the steamed egg stinks
and the rice soggy
right now i feel so aimless there are many things that i can do right now
but it is just so hard to choose

arbitary solace

here i am sitting in a spacious hall at a friend's place
with 4 jokers areound me either focused on the sony black box right in front of me
or on the 14 inch ACER monitor
i don't know why i am up at such an ungodly hour
i don't know why am i actually here
i don't know what am i going to do right after i complete this entry
but all i do know is that
it's great to be away from home

it's funny how parents can still hold such tight constraints on a 19 year old
so funny that i term it strange
in the beginning i thought that my parents were complete bitches
perpetually bitching me and "running" my life
but it is only until today, tonight
that i realise that there are people worse off than me
it's true that maturity is an essential aspect in a parent's trust for a child
it is also true that maturity does not come with age
but little do most parents know that they have to put their child's life on the anvil
to be forged and shaped by the furnace of life in order to grow

not many people think the way like me
i do not blame them
neither do i blame myself
for that makes up a person's individuality
for without it
humans would be mere robots of society

what is life actually
birth, childhood,school,work,marriage,family,birth,death
is it that cyclic or is it worth more
it is all up to us

the path of life has already been planned
the outcome destined
is is only the journey that is unknown

not many people may see things the way i do
some may term me eccentric,weird,spastic or downright cynical
but hey
that's me, johnny

out of reach

long way from home,
lost by an echo, i'd never of known
i've got pictures to prove i was there,
but you don't care
here's me overseas, across a pond by the Dover peaks
i've smuggled myself into new nationalities, you think yo'd be proud of me
there's room to believe, out of mind, out of sight, out of reach
start over is no way to begin

-get up kids