anima

another day, another life,another time without a wife
always assumming the worst
i've been living in a hearse
negative things breed negative thoughts
which never often should be sought

so many restrictions
so little transparency
mounting to invisible discrepancies

a life to be happy
a life to be free
all i'm living
is a life to be history

how long will this last
this immortal pain
the agony the torture
this mindless enclosure

silent ramblings are of no use
silent grief breaks the heart
but the only thing breaking is my heart
it weeps it bleeds for its wounds are endless

it weeps it bleeds it bleedeth for thee

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sleepless

it's 4.30 in the morning, exactly 2.5 hours after i last put myself to bed
the fact that there is church service tomorrow doesn't seem to help
at all.
not at all.

if i don't wake up on time for church in 5 hours to come
my parents would start bitching.
i wonder if they know that a person who goes to church regularly
may not necessarily be considered a christian
neither is one who doesn't.
to me, personally christianity is a relationship, not a religion
and attending chuch or not doesn't really reflect on your holiness
or image as the worldy termed "christian"
many would term me strange or call me blasphemous
but i don't really care
trust me, a guy who's trying to sleep but unable to is writing here.

right now it's as if i'm living in a waking dream
engaging in activities so important yet so meaningless
writing this entry is one of them
i wonder if EMO has to do with any of this
but no. i am EMO. this may sound cheesy i know.

i've gotten in and out of my bed 5 times already
when will i be able to sleep
this is another one of those days where
sleep tortures me.

aimless LIFEliness

spent yet another day wandering around the island looking
for exotic fishes/amphibians/salamanders
come to think of it, a total transit of 9 buses and a s**tload
of walking was done today compared to yesterday's biking escapade

at the end of the day. i got nothing.

sometimes i wonder why life is so similar to what i just experienced today
we come into this world unclothed
and leave this place with only clothes and probably,
a pretty box with lacquer and varnish.
along the way, we probably meet some nice souls around
but does it add up at all

man is such a pain in the ass.

making rules, building cities, printing money, killing man
abusing power,wielding knives,holding guns,having fun

at the end of the day. he gets nothing

new pet in da house

as mentioned earlier
i wasted the day,
located my liver and
had 10 hours of useless sleep
to redeem myself, i went out with my other fren who did the same thing as me
and got myself a new pet.
it's a newt (dunno the species) and it definetly kicks ass
my mum was like "what the hell is that!?!?" when she saw it
but right now it's slacking in a pet habitat container
probably freezing in the air-conditioned room

there's one pet i would like to get though
a snakehead
if any of u people reading this knows where to find one,
pls pls pls pls pls tell me
it'll really help me get my 3 feet tank back from my mum
who's currently rearing 2 miserable Flower Horns (what a stupid name)
or what the chinks would call "luo han"

what an idiot

i am such an idiot
i just woke up after like 10 hours of sleep and here's the best part
i found my liver AGAIN
it's located just below the diaphragm i think
cos it was hurting like hell after last night's vodka session
another wasted day i guess
cest la vie

pointless clamourings

bits and bytes are wearing me down
refresh after refresh i begin to frown
upon my head lays a crown
a sigh, a curse, a silent hearse
i stumple, i slip and eternally weep
why must my picture be painted with toil
dust upon dust, soil to soil
Ender with save me that i know
i will continue this useless poem before it snows
to the dinner table i shall go

aimless

i just woke up from 8 hours of much desired sleep
somehow i feel refreshed and somehow i feel cheated
i kind of messed up my biological clock and mealtime
lunch tastes weird at this hour. the bean sprouts taste sour, the steamed egg stinks
and the rice soggy
right now i feel so aimless there are many things that i can do right now
but it is just so hard to choose

arbitary solace

here i am sitting in a spacious hall at a friend's place
with 4 jokers areound me either focused on the sony black box right in front of me
or on the 14 inch ACER monitor
i don't know why i am up at such an ungodly hour
i don't know why am i actually here
i don't know what am i going to do right after i complete this entry
but all i do know is that
it's great to be away from home

it's funny how parents can still hold such tight constraints on a 19 year old
so funny that i term it strange
in the beginning i thought that my parents were complete bitches
perpetually bitching me and "running" my life
but it is only until today, tonight
that i realise that there are people worse off than me
it's true that maturity is an essential aspect in a parent's trust for a child
it is also true that maturity does not come with age
but little do most parents know that they have to put their child's life on the anvil
to be forged and shaped by the furnace of life in order to grow

not many people think the way like me
i do not blame them
neither do i blame myself
for that makes up a person's individuality
for without it
humans would be mere robots of society

what is life actually
birth, childhood,school,work,marriage,family,birth,death
is it that cyclic or is it worth more
it is all up to us

the path of life has already been planned
the outcome destined
is is only the journey that is unknown

not many people may see things the way i do
some may term me eccentric,weird,spastic or downright cynical
but hey
that's me, johnny

out of reach

long way from home,
lost by an echo, i'd never of known
i've got pictures to prove i was there,
but you don't care
here's me overseas, across a pond by the Dover peaks
i've smuggled myself into new nationalities, you think yo'd be proud of me
there's room to believe, out of mind, out of sight, out of reach
start over is no way to begin

-get up kids

painful joy

in deafening silence a hermit dwells
actor of life, survivour of the swells
he aches , he weeps in silent grief
for his heart has been stolen by a thief
the thief supreme, the thief discreet
for this is on thief timely unique

in deafening silence a warrior dwells
child-like is he among the quells
he's lonely, yet composed
of health hale
despite Life's hails

in defening silence a young man weeps
of life's toils and pleasures to meet
he wonders why, he wonders how
how hard he wonders
time will not tell

perhaps life was meant to be discovered
perhaps pain was meant to be felt
perhaps love was meant to break us
perhaps joy was meant to heal
perhaps hope is comforting

but in the end we all break down
when reality kicks in

what is heartbreak without pain
what is pain without wounds
what is memory without scars
what is life without memory
nothing. indeed. nothing.

AUGUST IN BETHANY

with the sounds of the ocean crashing 7:30 friday
evening everything comes tumbling down i choke
back each tear that bleeds i'd rather rest forever in
your arms i'd rather stay here than go but i know
that i should leave as i sit here helpless don't go
you said you wouldn't you said you couldn't i think
of our time together is it fading am i dreaming
everything you said lives on i cherish our memories
i want to kiss your tears away tonight it's hard to
give up the one you never thought you'd leave don't
go your eyes see through my soul don't go you say
as i walk out the door.

brett detar

obsession

it's 4 + in the morning and i am stil awake
not because of insomia
but because of the ps2
in my house is a clown who like me,
have decided to game for the whole night once more
the difference : he has school...and i don't

i'd most probably be skipping my lecture tomorrow
1 hour of lecture half hour of leaning; in my opinion

i've started to wonder abt the meaning of life once again
how it all adds up
how it all began
it's going to be another though provoking month
pray for me

here is now

the wait is over
i finally got my damn PS2 today
although i am $650 poorer, i'm sure i did not make a wrong choice in investing in such a console.
it has been 9 years since i last owned a game console
what have i been doing then?
i was probably too oblivious of the gaming world outside of my shores
anyway i'm writing this blog for the record.
let's just hope the ps2 would not be my downfall
i'm off ..to the games

question of life

i finally drowned today.
i saw the signs yet did not bother preparing
PWA finally killed me
Soon the other modules will skin me
softly, gently peeling me
cell by cell, skin by skin
until all that remains is but a tormented soul

many have fallen, many have failed
yet up till tdy i still hailed
pride comes before a fall
why is it that i fell
when i did not have pride at all

how apt it should be termed life is beautiful
when the only beautiful thing is death itself
my lamentations would never be understood
until the day death comes

if only i could walk away
if only i could sleep
i'd never be forced
to carry on this pointless feat

what is it that i seek
i asked a tree
it did not respond

indeed.

reqium for microsoft

some damn thing always happens they say
just 2 days(or maybe 1; i've lost touch of time) ago i reformatted my laptop
only to have it boot up slower than before

and now i'm doing another reformat
on my haunted desktop.
everything went well before the format...
until xp started to mess up

it's alright, a simple reformat would do was what i told myself
but never did i expect that xp ould screw me up again
this time...networking was not possible

here at 2.35 am, monday morning
where i sould be clearing movies or probably biking around
i am seated
in my cold solemn den
nursing a runny nose from God knows where i got it from
and installing windows 2000 professional

if bill gates was right in front of me
i would burn all my microsoft products
and probably feed him my hard disk.

if the world did not depend so much on microsoft as it depended on evil
if the world did not use computers but do things the traditional way
if the world would stop and think about what are they living for actually
if the world did not exist
if the world would suddenly end too soon
what did we work for
what did we live for
if the world would suddenly end
virtual reality and reality
would be no more

what time is it ?

the title wasn't chosen because it rung a bell to the country's beer
but rather, because i really want to know
the whole of saturday has been turned upside down
i hit the sack at around 8 in the morning only to wake up at 1300 hours
talk about nocturnal
i hate myself.
instead of making time worth the while i HAD to play warcraft 3
until i fell asleep at 7pm only to wake up at 10pm
what an idiot. but anyway, if not now..then when?
i'm going to force myself to sleep right now
now

a new day has come

the time is 0716 hours.
i've been awake for around 20 hours already
the nightmare began at 1800hrs friday,12 of july when NP screwed up my laptop
my laptop is stil screwed right now
it takes about a minute to boot up.
why did they invent computers in the first place
to me, it has always been regarded as virtual maintainence

i haven't configured it for the NP network yet..but hopefully i'll be able to do it later today..
if some kind soul would wake me up
i won't be going to bed after this blog...but raather installing the rest of the software which i deem important.
wish me godspeed

free me, please

as i speak, the other part of me is being formatted
however, as much as it wants to be formatted
it can't
there's always a glitch at 49%
a soul told me that it's most likely an addressing error
i hate my laptop's build in RAM
it screws everything up
i hate NP
it was the cause of all this shit

it's amazing how God balances the world
with the rich being utterly stupid
and the poor having all the logic sense in the world
and in this case..a school which educates
and the staff which just messes up the lives of the students
pretty people with ugly minds
ugly people with pretty minds
sometimes the gold you find
can actually be shit in disguise

as i type, another format has failed again
i'm trying to format the hard drive in FAT32 format this time
but what's the use of having a pretty wife
without being able to see her in all her glorious beauty?
this is what i'm feeling now
windows 2000 professional with a FAT32 file format
the worlds biggest joke of the day
how i wish Bill died and never existed
that way at least i won't be worrying abt file formats

new addICtion

i have a new found addiction
it's not tar or ethanol
but blood
the blood lust contained in warcraft 3
it's a pretty nice game although still dry as ever
i feel that i'm an extremist
because i am currently playing like crazy even though it's my final year at NP
talk about bad childhood

perhaps it was because my holidays were taken away from em for attachment
or maybe because of my slack timetable
but whatever the cause
i hope someone would really wake me up from my dream
the waking dream which i'm living each day
when will she come?

God, please send me an angel.

juxtoposed

i've finally bothered to blog again. sometimes i wonder how this would help me.
i blog and blog and blog and it's still the same me
does it affect anything or anyone or any situation in life
if it did, it's terrible
if it didn't it's terrible

i finally completed my vtp report within a span of 3 hours
3 hours of bullshitting i hope it pays off
wasting all my cranium and printer ink.
oh by the way i smashed my epson 680 and bought an HP deskject 948c

my timetable for school is slack
too slack for a slack person like me
i'm starting to doubt it.
somehow...i have this weird feeling that some shit is going to hit me hard again
some damn thing always happens they say

when will the dream end
when will i finally see the shrouded sun
to live in darkness is to see the light
but only in darkness can you see the light