a future so bleak

i've suddenly got the inspiration to write again
not because i was inspired, but i was de-inspired to a stage that i have to let this out.
the world is suddenly ugly again
it has switched its mask overnight
from nice
to heart wrenching

a friend of mine just fell away
disregarded himself from the rest of the gang
in mortal flesh his presence still holds
but mindfully he has left
the only remnant being his grey matter.

how longer will people stay
how long more till they hold sway
is it that hard to walk the path of righteousness
and its rewards better than happiness?

everyday i battle with my inner self
to do the right things, refrain from those wrong
i've had more victories but defeats are looming
enstranged boy in enstranged society

just what do people want
just what do i want

answers in life are paradoxes
actions of joy will become actions of sorrow
actions of grief will become actions of comfort
why is the world so messed up
why does it ever exist in the first place.
friends,family,lovers,children
they all vanish when you die.

here with me

in my head
i have dreams
i have visions of many things
questions flooding my mind

pictures fill my head
i feel so trapped instead
but trapped doesn't seem so bad
this dysfunctional me

in my heart I had hope
built on dreams that somehow wouldn't show
answers to love lost
visions fill my head

i felt so trapped instead
but trapped didn't seem so bad
this timid me

it doesn't mean anything
the way i act
the way i fret
but I am still trapped

I need her here with me
I need her here with me

the very one word i hate

a person, an entity , an object
best ally, worst enemy ; the subject
relationships forged, relativity broken
words of kindness often spoken

he backs you up ,pulls you down
makes and breaks your very soul

sometimes i wonder why he exists
no man is an island
neither is he an archipelago
the world is made up of islands
so why the phrase

many a time i have been struck down
many a time my face is frowned
but never a time have i been the clown
the clown of a trusted friend.

why does avarice rule the world
why does lust rule over love
why do thousands suffer
while the very trival
wade in luxury

good vs evil
love vs hate
morality vs immorality

why do such thigns exist

the very word which disappoints me time and again

friend. i hate that word

a blinding truth

it's my last day of work tomorrow
somehow i feel a sense of loss
not because i lost my holidays to stinking VTP (vacation training prog)
not because i lost precious time which could be used for other things
but the loss of belonging
being at NIE was a blessing
with a neat environment and neat people
it was totally l33t.
to have such a working place for attachment
was definetly a miracle in messed up singapura

lunch with mr tan and eric at swensen's today was revealing
although i had my eyes on the chick behind the 2 giants most of the time
if only we had lunch earlier..if only

perhaps it's the emotional side of me
perhaps i got too attached to the place
people will never know
only i will

anyway there's use lamenting about tomorrow's departure
another school term has begun
with new friendships to be made
and broken.

it has never happened if the memory is not there
human memory is just a record

you can't write that record

the story so far

in case you guys do not already know, i've been working at NIE for the past 1 and 3/4 month.
today is the 4th last day of work
i just can't wait for it to end
not that i hate to work or anything
but due to other reasons which only my closest buddies will know / can deduce about
througout the past week i've been rushing to finish everything so that i can enjoy my last few days of work at nie
and i've been doing that since then
day in day out bytes of my hardisk are being used and unused
what's the cause? -----> movies
i think i've watched around 20 or more movies already
i'm getting seriously lethargic
anyway the thought of school reatsrting is already getting into my soul
affecting me in every enjoyment which i am about to embark on
the fact that i'll be in year 3 and the letters FYP are aready freaking me out
things will be tougher this year
with a fallen star which i can no longer meet up with in school and go back with
no love of my life
and better still
no decent number of people which i can really trust when it comes to projects
but like they always say "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"
i'll screw them all

someday the dream will end

[FMV: Yuna continues the sending, on the airship. In the background, the Aeons are floating around, and Sin falls down, exploding in a MASSIVE blanket of yellowish energy that spans a huge distance. The Airship floats above the cloud of yellow. We see the Aeons, floating around, get sent. Sin's fin explodes in a huge burst of energy as well. On Mount Gagazet, the fayths turns to stone, and the pillar of blue energy turns into a ball of water, then vanishes into many water bubbles. In the bubbles, we see images of the people of the dreamworld; Tidus is one of them. Back on the airship, Tidus looks at himself, as he begins to fade. Yuna shakes her head]

Yuna
"No."

Tidus
"Yuna, I have to go."
"I'm sorry I couldn't show you Zanarkand."
"Goodbye!"

Wakka
"Hey!"

Rikku
"We're gonna see you again...?"

Kimahri
"Yuna!"

[Yuna runs to Tidus and passes through him. Everyone gasps. He looks at his hands; pyreflies fly up from his body. Yuna, lying down, watches a pyrefly fly up in front of her face. They go into the air. Yuna stands up; their backs are facing each other]

Yuna
"I love you."

[Tidus turns and faces her back, a sad look on his face. Yuna faces forward solemnly. He walks up to her from behind and wraps his partially-fading arms around her. He fades through her body, walking forward. We see a final shot of the group; Kimahri and Lulu are showing little to no emotion, though Lulu does do a small wave. Yuna's still staring forward. Rikku is jumping and waving. Wakka looks sad and dejected, almost like he said/did something wrong. Tidus, burying his anguish, turns around and sprints to the edge of the airship, and jumps off. He floats down through the clouds, and vanishes...we see Braska, Auron, and Jecht. Jecht sticks out his hand; Tidus slaps it]

[Scene change; on a dock in Luca (presumably) looking out to sea. Yuna whistles. She breathes, and whistles again. Lulu walks up the dock]

Lulu
"Yuna, it's time."

[Yuna turns around and walks to Luca Stadium, which is behind her. We see an overview of the stadium, with no blitzball waterball. However, the stands are packed and everyone's cheering. Yuna is standing on a balcony looking at the people]

Yuna
"Everyone...everyone has lost something precious."
"Everyone here has lost homes, dreams, and friends."
"Everybody..."
"Now, Sin is finally dead."

[They clap. We see a shot of Yuna: standing behind her, to her right and left are Rikku and Wakka, respectively]

Yuna
"Now, Spira is ours again."
"Working together..."
[Lulu is shown, then Wakka, Kimahri, and Rikku]
"Now we can make new homes for ourselves, and new dreams."
"Although I know the journey will be hard, we have lots of time."
"Together, we will rebuild Spira."
"The road is ahead of us, so let's start out today."
[She turns around. Wakka nods, and the rest of the group seems happy. She turns back to the crowd, who are cheering wildly]
"Just, one more thing..."
"The people and the friends that we have lost, or the dreams that have faded..."
[We see quick shots of FMV's from the game. In order, they are: Kimahri growling, Rikku on the airship deck looking around, Lulu, Auron, and Wakka looking around at Zanarkand in Guadosalam, Seymour kissing Yuna, and the scene with Tidus and Yuna at the lake, culminating in an overview of that area of Macalania Woods. Yuna is then shown, as a small pyrefly flies by her face. The screen goes black; the pyrefly continues to float and flies off-screen]
"Never forget them."

the end of a dream

i just completed final fantasy 10 a few minutes ago
the ending was disappointing
Tidus, the main lead did not end up with Yuna, the female lead after all
he was a dream dreamt up by people whose souls were trapped (fayth) and used as "Aeons"
(or something like that...all FF games are slightly messed up)
to help rescue Spira (the world where Yuna and her friends live in)
from Sin (which is this moron called Yu Yevon combined by an aeon).

what was seen as hope was actually a dream
tidus was a dream
tidus was not real
so is hope then, real?
or is it like what Yunalesca (another character) said ?
that hope was..comforting
it was to provide false happiness to lessen a tradgedy

this game has either made me more messed up or wiser
i guess it's both of the above

false hope

england just lost to brazil a few minutes ago
think world cup is screwed
if that's the case
senagal will hold the 2002 world cup already
what is hope then?
it is a false entity which comforts people
rather than facing the tragic truth itself
hope was there to comfort us
to ease the pain
it never changes the outcome
nor lessens the effects of the tradgedy
i wish you godspeed, senagal

stranded

You know it only breaks my heart
to see you standing in the dark
oh, waiting there for me
to come back
I'm too afraid to show

it's coming over you
like its coming over me
crashing like a tidal wave
that drags me out to sea
and I wanna be with you
if you wanna be with me
crashing like a tidal wave
and i don't wanna be
stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded

but I can only take so much
these tears are turning me to rust
I know, you're waiting there for me
to come back
I'm too afraid to show

I miss you
I need you
without you i'm stronger
I love you
so come back, i'm not afraid to show...

Hippocrates

"I swear by Apollo by Physician, by Asclepius, by health by Panacea and by all the gods and goddesses, making them my witnesses, that I will carry out, according to my ability and judgment, this oath and this indenture. To hold my teacher in this art equal to my own parents; to make him partner in my livelihood, when he is in need of money to share mine with him; to consider his family as my own brothers, and to teach them this art, if they indenture; to impart precept, oral instruction, and all other instruction to my own sons, the sons of my teacher, and to indentured pupils who have taken the Physician's oath, but to nobody else. I will use treatment to help the sick according to my ability and judgment, but never with a view to injury and wrongdoing. Neither will I administer a poison to anybody when asked to do so, nor will I suggest such a course. Similarly I will not give to a woman a peccary to cause abortion. But I will keep pure and holy both my life and my art. I will not use the knife, not even, verily, on sufferers from stone, but I will give place to such as are craftsmen therein. Into whatsoever houses I enter, I will enter to help the sick, and I will abstain from all intentional wrong-doing and harm, especially from abusing the bodies of man or woman, bond or free. And whatsoever I shall see or hear in my intercourse with men, if it be what should not be published abroad, I will never divulge, holding such things to be holy secrets. Now if I carry out this oath, and break it not, may I gain forever reputation among all men for my life and for my art, but if I transgress it and foreswear myself, may the opposite befall me."

my story

this is my story.
it started the day i was born
when there was still Sin in the world
Sin is still present today

listen my story
for this may be the last chance ...
i've been searching for a missing person all my life
to understand him better
be his good buddy in times of need

this person, this friend
has the many faces of a chameleon
he laughs and cries
sulks and frowns
loves and hates

he isn't well liked by his other friends though
some think him eccentric
while others plainly, cocky
but no one would understand him better than me

he has since left with the door open
the only memory of him is my sole self alone
is there really hope of finding him back?
but what is hope in the first place...

isn't it an illusion for us to look forward to in tragic times and prove futile in the end?
hope is to comfort isn't it
it is false hope incognito.

this is my story...but i will find my own ending

melecholy

it's me again. just got back from a friend's place
i was suppossed to help him out with his com stuff but being the infidel
i failed once more
it's no big deal to fail but being who i am
i feel real pissed about it.
false hope wrecks tue heart we know
but how often do we really bother to disallw it to occur.

isn't it ironic

the standards placed by society all seem so politically correct
yet we do not bother about others feelings
the beggar on the street deserves our pity
but how often do we think otherwise
that maybe he got his fingers burnt in the green back
or the evils he'd committed in his life

another day another time
time is just a waste of time
caught in endless spiral
a cycle of life
it never ends , it never starts

terminal velocity

it's 2.58am...well according to my computer clock and i've just stopped playing ffx
i could have gone deeper into the game..but due to a car accident which i went to check out,
i figured i had to put myself in bed by 3.15am

the car which crashed was a cool black volkswagon golf.
urprisingly, most of the car was intact except for the left frontal end of the car which bent a traffic light as a result of the accident
not bad for a china made car you say?
cool.
anyway..it was really predictable..
imagine this:

you're playing ffx and at mt Gagazet trying to acquire Yojimbo when u hear the sound of fast accelaration from a bin center 200 metres away from your home
and then u expect the screeching of tyres
it comes
and then...you wait for the sound of crushed metal
you wait..and wait...
and surprisingly....it comes!

i'm not trying to be a sadist or evil person here...but face the facts....accidents are inevitable in life right
the guy was alright..he seemed shaken though (DUH)
and it was clear that he wasn't drinking.

then why the accident?
well life's a bitch and then you die
some damn thing always happens at the rightfully wrong time

work

this is what my desktop looks like right now....work is hell

isnt't it beautiful ?

(My) heart is swimming in words
formed by the wind.
(My) voice carried
by a cloudy tommorrow.

A mirror moved
by the moon, trembled my heart.
Soft tears
filled with a stream of stars.

Isn't it beautiful?
Two of us walking hand in hand.
I want to go to
your town, your home, your arms.

I dream of lying
against your chest.
My body in your clasp,
disappearring into the evening.

Words stopped by the wind
are a gentle illsion.
A cloud-torned tommorrow is
a far-away voice.

My heart has been
in a moon-blocked flowing
mirror.
Stars that swayed and flowed
can't hide my tears.

Isn't it beautiful?
Two of us walking hand in hand.
I want to go to
your town, your home, your arms.

I dream of your face
that softly melts in the
morning.

withdrawal symptoms

i am beginning to experience withdrawal symptoms from FFX.
and it's only freaking 10:16am!

that very existence

ffx has surely spoilt my brain.
this time the story is based on a group of helpless humans wanting to kill "Sin"
the sole enemy which has been terrorizing mankind for many years
everytime they kill Sin, it get's reborn. if that is the case
what is the very use of trying.

anyway like all ff games it has questioned existence.
what is our very existence on this earth for
were we put here for a purpose ...
or do we shout and scream to emphasize our existence which would fail to exist at any moment?
how are destiny,fate,chance , life,death,existence related
do any of the above really exist?
i am still searching.
but the more i search, the more messed up it becomes.
so why search...

morning night

i hate the day today. was woken up at 7.30am by my dad and blinded by the sun
i wonder when my dad would fix the damn venetian blinds.
i feel so damn sleepy now. thankfully it's friday and i'll only have to work for haf a day tomorrow. act. i don't .
i just figured that tomorrow's salary is easy money.
amias will be gone for 4 days and i'll be all alone in the world of ffx with no one to seek advice from
in a way it's cool as my companion has always been loneliness

jaded

i've just to fic again. i've decided to fic regulary from now on now that i have a not-so-impressively-funcational website and blog, I still have to get my butt on the comment system thingy. there's just so much shit to do...but no time to do it.damn. holidays were usually taken granted by me but now that i am working, time is just so precious. i have barely time to do my own stuff--johnny's stuff. also been in pms mode recently i don't know why also. it's all about everything: friends, family, love,hate,disappointment,false hope,delusions,fantasies,dreams,horror and bitter reality. it's all about the world,people,goo vs evil , morals,obligations etc.
i hate this earth. i hate this world.
seriously.
i think i am sufferring from mood swings.
spat.

peace

sitting right here in a half empty office,
i can't help but feel at peace.
this temporal solace i so wanted to have
will be in no time shattered
when everyone comes back from lunch.....

i've got an hour and a half before i look up my supervisor
and boy am i bored
after finishing a few servlets
i can't help but feel slack
after all, i've earned them.

nie's a wonderful place
sadly it's so far away from home
the view from here is quite cool to hate too
anyway...it's time to stop crapping.

where is your peace today?