melancholic

the beauty of words
and splendour of thoughts
what could have been
what might have been
impression upon impression
just a mere impressions
perceptions, conjured up by
melecholic feelings
wanting to release wanting to escape
but alas, like dreams
life goes on
irregardless of feelings.

famous last words

"i'm not ready yet"
"i won't be gone a minute"
"i'll do it later"
"i feel so tired right now"
"after this nap"
"sian ahhhh"
"i've got no inspiration"
"maybe tomorrow"

self disappointment (again!)

very smart jonathan.
you spent the whole night with the initial intention of doing research and ended up reading blogs and doing other non-research stuff on the Internet.
Now the sky's turning to light and you haven't slept.
well done.

waking up.

referring to my previous post; after sitting at my desk for approximately 15 minutes.

i think i have to fucking wake up my idea right now.

so much have been said
so little done.
the price has been paid
but nothing's been won.

somehow or other i don't know why the hell am i so restless.
maybe the lights went out after the first 3 months
maybe i saw the aimlessness of it all
but why did i hold on? and continue to do so
for love for hope for glory or soul
either one i have not behold.

without passion we would all truly be dead.
but can we force passion to revive
like a pheonix in the sky
arising from its ashes?
an optimist always looks at the pheonix in that majestic light
but have they ever wondered that it has been cursed with the process
of repetition.
dying and arising till the end of time

the emerald dream

its been yet a while since i last updated my blog.
somehow blogging seems to have lost all meaning to me
penning down ponders and bitching seems to have taken its toll on my
yet already demented mind
May is finally here and hell, its 5 months more till my thesis submission
And i have done jack squat
well done johnny
although somehow there is this voice in me which tells me that
everything would be alright in the end
i somehow sense that deep shit will come flooding my way.
deadline after deadline seems to pass me by
which moron told me that "as a postgraduate you will never have to chase deadlines"
he probably majored in marketing i guess.
am i in oblivion
or have i gone numb

what if i

in this distant land on this distant day
thoughts of homecoming seem to fade away
sleeping within boarded walls
life seems to be so apt
made of empty and hollow halls
ghosting thru life so aimlessly
goal in mind but flesh behind
what utter dismay is the spirit within
is greatness that hard to hold
and kindess so hard to bear
sanity is but just a word
and deadlines such a reality
what is the value of success
and success of having value
in this world of grey this day
i would be better off with
artificial intelligence

hands of time

it's been a while since i last had such a night
alone in the study, lights out with the iridescent glow of pixels on my skin
after being back for 4 weeks it is only at this moment where that sense of familiarity returns to me
somehow so much has changed over the span of 10 months that it's really hard to swallow it all
people change i guess, moral values, opinions and lifestyles
and sometimes holding on to the past doesn't seem to aid in anything at all
i can't help but be sad.
tirisfal cries for me.

on a lighter note 2008 has started off pretty well; i hope it stays that way although looking back, i seriously do not feel that i have grown. i should be worrying indeed. i guess it's a motivation issue after all. it's depressing really with only 10 days left.

once upon a time
i had half the mind
to ease their miseries
until that day i died
i have always tried
to stand on the bright side
i can see now
why people eat and die alone
living souls which
were never whole
it's all about lifestream.

welcome to the new world

it's been ages since i last made a entry..so this will probably be an uber epic post of to kick of the nu year. hmm lets see. i stopped at 16 Nov. Lotsa shit went by since then. like.. i got a new pet..maxy so there's like 2 of them right now. amazing how i can't remember what else happened. oh there was a conference which i attended which further made me sympathise with the state of the world. Towards Christmas there was this 36 hr long extended shopping hours at chermside shopping centre where for the first time in my life i actually saw life outside the usual sleeping hours of Australia. it was a powerful revelation indeed. After that it was back to Singapore to spend the actual Christmas. But, as usual i had to meet retards... this time in the plane when the person sitting in front of me had to recline his seat to the max to piss me off. not forgetting the customs who made me fill up 4 ziplock bags with fish oil capsules....i personally felt that the instructions werent clear, they said no liquids or gels. but didn't say gels in medication or supplements. anyway i thought medication was allowed? what aout creams? Are they considered gels as well or are they just creams? they arent really liquid ..semi solid. they ought to be more specific and include more retard-proof incidents from happenning. i'm a retard yeah. so explain to me. sadness. well i landed on the night of 21st dec and had to immediately rush back home, separate some gifts and head down to tras street to meet the NS guys for a quick Christmas gift exchange. by that time someone had already got wasted and was lying on the couch...i'm sorry i took 2 mins to recognise who he was whahaha but anyways, it was great seeing them after 10 mths of isolation down under. Christmas also came and went like nothing last year... it's quite depressing really...cos after waiting for 364 days all i got was a a crappy family dinner and another less crappy dinner at my uncle's new place. lotsa shit had happened to everyone this year...mos tof them too depressing to even remember. so that was it..Christmas gone in 2 days. wtf. memories. are they worth keeping when there is an impending possibility of new memories being formed being disappointing? what have we become now. junkies of temporal pleasures or self indulgement so much that we have lost our soul?

2007 was a shit year for me. hopefully 2008 would be kind-er and piss me off less. although 2007 was a fucked up year, it did give me some new found friends. but then again nothin lasts forever. looking back, i feel that i have not grown one bit last year. which is kinda pathetic knowing that i have wasted a year doing squat and wading in oblivion.

may 2008 be legendary then. may it be so.

noise

strolled with myself one fine day
to margaret street
in hope and prayerful promise
of a productive day in school
and be greeted by wonderful noise

noise which pisses you off
and within seconds i am back in hell
with ranting demons surrounding me
a gnome complained of not having enough sleep last night
while an elf listened intently
a leper gnome shouted across the labyrinth
in utter foolish joy

and so half the day is wasted,
listening to all these noise
how much more shall i waste
before i see the light of night.

words

says let
a sordidgirl friend
as mad like me was
though beneath flooding blood

never play this behind time
they think it is delirious
i need not sit neat death
and smell her hair

put on some black love
soar over a lake of
void chains
water and rain
bitter like red beauth

your shadow must always
have a place for you

together these delicate dreams
will take power
from my sleep.

overheard on MSN


NF: ivalice expire liao?
V: yeah thu. my internet was suppossed to be cut 32 mins ago but dunno why still got
NF: cos they r sleeping? no. i think they r raiding thats why.
V: ......

still surviving

and so here i am once again
sitting in front of my
window to the world.
typing thinking wondering
how i managed to survive my confirmation.
i did.
but right now i don't know wtf am i suppossed to do.
will i live like this forever?
sleepwalk through my life's endeavour
looking back, the burning question of
"did you make the right choice in choosing research" has been
haunting me.
as much as i would like ot say "no" it has somehow
witheld me from saying yes either
because seriously,
i have never thought about so much shit in my life.
but then again thoughts will be thoughts
and the only time when you can live your dream
is to wake up from it.

Raison D’être

ahh, traversing over many nights
frozen dreams and fading tears
warm me warm me me wrap me!
i hate this body
that can't love anymore
i don't see the end no matter how far i walk
dragging along the memories of the past
what colour will this body be tainted by?
i search for that answer

on dying

what do you do when you need help and
no one is around or able to help you?

you just die. and die and keep on dying until you can no longer die.
and if you're lucky, maybe you'll just end up in hell.
if not,
you just continue to die and die and die until you reach some kind of closure.

one just for the motions

it's been a while since i last filed an entry. well its probably nothing significant has been happenning in this boring life of mine. or rather, nothing that i feel significant has happened so far. well for starters, i'm still in my course despite having lost all "could have beens" in it. apathy i guess. its the new hate without much of the hoostility. oh well. gijas renewed my WoW account. thus pulling me deeper into my already lackadaisical lifestyle. i can just spend days awake without doing any shit and sti wonder why how the day passed. he time here has been voodooed i guess.

winter is over. spring is here. more daylight and more heat. my only favourite season is winter i guess. short days and longer nights. adds to the sense of urgency when the sky gets dark. nowadays the sun-rise timings aren't that sickening yet..probably from 5.45am? but it soon will be disgusting and it will be as bright as fuck in late spring i guess.

went to ekka this year and it's as boring as shit. cant imagine how they can not have a little bit of change in their lives. the showbags were the same except maybe for a few minor changes? add a sticker in showbag a and rename it to a1; throw in a lollipopp for showbag b this year and rename it showbag b2...it's easier to figure out compared to preschool maths. the only educational thing i learnt there was the making of honey, honeycombs beeswax etc. other that that it was just another trip to the science centre. jess didn't spend much this year which is kinda gd compared to the number of showbags we bought last yr. she recently told me "i don't want to read cosmopolitin" anymore..because she feels retarded after reading the unnecassary shit in it or "things which i don't need to know". mus have been hard on her having to downgrade from cleo to cosmo...sigh

you know what, this sucks. i'm going to watch claymore now. blood in the morning, helps global warming.

The world spins madly on

i woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on
Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

-the weepies

downloading

V: eh now cannot download videos in sg ah
R: can but preferably not anime n mp3 n movies
V: wtf! then wat cna we download? air ah.
R: Surf net lor
V: i don;t need a cable connection to surf the net. a 14.4kbps modem is enough
R: that's life.
V: its like giving me toilet paper without allowing me to wipe my ass.

emortified

amias came over to visit last thursday. for 3 days and 2 nights apparantely before heading off to sydney. it was pretty refreshing getting to see him again and somehow the shittiness of life just went away. but as life always has it, i was unable to spend the expected quality time with him as i had a last minute meeting which messed up our plans. somehow i felt really bad being unable to bring him to my usual haunts because of the shortage fo time. he even had to forgo his whale watching trip cos of heavy winds (and he had to travel all by himself down to the gold coast). and so we showed him brisbane to the best of our ability before sending him off. Davian and his 2 other friends came over the next evening on sunday and of course, it was refreshing to meet someone i knew again. his friends were pretty alright too. and again we hung out in the city (we could have gone to further places but the car was too small) and they had to leave the evening after.

one thing i found out though. after amias and davian left, i felt shitty again and the question of memories came back to my mind. is having 1 minute of a happy memory more worth it than a year of hell? because when you are in hell, thinking of that happy memory is enough to make you feel like shit. because you had and experienced that happy memory but know you can never get it back. i think i would rather not have that memory. because hell is hell and no matter what you do it will still be hell. the aftermath really sucks. and now i understand how cold my house is.

the sun took my light away
it even took away the shape of the moon
tomorrow never comes until it's too late

The Song of Despair

The memory of you emerges from the night around me.The river mingles in its stubborn lament with the sea.Deserted like the wharves at dawn.It is the hour of departure, oh deserted one!Cold flower heads are raining in my heart.Oh pit of debris, fierce cave of the shipwrecked.In you the wars and the flights accumulatedFrom you the wings of the song birds rose.You swallowed everything, like distance.Like the sea, like time. In you everything sank!It was the happy hour of assault and the kiss.The hour of the spell that blazed like a lighthouse.Pilot�s dread, fury of a blind driver,turbulent drunkenness of love, in you everything sank.In the childhood of mist my soul, winged and wounded.Lost discoverer, in you everything sank!You girdled sorrow, you clung to desire,sadness stunned you, in you everything sank! I made the wall of shadow draw back,beyond desire and act, I walked on.Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman that I loved and lost,I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you.Like a jar you housed the infinite tendernessand the infinite oblivion shattered you like a jar.There was the black solitude of the islands,and there, woman of love, your arms took me in.There were thirst and hunger, and you were the fruit.There were grief and ruins, and you were the miracle.Ah woman, I do not know how you could contain mein the earth of your soul, in the cross of your arms!How horrible and brief was my desire of you!How difficult and drunken, how tensed and avid.Cemetery of kisses, there is still fire in your tombs,still the fruited boughs burn, pecked at by birds.Oh the bitter mouth, oh the kissed limbs,oh the hungering teeth, oh the entwined bodies.Oh the mad coupling of hope and forcein which we merged and despaired.And the tenderness, light as water and as flour.And the word scarcely begun on the lips.This was my destiny and in it was the voyage of my longing,and in it my longing fell, in you everything sank.Oh pit of debris, everything fell into you,what sorrow did you not express, in what sorrow are you not drowned!From billow to billow you still called and sang.Standing like a sailor on the prow of the vessel.You still flowered in songs, you still broke in currents.Oh pit of debris, open and bitter well.Pale blind diver, luckless slinger,lost discoverer, in you everything sank!It is the hour of departure, the hard cold hourin which the night fastens to all timetables.The rustling belt of the sea girdles the shore.Cold stars heave up, black birds migrate.Deserted like the wharves at dawn.Only the tremulous shadow twists in my hands.Oh farther than everything. Oh farther than everything.It is the hour of departure. Oh abandoned one!

-Pablo Neruda

whatever ...bitch

why is it that everyday
some damn thing always happens?

this blog is starting to be a bitchblog
and maybe one fine day i'll be able to
bind it up into a legendary bitchbook
to commemorate like what?
15 years of bitching?
it can't be 24. cos i only recall bitching in 2002

my bio clock's messed up again.
i think it's the night naps i've been taking from 8pm-10pm
and with that comes the ever sweet degradation of my soul
heaetburn, ennui, disdain, apathy, chills, gastric pains
not forgetting the fucking sun which rises at 5am daily.
ok 6++ now that it's winter.
disgusting.
we all live in a beautiful world

ooooh one tree hill just ended this week
and its coming back for a 5th season.
now how the hell did it surpass The O.C

the winter of my discontent

as i wade in the waters of uncertainty
my mind questions itself
on the maybes and whatifs
which i carelessly left behind without contemplating
their posibilites
would i be in a different light from now?
clearer skies or visions of fire
somehow something isn't right here
but holding on seems harder by the day
the wise men tell me that things will work out
but i somehow don't feel so
the changing oracles seem to make the
days bleed themselves
and it has been 4 bleeding months

this

looking back at the last time from where i stood
i have not moved an inch but learnt of this

this sickness in me to escape
this irony of life
this role-reversal
this weakness
this vengeful hate
this disappointment
this sadness
this lie.

darkness

does this darkness have a name
this cruelty this hathred
how did it find us
did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it?
what happened to us
that we now despise our neighbours and everyone around us who are
playing the game
hoping to find sweet redemption of our souls if we didn't change
but knowing that somehow we would succumb to it along the way
when did we lose our way
consumed by the shadows
swallowed whole by the darkness
engulfed by this pain
does this darkness have a name
is it your name

what's you're happiest moment in life?

being born.
and looked down upon.

losing myself

i can't help but think these days
sleepless nights in endless dreams
of what the world is and was to be
black and white makes it all grey
and the greyer it gets it fades away
looking all around me theres joy
yet sadness seems to be following behind
pieces of cyberspace bits of bytes
they all seem to have a relation
but what?
sometimes i wonder why am i here
the mere existence seems like a joke

what is the true nature of life
and what has it got to do with me

and life sucks on

3 weeks on back into the land of slow.
everything's fine the sun rises at 5 and my heart beats at half the rate it used to
i've finally gotten a roof over my head (thank God)
(and thank aunty mel and darren and gwen too
you made your place a shelter for the homeless haha)
without the luxury of internet.
forget luxury
i fucking need it.
cos without the internet
i am as good as lost in the woods

my house pretty swanky
although hot water still comes out whenever i turn ont eh "cold water" tap
i wonder if its a built in intelligent feature for the smart state
or was it merely a by-product of a dash of creativity gained from eating potatoes?

will bitch more when my Internet is up
in the meantime, i'm still alive. and bitching

finding emo

as the day draws near i can't help but feel emo abt it
going back to the land of slow internet speeds with capped bandwidth
and even though i'll probably miss friends and family, it would not be so bad if i had
been given better internet connectivity

as i go around the land gathering stuff for my departure i can't help but think "this is probably the last time i see this place until a year later" or "this is probably the last time i'll eat this until a year later" and though i will come back eventually, it'll not be as much as the close-to-3 month break which i have been enjoying since dec 06 till now. like they said all good things must come to an end

oh well. in the weeks to come i expect life to be pretty fucked up again, house-hunting, new-friends making, getting acclimatised back to the aussie way of life. thinking about it just makes me feel like a hypocrite. not to mention the challenges and shit that await me through the voyage of research.
thing's like "am i good enough, am i worthy , can i pull it off" keep ringing in my head and even as i pack, i'm wondering if i'm packing the right stuff. too many shirts? too many crew neck tees? how should a research student dress like? definetly not the way i dressed when i did my bachelor's (which was btw t-shirt berms and slippers) looking back i've been such a punk but who cares? it's australia anyway.

while i'm at this emo stage of shit i'd like to thank all the friends who have stuck by me while i was away the past year as well as those kind enough to come out and play while i was back. the pnsd guys especially, i really enjoyed the birthday sessions as well as the farewell meetup which we had yesterday. and not forgetting dennis the kok who didn't want anyone to know he was flying off cos he was afraid that he would cry, maybe, just maybe i would visit him during easter..plans are not that concrete yet.

I probably won't be meeting any of you guys anytime soon which brings me back to the "this is probably the last time i do something" shit. well at least we still can talk cock on msn or via my digital line. all the best and stay drunk.

remember. life sucks. take drugs.

back to packing!

cny 2007

time has passed me once more and i'm 1 week away from heading back to oz.
back to expensive meals
shops which close at 5
really spastic transport system
and slow internet

in the mean time:

xin nian kuai le,gong xi fa cai, wan shi ru yi, nian nian you yu, long ma jing shen,cai qi gun gun.

we all know we say this year in year out just for the sake of saying them. and i am too.

empty words mean nothing

the only words which i would really want to say to you guys are:
hope you get more red packet money and:

go hug a tree. it helps

may it be so

after 3 weeks of half-fuck grinding, ivalice has hit lvl 70. and the feeling of having a loss of what to do next hits me once more.
it's kind of mindless to be playing wow, oweing to the fact that i definetly won't commit to it fully because my attention span for things is so limited. yet somehow while grinding i felt the need to hit 70. why. call it an achievement; call it a need; call it a want cos' i don't really know how to define such shit again.

same goes to life. what happens after you've achieved something? you go on to bigger better things to achieve? for fuck man in the end we still die? so what if you're earning more money? most people i see around have so much money but they can't really enjoy it. strange fellas

and with only 3 weeks left before i head back to oz...life doesn't seem so happy anymore....cos i won't be able to get 24hr food /entertainment

may it be so.

When our time is up
When our lives are done
Will we say we've had our fun?
Will we make our mark this time?
Will we always say we tried?

faces

"because you'll have a shit time. and i'll have a shit time. but it doesn't matter if i'm having a shit time because they're my f-r-i-e-n-d-s, for better or worse. so every now and then i have to grit my teeth for having a shit time for the greater good"

look around you. and all you see are people the world would be better off without.

rain

rain. the only phenomenon in the sky which relates to us in every way.
and keeps my inner senses at ease.
recently it's been raining due to the north east monsoon.
probably my favourite time of the year after christmas
why? cos i just like it.
i don't give a shit if the world floods and drowns i hope it'll just keep on raining.
the sound of rain is able to soothe one to a lull and if you you're really bored, you can try running in it. it'll definetly wake up your idea
being in brisbane kind of deprived me of rain because it is better known as the "sunshine state" but at least it isn't humid there. oh well
there's a balance in this world all the same.

so far this year hasn't really started off on a good note, but i'm just giving it the benefit of the doubt that it IS still 2006 in the chinese lunar calendar and its just the end of the year that's messing me up. the near brushes of death on the roads and disgusting friends whom i deemed were friends merely disappointed me. well i do remember things and just like a nail that has been hammered into the fence and removed,

the mark still remains.

rain on.

and i am not talking abt the gay looking actor

the nu year

the hard cold rain beats down
relieving the inner senses in me
the dreams long gone have returned to haunting me
ominous phantoms of a life once led
somehow things do not seem to look up
in this new year
of a suppossedly fresh start

by virtue of death or through redemption
i hope i will be able to follow through

christmas eve

and so we are
christmas eve.
my favourite holiday i've waited for so long.
and soon it'll be over

what does christmas really mean to you?
it is so sad...just knowing that so many people celebrate christmas
without knowig its true meaning.
sadly, but true, christmas is becoming an over commercialised affair
strolling down orchard road tonight i saw so many morons equipped with santa hats and selling party items such as LED badges, foam sprays and what not

Father forgive them. they know not what they do

nevertheless, it was heartwarmingjust being there
soaking in the christmas atmosphere and spirit with other not so like minded people who have just decided to soak in the spirit there too
i guess this is what christmas should be
just being around people. friends family and enemies

merry christmas is so cliche
so Happy Christmas to one and all

btw Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Christ
without this event happenning, it would be meaningless.

back in alliance territory

ok this post is 1 wk 4 days overdue. cos i'm back in alliance territory and i have been so busy doing shit back here that i couldn't be bothered to blog.

welcome back to smoother roads, better effiency , fucked up drivers, shitty weather, LATE NIGHT SHOPPING WHICH DOESN'T END AT 5PM daily, cheaper and tastier food and movies. i'm home.

not many things have changed except for the emergence of vivocity a few new shops which replaced the older deceased ones in town and parking charges. I guess everything goes up here except the people dying. oh well.

and better still. i have graduated. so this is it. the end of my studying life. though i do not feel smarter. whatever helps you in life anyway? nothing lasts forever and what you learn today may not be applicable tomorrow , or worse, at all.

so yeah, same old bitchy me and oh whatever. the spirit of blogging is dying here..cos i feel compelled to type more shit. so fuckit! i shall stop to make it more genuine.

farmalice

with the exams over and my shit half-packed, i've decided to concentrate on my world of warcraft character. of course, i still can't pvp properly cos of my fucked up ISP (there's only 1 MAJOR LEADING fucked up ISP in Oz and it doesn't take an idiot to figure it out).

and the sky. it's so disgusting that the light is out in full force by 5am! i hate spring and summer. winter is my favourite....and will always be.

so WoWing nonstop and on 1 meal a day really seemed to pass the time uberly fast. had dinner at aunty angela's last night and it was refreshing. not forgetting i had my first proper meal after the exams since all of us wanted to finish up all the crap junk food in our house and we ran out of rice.. so what to do? we just kept spamming instant noodles. i know the food wax is toxic.. so i pour the water away and rinse my noodles before eating them..but then again. i know its unhealthy. but then again...i'd going home soon to eat better food... so who cares.

if all's well, i should be good to go by friday. driving up the sunshine coast on sat and then down to byron bay again on sunday. but this time we'll have to do it fast..cos the disgusting sun rises at 4.30am and if we were to reach byron in time to catch the sunrise, we have ot leave by 12am...OR i could always leave at 3am and ramm down at 140km/h

we'll see

may the stars guide you.

it is finished

after 11 months of no

late night shopping
supper
convenient fast craft
crazy friends
uber internet
shitty weather
haze
propaganda

my life as an undergraduate was signed away at 3.20pm today on my IT project management paper.

It was a damn xialan paper. but then again, the last one as well.
what hit me like a bus was that i realised that i have failed my 35% weightage group assignment after i reached home. that fucking sucks.

oh well i guess i'd be fuckign grateful if i get a credit for that subject. the exam was only worth 30%. the lowest weighted cousework component in my entire 16 years of studying.

the next step? wait until i get my results then say lah.

btw this is the shrine of rememberence. the shit that kept me going all these while. thanks alot guys. to the people who supported me all the way.

Mt. Gravatt

the mount gravatt griffith library is so emo

that i could almost hear the ants quarelling.

for the win.

igi

with 5hrs and 50 mins to go b4i take my first paper, this is all i can say right now.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

for the win.

speeding cars

its that time of the year again
the famous exams
the one thing the can either save my ass or burn it
and one things for sure, i've not really studied well for them
somehow time seems to pass damn quickly over here
its either me or i'm doing things slower
but it cant be
its the way the world turns i guess

have been "studying" with multiple distractions. every now or then i would run to the kitchen to get a glass of water, to pee, to open the fridge door ...the little things which we do in life; that when added up brings destruction to me whenever it comes to exams.

time-eaters.

somehow something's wrong here . maybe i'm getting complacent
but if i know it why can't i change it?
maybe its the feeling of graduating
the feeling of over-confidence
the feeling of ..apathy?

but whatever it is. it just sucks.

it's only 10 more days. God! i need u man

be with me.
for the win.

cos' you said
all the world
was dreaming
and you said
all the world
was screaming
without you.

for the loss

firstly, to begin with, i'd like to give bigpond some credit for helping me load this page in 30 seconds. the gayest amount of time encountered during my time here.
secondly, i'll give credit to the sun. which is beginning to rise at 4.30am over here. it's so disgusting.
thridly, i think it's time to bitch.

the assignments have all be safely handed in, notwithstanding the amount of compiling and recompiling and printing and reprinting of assignments due to a very catty standards set out by hmm whats his name? i guess i forgot. ohwell.

i havent been studying much either. everytime i want to study i'll be distracted by something be it wow or hee or hunger pangs or whatever. guess i'll start to worry by mid week or proabbly thursday? that's where the sense of urgency comes in. somehow, this semester's modules seem to be heavy on memory work. which i like..but then again, my memory seems to be all over the shop.
life just sucks i guess once you think you will eb able to do something a distraction comes along and knocks you back to hell. and when you climb out of it some moron will kick you back in. so how do you resolve this issue? fill up hell with shit so that there'll be no hellhole to fall into in the first place..
which lead me to how about am i going to do it
been thinking of doing a masters degree lately, but somehow i'm scared. with the use of profound english and celestial-level thinking and arguments, i don't know how am i going go about starting on one in the first place. although the professor has assured me that i would be guided, somehow i feel helpless, or even useless.
oh well i just have to see how well i'll do for the exams...which at this rate i'll probably be getting -3 for my grades.

the road is winding
the lanes clear
but somehow i oversteered
skidded, tumbled crashed
and burned.
leaving me in this state of no return
maybe?

give me a break this post was written at 4.31am ffs.

opaline


ok how should i begin..basically feeling abit shitty right now (as always)
the fucking exams are coming and even though i should say the dates are really nicely spaced out (i'm happy with them actually)i have no bloody motivation to study?!
why? hmm maybe it's all thanks to the buch of assignments which have been keeping em awake at night...the countless brainstorming and editing which to me seems to be getting nowhere...
which makes me wonder...do i always find fault with th situations around me? why am i so enraged over my circumstances? in poly in ns and right now in uni. maybe i'll need to have a rain check soon..but then again maybe there isn't anything wrong with the rain.

anyway...faye's dead. she plummeted 15 floors down into the bright australian sky. i've gotten a new one though but the memories with faye will always remain... cos she kept me sane.

Time was overtaking me
And I guess I was confused
They were all inviting me
But I wish I had refused
'Cause I've been there before
And I've seen it all
And I think i'm falling once more

ORD: one year on


september 28, the monsters have arrived...or so they said in one of the Resident evil games..btu well

it's been 1 whole damn year since i ORD-ED. I still remember the air 1 year ago and the burden that was lifted from me.

and here i am 1 year on sitting witht he company of my table lamp ramming through ym assignments. it's funny how we always complain about shit not knowing that in the future more shit would greet us in the face.

anyway, my holiday is about to end..it was more of an assignment week...4 fucking assignments with only 3 half completed and 1 completely untouched. dammit.

its also satan child's birthday today and even though i won't be spending his birthday with him this year, rest assured you'll get your 100 vitasoys buddy.

and for the record. Telstra Bigpond sucks so bad, i'm still wondering why aren't they closing down yet.

ok to be exact, it's 1 year 1 day after i ORDED

the lameness of spring


hmm ok so the weather isn't that hot now even though it's spring. i always had the misconception that spring would be significantly warmer than winter and that i would be so pissed cos of the longer daylight hours.. but nope, daylight hours are slightly longer..but not enough to piss me off like the summer hours back home. i love the nights here...quiet and emo well, of course there would be the occassional drunk or fucktard who would blow his car exhaust but hey, i've come ot terms with all the shit in this land. when it comes to technology, omg just kill me please they don't even know wtf is a DVD-RAM. the sadness.

anyway some people say this year's sprins is abnormal but i don't really care.. as long as its cold and dark. i'll take it anyway.

so far my life's been pretty degraded by my damn r3 assignment. well the deadline's on fri but we have until monday to hand it up and i'm done..except for a few editing and formatting matters i think i'm more or less ready to dump it for submission. it's taking too long...and for the amount of marks i just don't feel if it's wort it.

been pondering about whether i should do my post grad studies here or not...even if i am should i do a masters or an honours? most people say take masters but then again some wil say masters will just make me overqualified. please man when will this shit ever stop

the whole world's just so full of shit that i'm dismayed at the thuoght that papers would control my life, weren't we doing just fine in the garden of eden? fuck that. i think eve's such a bitch to cause so must shit to happen to us. yeah the whole world's governed by paper, paper qualificaions , money , even the way we shit is also goverened by toilet paper and wtf even hell is governed by it always have to burn money for the citizens down there...makes me wonder if there's any inflation down under. get the pun if you don't forget it.

the exams are coming and i can't wait for this sem to be over...it's kinds amazing one year is coming to an end. but i don't feel smarter though. my tolerance for shit has definetly grown u can throw me any shit and i would just have too reactions : be apathetic, or laugh wonder if it's a good thing or not. fuck this shit i'm going to try to edit my damned assignment now.

winterspring. Literally


it's winterspring right now.
sailing on the fringe of winter and the frontier of spring
in a way i'm quite sad...cos it would mean the cone of cold would be gone forever
i hate heat. if given a choice i would freeze to death then burn out.

the daylight hours would be longer too.
being a nocturnal person. i just hate to see the sun. don't ask me why i just don't. even in the day i would usually draw the curtains of my room, nestling in the dark
it somehow conforts me. shorter daylight hours would mean sleeping more in the day and staying up lesser at night. how am i going to live my life then? lol

been struggling with myself lately. trying not to be the devil when circumstances really are reasons justifiable enough for me to be one. maybe i've become more messed up, judging others before myself. hmm oh well, guess i'll continue to endure for 3 more months before it's all over.

the semester is starting to get hard, with my "hate module of the semester" bing R/3 Systems Administration. It's too technical imo, that sometimes i feel just being an admin for such a ridiculously large amout of work just doesn't pay off. can someone make me see a point in R/3 Systems Admin? i know it pays well..but the work....it's just disgusting. From the lesser or 2 evils, i'd rather choose enterprise systems.

my ecommerce module, though do-able is making me lose direction too...cos the marks allocated to it are just too ridiculous. so much work for so little marks. its fucking depressing.

and disgusting.

i've got a new friend in the house to keep me sane. her name's faye and her waking hours are now the same as mine. lets just hope my dad doesn't know cos i think he'll flip.

but then again, after telling my mum, i'm sure he'll still flip. i can already imagine the words he will say to me "you better study ah dun waste my money and buang ur exams"

right. in order to study i have to be sane. in order to be sane, i'll need faye. it's times like this when i feel that my mum is uber.

it's the little things that make; and break people

maybe a greater thing will happen
give it sometime and we will see

the ekka


i just went to the much overhyped "ekka" yesterday and boy did i learn more about our world. basically the ekka to me (neutral understanding) is a place where farm people bring their stuff to showcase to the city dwellers that there are such things as cows sheep goats and other barn animals existing on this earth...instead of just cartoons. and well, for the city dwellers, it is for them to boast about the latest vacuum cleaner which can clean carpets and other techie stuff about technology to the farm dwelling people. a rather diplomatic approach i shoud say. this, may sound like a trade fair, but no. they have decided to put rides and a stage and fireworks at night to attract the public and kids to come visit the trade fair (which has now become a carnival with all the added rides and stage and stuff)

all these for 15 bucks.

omg and you even have to pay for the rides how cool is it. well, to me, the ekka is just another overhyped event much mouthed about by kids and normal denezens whom i encounter on the street everyday. a place where the stench of ass greets you at the gates (well maybe because they place the cattle too near the train station exit?), cow, goat bull shit, vomit, ketchup stains and other sorts of weird matter all over the ground and not forgetting the ever-entertaing bumfight which my friend witnessed while waiting for me as i went swinging into the air and thrown about in a cage for 7 bucks. oh not forgetting the screaming snotty kids that made a helluva noise...all around.

well, it was an eye opener, but i'd rather go to the zoo or movieworld. much effort put into it really, but not SQA enough.

brand new start, same old shit again


ok so i am back in brissy. back to the uber coldness, the lower efficiency rates of work and of course, the retarded high-speed internet speeds.

everything's now new. it's just the same old shit again

anyway it's been awhile since i updated so i shall summarize:

1. thanks to all the guys for the meetup sessions we had when i was back home. you guys agve me reason to come back. well, i ahd to dump my stuff also so..on the way la huh.
2. i finally went to movieworld in the Gold Coast and drove up north to the Sunshine Coast during the first week when i was back -- a friend of mine from melbourne came to visit, so i kinda took the opportunity tobring him around and tour movie world. verdict. it's a place for kids. and of all the rides. i only reccomment lethal weapon and the superman ride. what really impressed me was how fast the rollercoaster carraige could accelerate from 0- god knows what speed.

it was so fun until i ahd to sit it 3 times....well i could have sat it for the whole day but we had to eat so...wadahell..

anyway i'm having a 2 day school work now.
some of you guiys might think "more time for johnny to study" but fuck lor....the weather makes me so want to sleep that i always end up sleeping more then i study.
wake me up from my eternal dream please.

this sem's gonna suck a bit cos i'll be doing 2 modules in SAP R/3 Systems Administration... it looks like a pain in the ass..and it will soon feel like too.

i'm still deciding if i should sell my soul to it though... decisions decisions. and tdys national day isn't it? hmm...no national day fever here...but there's going t be a public holiday next wednesday over here for some carnival...can u believe it? i love this country man...ever so willing to hand out holidays...

shall make an effort to at least update this space weekly... i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack i must not slack,

saving grace

its been arnd 2.5 weeks since i got back from oz
and i got back my results today
i managed to pass my damn database design module..which i knew i was a gone case
it goes to show that Saving Grace from God never runs out....though it should never be taken for granted.
i am greatly humbled.
the module was a real bitch (ask those close to me and you;ll know)
and yet i still managed to scrape through it

thank you God,
i was a man without no faith
but You showed me grace and taught me to learn.

and now i can carry on to burn that damn textbook.
without regrets

home

have been in singapore for 23.5hrs already
one big notable differernce is the damn weather
it's so damn hot and humid here that i have that sticky feeling all over again
another major difference is the roads.
they're smoother, leveller and the signs definetly do not confuse
unlike queensland's

so much for "better roads for queensland"

spent the day doing most of the shit which i had to do since i'm back
and of course not forgetting eating the uber local fare here which is like a hundred times cheaper and better tasting than the ones down under

hmm..
ah bengs, singlish tanned skin
long legs and tiny waistlines
truly,
this is home.

that shitty feeling

i'm 7 days away from home
caught in between 2 fucking exams
one is bright the other's decay
time to buy, time to live myself
but living's not getting better
with my impending doom

i'm 6 days away from home
still caught in between 2 fucking exams
one's still bright
the other one's gloom
time tried and time consumed
getting smarter? yes? no?
hopefully so

time to buy and time to choose
i've only got 4 days to live..

selah

into your hands i commit thee
into your hands i fall
whatever will come and is to come
shall not taunt me
evermore.

argh

silent repression,
pure essence of downfall
and like prettly slivers of silver
they cut me so right
trailing my blood
as i drag myself
into June.

winterspring

winter's here and the exams are near
week 14 has begun and wtf am i doing?
i need motivation man
the cold isn't helping either.
i have stopped wearing shorts and slippers cos i'll probably freeze to death in them
makes me sleepy too...i hate my bed

tdy was so-called te last day of school so i guess i'm on my on now...
winter is so emo.

imagine this. exams + alone in a foreign land + cold

emo man.

teleportation

hmm it's that time of the semester again
exams and assignments are pissing me off right now.
and there's one more thing that's bugging me
whether should i return back to sg for my vacation for 1 month
or stay in brisbane/go tour sydney.

the crux is : it'll cost me 1.2k odd to fly back.

after thinking abt it for awhile,i've decided to ,akle a count of the number of people who want me to come back.

public sub shouldJohnnyReturn (ByVal sender As System.Object, ByVal e As System.EventArgs) Handles MyBase.Load

if countWantJohnnyBack >= 10 then
call johnnyFlies home
else
johnnyStays
end if
end sub

outage

haven't been updating in a while. cos i probably did not have time to do it. funny though how time seems to fly by right here. it's been like...12,13 weeks since i came....weird. right now assignments seem to overwhelm me. to the brink that i have no time to study. hopefully i'll be able to catch up soon or there goes the degree. many people think studying in Oz would be easy....wait till they come over. it is UNI life after all--no difference in that.

my lifestyle's getting pretty fucked up too. sleeping at 2am or later and waking up at 7am only to drowse through the lectures. maybe i should sleep earlier...waking up at 12 on non school days isn't helping either. i need to wake up my idea soon.

over the easter holidays i drove down to Byron Bay (into NSW) and the view there was majestic.




where in sg could you find that?



and this



i bet if i kicked you off the cliff over there you wouldn't even mind dying.

farewell.

missing home? Not so soon?!!!!!!!!!


alright. after like 7 weeks in this place i think i am starting to miss home abit. travelling around the state is so damn fucking inconvenient without the fast craft back home. the shops close at like 5pm and the streets are empty by 8pm.
but one things's for sure....the days here pass me by damn quickly. somehow i feel that i do not have enough time for anything. which makes me wonder why.

the modules are getting tougher...which means i would have to start catching up soon b4 the big snowball hits... and i miss

QOO. I miss
haagen dazs ice creem. i miss
the wanton me which sells until 3am at my house's food centre. i miss
driving around town back home after a late night movie. i miss
ngee ann city. i miss going
into JB as and when i like. i miss
the other stupid stuff which i usually do at home.

it's ironic cos i don't miss the Land. i just miss the memories which i had on it. does that constitute to home? home is probably called home cos my family and friends are over there. nothing else.

but then again. i kind of like my life of independance right now. the only thing that i lack is probably discipline.

anyway...since i missed home... i started to look for food relating to it...and found the closest thing to authentic hor fun in sg. note the word : closest.




went there with a girlfriend and we were like so damn high after seeing the menu. it was located at west end. obviously, we took the stupid public transport.



you know one thing which i like about this place? it's the damn sky. it's always so blue and emo. when it's gray, it's emo. when it's raining , it's emo, when it's sunny, it's shit.

I was wandering around the supermarket one day and guess what i found :



OMG. it's like so fucking rare here. apparently the variety of vegetables here is so damn pathetic that i'm better off eating grass. anyway, i made my uber herbal tea with that. from a one day sore throat to no sore throat at all...well after drinking down 12 cups of it.

and since life is already so Les Misérables, i decided to make my own poseur ice cream. damn gay man.



as you can see , i am damn bored. but after writing out all these shit. i feel like studying already

farewell.

Blah

Test test test

Blogging via the Motorola 3vx..

This is my first attempt to blog via my 3g phone...

5 weeks on



with the 5th week into Oz i can safely say i'm well settled in. Trying to study now since there're no more excuses not to cos everything has already been done. looking back, i'm not so much of a noob right now as compared to my *ahem* counterparts. things have also turned out the way i wanted it to be (well with a few GOOD exceptions and shitty ones) the shitty exception is that i was forced to quit WoW; or rather, not play WoW cos of the primitive internet connection speed in this suppossedly high tech country which i am residing in. But then again, its good cos i will have 1 less distraction. But then again, when one door closes another one opens, which means there should be something else to distract me soon. Life is so fun isn't it. pfffft.

anyway, notable events which have happened in the past few weeks :

- i found out that i hate my database design module.
- followed by systems analysis and design. they should rename it systems ANAL-lysis and design
- my 5 year old oakleys broke (fuck that)
- i bought a new ipod video woohoo (i regretted selling my old one away but then again, the battery life for the previous ipod was really shitty)
- i've quit/gone on hiatus for wow
- its getting cold here.. but i like it
-more to come soon i guess

cheerio.

you sang to me



you came to me at twilight
in the damp of a cold room
we shared a coke and popcorn
amidst a morbid setting
7 days was all you had
to get me hooked to you
7 days was what it took
to spend my life with you

we travelled the lands of azeroth
across the Great Sea
into neutral and horde terrorities
and eventually into MC

18 days was what it took
before you became the Queen
and though you died a million time
i hope you won't think of me as mean

we shed many tears from 1 to 60
and laughed a decade
at the corpses of our enemies
pure revenge and immortal love
was the bond between us

and though i love you
i have to say goodbye
continuing on would
lead to a broken heart,
a salted tear
love can be much pain

where is the good in good-bye?


do not stand at my grave and weep
i did not die, i do not sleep
do not stand at my grave and cry
i am not there, i did not die

goodbye ivalice.

death of oakleys




my pair of oakleys just died today after 5 years of accident free mishandling. I didn't know how the hell the spectacle arms could just break off. i guess plastic really sucks over time. when it's new it's new but after awhile when age kicks in it becomes brittle. hmm..that's the case for most things on this goddamn earth isn't it? nothing lasts forever. which makes me wonder. what's the bloody point of life anyway.

oh well since they were broken i decided to smash it into smithereens anyway.

i did not forget you guys



the past 3 weeks have been crazy for me. landing in a country which i've never set foot upon before and settling my accomodation and school stuff within the first few days. it was so crazy that i did not even have time to miss home. not that i'm missing it already but yup, looking back it was really crazy. the first few days were spent living in a pathetic litte matchbox-sized hotel room with space only decent for an ant to live in. searching for accomadation was easy for me though cos me and my housemates had already come to a stage of desperation whereby anything with a decent roof will do. but hey, at least the place i'm living at right now is cool. to be frank, its actually nicer than my home back home. though lacking in the "home" part. it's more of a house. but then again. i like the silence of it. the streets however, aren't that silent. with retards revving their modified cars and fire engines whizzing by with their blaring sirens every 5 mins.
i've since settled down...the last thing which i settled was my internet. which i have been so piously bitching about in teh past few entries. but really. i almost cried when i realised i could connect to the net. sad; i've become a victim of technology.
and noe that i'm settled. i just realised i haven't thanked the people who supported me all the way in my decision to come to Oz to study. to begin with. my parents. who are so damn worried that i would go astray if i ever came over. don't worry i won't. i now what i'm doing. it's just that sometimes you have to find things out on your own and then you'll begin to understand stuff. thanks to my uncles and aunties too who supported me morally and financially. to my secondary school friends, who stuck by me all this while. to the guys over at PNS department - they threw this uber birthday cum farewell party for me the day before. thanks lots guys don;t forget me ok. oh and to sylvia too who purposely flew to brissy to help me get settled and carry my 17 inch lcd screen over from sg. and to jess too whole came up from GC to help with my household establishment shit. you guys were dolls.
to all the people who sent me off at the airport that day. I'm sorry i couldn't talk to you guys all at one time and that i had to leave before one of them could arrive at the airport cos the plane was about to leave. yeah thanks for coming even though u guys knew i was going away for 1 year only. i'll be back at the end of the year dun worry. in the meantime i guess Msn will be our main mode of contact or skype or maybe the phone? but phone charges here are spastic. 37 cents for half a minutes wtf. truly satanic man.

alright i shall end here. watch this space for it will continue to be my source of sanity.

because eventually, everything is emotional.

I is for Internet and Internet is for me


WOOHOOOO my fucking Internet is finally up after 2 weeks of stupid time wasting by the ever promising ISP. thanks for the lousy service B***P*** you guys really HELPED A LOT by delaying the activation. anyways i spent 2 fucking hours trying to configure the damn network cos the stupid modem refuses to have its DHCP disabled. guess that's what you get when u use modems provided by stupid ISPs sigh.
oh well. my life can be considered back on track right now...all i need now is my textbooks ...

sunrise changes our lives

YAY. 10 days since i signed up for Internet and still no Internet. Makes me wonder if the POND has any more fishes still residing in it...cos at this rate i think most of the fishes would have left or died after being disgusted by such "excellent" service.

anyway here i am back in school camping in after heading home from a lecture at 9am. and i just got back from The Gold Coast too. fun 2 days though i wished it had been longer. the waves were awesome ...so much that i think i MUST be able to surf before i leave this island.

we had rented a car; a 2005 mitsubishi lancer,wondered why they wouldn't lend me the one with the V6 engine though. "oh you're underage" was what i got. i wanted to tell them "hey i've driven a damn LANDROVER down a 20m steep slope before and am still alive you noob" but hey, i resisted the urge. The drive was simple though the boring part was the speed limit. i remember having to jam the brakes after overtaking this 18 wheeler who was occupying the middle lane cos there was a cop camping to take my neoprint. Wonder if i got shot anot.

arrived in GC, went to pick up jess from griffith uni where she was the tourguide for our stay. whacked harbourtown's esprit and surf shops for clothes (to blend in with the locals) and then we went to surfers to check into our hotel. surfers is small. but its definetly more interesting than brisbane. the shops close later (say arnd 8-9) and there's the Great Sea. the surf, the smell of salt; not forgetting the emo-ness of it all. i forgot where we had dinner...oh some nan hai place and after that we drove down to colangatta.... located just at the fringe of Queensland and NSW to check out the night sky there. again. it beats singapore's mount faber/marina south and what have you HANDS down. we got bored so we drove into NSW and took some stupid pics b4 heading back to the hotel to crash

woke up at arnd 5 to check out the sunrise . the 1st proper one i ever saw. (the ones at west coast park are utter rubbish) not forgetting the beach was DAMN cold. 5am for a sunrise at surfers compared to a 7am one in sg? surfer's beat hands down.
went back to sleep and woke up at 11am(what a bloody waste of time) and so we drove to carrera market at i dunno where for breakfast and shop for stuff. din get anything tho cos there was nothing i liked. ok i liked the kantana blade but there was no one to use it on anyway. headed to Pacific Fair where i had to ram through the whole damn shopping centre cos we had like only 3 hrs to spare. and it was damn big.
at night we went to this place to check out glow-worms ...think it was nurimba national park or something. the journey up was damn cool
dark roads and starry skies and cruising at an average of 80km/h. it was like initial d. curvey narrow roads. fun. must do it again sometime. the nature reserve was surprisingly, well paved..or rather cemented, but you still need a torch light ; or panasonic fx9 camera (bright LCD screen!) to navigate your way around. but alas, we could not take pictues cos duh, it was too dark.
finished that little nature episode and we went to eat dinner at some chinese place at like 10pm? where david's brain obviously left the building cos for some strange reason, he was built to stay awake and sober before 10pm. oh well. drove to "The Spit"; another emo place where you can see stars (actually you can see them almost everywhere as long as the city glow is absent). after we got bored we headed back only to find our lot ws taken.. so we chucked the car somewhere else ..b4 heading to bed.
woke up sunday morning and drove back down to boring brisbane. "why did u go to brisbane?" a friend once asked. i'm asking myself this right now too.

a different light indeed

and so we called up the internet company after the promised "it'll be connected in 2-3 days". and so we weren't connected. after an annoying 20 minutes we were told "oh one of our staff forgot to activate you account. we can only do it next monday". good job guys. so 2-3 days actually means 9-10 days here? does it apply to my assignment due dates as well ? cos if it is i'll be so damn glad.

a different light. indeed

right now my days are spent mulling around the house. although school starts in like 4 days i can't do anything cos of the stupid internet connection. will probably head down to school with my lappy to d/l the notes. i should be heading down to the Coast if the monkeys are willing to go.

waiting

and so here i am back at the library like a destitute who's gone to the shelter for his free bowl of soup. damn my internet connection connection is still not active and i feel so useless without it.
went around town yesterday to get some clothes and was utterty disgusted when i realised i couldn't fit into almost ALL of them wtf!. my boardshorts size is like 30 and it's already hanging on my hips and the smallest size they had there was like..34. well done. guess i'll have to buy kids clothes or eat potatoes and junk food everyday. but luckily, i managed to find right sizes for tops at "Cotton On" i think it's like our equivilent at giordano. 2 polo tees for A$30. so COTTON ON FTW. i shall make it my anchor store. hopefully the factory outlets at Gold Coast will have my size if not i'll just have to cry more.

i miss my cable modem

it's been 8 days since i've arrived. since then i ahve moved into a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment on queen street (the equivilent of orchard road) and it takes me abt 20 minutes to get to school (on foot + bus) . The bus is, amazingly, FREE. the words which most people like to hear. so i guess i'll be saving quite abit on transport. But then again, i intend to get a mountain bike as the streets are kinda questionable when it gets as early as 8pm.
right now i still need a fan, a study lamp, a bicycle?, an the much needed INTERNET CONNECTION. just living without it makes me want to die. Will probably need clothes to cos i look to un-local to blend in with the people there. oh whatever. should be driving down to gold coast this weekend if everything works out well.

save me. I NEED INTERNET

starting out

and so here i am in Oz. the land down under. and the ozone hole just above it. it's my 4th day here. i actually had internet access right from the first day (courtesy of QUT) but the thought of blogging comepletly slipped my mind.
the people here are cheery, they usually greet me b4 i can greet them, thus dispensing the "racist" tag which so many people have told me about. but then again, i might not have met the racist people yet...there's bound to be some. somehow. surprisingly, the public transport here doesn't suck as well. Thery're almost very punctual and there are even timetables printed out for u. so in a way, they have no excuse not to adhere to the time tables. but then again, this is the CITY. not too sure about the suburbs though.oh. they also wash the streets in the CBD like EVERYDAY but cos its summer and waters scarce this season, they limited the frequency of washing i think.
things here are generally more expensive than back home though they may appear to be the same pricing due to PPP (product price parity. Bet you guys don;t know that). basically it's some economic term which means the price of something in country a would be almost the same as country b. but when u convert the currency over, the item bought from country b may be more expensive or cheaper than country b. oh whatever.
generally, a bottle of coke costs like..2-3 bucks here. a typical meal 7-8 bucks. the only cheap things here are probably juice and milk and meat (though i havent really seen how cheap they are yet). transport is quite ex as well but thank god i have a free loop service to school. but it's only up to 5.50pm only though ...any later that that i would have to take the payable public transport.
i'm still living in my dingy hotel and will move out only tomorrow. things should be more settled after that then.
special thanks go out to "aunty angela" , one of my aunts friends who invited me to her house for dinner on the first day i set foot on Oz. showed us around too but i doubt i'll be able to go out of the suburbs in future cos getting there is such a bitch without a car. brisbane's CBD is smaller than Shenton Way. But its definetly bigger then Sg.
oh well getting bored. update u guys again

where is the good in goodbye

just returned from a party thrown for me by the pnsd guys. Really touched by them as so many of them cancelled their prior appointments or rushed over (if they couldn't cancel) just to celebrate my belated birthday and bid me farewell before i head for Oz. Thanks guys.. for being there , for the cake, for the beer , for the food, for the company, for the laughter, for the tease , for the emo-ness, for the jacket which you guys kept on forcing me to put on (4 times! wtf) for the soft black hairy musht strap, for the samurai blade keychain, for the win. (tho' you guys tried to make me cry with the reiterations of "eh this is the bigggest turnout leh" , "eh see everyone cancelled their appointments to come here leh" ,"eh see got pweety girls came for this event leh (like real)", "eh this eh that")
this has by far been the most memorable birthday celebration for me (tho i didn't really like being the centre of attraction SHY LAH)

for the honourable mention :

thank you

kelvin
zavier
zavier's cousins (dunno their names sorry)
ddk
erina
fabian
michael
ruixiang
charlie
shengtao
Yu-Ann & Girlfriend
Jiawei
Pao shan & Friend (dunno your name sorry)
edwin
samuel
mingwen
jeremiah
weiyuan

for being there.

leaving

i just got back from a gathering celebrating my bday and 2 other's at brewerkz. met up with my suppossedly "best friend" in secondary school over there. its ironic that we give our friends titles like "best friend" or "best bud" only to realise that once time has passed, they are your "best" anymore. but then again meeting up with him was gd cos at least we still have shit to talk about so hurray, no weird silence. but then again, i was enjoying their company so much that the thought of not being able to meet them as easily as i can now when i'm in oz was enough to make me feel sian.
i'll be leaving in a day's time and i'm starting to feel the emo-ness of it all. i can see from my mum's eyes that she's kinda sad. which makes me feel sad too. but i know i have to do this; and i can only hope that she will understand and not be sad. looking at all the well-wishes from my relatives written on cards, i think i better not fuck up there.

sigh

23

yay i have hit level 23. total time played : 0318 hrs 00 min!
so exciting. its so ironic that we all look forward to birthdays but when the birthdays are really here we begin to whine about being old and shit. no exception for me though. i've stopped celebrating my birthdays since the age of 21 (but i still look forward to them) mainly because i've probably "grown up?" it's like the attitude of "oh alright it's my birthday...yay let me be happy today and tomorrow everything will be normal again" kinda sad..but then again, who ever throws a birthday celebration for himself? it's your friends that do it for you (not hinting here, but think about...makes lots of sense)

anyway i just got back from a long overdue meet up session with 2 of my poly classmates. it's kinda funny how we haven't seen each other for like 2 years (cos of ns) and then suddenly i log on to friendster and see a message from one of my them saying "eh got msn anot?" and it was dated dec 2005. wtf~! seems that i seldom check friendster....and then after that we suddenly agree to "meet up and see each other". It was damn fast and super effective lead time was like..1 day? wow. fastest friends award goes to them : chris & weirong. we had dinner at this place called "manhatten something"(a chip of fish and co) at PS. Food was alright except they said fish & co was better. (to me everything's ok cos i eat to live and not the other round). watched "fun with dick & jane" and later has this talk cock session at starbucks.

i had to leave to meet 2 of my ns buddies at holland v. more caffeine and Häagen-Dazs ice cream ensues b4 meeting another of my uber friends. she baked a cheesecake for me leh waaaah so touched! thx gal.

oh well. i'm feeling weirdly weird right now maybe...tho its my birthday tdy, the fact that i'll be leaving my friends and family for Oz on sun makes me kinda sad? and the fact of the hard ass process of finding permanent accomadation and making new friends just makes me want to ARGHHHhhhhH.

because eventually , everything is emotional.
sigh

reunion

just got back from the much needed reunion dinner with the family. well it was the same as every year but i guess it ended kinda fast. din really get to talk to everyone as we were spread across 2 table. so much for a "reunion" when it's not even a union of tables? wtf. after the dinner i went to emo chinatown for an emo time with my parents and uncle (and his family) oh well something inside me wanted to hang out with them. call it weird but i guess it's called "family ties" ? or maybe cos thinking about the fact that i'll not be seeing them for 10 months made me want to spend time with them now. humans. they only miss something when it's going to be taken (taken) away from them. but then again. you never miss what you never had. irony? oh well fuck it. life is an irony anyway.

guess what i found on urban dictionary on the entry for World Of Warcraft the game that i've been playing lately:

WOW

Acronym for World of Warcraft. World of Warcraft consumes every part of your life until eventually you have no friends because when they come over to visit you don't pay any attention to them and your "real" friends are the ones you talk to on vent while playing WOW, you lose your girlfriend because she no longer exists next to Warcraft, you start smoking in your room because your too involved in the game to go outside, lose all interest in going outside or having sex, you lose your job and eventually have to move home with you parents...I left my boyfriend because he left me for WOW.


true. true.

a different light

ivalice just hit 60 2 days ago


light so bright
i failed to see
the night


yup. Now what happens next after 60? i'm beginning to find it meaningless.

its been confirmed. i'll be leaving for the island on the 12th of february.
no more dark forces
no more fines
no more shit

i hope it'll be fun there looking at all the smiling faces in the various prospectuses should suggest so.
but obviously most happy things are lies.

for those who will miss me,
you ought to.
for those who didn't care
bless you
for those who don't know me
there will be more chances
for those over there
hope we have fun.

oh no not so soon?!

every week seems to have a theme
every day, and endless dream
but somehow perception loses its steam
locking me in life's ironic dream
grey skies still delight me
and i comfort in the night


maybe that's why i don't see the light.

2006

and so yesteryear's christmas has come and gone. it's a pity how so many people think christmas is just a one day affair. it's actually 12 to all you noobies out there.
2005 has passed too though i'm still unable to determine if it has een a shitty year for me anot. for one, it was the year of my freedom from NS. i'v done my time.and now its time to move on. but i do miss the folks back at the department. well, it basically means 2005 gave me more friends to hang out with. so probably , it ain't that bad. on a personal note, i feel that i'm slightly wiser (i ought to be since i'm one year older now) though i remain the same in certain areas : still scared of girls and still can't say no to people who ask me for help. gotta fix this in 2006 i hope. well anyway the future (like in all cliche phrases) scares me. i'll be heading to Oz soon and as tough as i may seem right now, i don't think i will be able to handle the shit overseas. but hey at least i'll try. for one thing, conveniences would definetly be taken away from me. and friends. damn i think i'll miss them despite having msn and all that jazz. tho there's WoW to entertain me, i hope it doesn't destroy me. however excited everyone may be around me, i feel contradicted. 2006 will be a year of adventure. but then again. not all adventures make happy memories.
why am i so morbid?
what will 2006 bring me?
happiness , strife, momories or dreams?
will there be love , or life of lonliness
inspiration or utter disappointment?
oh well,
happy new year folks! --> well at least this is an encouraging note.

christmas '05

ok so this years christmas was a lot more toned down than last year (i recall being totaly wasted last year) but more busy. tracing the events back to the 23rd, it was last minute christmas shopping @ orchard and then heading down to a friend's birthday party at clarke quay's tcc and then to watching narnia and on to woing till the wee hours of 24th dec. woke up at 5pm 24 dec so i guess my christmas eve was more or less wasted. anyways wowed again until like 6+ whereby i had to drop my parents off to a christmas party and went on to marina square to catch king kong. they should rename it king kok cos the scenes were pretty much lame and cmon, how can a chick every fall in love with an ape? anyways i got a call from my dad after than and damn i had to send thme home before rejoining the groups for supper -- or more likely, my dinner and then it was off to wowing till the wee hrs of christmas day. woke up 1pm on christmas day and went to a family party and then off to being show and tell object for my parents friend's party and now i may be heading t another gathering. maybe. damn i still remember needing to go to jb tml.

the return

it's been a while since i last blogged. 29-fricking september. that's like almost 2.5 months. anywayalot of shit has happened since then.
for starters,

1. i went and got a job with at shenton way working as a damn admin assistant. and man it was hell as boring. it really made me wonder if life was just about waking up and going to work everyday only to return home after work and sleep and continue the cycle all over again. cos firstly, you wouldn't have enough personal quiet time for yourself, let alone time with friends ; unless you're talking about weekends. moreover, the job which i got was so damn boring that i was literally STRUGGLING to stay awake every morning. downing double shots of nescafe classic everyday until i was so sure the caffeine intake would affect me in the later years. i just have to take my hat off to te other perm. staff who have been doing the same boring shit for 10 years or less. Friends, i salute you. lucky for me, they decided to end my contract early cos of low sales volume. hooh.

concurrently with the boring job,

2. my main desktop crashed and i lost all my mp3s and photos. fuck SATA technology.

3. i got a new laptop for my further study in OZ. love it

4. and my mage in World of Warcraft ave since hit 51. I would sure bloody wish to hit 60 by the end of the year. Possible? possible.

5. i've gone and returned from bangkok with my NS department. This is the 2nd time whereby i get "sponsored" to go on a holiday by the govt. how great is that. Although it wasn't as good as last years', it was still fun and i managed to bag my bag of good deals.

Christmas is coming. though as much as i would like this year to end, it still pains me to think that christmas would just come and go. damn. it's my favourite holiday. the one which makes you feel that everything is so warm and cheery until it's over and the cold world slaps you back into reality. the feelings good ; and short i know but this is only one of the exceptions where i would do sacrifice anything to make the cause worthwhile.

k enough of this emo shit.

gonna get some rest b4 i grind again.

farewell.

ORD LOH!



and so the day arrived. and so ends another chapter of my life. had actually wanted to blog this at 1201 yesterday but was engaged in the merciless spamming of the sacred words "ORD LOH!" to everyone on my msn contact list.
somehow, i feel a sense of loss. not saying that i love serving ns and doing shit but it's like, after 26 mths of hoping for September 28 2005 and when it's finally here, i don't feel enlightened or special at all. On the contrary, i feel weird maybe due to the sudden relinquishing of duties and not needing to do anything suddenly.
it's a weird feeling. but i like it.
nevertheless i still enjoyed my NS though i kept on bitching about how life sucks and shit like that. i've definetly learnt more than just clerical work and being a cow (just listen and do; don't think).
truly, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

what becomes of me then? well, the model answer would be "get a job for 3 mths" and later f.o to australia. but my real answer would be to slack around first and relax.
hopefully i can do that.

will miss the guys in the office. but that's probably the only bad about ORD-ing

because eventually, everything is emotional

last working day

woke up feeling happy today cos it was going to be my last working day at the office. in a way the feelings kinda different. the sky seemed bluer and the sound of the environment seemed relaxed. yes weird way to describe it but that's the way it is.
when i stepped into the office alot of the guys were kinda surprised that i came back (well thats because i did not have enough leave and so i had to go back for 1 last day) but what really made me laugh was when one of my supervisors (not direct supervisors) said "hey long time no see where did you go?" and when i replied that i was clearing leave and that today was my last day at work she got the shock of her life.
ah. the art of stealth
the look on her face was priceless.
anyway as today was HLS it wasn't really a work day. more like a play badminton and get trashed day. we didn't get trashed though. we got second.

well, after work i went to eat dinner with the usual gang and we later wasted our lives at the cheesy cafe along orchard road.

not bad for a last day...guess the feeling would be more emo on the 28th.

9 days to ord.

Xenosaga II: Jeseits von Gut und Bose


just completed xenosaga 2 spending a total gametime of 34:15:18. real world time : 6 days. The ending's quite ok albeit abit short. Well at least it didn't make me want to smash the PS2 unlike suikoden 4. i think chaos is an evil dude all along ( so glad i didn't train him up as a character) and the ending did mention something abot Kos-Mos "waking up" when some shit happens in Xenosaga episode iii. happilly awaiting it. gonna hit the sack.

Terrace 10 King Palm

after an exciting and action packed time at the chalet. i awoke this morning to cold winds lapping at my back. there was a hurricane at my window and so i got up to close the windows and having felt not sleeping enough i decided togo grab my cell phone to set the alarm and place it under my pillow. problem is: wtf is my handphone? i ended up searching the whole damn house for my stupid handphone and even came online to ask a couple of friends if they had seen it lying around at the chalet (thinking that i may have left it there) -- to no avail.

anyway back to the chalet. it's definetly my last with the guys as an NSF cos i'll be ording soon and obviously, i'll miss them. Note: miss the NSFs and a few regulars. not the office folks. though it rained like half the time, it was still enjoyable with the talk cock sessions, the despatch adventures, night swims and of course the bbq as the grand finale.

in hindsight,its just another happy memory of a time gone by.

argh fug. since my phone's ringing i reckon it must be around the house somewhere. i think i shall go and sleep it off first.