crosell

i've tried to tell you
time and time again
the Elevator's broken
be the humble buffalo and pick up,
the yoke of selfless sin
but like the mustard seed in the sky
blatantly biting down on every
inch of my slivered spine
you continued to shine.

and from a distance i thought i heard
the wakening of the Behemoth
something wicked this way comes.

my love has died

valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
i wanna sell my 2 ft fishtank with pump n light
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
help me ask arnd if any1 wants
Ang's Foundation says:
wah, wat happen?
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
sian already
Ang's Foundation says:
liew... no care for your fishes
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
y
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
after the love is gone all that remains is dust
Ang's Foundation says:
fuck u
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
isn't it true
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
ang ki mou
Ang's Foundation says:
after love is gone, all that remains is nothing la
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
dust
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
dust remains so that there is a possibility that a tiny speck of it
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
could cause a spark and relight the fire
Ang's Foundation says:
idea huh....
Ang's Foundation says:
hehehe
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
but in my case for fishkeeping..
valiance <-> i would you were as if you would have me be. says:
after the love is gone all that remains is nothing.

running on empty

i woke up this morning feeling as if
a chunk of me had been left behind in the other world.

as if i've lost something very important to me.
but i don't know what

silent tears


sometimes i lie awake at night
wondering what my life was like
broken dreams and broken lies
wide awake,right thru the night
laws of time, laws of life
times of silence and times of tide
clueless as i may be
right up till this day
as this night goes on.

and i can't feel the pain
anymore unlike last time
the synapses have gone
to a faraway land
leaving my soul in greater disdain

no doctor, warlock nor priest can heal
this broken spirit of mine
except
206 teardrops
from a virgin's eye
weeping for me
every-Day

Healthy Lifestyle '05



today was spent at the island resort of sentosa
with it's pseudo landscaping and psuedo beach(ches)
playing 7 rounds of volleyball.
it's my my dept's healthy lifestyle thingy alalbeit the ironic title
(ie you will not have a healthy lifestyle just cos' u go for the dept's healthy lifestyle campaign)
nevertheless, it beats being in the damn office where shit is perpetually flying aroud the office waiting to lend on the least unsuspecting person.

it was rather fun i should say, aimlessly running around playing vball and dragging people into the sea. not forgetting the posing. the beach is a place where you can legally be a poseur. but :
again. chicks were lacking.
wtf man to think that a part of saf had to be there literally made siloso beach A questionable beach in sentosa...but overall a fun day
especially swimming out to sea against the threatening waves. the feeling of helplessness...was like an orgasm.

fate... changes

i just got back from my 2nd open dive! whahaha
i changed my fate by bitching on my blog
and so the sky cleared.

i have a damn headache now though.

fateless.

fate is for those who cannot change their destiny

i opened my eyes and i am
blinded by the white light
tried to make out the day
tried to make out the time
but all i made out was haze

And I can't stand the sound
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the rain

How could this happen to me
I was supposed to dive
and now with overcast skies
night goes on
As I'm fading away

I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

soon my phone starts beeping
and everybody calls out to me
their silent anguish
and cheated hearts
lashing out at me
and for the added cut
my buddy's not coming
cos she is sick

I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I want to return to a point
when i can respawn again

And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

now the sky has cleared....right after this bitching
but i may still be unable to dive

adjusting

it's been a week of adjustment for me...
one thing's for sure : the office is still a zoo.
and now w/o one of my clowniest colleagues, its a challenge trying to feel at ease in the loony bin. i've also started to take the bus back (instead of the mrt and then switching to a feeder bus).
it's hell.
firstly cos the bus smells of axe oil;
secondly, it's full and crowded with old people most of the time. and they always rush for seats and to get on/off the bus. sometimes they make me think that thay are rushing to die by doing that...
thirdly, it takes a bloody half an hour or more to reach home and it's damn slow.
but what to do? no kaki to go home with already.
i'm more or less alone again. with syl and ahpek back in australia (and the other aussie kids); justin's in brunei and more to leave in the near future. (think 110 intake kids). i need to ord soon.

i've been having weird dreams lately. the type that are kinda prophetic. so much that its scaring me once more. namely: car crashes and confrontational fights and on love.

and its strange that lately i've been thinking alot about love. how it spurs and motivates us; influences us to do the most ridiculous things just to obtain that very object of affection; of the passion ignited that to a certain floored extent, can even drive us to kill. to Death does it not end.

but when it's over, it's over.

i once believed in Love. until i gave it away.

and strangly after watching buffy tonight, in the last episode of season 6 ep where Xander tells Willow (who's now bent on destroying the world 'cos she was filled with grief upon the loss of her Love, Tara) he loves her ( as a friend), she woke up her idea and loses her power and eveyone lives happily ever after. Love conquers all huh.

Faith Hope and Love are the 3 greatest things
the greatest is Love.

maybe.

and maybe one day i'll find my way
out of the woods, into the day
where the pain has been embraced
and the tears, dried
that's where i'll want to be
in the silence of the Night.

8138

today is one of my most disappointing days.
i let god's gift slip past me (well not exactly god's gift i just said it to make the gift sound divine)
it all happened yesterday, the 18th of feb
my department was having this cny celebration and they hired a lion dance troupe to dance for them
at the end of the dance, the lion peeled the oranges and arranged them to form the numbers '8318'
but not wanting to be kiasu, i went to take a look at them at the end of the show
and so at the end of the show, i went ONTO the stage to look at the numbers (cos being me, i hate crowds and there was a crowd blocking my view off stage)
so they appeared as '8138' to me (cos mirror effect mah)
and i noted them in my hp
now i dun really gamble but the thought of buying the numbers did come to me while i was taking the bus to the public pool for a swim. but still...i din buy (cos i am not a goddamn gambler!~!!)
well anyways, i came home only to be greeted by the sharp tv set
with the 4d page and the yellow words "1st prize : 8138"
my first reaction was "ok..get ready to say "FUCK" "
and second reaction was to check my note which i wrote in my hp

well the order of reactions kinda switched but yeah you know the rest.
i let $2000 slip past me (if i bought $1 big i think; i'm not a gambler)

but hey maybe next time i'll strike 4d/toto with more money? or get a happenning girlfriend or something? or maybe win a sportscar ? or maybe be an unamed heir to a family of rich old men?

ok. stop consoling myself already.

i was the only idiot who saw it that way
and the bigger to brush aside the thought of buy 4d tdy

but then again,

eventually, everything is emotional.

over

the main 2 days of festivities are over
and i'm now feeling emptiness within me
it's over
that's the problem.
what happens when something which you looked forward for,
waited for, hoped for, longed for, enjoyed for
has come and passed you by?
it basically means it's over doesn't it
which makes you question the wortiness of it all
whether the sweat, blood, tears heartache, perseverance is really worth
spending just for that one thing
which will eventually
be over?
maybe that's why i am the way i am
constantly thinking whether the motion of all that is really worth the extent
is what i always do.
but then again
thoughts can never be action thus never achieving a reaction.

i'm down with flu
but i'm recovering soon.
and tdy is sickening valentine's day
not that i'm a sour grape or what
but it sickens me to see the over commercialization of the death anniversary of Valentine. (now known as saint Valentine)
how many people actually know that
he was beheaded on the 14th of feb cos he defied the orders of Claudious II which were not to get married if not they would be wusses and stay home and not fight his wars.

hmm..feeling hungry
time to f.o

constantine

my birthday was basically spent rotting at my uncle's place today (or rather yesterday)
seemed to me a waste of time but somehow i was either too lazy to jio my friends to hang out or a part of me just wanted to soak in the cny festival with the family.
well almost.
my aunt quarrelled with my other aunt cos my uncle did not want to go to her sister's place to show their faces for 1/2 hr
if u asked me, i quite agreed with my uncle..after all they ARE going to visit her sister tml
whatever. my mum asked me why didn't i flash my warrant at her when she was bickering with my aunt
my reason :i couldn't care less
my words "i would only do that if she started throwing things in teh house" were enough to justify my apathy
somehow, seeing so much arguments and shit in life has made me numb..really numb.

caught constantine with gerard his bro and sylvia tdy...
kinda funny cos at the strike of 12 i stopepd at the traffic ligh and wished hijm happy bday. he was 6 hrs later than me in reaching this goddamned earth. and like me
he doesn't know what's his purpose here. poor chap
constantine was sweet which made me think again (all movies somehow make me think)
this time i thought abt how he said there were half breeds which would goad and influence humans to do either good or bad and i was wondering , what if this were true? and all the people in my office were being goaded by halfbreeds? well to me even if it made sense the humans are idiots to me cos they can't even control their own minds...by letting themselves be influenced.
argh. there's just so many arguments.


Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the tv,
the harshly mouthed words
and the slamming of the door shut
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this day that we shared together.
and you stood at the door
with your hands on your waist
and you screamed like you meant it
and i knew, that you meant it
that you meant it, thet you meant it
and i knew, that you meant it
the you meant it.



feel like sleeping
shall stop bitching already

genesis



and so today happens to be my birthday as well as cny 2005
i've been around here for 22 years now
still not knowing my real purpose here
sometimes i wonder what are we really working for
cutting each other down and competing just to get recognition, medals, money and fame, popularity, acceptance comedy and blame
when we take nothing back on the day we die.
we'd all be memories
and memories fade away

maybe it's passion
short spurts of interest
which keep us going everyday
and like the tides they ebb away
leaving us to wonder whether if it's really worth it
is there any point in all of this at all when the memory fades?

human memory is just a record.
we can erase that record.

soft reboot

with so much to say ever since i last my last entry
laziness sinks in
a few things to note:
scuba is still lovely
i bought myself an ipod for my bday present
i got pissed off in office today
and my room smells of rubber which is coming from
the wetsuit i bought
i wonder how am i gooing to spend the remainder of the day...
or days so to speak
( i took leave until 14 feb which reminds me i still don't have a date for v-day)
cny is like a soft reboot to me (you know the type you do with CTRL-ALT-DEL)
unlike the new year NEW YEAR.
to me, it basically means lesser red packet money
and that i am ording soon.
soon is the word. not now.
it's still depresssing i know
to all the chinks out there....happy cliche new year
and the rest...enjoy the ba gua

scared of girls

i went for my first open water course yesterday. 1 full damn man imagine they crammed almost the whole bk of theory into one day. the feeling of being underwater was exhilirating...that few moments of peace away from the damn world was enough to keep me sane for 1 day.
....and what good news to hear that i was paired up with a girl! not that i am desperate or what but somehow i feel weird...not just because i don't know her and everyone else in my group (2 other guys from another dept were with me and i kinda forgot their names too..cos they weren't english names so next time you want me to remember you get yourself and english name) yeah. just plain weird. am i scared of girls? but i don't want to like guys. but fug there aren't many girls in my life right now.
maybe i'm sufferring from decompression sickness/nitrogen narcosis right now
but it is only when we are at our most in-sensible moments where true feeligns are let out.

i also did lots of stupid things during the practical man..stuff like losing balance in the water and not being able to swim straight. damn the fins...they were too big for me (ya ya blame the fins) but seriously, damn the fins. i bet her impression of me is "my buddy is a total idiot"

maybe i'm a little bit over my head
i come undone at the things she said
and she's so funny in her light grey suit
i was all in love and i got hurt
and maybe she'll remember me
what i gave her is hers to keep

in white houses
in white houses


(some people are going to kill me)

till the end of time

after months of procrastination and negligence,i finally maneged to complete one of the RPG games which i have been playing half-way. and defeated the final boss within 5 mins too
i hated that game
cos of its stupid storyline infact i did not want to complete it but judging from thefact that i'm already in so deep i might as well go further into the depths of hell.
one thing struck me though:

without perception, there can never be existence

kenneth

so much has happened within 5 days.

went for scuba swimming test on monday and almost died cos i ate too much and kept vomitting in the pool HAHA. other than that i passed it. more scuba shit to come.

did i forget to mention that another of my friends has orded...on sunday as matter of fact. he's kenneth. the first person who spoke to me when i came into the cursed department. i still remember his exact words "hey...ke yi zou le leh ni hai deng se mo?". he was referring to every monday's RT or recreational training where we can leave work at 4pm instead of 5pm (at that era when it was still a 5.5 day work-week). over the weeks i got to know him better and realised that his character is somewhat like mine...dislike magic mats, never afraid to challenge authority and of course detest idiots. yam seng man. really enjoyed the times of xialaning and ninja-ing man. it's quite sad to see all of them leave one by one...but it also means i am going to gain nirvana too. 248 more days.

went clubbing last night with the newer kids. the music wasn't too gd last night which resulted in us leaving at the sacriligious hour of 2am. where got pple leave at 2am one... sampled a new drink called martini bianco 7-up.if you ask me, it tastes like some kinda spice for some kinda pasta. but it's nice though at first sip it tastes like shit. but as you slowly get used to the shit, the shit engulfs you, enfolds you till it becomes you.
shit becomes you.

maybe that's what life is about.
getting used to shit.

all of us in a little dark room
each trying to free his soul
love ever seeking
hearts ever breaking
when will we all realise
that everything looks perfect
cos we're in a
little dark room

personification

just got back from a movie titled "my brother"
uncannily, one of the characters reminded me of me
the fiesty one though not deviod of parental love
oftentimes i would wonder to myself "why me"
why would so much shit and celestial suayness always had
to be inflicted onto me and not the other high-headed
self righteous knuckleheads who deserved it more
until in the midst of the show, i realised that
tough times are meant for tough people

if the both of us were drowning
who do you think Mum would save first?>
mum would go for me cos you are the one
who knows how to swim

alittle cheesy, alittle corny
not everyone chose to be born
not everyone chose to be looked down upon
to forgive someone because he cannot help it
is remarkable
but to forgive someone because he's an idiot
is godly.

and in the land of stone and thyme
we will walk on the tides of winds
knowing that not all was in vain

spaghetti

it's one of those nights again
where i'm at a total loss of what to do
overwhelmed, overkilled by thoughts afringing
there's just so many things to be done
and decided upon.
but there's just so many things which i am doing
so much that it's killing me
giving me lesser or no time to think of the other things to be done





thoughts - the fuel for my insomnia
spaghetti thoughts - yummy fuel for my insomnia

retreat

just got back from loyang
yes chalets.
the only places where memories are made
and leave us ever remiscing
this time round it was with my dept's NSMEN branch's retreat
and although i'm from PLANNING i somehow got invited
i feel so honoured
anyways it was good
to have that moment of rest within such an interim part of the year
but alas i'm going back to work tomorrow
back to the zoo they say
somehow being there made me value the importance of the female sex
not that i'm horny or something
it somehow feels gay to have all guys in the same chalet
playing soccer games and gambling and all
certainly not my kind of pastime
the company was nevertheless good.

Think of me, think of me waking,
silent and resigned.
Imagine me, trying too hard
to put you from my mind.
Recall those days,
look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do
there will never be a day,
when I won't think of you.

unsettled

the days are getting stranger by the minute
just every day of every week is so damn different
people are nicer at a rate that scares me
and the stuff that happens is just..overwhelming

the end of the world is near

i took this quiz from sam's blog
seems trustable aha


Your dark side is centered around Death. Anger
running through your veins, your soul is
confused between staying or leaving in this
pointless world. All you want is an open
creative mind to go with your lifestyle, no
conditions or judges, just loyalty to each
other, so you can finally live your perfect
exicting world you always wanted, life will
worth something. You will find what you want
when you believe in something more valuable
then death and when you appreciate your life.


What is the center of your dark core? (updated)
brought to you by Quizilla

that feeling

things aren't the same anymore today
something's just not right
something wicked this way comes.
i shall keep a low profile today

the opera in the phantom

just caught (the remake) the phantom of the opera today with my poly friends. surprisingly after the many years of book-reading and fairy tales i've never once delved into "the phantom of the opera".

i quite like the idea of the story
that ignorance to aid
will lead to anger.
the anger that could make love
something to kill for

after all, no one can blame Mr P for the xialan stuff which he did.
his work was but magnificient,unrecognised,unappreciated
a man devoid of love
is love devoid itself
because eventually, everything is emotional.

Take the boat, swear to me, never to tell. The secret you know, of the Angel in Hell.

rain



this time i really screwed myself bad. i took a nap at 10pm earlier on only to wake up at 12am and now i can't get back to sleep. a time for self reflection perhaps? greatly apt. cos to add to the moment i can hear the soothing patter of the morning rain right outside my window admist the droning of the mistral fan
shut it off
it's not surprising that i'm still in such a disorganised state on the 5th day of the new year. so far things have been looking up considering the amount of shit that i had to face and how i handled it... great achievement indeed johnny, why don't you run along to 7-11 and buy yourself a chupa chup

i chanced upon
this empty night
thoughts embodying
the fervant mind
wandering through
the smouldered forest
unable to find
the One i've lost
born into confusion
in oblivion i grew
in reality
i simply stumbled
in pursuitof Sanity
beyond every moment
till the end of time

my mind is so full of thoughts and lists now so much so that i feel i'm going to have an anuerysm

indeed without passion, we would all be truly dead.

bewildered

as i was sitting in the usual corner seat of my bus on the way back today
a scrawny guy sat down next to me on my left
and then a girl
the most surprising thing (well in teh asian context) happened
the girl suddenly struck up a conversation with the guy
the guy obviously was stupified cos firstly, no one does that in singapore
and secondly, she was quite a chick
amusing i must say
i had to pretend to be asleep and laugh to myself LOL.

oh they were talking abt jc orientation
kids.

now i just posted crap.

office space

everyone's exceptionally nice today in office
so much that it's scaring me
am i panaroid or is life getting better

2005

just got back from cozy bay and then bedok 85 with justin and ah pek and another friend of his who wanted to tell me more about UNSW. Seems like almost everyone who has gone to australia to study is in UNSW. strange indeed. sylvie came to join us a little later and the usual talk cock session began. apparently she knows ahpek's friend and vice versa. small world indeed. which if why one of my new year's resolutions is to be nice to everyone. 2004 ended with rain. it's really silly the way i counted down....luckily for me my backup plan worked although the moment i reached the indoor stadium's carpark, opened my driver seat door and put my right foot down i heard "1..HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!" i missed the moment, yet embraced it who knows what thaty meant for the rest of the year...

a new time a new mind
a new moment in
the same land of mine
will i be filled with sorrow
joy or despair
in such an era
of uncertain affairs
i wish for strength
courage and mind
to help me go through
life's issues of slime

so the year has not yet ended

woke up abt 20 mins ago to a blacked sky. i thought i had missed the countdown
but in the end i realised that it was only raining..heavily
2 groups have emerged. one wants to chiong and get wasted while the other just wants a peaceful one gathered at someone's place to chat the year away.
but it's raining

i don't wanna get wet
i hate to be wet

but time is running out and i think daddys going out with the the car.

so the year is ending

i just wasted 10 minutes while trying to open an opendiary a/c but got so pissed at the stupid offers and marketing shit which they so fervently bombard me with that i just decided to end the process by clicking on the "x" button at the top right hand corner.

it's almost 3 and i still have no plans on what to do for the night.
am i a loser? it's kinda sad realising that i was kinda late in planning for what to do. all my friends who have girlfriends are out with them the ones who don't are out with other friends. leaving me alone? have i no friends?
k lame attempt at acting pitiful there.
right now my main concern is getting sleep. worst come to worst i hang out with miss PS2 lor.

somehow i'm been having a bad bout of "bad luck/shit/suayness" (whatever you call it) and it seems to be stretching into the new year. i hope it ends soon even though i know life isn't fair. i hope 2005 will be a better one for me. 2004 gave me a hope that maybe love would find its way to me...it did...but it died. not having hopes of it resurrecting in 2005 though....we'll see
i hope the office will become a better place too...with me acting though and all maybe those tyrants will think that i'm a fiesty one and disturb me less....we'll see

but in the words of yunalesca from ffx "hope is comforting" - something used to console us in times of shit when it actually doesn't help the situation.

argh gotta sleep i sense insanity coming soon. like one big emotional tsunami.

a movie; the zoo; dead bodies



the past night i was out watching a movie with a girl friend of mine --something which i stopped doing since i entered the beautiful world of NS. the movie was crap; oceans twelve somehow didn't give me that sense of thrill which ocean's eleven gave when i watched the movie maybe like three years ago. and yes marina square cineplex is screwed i can't believe that i spent 15 minutes trying to locate the damn cinema cos of their concurrent renovation works for a better future. for those of you all who wanna watch a movie at marina, enter by the ritz side or the oriental side (walk to oriental's main entrace and go up the stairs there); movie aside, managed to catch up on things with reggie after like so long of not seeing her. i have to admit that maybe there's still hope for mankind. with a person like her who's so ever willing to help others (in the area of social work) and being optimistic and all. those who know me will know that i'm the opposite. mankind is doomed. anyways i wish her the best in her pursuit of finding a good husband and settling down. (that's her plan in 5 years,she's working on it)oh after that i went to meet up with another friend of mine: ah pek who just got back from sydney for his vacation. told me lots of shit abt the new uni life overseas and stuff. seems to me there're alot of stuff which i have yet to think about. my only big worry is i hope the friend i'm going with will be able to tahan all those shit..if not i will be shit too.


woke up at 1.45pm tdy and turned on my phone...only to realised that i have 7 missed calls and 7 smses. well done. i have failed in my maintanence of SQA by waking up late. i was suppossed to meet darryl at ginza plaza at 12.30pm and go to the zoo together with kennetha nd stanley. after abt 5 minutes of calling here and there to set new timings, i proceeded to take a 5 minute express bath while darryl made his way to my house. then the best thing happened. rain fell from the heavens. it was no damper though, we did go to the zoo in the end (it has changed incredibly the last time i visited it when i was still in pri 1) though we could have spent more time there. the animals was all kinda bored as usual. i must say the best occupation in life would be an animal living in the zoo. you get to slack and eat free food until the day you die.hate people looking at you? find a corner and sleep. if you're bored you can escape the zoo and have a little odyssey of your own and yes, you get to see chicks and hunks either through the looking glass or a few feet away from the moat of your enclosure. who knows, it may seem that the zoo has come to you instead. children and guys chasing girls are definetly animals. maybe i shall get free tickets again next year.

everyday from 4 days ago i can't help but hear/see news of the tsunamis that struck acheh every breathing moment of my life. in a way, looking at the dead bodies strewn haphazardly on the once prefect shorelines of the tourist islands of asia seemed like the scene from final fantasy x, where SIN attacked the coastal town of Kilika...and also the part where they tried to destroy sin but failed. now i know why they say Life's like a game. it's depressing. and with so many people missing at all. depressing. i guess the only thing i can do right now is say prayers to those affected. because eventually, everything is emotional.

boxing day

i'm finally back from around the world
from my previous entry till now i visited my uncle's place for christmas dinner, made a trip to sylvia's houses to fetch a damn bird only to deliver it to my other uncle's at kallang bahru. Felt bored so i decided to head on down to town to meet up with my colleagues from PNSD. headed back home to grab sylvia's present and my neighbour b4 reappearing at her place to give it to her.

so this is it. Christmas come and gone. it took so much effort to wait in expectation and now it's come and gone. sounds so much like a relationship which ended in breakup huh. 5 more damn days to the new year. 2004 has been a shitty year for me.

Another year, Another tree
But this year you won't be with me
and now it's gone leaving me
to wait one whole year
yesterday used to be, my favorite holiday
My Christmas Eve was filled with dreams
But Today came and chased them all away

Why did you leave me for Christmas?
You left me lonely its true
Could you have waited til New Years?
At least the year would be through
And now the misletoe's hanging
For no reason at all
And all the presents are unwrapped
But there isn't You.

because eventually, everything is emotional.

reboot

woke up at 11.30am only to wonder how i managed to find my bed when i got home last night. surprisingly i had done everything that i should before i went to bed, which included:
-locking the damn door,
-taking off my shoes and socks and then putting my shoes on the shoe-rack and socks in the washer
-bathing and dumping my clothes in teh washer
-wrapping my parents's christmas gifts and placing them in the toilet where they would see them the first thing in the morning.

but i forgot i had 4 cuts on my hand and reality hit me back again

today, i was pissed at 2 things :
-at why my mum didn't refill the damn toilet paper in the toilet
-how a complete fucking mess my room is

and with that i shall spend christmas afternoon packing it up

christmas

a merry christmas to all
what the Bible said was true
"don't ever get drunk"

pre christmas

just returned from a rough night out at the movies and zouk
well intially i just headed down to town to pick up a few presents for my cousins...until we decided to watch a movie (national treasue); which not only had a fittingly nice plot but also a dash of ingenuity for factual fiction. after the movie, we initially planned to go home until i ahd the stupid idea of going to zouk/phuture to rave since i'll be taking leave the next day...and sure as hell did we rave. from running around between phuture and zouk till stoning outside and watching the chick go by...lol saw a few of them puking their guts out though..i think i took a videoclip of one..but fuck it i'm too tired to look at it anyway.

last christmas i gave you my heart
the very next day you gave it away
this year to save em from fear
i shot myself with shot eternal joy

my only wish

i just got back from hanging out with my usual gang-o-friends. its good to see them after like..4 mths? and wad the hell all of them are attached already which only leaves me and justin single. looking at Lip's newfound angel i can't help but feel happy albeit abit envious for him. eitherways, the meet and greet session was what the brits would term "brilliant" / or "lovely".


Santa can you hear me
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is near
She's all I want just for me
Underneath my christmas tree
I'll be waiting here santa thats my only wish this year
I hope my letter reaches you in time
Bring me love can call all mine
cause I have been so good this year
well if you can't i'll just settle for an ipod

passion


the source of our finest moments
the joy of love
the clarity of hathred
and the estacy of grief

it hurts sometimes
more than we can bear
if we could live without passion
maybe we would know some
kind of peace

but we would be hollow.

empty rooms, shuttered and dark
without passion
we would be truly dead

drusilla

does it ever get easy?
you mean life?
yeah, does it get easy?
what do you want me to say?
lie to me.
yes, it's terribly simple
the good guys are always stalwart and true
the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats.
and we always defeat them and save the day
no one ever dies and everybody lives happily ever after
liar.

-Lie To Me

out of Tracom 1 year 1 day on...



I just got back from the wedding earlier mentioned. i'm quite surprised i survived it cos it wasn't as bad as i expected it to be. Lucky for me i sat next to my dad's best friend who told me about what he and my dad and his gang of monkeys did while they were young. No wonder my dad was so afraid that i would become a bastard when i grew up...cos he was one when he was a kid...from stealing fruits to killing rats with home made "guns" with the tips of bicycle spokes as ammo to killing dogs and king cobras and other stuff which i shan't mention wtf.

i must surpass my dad one day.

anyway, back at the topic of tracom. it's been 1 year and 1 day since i left that shitty place. looking back, i'm quite lucky to have an office job unlike the other police officers. i get to earn hours, keep my public holidays and have a pretty much normal life than the other people in the defective force as well as divisional police officers.

i'll just have to survive 290 more days

not forgetting as an when i can just take leave to hit the beach like yesterday,
where me and another like minded idiot decided to take the 2nd half of the day off to go to sentosa to chill. we chose tanjong beach cos i decided that if he were to drown, at least we wun sia suay as much as if he were to drown at palawan or siloso beach cos tanjong beach is the most remote of the 3.

he didn't drown.

and there weren't many chicks too
at least i managed to get a tan or something.

Out of tracom 1 year on...

Today marks 1 year since i passed out of Police Academy. right now at this time, i would be marching in the POP parade.
as for now, i'm going to a stupid wedding dinner with the only people i know being my mum and probably my dad's friends.
dammit.

untitled

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

disappointment

staring into hyperspace
in the night at Time's pace
tears well up in bloodshot eyes like
a thousand nails piercing
through thin ice
a heavy heart, an empty soul like
the joy of Death, on a newborn holds
thoughts of self, thoughts of life
thoughts of never having a wife.
thoughts of failure, thoughts of doubt
thoughts of achievement, of
beating the crowd
thoughts of you, thoughts of me
thoughts of going on
a killing spree
thoughts of summer, thoughts of joy
thoughts of paradise
lost
like a broken toy.
waiting is a painful task
knowing and waiting makes twice the fuss
i want to know the meaning of
peace and love of
kindness, joy and blissfulness
till the whole earth is shrouded in ash
till the sunlight burns all sight
till the end of time and space
give me This Moment's grief with grace

kenneth

the day was spent by first driving my director to tracom and wasting 3 hours of my life there waiting for him. Of course, i didn't just waste it by rotting in the car, i went to the canteen and library. Afterwhich it was back to PCC where we had this redundantly important deeparaya celebration cum ord party and then driving my supervisor and mugly to cmpb and phq and then heheh...

the end is near.
people in the 109 Intake will be leaving soon.
one of them is kenneth.
the man whom i felt who's character is closest like mine
hating stupidity. dissing ah bengs. fucking authority.
fucking authority. respecting the righteous.
expressing our thoughts.
practical.
logical.
ruthless.
kind.
that's us. i must say it was fun having him in office
and just like darryl and ian and the rest of the gang
he's leaving for a better life.

i'll always remember the secret missions
the silent plans of strict restriction
of arduous journeys to the east and north
and dangerous voyages to the west and south
the times spent at fishops and sim lim sq
the time in bangkok where we almost wanted to kill
everybody for being so slow
they're great memories
of a life once spent
and just like what memories do
they make me sad
realising that i'm more alone now
stuck in that shithole.
nevertheless i wish you godspeed in your endeavors in life
continue to fuck the world
cos' it's only right.




yam seng.

social worker

2 new kids in the pen
totalling 6 in the den
it's driving me mad
making me scared
waiting to get out of
this crazy mess

fear of tonight
fear of sight
of future of past
of present this night
fear of rejection
truth and lie
fear of all things
dead or alive

sitting right here
in lighted virtuosity
blinking, clicking, tapping away
in the life of darkness
dead of the night
feels so much like Home
yet doesn't

feelings wax and
feelings wane
feelings are but temporal
about personal gain

without the right moment
at the wrong time
it feels like fish sex

in the end, it's just feelings

notice how it gets crappier 6 lines above? cos' i was being distracted by a girl called regina. she wants to be a social worker and is leaving on friday. i noe she's reading this and probably wants me to say i will miss her

ok. i will miss her

the edge of reason

every day i would wake up to this :

until i got so pissed with it that not wanting to be like the man in my nasi lemak joke, i decided to do this :

for the whole damn day...cep't maybe at night to prevent ninjas from coming into my room.
feels better without those grid lines. i never liked constraints anyway maybe that's why i find it so hard to commit to things.
after a 2 week "holiday", think back --

8 Nov - Worked
9 Nov - Half day MC
10 Nov - MC
11 - Deepavali
12 - Worked
13-15 - Weekend + Holiday in Lieu of Hari Raya
16 - ORD Shoot
17-19 -Flash course

i'm beginning to feel the boredom of working later today sink in.

i thought about the following while taking a shit in the loo:

if telling the truth isn't always good
then lying isn't always bad
and if telling the truth makes someone feel bad
then lying can be good
if good things can come from lying
and bad things can come from telling the truth
then although sometimes telling part of the truth
has the same end result as telling a lie (that is if lying would hurt)

sounds like programming huh.
argh fuckit.
i conclude that
lying is good.

if it isn't, i would be lying.

flashing and dashing

day 2 of the flash course. i just realised that i'm the youngest in the class full of korkor-ish and jiejie-ish people not forgetting the handful of aunties...so far so good pace and all cept that i think i'm down with the damn flu.
bored as hell. waiting for the lecturer to continue with class while the slower ones hang on with life.
i noticed i always try to be different while flashing
thus the phrase
kiang ju hoh...mai ge kiang

i'm a flasher!!.

day one of the flash course. everything's cool and fun. in fact, my course mate said this "i like this class...all very slow learners"
there are no chicks though.dammit! but at least it's very near holland village
lol
having break now...and messing
around with the flash environment.
heck i'm beginning to feel the "designer" in me.

human memory is just a record.
we can erase that record. really?.

-went for ord shoot tdy. almost messed up if not for Grance

lately Nostalgia has been haunting me in my wakefullness and in sleep. so much more that sleep is no longer sleep for me.
images of the past keep flashing back everytime i space out or seconds after i close my eyes and delve into the perfect vortex of darkness.
i recall the time while i was in primary one doing my Nespe maths workbook while lying on the walkway in the master bedroom;the time i was walking in the garden of my late granfather's garden, how i used to lie fully stretched out on the backseat of my old man's green SBB7573H Honda Civic every sunday while we head to my grandmother's house; the time when i pulled the sofa in the hall to the middle of the hall to play street fighter on my sega genesis; switching on my first computer to play duke nukem and typing on wordperfect 6; eating this yellow chicken flavoured snack called "kaka" after going swimming with my dad after school. (he would wait for me to sing the damn national anthem at the end of the day at school on fridays); how my mum would take me to the arcade to play after am/session school and recently after cleaning out my den, this weird feeling of "everything is clean and proper and neat ---> just perfect for starting out on a new school year" keeps getting to me.

in a sense it's soothing, surreal yet scarey.

i mean wtf am i having these flashbacks and feelings? is Instinct telling me something (normally bad) is going to happen? having memories of the past suddenly coming back to me and that doesn't usually happen. and if they do, there has to be a reason.

what's the worth of a happy memory when it comes back to mind when you're sad, further burying you into deeper joyful sadness.

i think i need to see a shrink.
but maybe i can self medicate
redbull gives me wings

i did this earlier tonight on freehand. and realised that i don't like freehand cos somehow it messed up my dimension and resolution (it's damn bad but when printed it's ok) thingy. maybe i'm a noob that's why.



i just realised. all those memories, they made me feel safe at the time they happened.
but not now.

maybe this is the end of reason
maybe this is where realisation sinks in
for right now i know
i am all alone.

laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone

the big cleanup

as i mentioned earlier. i did wake up (at 1pm) to clean my stupid messed up room. the whole operation took 4 hours....

i cleaned and cleared my room. cleaning was easy although it involved shifting whatever was on my L-table off into somewhere and getting rid of the stupid wires which ensued :



after 2 pail changes of detergent and alot of dust later i had to wipe all the appliances one by one. (my favs were my ps2 and lcd monitor so i took extra care to wipe them) and since you take off your pants b4 ur underwear and put on ur underwear b4 ur pants i had to do the same to the whole damn table. dummies read : take off appliances--> clean table --> clean appliances --> put back appliances on table--> connect the cables.

now came the clearing part. it was harder as it involved throwing away stuff which i may be emotionally attached to and although i clean my room bi-annually i still have alot of junk cos either i can't bear to throw them away; or i'll have this stupid aunty thinking of "i may need it next time"

so i started with the 2 plastic boxes under my table. This time i had grown stronger. i managed to throw most of the stuff in it away.. camp books (screw the memories, most of the people prolly won't remember me anyway) test-tubes and other stuff from school (yes i was a cheeky one) toys etc

until i came across a sealed up pack titled "regrets". my first thought was "wtf? how come i had a pack of regrets hiding in my room (think lit guys lol) and thus i opened it..

fuck.



it was a pack of consolidated paraphernalia (ie notes, letters, photographs, a ring and a breakup letter) from my prev prev prev relationship. (well at least i was smart enough to not leave them around EVERYWHERE in the room i kept them in a pack) funny how it still existed although i've thought that i've thrown it away so many years ago. i thought back and wondered for awhile on what we could have been and shit..the feeling sucks. after reading the stupid breakup letter i realised (and remembered) that the reason why it didn't work out was cos she felt that i did not have enough time for her and didn't show her enough love. hmm.. come to think of it maybe i wasn't too obvious in those little actions of love (not that i'm superstitious i'm a damn aquarian and they aren't gd at expression) and shit and yeah maybe i was easily distracted (she did mention i did not hear her out when she called me and i was playing cs) but one things for sure i did love her. i realised i was retarded too cos i dun recall going back her. bastard right? we all make mistakes i guess. well at least i'll know what to take note of next time i have a girlfriend (if i ever have one right now there seems to be NO FUTURE.)

ah. fuckit. it's over 5 fucking years ago man

and so i tore and slashed and burned the happy meal pack to the high heavens
and got on with my life (clearing my room)
lit guys will prolly think "oh johnny's got rid of the chain that's binding him and maybe you're right cos i thought of that too

hmm i threw away alot of computer stuff and books which i thought i was being stupid cos i recall at one point of time i just bought books for the sake of buying and reading which meant buying books with no value like "flight of the eagles" ...wtf man how sad was i. and did i meantion i was sad enough to listen to backstreet boys and ott? FUCK. well. got rid of them.

all in all it was quite a happy day. 11 ntuc bagfulls of trash, 1 happy pack (the regrets pack) and 1 kg of dust (k i was kidding)

now i have to get a new watch for myself next month.
it's the last thing that's binding me.
right now, i'll just live for the moment.

what am i doing

surprisingly, when i plan for stuff to do, it always gets screwed up but when i don't, weird shit starts happenning to me. take today for eg. i wanted to "not waste the night" since tomorrow's (or rather tdy)a holiday. problem was, everyone on my msn/icq/phone book list was either occupied or were the people i figured spending the night with would not be o-so-smooth for me. except for one guy. deenie. was hanging with him when one of my friends called me and asked if i wanted to go hang out. being bored and for the fact deenie was about to leave i agreed. and so the saga with another close buddy of mine and 3 girls started.

it was weird. maybe cos i wasn't prepared. but still weird.
if today's incident was an rpg battle., i would have levelled up a pathetic 2 exp points

dumb. after hearing from most of my friends that they have or are "cleaning up my room" i decided i shall pack my room later when i wake up. it's in the same state ass my mind right now -- MESSED UP. unless of course something else interesting pops into my face for the day.

making out with people
i hardly know or like
I can't believe what I do
late at night.
holding up the book in my hands
i read the last page so well
but i can't see the first
standing at the gates i see
the beauty above
and not feel it
i just had a bad night.
i just had a bad night.

complicated

i long for the
warmth of days gone by
where innocence was still a virtue
and lies were considered sacriligeous


lately apathy has sunken into me, not that it wasn't already resident in me.
there're so many movies/anime/tv drama episodes for me to clear. so much that i have no time. not forgetting the many things i have yet to learn which i have used the phrase "not enough time" as an excuse to procrastinate.

the things we possess will ultimately possess us all.

maybe i should just close my eyes, highlight all the files and hit shift+delete followed by a space? or close my eyes and smash the com?
why close my eyes?
the heartache would still be there. it doesn't help in anything

we do so many things, write up SOPs and instructions on how to do certain things on the pretext of "for smoother transmission", "for proper channelling", "for ease of pain", "fo convenience"; basically "for the better". when actually everything can be cut down and simplified into a single step.

which reminds me...the bitchlorette just sent me an email telling me to minimise on the word "fuck" in my conversations with the peeps when obviously the person who was saying "fuck" in all previous message history wasn't me.

is "fuck" that really bad a word? if so, why would it be in a dictionary.
it's useful. that's why it's in the dictionary.

maybe that's why we live in a complicated world.

one day technology will burn itself out

winter's warm and summer's cold.
it's raining here almost everyday.
how i wish hail would just fall and
kill everyone else.

home

you tell me that i'm home
but why, why don't i ever feel it
like a fish out of living water
ice in the fire

and love dances on our minds
and we fall into each other's eyes
time passes us by

talking at starbucks
over coffee and a biscotti
and that was when; when
you made me feel human
part of this universe

slamming; slamming down the receiver
is it over; our little adventure
and now; bottle of merlot later
i feel so much sober
its like runing through the rain

you tell me that i'm home
buy why, why don't i ever feel it
were the higher powers having fun
making love a big great pun

got to the heart of the matter
and lingered
problems unsolved, feelings dwindled
shouldn't have let go, persisted
and now, now's a case of tristan and isolde
the settling of a story

you tell me that i'm home
and now; i feel the pain of silence
biting into my selfless state of mind
and home feels cold indeed.

understand this is a dream

so quiet. another wasted night.
winamp steals the conversation
i can't believe i sprained my back
for the first time in my life. must be getting old. anyway 2 days of mc was nice
the only regret i had was not taking leave for friday.
if i did, i would literally not be working for one week.
been playing star ocean : till the end of time lately
nice game but full of shit cos their maps are horrendous

just got back from a failed attempt to enter phuture
watched some thai horror movie called "shutter" instead.
predictable yet intriguing
my adidas watch is going crazy. the time keeps on jumping towards the future
maybe my time is up?

there's just so many things that i wanna do
but can't find the time to
we are all in love
and we all got hurt

mind in death in mind

the universe looks down on june
every night, every hour
the only thing that looks back at it
her lifeless soul within her eyes
she looks so pretty in her bloodstained dress
like pinot noir in the old winepress
but it served well
it served well

across the ocean tim's body lies
full of maggots and squatter flies
malnutrition and mercury
the culprits of his misery

amber hangs upon a tree
her broken neck her spirit free
she looks so peaceful and oh so sweet
who'd have known about this heartless deed

three tragic deaths on the
very same day
what could be said
come what may
that life's as short as a butterfly's
colourful flippity and after awhile
it dies

the last juror

i've just finished reading "the last juror" by john grisham and sad to say, it was quite disappointing 'cos the outcome was clearly predicatable. true, he did try to keep his story interesting by creating the ocassional twist; but i've also noticed that there's too much wastage of paper in the inclusion of so many importantly redundant characters which do not really affect the story at all. crap. is this it? are his books really going down the drain? or was "the last juror" actually aimed at a racial/political topic rather than the usual legal one?

lately i've been filled/motivated to do a lot of things. but the stupid problem is time. with 8.5 hours a day that'll only leave me with another 8hrs b4 i hit the sack. it's no wonder the working class people are so moody. they literally don't have a life.

i'm falling sick.
the runny nose came yesterday
the dry cough today
tomorrow my ears will be blocked
and by sat i would have acquired full fledged bird-flu from bangkok

kiss me. we shall enjoy death in eternity.

i'm starting to feel christmasy again

with my recent return from a much deserved but inadequate break
and with the increasingly frequent rainy weather which i'm experiencing right now
with the cool air lingering around me
and the half-fuck christmas decorations along orchard road and various stores
with the fact that it's already november 3
and that i have slightly more than 300 days to ord

i'm starting to feel christmasy again

it's a nice feeling, being cosy and stuff. the sense of peace. Although i have a feeling it may be fake but even a fake sense of peace is able to calm me for at least a second. maybe...nostalgic?

whatever it is, it's nice (ok i'm starting to sound gay again)

but sad to say,

THE OFFICE PEOPLE STILL PISS ME OFF.

so let's just hope this christmasy feeling will be able to make me happy and have something to look forward to.

some say i am crazy
others angsty
all i can say is
if you were me,

what would johnny do?

bangkok revisited

i just got back from a 3d3n vacation affair at bangkok. indeed, it has been 3 years since i last visited the asian capital renowned for its traffic jams, sex and the vices. it has nevertheless left me amazed though - thus the slogan "amazing thailand"
many things have chaneged - the electric rail infrastruce has been upgraded (it now has 2 lines instead of 1), shops are better organised and structured and more thais know how to speak english now.

the vacation was a departmental affair, some annual gathering shit but when we got there, it wasn't really a gathering cos everyone wasted no time in forming their own cliques and scurrying around town like any average singaporean would do, thus the irony. i myself was quite disappointed cos i could not commit myself to a few friends whom i made them think i would go aroud town with them.

anyways, to cut the story short, point form :

night 1 :

- arrived @ don muang airport, was sent to hotel via coach. legs were itchy, went out with everyone in search of food. failure. ate cup noodles instead.

day 1 - night 2:

- woke up, ate breakfast, walked to national stadium bts stn, took a train and alighted one stop later (silly) at siam to go to the ever famous MBK ctr. stormed and explored the place in 2 hrs, ate lunch at sophisticated looking but lousy foodcourt. proceeded to siam discovery centre. conquered it, proceeded to siam centre, conquered it, proceeded to erawan shrine cos my pious friends wanted to pray to buddha, took some shots, took in some city air, choked on some carbon monoxide dust particles, proceeeded to central world plaza (former world trade ctr; did the whole world rename their world trade centres cos of 911?); ate coca there; returned to hotel; swam an emo swim at the hotel pool while friends went for massage;met up with the group and went to suan lum, a new commercialised (sad) but nice environment set up by the thai tourism board for tourists; went to chinatown; went back to hotel.

day 2 - night 3

-woke up, ate breakfast, went to chatuchak market; went to MBK again to eat lunch at MK (some thai steamboat shit) went to siam centre, went back to hotel; swam an emo swim again at the hotel pool while friends went for massage; met up with roomate and walked to tesco (some sub urban mall) for japanese cuisine with another friend; went back to hotel; went to Q-Bar to celebrate a friend's birthday; roomate did not bring shoes; got refused entry; hooray; searched for another bar around the sukumvit area; found one; saw a few fugly transversites dancing; got disgusted;ordered more beer to help me vision them as pretty girls; left the bar; went to patpong while the others went back; left patpong for hotel

day 3 - home

-woke up, ate breakfast,went to MBK for last minute shopping; shitted there ; lost my clique; wasted 2 bucks on stupid friend who's hp reception sucked; found them; completed shopping; left for hotel; checked out; felt sad; left for airport; still felt sad; got onto the plane; slept to help myself to not feel sad; reached singapore(SHIT); accepted the fact that there's work tomorrow.

and so that was it.





the trip as given me insight some of which are :

-singaporeans are still fugly (notice i used the words F-U-G-L-Y)
when it comes to shopping. they shamelessly slash prices to be termed unreasonable and demand to be sold goods at a cheaper price without considering whether the shopkeeper would be able to earn anything at all.
-many people still have not seen the world although they claim to have to
-most guys are horny
-many people can't walk far
-thailand has the best drivers in the world (and i'm not being sarcastic here)

sk972

its pouring heavily outside my window right now
the sky's a sickly yellowish shade and somehow the rain seems to be getting heavier
as if scorning me, forestalling me in my attempt to leave my beseiged castle.

in an hour's time, i would be at changi airport.
in bangkok
living "the beach" life

goodbye to my home.

truth

i just got back from a late night show with gerard
the show was called "old boy" and though it was rated r21 i'm damn sure it's for the impressive violence and not for the distasteful nudity.. which leads me to today's topic : truth

is the truth worth finding out?
at all?
even if it means realising that you've lived a lie your whole life
even if it means realising that the love you share between your sig. other
was fabricated? pre-arranged? intentional? created; not by the both of you?
with your only being; a marionette of Fate?

if so, why do so many people seek the truth
only to fall back into disdain upon finding it
returning as broken men

i guess it's human nature. to be curious.
to be the "kaypoh" and crowd around the corpse of someone who had committed suicide.
to look even though your friend has already warned you "eh dun look the guy/girl not handsome/pretty one"
to want to be let in on the latest gossip

perhaps Pandora was a fool
perhaps Eve was a bitch
but one thing's for sure

curiousity led them to want to find out the truth
only to be screwed by it.

but then again, if they did not find out the truth
and continued to be ignorant; or maybe living their fake perfect lives (if their lives were fake).
what point is there then?

i guess the only solution is that

they should all die

btw the movie was a kick ass show.

the truth will set you free
but ignorance is bliss. is it?

bored. and lame

was bored and so
i decided to be lame
and did
a couple of quizzes
which labelled me lame

again


Peace


?? Which Angel Or Demon Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

and again


You are Wrath/Anger!
Wow... who got you so mad huh ?? You have serious
anger issues!! with a rage that seems somewhat
deadly, and a temper that is easily raised, you
are by far the scariest sin. You tend to let
the little things get to you, and are stressed
fairly easily - and woe be it to any of your
enemies. On the positive side, you're
independent, powerful and a definite leader, if
you could just control your moods!
Congratulations on being the toughest!! ...and the
most independent of all the 7 deadly sins!


?? Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You ??
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and again


You're like a Dark Unicorn!


?? Which Mythical Creature Are You ??
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and again.


You're Most Like The Season Winter ...

You're often depicted as the cold, distant season.
But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and
Independant. You have an air of power around
you - and that can sometimes scare people off.
You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you
rarely let people in if you can help it. You
can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily
you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be
negative, and hard to relate to, but you give
off a relaxed image despite being insecure -
and secretly many people long to be like you,
not knowing how deep the Winter season really
is.

Well done... You're the most inspirational of
seasons :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
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a tribute to darryl


today is the day one of my colleagues officially end his slavery to the nation. he probably won't be reading it but like all other people who i feel deserve respect he shall have his name mentioned at least over here.

darryl can be considered the guy who would ord 1 year before me. which means..by right 1 year from now i would be kissing the department goodbye. But due to some mess stroke of luck, if luck ever existed, i would ord earlier then 17th oct 2005. anyways :

he's one of the few people who can understand as well as crack high level jokes which the denser people would never understand. maybe that's why we're labelled "toxic people" and can click so well. haha. not forgetting his cool sleeping corner where i would always seek refuge when i am feeling so damn sleepy in office. he's also one who would never fail to amuse me when i am feelign so goddamn bored in office. and although he likes to mess my workstation up, he's just being him..which whenever i think back of his silly "mess up johnny's workstation" acts, i never fail to smile to myself.

thanks a lot bro for the funny times , the shitty times, the happy times and the crap most of the time. i hope you'll enjoy your well deserved freedom (not that you deserved to become a slave to the country anyway.) take care of jo*****n and happy studying at SIM.

Don't worry, we'll keep in touch via msn. i swear. YAM SENG.

today



today i saw you again
and today i wept
for after today i doubt
that we would ever cross paths again

i've lost meaning in the little world
beside my lcd monitor of glass sand and water
maybe it's time to give it all up
it has ceased to bring me happiness

hapiness.
the sorrow of those who don't have it
the pain of the destitute
the wound of paradise lost.

plastic beauty

and you came to me
with bright sparkling eyes
too innocent to look at
sacriligeous to think of
why do you try so hard to fit in
when you were made to stand out

a friend and i were idly chatting about how he's going to backup his 40gb of movies and batman and x-men and southpark and whatever tv series and movies that he has so painstakingly downloaded over the months.

me : " but what's the point in doing all these...nothing lasts forever, who knows you may not even have the time to watch them"
friend : " keep lah, then 10 years from now you can watch again...force our kids to watch with us"
me: " you won't have the time controlling those little monsters, let alone sitting down and watching batman with them. morever 10 years from know we probably won't be using cds anymore"
friend : "ya hor...little bastards. but i'll worry about that later"

*spastic laughter ensues*

btw i got my lumix fx-7 today. quite cool to hate. the shopowner even threw in a semi-hard case for me

happiness

as i waited at the bus berth for 282 after a rather unproductive, but expected night of wasteful expenditure, i can't help but notice that almost everyone who walked past wore the same listless and rather unhappy look on their faces. noticebly, about 5 girls who,had actually no relation to each other said goodbye to their clique of friends/boyfriend on 5 different occasions on this same humid night put on the same expression after they were done with their goodbyes...

does everyone look so bored once the fun is over?

if so, then what's the point of being happy, if it only lasts awhile

sensuous ecstatic melancholic joy.

what is the actual value of happiness after we minus off the bidding of farewell hugs and kisses, when enjoyment ends or when finances run out, when loved ones die when day turns to night and vice versa

So much for all the fun we had, it served well
and now it's' gone and they're wasted on time.
So much for your lingering sense of attraction, it served well
and now it's gone and now i've no time left.
So much for this hazy night, it served well
and now it's gone and i've wasted it away.

for even in pain we can sleep

slowly but gently
my body is breaking down
one by one by one by one
the pain in my head hurts so much
so much so that i think i'm going to die of an aneurysm
it's throbbing my senses away

i've lost complete knowledge of time
of this hidden reality so forged by my prison

stomach wrenching contortions
greet me every ungodly hour
them pain is so great
that it is almost so soothing

what have i done
where did i go
to have such pleasures
so generously bestowed on me

Est Sularus oth Mithas

i cannot take this anymore

sometimes i feel that i don't know myself anymore
i play the saint in front of others when i'm actually the
devil incarnate. (as in the case of pushing work not withn my job-scope away to others) but that's the way this world works doesn't it?
full of pretence, sweet nothings and empty promises
but somehow a part of me says "you can't do this",
"it's just so wrong", "stop being a hypocrite"
hypocrisy is relative now
and so does goodwill
but sometimes i just want to break free of it all...and get hurt in the process?
fuckit.

is there any redemption in all of this?

maybe someday there will be
maybe not.
whatever it is, screw the whole lot

we used to share and care for one another when we were young
remember the days in pri/sec school?
but once we're out we build a wall
and undercut each other to reach our own goals.

life wasn't meant to be this way does it?
but then again, even in a world of perfection
we still fall

as in the case of adam and eve.

so where is the love where is the happiness
the joy we all thirst

true poetry was written by a powerful drunk.

silent drive

incessant footsteps follow me
throughout the night througout all time
concrete walls enfold me
in the darkness of night
in the silence of the surroundings
what lies ahead is nothing but space
sacred space so indefinetly full
of the harshness of solitude
in it i find true joy
to bask in the moonlight
of a western sky
gasping of breath could be heard below me
the footsteps become harder
the running stops
and i stand alone in silent glee.

pause

where did i come from
and where am i headed

these words keep ringing in my head as i continue to meet different people as i continue on with life.

joan of arc

she was so sweet, demure
that by just looking at her
i felt myself melting away in a flurry of euphoria
the words could not flow as freely as they should
just in the her presence

and so i took a walk
into the night into endless
space when finally i reached my goal
a book, so greatly coveted
but it could never replace the being
whom i met earlier a few hours ago.

national service. 1 year more to go


exactly at the stroke of midnight, this fair night, one year from this date
i would have officially ended my slavery to the nation. the sacred 3-letter word which is so coveted by every male in this country

looking back, i've already done 14 months of service , with the first 5 mths in the academy and the remainder still counting in a department called PNSD. it seemed so slow when i was in the academy but yet so fast when i was posted in PNSD. so much so that i've alreeady spent at least 9 months there. of course, anyone who have been through so much would say that "time flies" when actually it has always been constant.

i do not deny that i have a better NS life than those people in the SAF. just because it isn't so physically taxing in the police force. and i do not deny that i am blessed with the priviledge of staying out every night thus having a "normal" working-like life. but it has its downsides too and some of them inclue having lower pay as i do not have operational allowance and i spend more than the guys in green. but i guess that's what the rule of conservation is here for. I did not choose my path in NS. CMPB did.

this world is unfair, yet it is able to do justice at certain times.

and so here i am, 21 years on, 14 mths into ns. The days will continue to be long, yet short, more shit to be expected, more scoldings and more lessons to be learnt. at the end of the day, it will be my entitlement to say "ORD LOH!" to all the newbies who have yet to leave the service. and continue on with my dysfunctional life. would i grow stronger then? or be more corrupted in values? would i gain anything from it all?

i have exactly 365 days to find out.

how far would i go

friday 9am. woke up to the fucking morning sky
phone said hi with 2 messages asking me what time to meet and where
replied with 11am kranji mrt stn.
washed up, put some clothes one splashed some cologne on prematurely dried jeans
packed ninja packed checked out of den
knocked door said hi to accomplice and took a bus down to mrt stn
waited for justin who was late. shame to the SAF.
got on the bus zipped through customs, checked out a few chicks and landed in larkin
welcome to cockroach city.

got in the car made a new friend went to have lunch. lunch was gastronimic, sinful anti-halal organs. thank God i was chinese. f.oed and proceeded on sidequest.

took in the sights, consoled myself imagined what my life would be if i were to stay there. concluded it would be truly asian.
bought mooncakes reached saleng dropped them off and f-oed to holiday inn plaza.

welcome to thief haven.
spammed the movies paid in hell notes f-oed and went to send off gerard as he had some shit to do.

new idea: should i stay or should i go?
fuckit.
i decided to stay

new doors opened, a new freedom found
bought tix to "new police story" 9.40pm show at leisure pelangi
went back to ambassador's place to regroup.

after an hour of training my PR skills, it was 7pm
time to eat again. went to taman terasek and spammed the food there.
the sugarcane juice was overkill
i could almost cry

drove around town dropped by the new friend's friends shop and nosed around
it was 9.30pm then
time for the movie .

movie was good albeit abit unrelistic. decided to have supper and went to some derelict place for satay and ice kaching.

it was then that i realised the importance of family.

looking at a family eating together reminded me of my parents
the times we had which were now but a memory
do familes stop doing stuff together as the kids grow older?
or am i just being too traditional.

zonked out went back to base and crashed.

saturday 9am. woke up to a different setting
no more sky. no more sun
just a plain white ceiling
realised i was no longer in home washed up and went for breakfast

breakfast was prata. in a different style. small but thick curry was weird though
ate with justin while new friend went to pick up justin's mum
mum arrived and we continued
dropped her off at the back with justin while i hung around with new friend

the duo returned later and we went off for drinks at this preppy coffee cafe. looked like ya kun and killineys' but it had a somewhat distinct characterisc of its own and respect to that.

11am time to say goodbye, bought some cigarettes and zipped through customs.
welcome back to the city of facades

took the stupid bus back reached home took a shower wrote an entry
zipping off to sim lim soon the night is yet to be determined
tomorrow's another boring day of patrolling at holland village

somehow i found solace in being in a foreign land
somehow i wished for a simple life

i wondered what it would be if there was this special someone who could do those things with me.

growing

many things have happened to me ever since the previous post
take my temporal madness for x japan for example, i could stay up all night just to wait for the queues in order to get them into my hard disk. something which i've not done for a very long time. somehow, their music seem to be able to dissolve the angry cells in me.
the zoo was no much different from the usual. after spending so much time "holding the fort" i decided to abandon it for awhile and take a walk outside. leaving the new kid wondering wtf did i go. i guess the saying was right, the leopard will never teach the cat everything. life is all about discovering, when you know your way around, i guess that's what they call "reaching nirvana". to me, nirvana is an everyday affair in the zoo. cos' so much shit just happens right in front of you that you are forced to gain it almost immediately by dealing with it.
long live the zoo.
i've sinned many times too. i hope my victims forgive me, cos' like everything that revolves around in the zoo, nothing is intentional-intentional, but accidental-intentional. you don't mean to get person A into shit, but somehow, after trying to get person B into shit, person A ultimately gets it. and it's not that i deliberately meant for person B to get into shit...let's just call it "paying back the karma"
i've never been so messed up, until i stepped into the world of NS.

realise

there's no point
in bitching about the shit in life knowing that it will never fail to come your way
there's no point
in being pissed with the world knowing that there'll always be people around to piss you off.
there's no point
in always being nice knowing that there'll always be people who exploit your kindness.
there's no point in dying
knowing that you would have lost the batte.

it is easy to die.
it is harder living up to the challenges of this life

maybe i've come to realise
to once again leave it to Providence to govern my daily life

Crucify my love
If my love is blind
Crucify my faith
If it hinders me
if i'll never know, never trust
That one day my
world would be in colour
Crucify my love
If it should be that way

wrath

recently theres been a spate of incidents which left me none the happier
but instead full of anger. sometimes i really wonder why there'll still be people around to piss you off even though when you're nice to everyone. could this be the rule of conservation? equivilent trade? nature's divine balance? if it is...shouldn't i be pissing others off as well? or would that upset the balance. if so, someone innocent would definelty be screwed as well. i hope it didn't take me 21 years to realise that fairness does not govern life and death in this world. if not all the good people would have died old (imagine such a heaven, where all the bad hats died young!)

some shit should await me in office if i'm not wrong. i'll find out in an hour's time

she will be loved

where are your friends when you need someone?
be it a meal, a walk, a movie, a late night out at Laney's
or do they only come to you when they want something from you?

kill something

there's so much pent up angst in me right now
that i feel that i have to

kill something

btw i just realised that most "jonathans" are single on friendster....

Fiat justitia; ruat coelum;

faking it

is personal satifaction and happiness
more valuable
than spending a lifetime of loneliness

is faking everything to be in line with today's society
more self reassuring
than being true to onself

no matter how much it hurts
sometimes it is better to be alone than fake it.

scattered thoughts.

it's one of those nights again when i am feeling emo. with the droning of the motherboard fan and the soft touch of the wind brushing aginst my face. on this starless night with only the moon bathing this cursed earth with light. not forgetting the illumination of the lcd monitor lighting up my path to these words as i type.

lame was it?
sometimes i tend to despise others when they do, say, or write something in an arrogant manner. thinking of them as being immature and childish or probably as poseurs. so much so that the next time they try to communicate with me i feel apathetic or worse, indifferent towards them. silently in my mind i would go "yeah whatever, you're the God now".

i realised now how fucked up i am.

or maybe not.

perhaps that's why i'm so full or hathred for this world now.

it's cos i've been keeping all this shit in myself.

i guess the only few things i can do are :

1) screw the person on the spot when he says something which doesn't make sense but is still so proud of it

2) entertain him until i see better days

3) try to reason with why he said that

not that i've not been practising the above steps but somehow something is still not right

perhaps i am messed up...somehere

or perhaps maybe this world has to have a few knuckleheads to make living worthwhile.

it is always so easy to die.
living is so much more challenging

been having this cough for 2 weeks already.

am i going to die?

maybe not. somehow i've got to find a way to be nicer to the world around me

never have i seen true beauty until this night

i wonder when can i ever have the taste of it.

dashy dissy derelict me

so this if life...spacing out almost all the time thinking about why bad things happen to us. why we're poor, why is the world is so screwed up as it is today, why is everything like this and not that.

why ? the mother of all questions

it's always the ones who have nothing who complain the most.

a typical coffeeshop conversation.

i dun believe no one in the office did not talk about it today.....

i dun see why there's this big fuss over the 5 day work week
its not as if we really work on Saturdays

eh there's a big difference.....it's not about work done here but really the time spent in office
i would rather do more work on weekdays and get up late on sat and Sunday

but whats the point in it all
getting up late
whether you wake up early or not it's still the same
if you wake up early u just feel sleepy for the first few hours then after that
you'll have the same alertness as that when you wake up late

aiyah ..put it simply.....on a sat...would u rather go to office or stay home....

then u might as well say would u rather continue NS or migrate
to me it doesn't make a difference cos it is ns
you should be grateful you are in the police force
the life is so much easier than thet of saf/scdf

......... i dunno what u toking man... what ns or migrate..... the thing we're talking about here is time...
and by the way....all army camps also get the 5 day ......meaning those army pple book out on friday night

what i'm trying to tell u is that you are serving NS now
you should be contented that it is an easier life than saf/scdf

and my point is so what if there is a 5-day work week or 5.5 day work week
just cos of 0.5 days you all make such a big fuss over it

this is ns you noe it's not supposed to be so easy-going

the "serve ns part or migrating" comes in when you say its an issue of time

you want time, you migrate, you lose your citizenship and you have all the fucking time in the world

you want your fucking citizenship, you serve ns
and be prepared for its shit

not all

they get aso

still gd for the army pple...

then join the army la ask for transfer
i dun understand why you all are so gey gao seriously

not that i'm dissing you guys or what
just a personal viewpoint

nay....ns has always been a waste of time... so any benefits especially that giving us more time to do other things should be welcomed with wide open arms... well of cuz its quite lucky since it applies to the civil service overall, and we doing our ns are counted under the scheme.....

ya la true la but really la all the hype is uncalled for la but to me whether or not got 5 day work week doesn't stir me

if there is, ok cool
if there isn't, so shall it be, whatsoever, fuck it

but since now there is, i dun really give a shit when it get implemented too

you won't really yearn for something when you know you're already getting it

aiyah...it's the NS mentality lah...the moment u enter, u already get the sian feeling
if dun have things like NS reduction.....we also lan lan......if got, gd for us...

it's called apathy
that's what it is
that's what i am

guess the speakers, no points for the correct answer