i'm starting to feel christmasy again

with my recent return from a much deserved but inadequate break
and with the increasingly frequent rainy weather which i'm experiencing right now
with the cool air lingering around me
and the half-fuck christmas decorations along orchard road and various stores
with the fact that it's already november 3
and that i have slightly more than 300 days to ord

i'm starting to feel christmasy again

it's a nice feeling, being cosy and stuff. the sense of peace. Although i have a feeling it may be fake but even a fake sense of peace is able to calm me for at least a second. maybe...nostalgic?

whatever it is, it's nice (ok i'm starting to sound gay again)

but sad to say,

THE OFFICE PEOPLE STILL PISS ME OFF.

so let's just hope this christmasy feeling will be able to make me happy and have something to look forward to.

some say i am crazy
others angsty
all i can say is
if you were me,

what would johnny do?

bangkok revisited

i just got back from a 3d3n vacation affair at bangkok. indeed, it has been 3 years since i last visited the asian capital renowned for its traffic jams, sex and the vices. it has nevertheless left me amazed though - thus the slogan "amazing thailand"
many things have chaneged - the electric rail infrastruce has been upgraded (it now has 2 lines instead of 1), shops are better organised and structured and more thais know how to speak english now.

the vacation was a departmental affair, some annual gathering shit but when we got there, it wasn't really a gathering cos everyone wasted no time in forming their own cliques and scurrying around town like any average singaporean would do, thus the irony. i myself was quite disappointed cos i could not commit myself to a few friends whom i made them think i would go aroud town with them.

anyways, to cut the story short, point form :

night 1 :

- arrived @ don muang airport, was sent to hotel via coach. legs were itchy, went out with everyone in search of food. failure. ate cup noodles instead.

day 1 - night 2:

- woke up, ate breakfast, walked to national stadium bts stn, took a train and alighted one stop later (silly) at siam to go to the ever famous MBK ctr. stormed and explored the place in 2 hrs, ate lunch at sophisticated looking but lousy foodcourt. proceeded to siam discovery centre. conquered it, proceeded to siam centre, conquered it, proceeded to erawan shrine cos my pious friends wanted to pray to buddha, took some shots, took in some city air, choked on some carbon monoxide dust particles, proceeeded to central world plaza (former world trade ctr; did the whole world rename their world trade centres cos of 911?); ate coca there; returned to hotel; swam an emo swim at the hotel pool while friends went for massage;met up with the group and went to suan lum, a new commercialised (sad) but nice environment set up by the thai tourism board for tourists; went to chinatown; went back to hotel.

day 2 - night 3

-woke up, ate breakfast, went to chatuchak market; went to MBK again to eat lunch at MK (some thai steamboat shit) went to siam centre, went back to hotel; swam an emo swim again at the hotel pool while friends went for massage; met up with roomate and walked to tesco (some sub urban mall) for japanese cuisine with another friend; went back to hotel; went to Q-Bar to celebrate a friend's birthday; roomate did not bring shoes; got refused entry; hooray; searched for another bar around the sukumvit area; found one; saw a few fugly transversites dancing; got disgusted;ordered more beer to help me vision them as pretty girls; left the bar; went to patpong while the others went back; left patpong for hotel

day 3 - home

-woke up, ate breakfast,went to MBK for last minute shopping; shitted there ; lost my clique; wasted 2 bucks on stupid friend who's hp reception sucked; found them; completed shopping; left for hotel; checked out; felt sad; left for airport; still felt sad; got onto the plane; slept to help myself to not feel sad; reached singapore(SHIT); accepted the fact that there's work tomorrow.

and so that was it.





the trip as given me insight some of which are :

-singaporeans are still fugly (notice i used the words F-U-G-L-Y)
when it comes to shopping. they shamelessly slash prices to be termed unreasonable and demand to be sold goods at a cheaper price without considering whether the shopkeeper would be able to earn anything at all.
-many people still have not seen the world although they claim to have to
-most guys are horny
-many people can't walk far
-thailand has the best drivers in the world (and i'm not being sarcastic here)

sk972

its pouring heavily outside my window right now
the sky's a sickly yellowish shade and somehow the rain seems to be getting heavier
as if scorning me, forestalling me in my attempt to leave my beseiged castle.

in an hour's time, i would be at changi airport.
in bangkok
living "the beach" life

goodbye to my home.

truth

i just got back from a late night show with gerard
the show was called "old boy" and though it was rated r21 i'm damn sure it's for the impressive violence and not for the distasteful nudity.. which leads me to today's topic : truth

is the truth worth finding out?
at all?
even if it means realising that you've lived a lie your whole life
even if it means realising that the love you share between your sig. other
was fabricated? pre-arranged? intentional? created; not by the both of you?
with your only being; a marionette of Fate?

if so, why do so many people seek the truth
only to fall back into disdain upon finding it
returning as broken men

i guess it's human nature. to be curious.
to be the "kaypoh" and crowd around the corpse of someone who had committed suicide.
to look even though your friend has already warned you "eh dun look the guy/girl not handsome/pretty one"
to want to be let in on the latest gossip

perhaps Pandora was a fool
perhaps Eve was a bitch
but one thing's for sure

curiousity led them to want to find out the truth
only to be screwed by it.

but then again, if they did not find out the truth
and continued to be ignorant; or maybe living their fake perfect lives (if their lives were fake).
what point is there then?

i guess the only solution is that

they should all die

btw the movie was a kick ass show.

the truth will set you free
but ignorance is bliss. is it?

bored. and lame

was bored and so
i decided to be lame
and did
a couple of quizzes
which labelled me lame

again


Peace


?? Which Angel Or Demon Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

and again


You are Wrath/Anger!
Wow... who got you so mad huh ?? You have serious
anger issues!! with a rage that seems somewhat
deadly, and a temper that is easily raised, you
are by far the scariest sin. You tend to let
the little things get to you, and are stressed
fairly easily - and woe be it to any of your
enemies. On the positive side, you're
independent, powerful and a definite leader, if
you could just control your moods!
Congratulations on being the toughest!! ...and the
most independent of all the 7 deadly sins!


?? Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

and again


You're like a Dark Unicorn!


?? Which Mythical Creature Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

and again.


You're Most Like The Season Winter ...

You're often depicted as the cold, distant season.
But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and
Independant. You have an air of power around
you - and that can sometimes scare people off.
You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you
rarely let people in if you can help it. You
can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily
you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be
negative, and hard to relate to, but you give
off a relaxed image despite being insecure -
and secretly many people long to be like you,
not knowing how deep the Winter season really
is.

Well done... You're the most inspirational of
seasons :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

a tribute to darryl


today is the day one of my colleagues officially end his slavery to the nation. he probably won't be reading it but like all other people who i feel deserve respect he shall have his name mentioned at least over here.

darryl can be considered the guy who would ord 1 year before me. which means..by right 1 year from now i would be kissing the department goodbye. But due to some mess stroke of luck, if luck ever existed, i would ord earlier then 17th oct 2005. anyways :

he's one of the few people who can understand as well as crack high level jokes which the denser people would never understand. maybe that's why we're labelled "toxic people" and can click so well. haha. not forgetting his cool sleeping corner where i would always seek refuge when i am feeling so damn sleepy in office. he's also one who would never fail to amuse me when i am feelign so goddamn bored in office. and although he likes to mess my workstation up, he's just being him..which whenever i think back of his silly "mess up johnny's workstation" acts, i never fail to smile to myself.

thanks a lot bro for the funny times , the shitty times, the happy times and the crap most of the time. i hope you'll enjoy your well deserved freedom (not that you deserved to become a slave to the country anyway.) take care of jo*****n and happy studying at SIM.

Don't worry, we'll keep in touch via msn. i swear. YAM SENG.

today



today i saw you again
and today i wept
for after today i doubt
that we would ever cross paths again

i've lost meaning in the little world
beside my lcd monitor of glass sand and water
maybe it's time to give it all up
it has ceased to bring me happiness

hapiness.
the sorrow of those who don't have it
the pain of the destitute
the wound of paradise lost.

plastic beauty

and you came to me
with bright sparkling eyes
too innocent to look at
sacriligeous to think of
why do you try so hard to fit in
when you were made to stand out

a friend and i were idly chatting about how he's going to backup his 40gb of movies and batman and x-men and southpark and whatever tv series and movies that he has so painstakingly downloaded over the months.

me : " but what's the point in doing all these...nothing lasts forever, who knows you may not even have the time to watch them"
friend : " keep lah, then 10 years from now you can watch again...force our kids to watch with us"
me: " you won't have the time controlling those little monsters, let alone sitting down and watching batman with them. morever 10 years from know we probably won't be using cds anymore"
friend : "ya hor...little bastards. but i'll worry about that later"

*spastic laughter ensues*

btw i got my lumix fx-7 today. quite cool to hate. the shopowner even threw in a semi-hard case for me

happiness

as i waited at the bus berth for 282 after a rather unproductive, but expected night of wasteful expenditure, i can't help but notice that almost everyone who walked past wore the same listless and rather unhappy look on their faces. noticebly, about 5 girls who,had actually no relation to each other said goodbye to their clique of friends/boyfriend on 5 different occasions on this same humid night put on the same expression after they were done with their goodbyes...

does everyone look so bored once the fun is over?

if so, then what's the point of being happy, if it only lasts awhile

sensuous ecstatic melancholic joy.

what is the actual value of happiness after we minus off the bidding of farewell hugs and kisses, when enjoyment ends or when finances run out, when loved ones die when day turns to night and vice versa

So much for all the fun we had, it served well
and now it's' gone and they're wasted on time.
So much for your lingering sense of attraction, it served well
and now it's gone and now i've no time left.
So much for this hazy night, it served well
and now it's gone and i've wasted it away.

for even in pain we can sleep

slowly but gently
my body is breaking down
one by one by one by one
the pain in my head hurts so much
so much so that i think i'm going to die of an aneurysm
it's throbbing my senses away

i've lost complete knowledge of time
of this hidden reality so forged by my prison

stomach wrenching contortions
greet me every ungodly hour
them pain is so great
that it is almost so soothing

what have i done
where did i go
to have such pleasures
so generously bestowed on me

Est Sularus oth Mithas

i cannot take this anymore

sometimes i feel that i don't know myself anymore
i play the saint in front of others when i'm actually the
devil incarnate. (as in the case of pushing work not withn my job-scope away to others) but that's the way this world works doesn't it?
full of pretence, sweet nothings and empty promises
but somehow a part of me says "you can't do this",
"it's just so wrong", "stop being a hypocrite"
hypocrisy is relative now
and so does goodwill
but sometimes i just want to break free of it all...and get hurt in the process?
fuckit.

is there any redemption in all of this?

maybe someday there will be
maybe not.
whatever it is, screw the whole lot

we used to share and care for one another when we were young
remember the days in pri/sec school?
but once we're out we build a wall
and undercut each other to reach our own goals.

life wasn't meant to be this way does it?
but then again, even in a world of perfection
we still fall

as in the case of adam and eve.

so where is the love where is the happiness
the joy we all thirst

true poetry was written by a powerful drunk.

silent drive

incessant footsteps follow me
throughout the night througout all time
concrete walls enfold me
in the darkness of night
in the silence of the surroundings
what lies ahead is nothing but space
sacred space so indefinetly full
of the harshness of solitude
in it i find true joy
to bask in the moonlight
of a western sky
gasping of breath could be heard below me
the footsteps become harder
the running stops
and i stand alone in silent glee.

pause

where did i come from
and where am i headed

these words keep ringing in my head as i continue to meet different people as i continue on with life.

joan of arc

she was so sweet, demure
that by just looking at her
i felt myself melting away in a flurry of euphoria
the words could not flow as freely as they should
just in the her presence

and so i took a walk
into the night into endless
space when finally i reached my goal
a book, so greatly coveted
but it could never replace the being
whom i met earlier a few hours ago.

national service. 1 year more to go


exactly at the stroke of midnight, this fair night, one year from this date
i would have officially ended my slavery to the nation. the sacred 3-letter word which is so coveted by every male in this country

looking back, i've already done 14 months of service , with the first 5 mths in the academy and the remainder still counting in a department called PNSD. it seemed so slow when i was in the academy but yet so fast when i was posted in PNSD. so much so that i've alreeady spent at least 9 months there. of course, anyone who have been through so much would say that "time flies" when actually it has always been constant.

i do not deny that i have a better NS life than those people in the SAF. just because it isn't so physically taxing in the police force. and i do not deny that i am blessed with the priviledge of staying out every night thus having a "normal" working-like life. but it has its downsides too and some of them inclue having lower pay as i do not have operational allowance and i spend more than the guys in green. but i guess that's what the rule of conservation is here for. I did not choose my path in NS. CMPB did.

this world is unfair, yet it is able to do justice at certain times.

and so here i am, 21 years on, 14 mths into ns. The days will continue to be long, yet short, more shit to be expected, more scoldings and more lessons to be learnt. at the end of the day, it will be my entitlement to say "ORD LOH!" to all the newbies who have yet to leave the service. and continue on with my dysfunctional life. would i grow stronger then? or be more corrupted in values? would i gain anything from it all?

i have exactly 365 days to find out.

how far would i go

friday 9am. woke up to the fucking morning sky
phone said hi with 2 messages asking me what time to meet and where
replied with 11am kranji mrt stn.
washed up, put some clothes one splashed some cologne on prematurely dried jeans
packed ninja packed checked out of den
knocked door said hi to accomplice and took a bus down to mrt stn
waited for justin who was late. shame to the SAF.
got on the bus zipped through customs, checked out a few chicks and landed in larkin
welcome to cockroach city.

got in the car made a new friend went to have lunch. lunch was gastronimic, sinful anti-halal organs. thank God i was chinese. f.oed and proceeded on sidequest.

took in the sights, consoled myself imagined what my life would be if i were to stay there. concluded it would be truly asian.
bought mooncakes reached saleng dropped them off and f-oed to holiday inn plaza.

welcome to thief haven.
spammed the movies paid in hell notes f-oed and went to send off gerard as he had some shit to do.

new idea: should i stay or should i go?
fuckit.
i decided to stay

new doors opened, a new freedom found
bought tix to "new police story" 9.40pm show at leisure pelangi
went back to ambassador's place to regroup.

after an hour of training my PR skills, it was 7pm
time to eat again. went to taman terasek and spammed the food there.
the sugarcane juice was overkill
i could almost cry

drove around town dropped by the new friend's friends shop and nosed around
it was 9.30pm then
time for the movie .

movie was good albeit abit unrelistic. decided to have supper and went to some derelict place for satay and ice kaching.

it was then that i realised the importance of family.

looking at a family eating together reminded me of my parents
the times we had which were now but a memory
do familes stop doing stuff together as the kids grow older?
or am i just being too traditional.

zonked out went back to base and crashed.

saturday 9am. woke up to a different setting
no more sky. no more sun
just a plain white ceiling
realised i was no longer in home washed up and went for breakfast

breakfast was prata. in a different style. small but thick curry was weird though
ate with justin while new friend went to pick up justin's mum
mum arrived and we continued
dropped her off at the back with justin while i hung around with new friend

the duo returned later and we went off for drinks at this preppy coffee cafe. looked like ya kun and killineys' but it had a somewhat distinct characterisc of its own and respect to that.

11am time to say goodbye, bought some cigarettes and zipped through customs.
welcome back to the city of facades

took the stupid bus back reached home took a shower wrote an entry
zipping off to sim lim soon the night is yet to be determined
tomorrow's another boring day of patrolling at holland village

somehow i found solace in being in a foreign land
somehow i wished for a simple life

i wondered what it would be if there was this special someone who could do those things with me.

growing

many things have happened to me ever since the previous post
take my temporal madness for x japan for example, i could stay up all night just to wait for the queues in order to get them into my hard disk. something which i've not done for a very long time. somehow, their music seem to be able to dissolve the angry cells in me.
the zoo was no much different from the usual. after spending so much time "holding the fort" i decided to abandon it for awhile and take a walk outside. leaving the new kid wondering wtf did i go. i guess the saying was right, the leopard will never teach the cat everything. life is all about discovering, when you know your way around, i guess that's what they call "reaching nirvana". to me, nirvana is an everyday affair in the zoo. cos' so much shit just happens right in front of you that you are forced to gain it almost immediately by dealing with it.
long live the zoo.
i've sinned many times too. i hope my victims forgive me, cos' like everything that revolves around in the zoo, nothing is intentional-intentional, but accidental-intentional. you don't mean to get person A into shit, but somehow, after trying to get person B into shit, person A ultimately gets it. and it's not that i deliberately meant for person B to get into shit...let's just call it "paying back the karma"
i've never been so messed up, until i stepped into the world of NS.

realise

there's no point
in bitching about the shit in life knowing that it will never fail to come your way
there's no point
in being pissed with the world knowing that there'll always be people around to piss you off.
there's no point
in always being nice knowing that there'll always be people who exploit your kindness.
there's no point in dying
knowing that you would have lost the batte.

it is easy to die.
it is harder living up to the challenges of this life

maybe i've come to realise
to once again leave it to Providence to govern my daily life

Crucify my love
If my love is blind
Crucify my faith
If it hinders me
if i'll never know, never trust
That one day my
world would be in colour
Crucify my love
If it should be that way

wrath

recently theres been a spate of incidents which left me none the happier
but instead full of anger. sometimes i really wonder why there'll still be people around to piss you off even though when you're nice to everyone. could this be the rule of conservation? equivilent trade? nature's divine balance? if it is...shouldn't i be pissing others off as well? or would that upset the balance. if so, someone innocent would definelty be screwed as well. i hope it didn't take me 21 years to realise that fairness does not govern life and death in this world. if not all the good people would have died old (imagine such a heaven, where all the bad hats died young!)

some shit should await me in office if i'm not wrong. i'll find out in an hour's time

she will be loved

where are your friends when you need someone?
be it a meal, a walk, a movie, a late night out at Laney's
or do they only come to you when they want something from you?

kill something

there's so much pent up angst in me right now
that i feel that i have to

kill something

btw i just realised that most "jonathans" are single on friendster....

Fiat justitia; ruat coelum;

faking it

is personal satifaction and happiness
more valuable
than spending a lifetime of loneliness

is faking everything to be in line with today's society
more self reassuring
than being true to onself

no matter how much it hurts
sometimes it is better to be alone than fake it.

scattered thoughts.

it's one of those nights again when i am feeling emo. with the droning of the motherboard fan and the soft touch of the wind brushing aginst my face. on this starless night with only the moon bathing this cursed earth with light. not forgetting the illumination of the lcd monitor lighting up my path to these words as i type.

lame was it?
sometimes i tend to despise others when they do, say, or write something in an arrogant manner. thinking of them as being immature and childish or probably as poseurs. so much so that the next time they try to communicate with me i feel apathetic or worse, indifferent towards them. silently in my mind i would go "yeah whatever, you're the God now".

i realised now how fucked up i am.

or maybe not.

perhaps that's why i'm so full or hathred for this world now.

it's cos i've been keeping all this shit in myself.

i guess the only few things i can do are :

1) screw the person on the spot when he says something which doesn't make sense but is still so proud of it

2) entertain him until i see better days

3) try to reason with why he said that

not that i've not been practising the above steps but somehow something is still not right

perhaps i am messed up...somehere

or perhaps maybe this world has to have a few knuckleheads to make living worthwhile.

it is always so easy to die.
living is so much more challenging

been having this cough for 2 weeks already.

am i going to die?

maybe not. somehow i've got to find a way to be nicer to the world around me

never have i seen true beauty until this night

i wonder when can i ever have the taste of it.

dashy dissy derelict me

so this if life...spacing out almost all the time thinking about why bad things happen to us. why we're poor, why is the world is so screwed up as it is today, why is everything like this and not that.

why ? the mother of all questions

it's always the ones who have nothing who complain the most.

a typical coffeeshop conversation.

i dun believe no one in the office did not talk about it today.....

i dun see why there's this big fuss over the 5 day work week
its not as if we really work on Saturdays

eh there's a big difference.....it's not about work done here but really the time spent in office
i would rather do more work on weekdays and get up late on sat and Sunday

but whats the point in it all
getting up late
whether you wake up early or not it's still the same
if you wake up early u just feel sleepy for the first few hours then after that
you'll have the same alertness as that when you wake up late

aiyah ..put it simply.....on a sat...would u rather go to office or stay home....

then u might as well say would u rather continue NS or migrate
to me it doesn't make a difference cos it is ns
you should be grateful you are in the police force
the life is so much easier than thet of saf/scdf

......... i dunno what u toking man... what ns or migrate..... the thing we're talking about here is time...
and by the way....all army camps also get the 5 day ......meaning those army pple book out on friday night

what i'm trying to tell u is that you are serving NS now
you should be contented that it is an easier life than saf/scdf

and my point is so what if there is a 5-day work week or 5.5 day work week
just cos of 0.5 days you all make such a big fuss over it

this is ns you noe it's not supposed to be so easy-going

the "serve ns part or migrating" comes in when you say its an issue of time

you want time, you migrate, you lose your citizenship and you have all the fucking time in the world

you want your fucking citizenship, you serve ns
and be prepared for its shit

not all

they get aso

still gd for the army pple...

then join the army la ask for transfer
i dun understand why you all are so gey gao seriously

not that i'm dissing you guys or what
just a personal viewpoint

nay....ns has always been a waste of time... so any benefits especially that giving us more time to do other things should be welcomed with wide open arms... well of cuz its quite lucky since it applies to the civil service overall, and we doing our ns are counted under the scheme.....

ya la true la but really la all the hype is uncalled for la but to me whether or not got 5 day work week doesn't stir me

if there is, ok cool
if there isn't, so shall it be, whatsoever, fuck it

but since now there is, i dun really give a shit when it get implemented too

you won't really yearn for something when you know you're already getting it

aiyah...it's the NS mentality lah...the moment u enter, u already get the sian feeling
if dun have things like NS reduction.....we also lan lan......if got, gd for us...

it's called apathy
that's what it is
that's what i am

guess the speakers, no points for the correct answer

bored ..so i came up with...

a checklist!
of things which never fail to piss me off
which explains why i am so full of rage
all the time

i hate:

girls who :

-act cute when they absolutely know they are not (wearing silly accessories making themselves look like drag queens
-dress up so horrendously sexily when they don't have the body to complement the dress
-think they are damn pretty and strut around with their noses in the air

guys who :
-are complete fuckheads and brag about how great they are
-act tough and pretend that they know everything..when actually they do not

people who :
-block my way be it on the sidewalks, roads, escalators etc
-have no fucking sense of initiative & remain stupidly in their stance
-are slow with no sense of urgency
-scramble for the train/bus/lift doors when the train/bus/lifts arrive
-taxi drivers
-stink
-are so full of themselves

and with that, i hate myself for complaining so much.

that's all. just wanted to make an entry for the sake of it...which is lame. and sad too.

minority report

i just got back from a 2D1N sai kang session at sentosa...was there with the usual bunch of guys helping in the preparation for the spans real-run event which was later held this morning. it wasn't as if i was so siao-on and wanted to help them it was more for the hours which would give me at least 3.5 days off. however, i'm been wondering lately what's the point of earning so many hours, when i have to clear them within 6 mths form the date of acquisition. thus i have decided. i will not chiong hours until my last 6 months in NS. i wonder why did they called it national service....should have termed it national sai-kang instead.
anyway the event wasn't entirely a fucked up one with me being pissed all the time. we had our fair share of moments. moments of rage and moments of joy, moments of boredom and moments of pain. most importantly it has led me to further understand the people around me--both good and bad points.

sometimes i question the meaning of maturity, the meaning of "giving face", the meaning of tolerance, and the meaning of being blunt. all of which have governed my actions in my dealings with people. most of the time i may appear to be receptive of people's requests for assistance/favours. but another part of me always questions the worthiness of it all. most of the time that other part is correct no matter how hard i fight to work against it. so the saying goes, even though you try hard not to step on other people's toes, it may not be others' intention to do likewise"

red sky in the morning

reminiscing the days gone by
of what was left as another life
i can't help but stare
in broken expectation
of what tomorrow would bring
the essence of the night has just been born
the depth of its serenity i so much yearn for
bathing in the moonlight, singing a song
just waiting for the daylight never to come
let me not fade away in this stardust moment
for right now the pain of everything just
disappears
everyhing's so perfect, i see vanilla skies
but all for a moment in ever-changing time

with nights like these
all of us would be Gods in our own eyes
with nights like these
there would be no pain
with nights like these
i will forever dwell in the wings of Comfort
until the day i die

with nights like these
i will never die

the world is you

wouldn't you like to take some time
feel yourself completely
breathing out the soul that you keep inside
wouldn't yuou like to make them smile
show them you're a wonder
offer them the world and the world is you

wouldn't you like a second chance
use what you've been given
prove it to us all that there is one more dance
wouldn't you like to see a change
show us we can make one
offer us the world and the world is you

i will never side facing us the wrong way
spending lifetimes searching for you beyond the skies
the feeling keeps you from believing
and the one thing some of us were born to hide
a greatness lives within your reaches
and the hope is maybe when you lie to sleep
you'll be looking forward to the morning
and the mirror waking to the face of noon

envy

it's been days since i last bitched and thus i decided to do an entry since so many things have happened since my last entry.

let's see...i was over at toa payoh stadium helping out with some real run shit...at first i thought the organisers were really organised..till they decided to keep me entertained by refiling 1500 over entries of registration forms and photocopied I/Cs...well i later found out that they need not do it today so i guess the person who told me to do it was either stupid, or he was a mistake in life...or both.
i guess he was both.

just got back from a wedding dinner at the marriot. the event was surreal, and quite a unique one in a sense that the married couple invited other couples to come onto the dance floor to dance...(so much that it became a D&D instead of a "strictly wedding dinner" affair

hah this i got to mention. I HATE TAXI DRIVERS. while on my way to the wedding i got into a minor accident with one taxi driver though it was partly my fault. the best part is that there was no damage and i got to scold the taxi driver to hell. from today onwards i will get my hand ready on my horn whenever i see a taxi...they are only useful to me when i need to get home fast (which is rarely the case).

somehow..a part of me is envying the people around me...which leads me to become even more apathetic towards everything

w-h-y?--the mother of all questions
the birth of new reactions
leading to another quantity of rage inside of me

locked out

something stupid just happened about an hour ago
i got locked out of my damn room!
wtf man
verdict : my bloody door knob was faulty (maybe cos' i slam the door alot) and thus the faulty lock. wasted 50 buckeroos for getting the locksmith to open my door
fucked up.

i don't expect things to get better.

intruder.



today was an uneventful day at office
but things started to pick up after office hours cos
1. i managed to hack the xbox to enhance the playability and functions of my xbox
2. i managed to get my much needed rest at home
3. i killed a lizard which just irritated me by shitting right in front of me at the table when i was drinking water.

tml shall be spent at SPANS doing sai kang
why did i choose to do it then?

simple. cos i can earn hours

i'm a mercenary remember.

national shit...one year on

just got back from centro after a night of clubbing
sad to say their R&B mix wasn't customised to my liking
nevertheless i did have fun there
sluts still exist since the last time i went clubbing..even those who dress so skimpily to exhibit their well fed bodies

i'm on leave today
reasons being
1. i just got back from clubbing and it is 3.27am
2. i don't feel like working later
3. my annual leave of 14 days will be reset today leaving me with 21 days of leave in total + the hours
4. it has been one year since i was enlisted and given this pathetic life

i can't wait for Sep 28, 2004

obscure expression

when i went to work this morning
i expected some shit to happen after the long break from office
and how true was i indeed

it's either i am really stupid
or a certain someone isn't able to express himself well enough for me to understand what he wants

i'm tired of this life
of doing things for others as if i'm obliged to
of being used by so many people as if i'm a whore
of just being in my chair waiting for problems to come to me expecting to be solved

there must be some point in time when this shit has to end
and after analysing, reflecting and discussing it with myself,
Conscience and i decided that

it is the day i ORD.

plain morning

it's been awhile since i last did this another week's passed with little effort spent in exhausting it. met up witha  few old friends at a party last night and although i left pissed the company i had there broke it even. will be having an exam tomorrow and a pay rise after that.  

its funny how things have turned out this way
a little freaky though
to see all my friends ending up as family

sadness
finally brought myself to finish watching the remaining episodes of The O.C (from where i left off) sadly, season 1 ended off with a sad note with ryan (the main lead) going back to his shitty hometown justr because he's ex-girlfriend whom he had sex with became pregnant and he thought that the baby was his. sadness..could have used a raincoat or something right?! neway, it was evident that the people of the show really wanted to mess things up from the consistant pummelling of  bad events happenning to the cohens. the sadness. but anyway it's just a tv show
 
right now i have so many movies/anime that can last me a lifetime. and the last thing i would want t do is be distracted...

overloaded overjoyed

it's been 2 days since i last saw the office. somehow the feeling of returning to office later sickens me especially when i have to wait upon director to send him around. wtf.

nevertheless those 2 days away from the office managed to allow me to cool of from office/ns angst.

went to jb on wednesday morning with mohaideen and syl and bought loads of coasters. (if you don't know what those are just remain ignorant). was damn sad at the end of the day as time flew so irritatingly fast when i was over there. watched king arthur with amias and sylvia too later that night. haven't been watching MN movies for a damn long time too.

yesterday was spent clearing movies and animes as i felt that my 140gb computer was running out of disk space due to the continuous build up of anime. i must say eternal sunshine of the spotless mind messed with my mind abit though..but still it was l33t.

tired and lazy to type will continue another day

changi

just got back home after picking up a friend from the airport. somehow, there was this sense of yearning to jet away when i stepped foot into the terminal.
it was then that i decided. i have to get away after my sergeant conversion course.

what great timing it started raining just 5 minutes after i stepped back into my room
tired tired tired off to bed now

reboot.



just got back from a 2D1N chalet at loyang. though things did not turn out the way i saw them to be i still managed to stop and rethink about the issues which have been making me so cynical and morbid. (see previous post(s) ) anyway, it's back to the damned office for me tomorrow although i'll be going out soon after signing in for some stupid briefing which will affect my pay in future.

to tired to blog shall continue tomorrow

accidently in love



woke up this morning cos i had to return to the office to pick up my uniform
why? cos my damn mc covers me until today and i have bloody prt tomorrow
not that i'm lazy...it's just that i don't really enjoy the silence in the frc as my prt mates are't really chatty....
brushed my bleeding mouth took a shower
decked myself and gunned the engine

horned a few taxi drivers along the way not forgetting the indecisive lady-drivers and over cautious P-Plate kids. oh screwed a few mercs drivers who were road hogging too
reached office hung aruond got my shit and zipped back home

didn't really feel like going out after that so i returned the keys to dad and started watching anime and The O.C again..
beginning to feel sad cos i'm almost finishing the first season and anna has apparently left the screen for a few episodes. damn

she's so cute..but unreachable
i think i've fallen accidently in love with her

to prolong my happiness i decided not to watch The O.C for 2 hours and decided to cut my fur since there's this stupid D.C visit on monday. not that i'm afraid of him (it's just a goddam rank on his shoulders..he's still human) but i just don't want any trouble for the long hair (Think black/fat/fucked up superiors saying "your hair is very long u noe blah blah") it's just not worth it....but then again there's no worth in NS anyway.

Vindicated.
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away

anna

to be waking up feeling sad and with tears in my eyes
is almost weird.
"..this is everyone's misfortune" were her words

now who the hell was she?

WHAT THE FUCK !?

greece just beat the czech rep. to the finals
JUST
WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL

they made me wake up
gave me false hopes
and brought the rain.

i will never look at a skoda car again.

sweet.

if words could express

how awfully sweet

The O.C

is


my mouth would


have


bled to death

i'm still bleeding!?

wtf. woke up this morning to find my pillow full of blood
WTF?!?!
is this normal? or could it be the nachos/kfc chicken/ice cream/twisties which i ate yesterday?
hmm.....

now i know why girls get so pissed once a month
i myself hate my mouth being full of blood what more about them
seesh.

High class or High Crass?

in the midst of my personal "retreat" i have started watching the american drama series titled "The O.C"

For people who don't know what O.C stand for its "Orange County"
The series is about a high-class society of people living in this residential estate called orange county (or something like that) since i see the same group of high-class people living their so called high-class life, wearing the same high-class togs and whatever things high-class you can think of.
Predictably, hidden behind them are adultery, lies, fraud and whatever things un-high-class so it's pretty interesting to see how and what goes on in their lives.
Show's not bad with the main lead actress as a big big piece of yummy eye candy with similar dissappointing characteristics in the real world (having an ugly boyfriend and messed up parents and the likes.she's alright btw) not forgetting the many un-occassional instances of faux pas when the high class people just embarrass the hell out of themselves when they act totally immature and stuff.

a drama ? or the bare facts?
i'd choose the bare facts. many "high class" people are not what they seem. i have an aunt who's like that and i never fail to embarrass her when she brags about her high but low class of living.

branded stuff are for people who have low self esteem and need the brand name to give them the added confidence. credit cards? either for light travellers who do not like stuffing wads of money notes or for "act tough" people who enjoy oweing credit card companies money. for those who disagree with me, BITE ME. you're all gonna die one day and wealth will definetly not be a measure of your existence's worth.

The O.C is a cool show btw. catch it if you can. for the morals and the eye candy

blood and enamel




had my lower left wisdom and top left tooth extracted today. weird experience i must say
here were the procedures:

was made to wear spastic shower cap, shoe caps and robes in order to make me look as if i was going to give birth

was later injected with this bittersweet cough-syrup like substance which make me curse and swear cos of the piercing pain (4x) believe me , even with a numbed mouth you still can swear.

anyways the dentist tried to kill me by opening my mouth super wide and using all his strength to extract my top left tooth but in the end, i din even feel the absence of my teeth even after he had already taken them out. last minutes of surgery :

me : nurse, can i spit?
nurse: nono you can swallow
me: but i want to spit...this taste in my mouth is weird
nurse : ok la... nah (spreads out serviettes for me to spit)

i spat.
cool bloody oozy blood

i hate the taste of iron.

but i love the colour of blood.

YUM YUM!

5 days of mc coming right up!

dizzy

it's one of those days when i suddenly go panaroid and start thinking of things so spastic beyound imagination. first it started with the weird dreams in the afternoon and now it's this whole issue about being what i am today
wtf.

i'm going to have my wisdom tooth surgery tomorrow. hopefully everything will go well and the minimal amout of pain experienced. but then again, even in pain we can sleep.

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

concussed



went home at about 1330 hrs today and went to sleep got the shock of my life when i found myself awake at 1845 hrs and cursed myself for wasting the day oh well guessed since i can't sleep i'd crap a bit here for the record my friend was telling me about this girl he so called met on friendster which led me to reconfirm my doubt the looks do matter altough THEY say that THEY do not but then again who they hell are the THEY when we usually say THEY its just like tradition i especially like the one about not eating your plate clean saying that your future husband wife will ahve pimples on their face etc when asked about who said it they will always say your grandmother and when you asked your grandmother she will say her grandmother and so on

is this it?

are we suppossed to follow tradition blindly without seeking the truth?

many things in life are not what it is said to be
though how pleasant and comforting words may be
hard cold reality will always hit you in teh face when you least expect it.

the irony of it all
in deeper darkness we will fall

'the truth will set you free'
indeed it is true.

anyway about the pic it was taken when i was taking a walk around my office area last night. found it really funny and decided to snap it

good morning sunshine

just woke up at around 8am
walked over to the office toilet and aimed some hot water at my head

yesh i did say office toilet.

i had spent the night in office. haha.

looking back it was a surreal feeling, machiam like hotel like that.

we had just completed our function and some of my colleagues suggested staying over to watch soccer in office. there was quite a number of people initially but slowly due to dobts about being caught and stuff only 3 were left. me and two others.

we did not watch soccer. we just idled the time away.

looking back, i could have lost quite a bit of money too if i did bet on this morning's game between greece and france. thank God i wasn't able to find a singapore pools outlet last night. (in the first place i actually wasn't suppossed to be betting)

oh well, spending the night in office was quite and emo experience. the silence which filled the walls last night....

was heavenly.

life just got crazier




went to work today expecting everything to be same and mundane but it did not turn out to be. i was informed that i was part of the team to revamp the stupid dept's website with the really long deadline of 3 months from today. sho clever of the higher ups.

to add to the burden, some idiot dragged me into this security campaign shit which required us to design posters on security--> wtf was that suppossed to mean?! crazy

as if i wasn't having enough fun, i'm also involved in the redesigning of the PNS ezlink cards--> i don't mind this cos this IS after all part of my JOB SCOPE

dammit dammit dammit

oh yeah.. bought a new fish tank and placed it on my desk. added 2 snakeheads into it to accompany me the rest of my NS-Life. hopefully they will ORD earlier than me so i won't have to bring them home when i ORD. heheh

STOP PISSING ME

somethins's pissing me off.
but i don't know what it is.
fug.

time

riding on the waves of time
suddenly it all makes comeplete sense
nothing lasts forever
there is no such thing as justice
if only thy mind was senseless
if only thy time was up

such pain would never be witnessed.
but even in pain, sleep is possible
and probably death and dying
pain and sufferring
is all part of that flow of time

if there was one thing i could ever change
it would be the existence of this world itself
but even if i tried
wouldn't it be meaningless
the reality of it all
yet irony of life

not everyone understands
this crap i just said
but even if i tried
to make you realise
what difference would it make
on the day you died

the moon would continue to wax itself
and wane when in due time
life would still continue
in its ironic purpose of living
cos even if it ceased to exist
what point would its existance have
on itself.

39/03

i just got back from a former squad-mate's 21st birthday party.
somehow it felt great meeting up with the people whom i stayed with
in a dingy longhouse-styled bunk for 5 mths
and how time has flown.
(well at least at that time i couldn't say that cos i really hated living in the Academy)
spotted a few chicks at his party too and sent one home
but i guess after tonight they're unreachable
and its not as if i will remember their faces anyway....
this may sound crazy, but i kinda missed the happy shitty kampung styled days in TRACOM
although i so much hated the environment there.

all alone now

simple phonecall in twilight hour
few words spoken, much meaning achieved
early departure, happy for friend
disdain on other hand
loneliness is creeping up on me
this night, this hour
this era of uncertainty
please can anyone hear me
reply if you do
such joyful times we all enjoyed
less joyful ones too we all embroiled
i will continue learning
even after the teacher is dead
somehow

what's next

and so the story goes; you've probably heard that NS will be cut shorter to 2 yrs for kids who enlist in dec 2004 and existing kids will serve 2 yr 2 mths for fit people and 2 yr 4 mths for handicapped people and the likes. like every other NSF i am SOOooo elated. sense the sacarsm and happiness please. anyways the week was a pretty messed up one i can't really recall what i did all i knew was that tdy (or rather yesterday) was my supervisor's bday. went out with most of my dept's people to have lunch at COCA. i've run out of things to type already. life has just gotten to the max of mundaneness. now i know how my predecessor the cai tao king felt.....

tdy is friday. at least one mroe week is coming to an end though

the irony of living

so this is it, i've just lived though one more week
it's one less week to the 532 days till freedom
but at the end of the day i'm still unable to give myself an answer as to what i've achieved.
day by day i just live life as it is. but what's the point when there's nothing to be achieved. i've taken to task many things in order to make my day's worth. but still they are unable to fulfill my need for self achievement.

it just dawned on me : there are currently no girls in my life.

maybe it's time i settled down

getting the wisdom out of my head

and so the saga goes :

went to jurong east polyclinic to see the dentist cos i got really pissed with my left lower wisdom tooth and found out that it was partially erupted and impacted (common dentist terms i should say) and was given a choice of AH, NUH or NDC. I chose the National Dental Centre since it was just opposite my office and scheduled for an appointment there tdy. (or should i say yesterday)

went there at around 2.30pm and almost got the shock of my life. there were so many chicks there!!! but one thing was common among all of them: They all had messed up teeth. Anyways, for a moment i acted like a bloody fool as their system of queing was somewhat messed up with them referring you to this section and that. I swore i almost wanted to slap the rude bitch at the counter (of course i didn't lah)

i was assigned to a male dentist who told me what he was going to do to my teeth and stuff and later was sent to this nurse who was tutoring a very cute understudy. wtf shocked em againwas that she and 2 other nurses asked me if i was really 21..they said i looked younger sian diao.
wtf man! can't you see the sadness the world has nowadays?!

surprisingly, their rate of processing the paperwork was damn fast. went in at 2.30pm and went out at 3.30pm fast game man

i'm going to be stupid on the 29th of june. but who cares. intelligence was never a factor for NS.

dreams|reality

after a week of slacking, backstabbings, fun, boredom , having no money and of course anime; it is time to start another week. right now everyday is just another day to me and like the happy sign pasted on my office computer monitor "today is just another day. it would be over soon" shall ever hold true.

frankly speaking, i'm quite contented with the shit that i am in now, yes i am still serving shitty NS and yes i am still being used like a whore , and yes the bitch is still pissing me off although not so often now ; but after looking at all these, the people around me are still able to balance off the shittiness of everything. right now the only thing i am concerned is what would happen AFTER they ORD. then i will be stuck in the same shit, but without anything to keep my spirits up.

have been mercilessly watching anime for the whole week, i think i cleared about 4 series and still embarking on more. somehow whenever i indulge in anime i feel relaxed. perhaps its the only way for me to gain what those people call nirvana or an orgasm. just kidding. if only life was THAT surreal and perfect and full of vanilla skies like those in anime (a little bit of sword wielding and magic casting would also be nice)

OKAY i am sounding GAY right now with the "if only" , "if only", "if only" shit.

ask anyone what and why are they alive. other than the usual "i am living for GOD" many would be at a loss for words.

all i can say is :

argh! fuck it!

friends - i hate the word

it just pisses me off when i wake up to see a handful of sms and icq messages of the same handful of people asking me for help.

more like asking me to do something for them.

these are the same few who constantly bog me down in my continuation of daily life and only look me up when they need something from me.

i wish they could just fuck off and die.
i'm human too but do you see me asking for help all the fucking time ?

all systems are go

after spending like
a day of backup/installing of fiels and OS in the IDE hardisk and
another day of running to sim lim and then to macpherson to change the damn sata hardisk...and
about 7 hours of installing and re-transferring of files

i dare to say my system is up and running again

after sifting through all the anime songs which was part of the legacy left to me,

i feel so sad.

a tribute to ian

this blog entry shall be a tribute to ian (a.k.a cai tao king). why the tribute? cos this bugger just ord-ed today. (technically, yesterday since it is already the 29th of may now)
ian was the first person who spoke to me the moment my ass landed in PNS. he was the one who showed me around the office and taught me the mechanics how that shithole worked and i must admit, without him warning me about the dangers of the jungle out there, i would have probably got fucked big time countless times already. moreover, being the new kid on the block, i did not have an overstudy to guide me along the way and yea, he sorta played the part of being my "overstudy". whatever it is, he was a great friend who definetly made the interim period from my passing out to my posting to pnsd an effortless one. i still remember the many times of cock we talked about when we were bored and the trips to "hua san" (ian if you're reading this i bet ur head has ballooned but really, thanks for everything.) whatever it is, i wish him all the best in his newly-regained freedom.

i shall continue the heritage of that blind-spot corner which i now call my desk. and break the curse of that seat of being the cai tao seat.

the road is long and winding.
547 more fucked up days till i see my next sunrise.

a present to myself

nothing much happened tdy
cep't that i got myself a Freshwater Barracuda
it's still a pussy right now
probably not accustomed to its surroundings yet
hope it'll be the most xia lan fish in the tank though


my new babe 

yuna

i finally completed final fantasy x-2 just now..say arnd 2.49am
i would thus be a walking zombie later in office.
tdy was a pretty sad day for me

firstly its because it was the end of my conversion course
which would lead to the second reason :
which is that i would be returning to shitty office again later tdy
which leads to the third reason : i will be seeing the bitch
which would then make me depressed and want to kill everyone.
oh yea
and lastly, cos i've complted ffx-2
i won;t be seeing yuna for a very long time

back to reality

today is the last day of my conversion
sadly, i would have to return to the bloody office tomorrow
living my life aimlessly like the way i lived it 4 days ago.
seriously, i've never been so happy as i've been the past 4 days
in my entire NS life.

well atleast there is IDC to look forward to

gentlemen, start your engines

put on a halo and went to school today
gunned the engine and started moving
grooved and moved and made the ride smooth
the prize - a formula 1 licence.

i must say i felt like a bloody newbie with the "driver under instruction" plate
not forgetting the countless fuckheads who tried to make me fail

don't. let me see you on the roads

tomorrow's another day of stress free the bitch although there's talk that i'm in for a very BIG present when i get back on saturday.

kiss me.

cruise control

tomorrow's the big day
failure is not an option
i just hope everything goes well w/o any hiccups
before i suffer another battle at waterloo

the days are getting warmer
my patience shorter
in the dealings of
trival daily mankind issues
i hope their preparators can just go and die

what do you expect me to do now that
the mirror is broken
buy another one
or reflect thy beauty in me.

the reason

I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

listening to the music in the background, i almost reached nirvana.

wtf ?

just when i thought i saw the ideal girl of my dreams
i woke up from my dream
literally
WTF?
could it be a sign? i've never seen her before though
but whatever remains is just a vague impression

oh fug...think i'll go wash up to remind myself that i'm still alive
and that nothing has changed.

code blue

i just finished my 2nd shift of exercise scorpious
gentlemen i have just earned 12 hours of "off" and although the amount is negligible
it nevertheless will succeed in pissin people in the SAF off. but seriously, do you think i care? answer is : i don't.
anyway, popped by at a friend's place to wish him well for his bday bbq celebration and left after awhile after it got too boring.
went to look for daren, the joker i was talking about and we went to holland v to chill and feed his sister's fat-assed cats. i think i've got fleas already cos i'm itching all over.

next week will be a better day as i won't have to face the bitch cos i won't be in office the whole week! reason? driving conversion. and although i forsee many instances of saikang awaiting me after that licence has been obtained, it is still good.


for every period of shittiness there is always a same period of rest

time to bathe bitch again later.

code orange

i can't help but feel enraged today after a case of backstabbing and a wasted tripdown to sim lim square...not forgetting a telephone conversation which i think i revealed too much of myself. that's it. i'm a cai tao for the day.

things are heating up in the workplace
the everlasting place of doom
which fills me with great joy
indeed.

i think i need a break away from this zoo.

clueless

looking at the pieces of my life
when will i ever get out of such strife
this unwanted luxury which fills me within

when will i ever realize
that things are never straight
and not to always compromise

to walk between the lines
is to make my life a mockery
the thing i ever so want to do

are obselete
a miscarraige of opportunity
a collapsed world

i am running out of time

just another night

just got back from watching Van Helsing. Damn bloody good show I must say. I think i have a crush on Kate Beckinsale arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. anyway shan't talk to much today cos' i want to show how boredom can really drive 2 people in office nuts. Ladies and gentlemen, meet daren my friend who also holds an office job in the spf --similar to me.

the story you are going to read is false. all of the characters are totally fictional. Any resemblence between the characters posted here and real persons, whether living or dead, is entirely coincidental unless explicit notice is given to the contrary for a specific instance. Enjoy.

the rule of the game ? only 4 words can be written in 1 sentence which will be completed by the other person.

Story by johnny and daren

"no more," he said
and left the room,
only to find sponges
all soaked with sprite.
a plague upon this
quiet,shitty office befalls
me. crestfallen, i take
a roadtrip up north
where frogs eat sandwiches
and flying cows sing
songs that enfold me.
i cry, so touched
by my big balls.
The sky was purple
with pink polka dots
like young rabbit's droppings
that drool down my
spanking new P4 computer.
cut me up into
a pretty paper doll
and string me together
like ugly voodoo beads.
this death darkens the
the bluest of skies.
what a daft will.
to speak with mushrooms
is to excrete footballs
and everytime i try
to excrete footballs, i
fall, without my wings
on my arse, with
shards of glass piercing
my broken head. it
gives me great joy
to see grasshoppers swim
on a tuesday afternoon,
in an summer month.
i yearn for oreos
that are blue, not
black, bitter they should
not think anymore about
green eggs and ham,
or eating blue spam.
it's time to end
but not right now
it is five o'clock
in my dreams, but
how is this possible?
is this love? or
a poem too long?
nay, for this is
a fruit of boredom,
or creation, depending on
a boring office day

*end of story cos it was 5pm and i wanted to go home.

pain

light within, wavering soul
darkness falls, weather's cold
whatever i could be
ambitions dwarfed
everytime i try to fly away
i fall
with broken wings
i fall
and every time i try to run
i slip
soon the dreams will fade away
slip away from my mind's grasp
why does the fickle tide move so fast
its ebbing slowly wearing me down
i slip
i slip
i slip
everytime i close my eyes
i see her face
she's haunting me
like a living ghost
crushing and suffocating me
i'm not living nor am i dead
why won't she just die instead.

of cycles and loops

i just watched "50 first dates" with my computer tonight (monday night cos it's already tuesday morning) and even though its a movie it reminded me that at least what i'm doing nowadays is not as silly as what Lucy's dad and brother are doing for her; but one thing's definetly for sure : both have pointless outcomes. maybe i should count my blessings for having a boring office job compared to the other kids who are always out chioning in a jungle and training for a useless war (we'll all still be dead) hmm..lets see other than that..i also have a few f-up superiors who are great for levelling up my tolerance levels for nonsense and unreasonable qualms, great peers who also share my shitty plight and so much extra time which i usually waste away.

every night i lie in bed
thinking what my life is going to be
and every time i try to fly away
i get shot down, blown away
all's left is but the chaff
what will i be
a rhyme without reason
a song without emotion
or a pretty flower on the wall
bright shining star, made to stand out
and everytime i close my eyes
i see Uncertainty
its haunting me

everything's pointless
all's but an act

quoting the famous words of Ozzy Osbourne : of all the things i miss, i missed my mind the most

that feeling of lan lan-nes (translation :being unable to do something when something shitty goes wrong)

i woke up this morning to the 5am sky cos i had volunteered my services for sai kang work for SPANS at PA. Woke up at 5 cos i was suppossed tio meet my friends at 6am at clementi mrt stn and what did you know.. apparently the first bus was able to get me there on time, but not my friends. the first train would only arrive at 6.10am and they stayed at boonlay and jurong east. wtf man i ended up waiting for them -> lan lan.

after meeting up with them to go to office, everyone except the driver was early and we couldn't get to pa on time --> lan lan

arrived at pa and i was tasked to be the waterboy as well as carpark warden with another friend of mine -> that wasn't too bad until some lame ass indian shithead thought that he was a big fuck and backed his car into a reserved lot by reversing over the cordon tape and walked away -> lan lan

after everything was done i went back to office and after showering and all i called my dad to check if he was in the area (cos he usually goes to bt merah to eat after chuirch svc with my mum) and i thought that maybe i could hitch a ride back home from them. he told me he was at home already. and so i proceeded back by the shitty public transpot.

went back home only to NOT FIND my dad's car in the carpark and no one at home. fuck. he lied to me. --> lan lan

after so much thought i just realised that nothing much can be done if a person does something against things they call rules, morals,protocol. so what if you complain about him and so what if justice has been done? can it bring back a life; can it bring back the love; can it undo the damage or rid the scars; can it buy back wasted time;missed opportunities and the list goes on... the fucking answer is NO. they always say "the customer is always right"-> which in itself that statement is already eternally wrong.

LAN LAN- the mother of all sianess (translation : boredom; apathy).

what is deemed socially unacceptable
is usually in itself ironically socially acceptable

i think i will be able to complile my blog into a thesis very soon with all this bitching.

ordinary day

woke up this morning at 1+pm feeling disoriented and messed up. maybe it's because of the previous night's episode with the runaway kid case and the flu medicine. turned on my cell phone to be greeted by 2 messages : one inviting me to go china black tonight with the guys and another by david to follow him to go and buy his track shoes for walking. the former was out of question cos i remembered i had to do sai-kang tomorrow to earn off hours and no way woud i be able to wake up so damn early if i were to party.

as i didn't feel like staying home i decided to accompany david to get his shoes--and mine too as i've felt i've reached the stage of getting walking shoes instead of wearing track shoes to go out all the time like your average poorly-dressed-singaporean-guy-who's-always-wearing-happenning-OP- t-shirts-and-levis-jeans. ok so i am guilty of that too but i have my reasons. what are they? well....since i am a slave to the nation and report to work in office (ok i am a lucky slave to the nation compared to other slaves) i don't see a point to dress up nicely unless i want to hook all my other MALE colleagues OR my older-than-me by at least 6-10 yrs FEMALE supervisors and have extra maritial affairs with them. And so that is my reason.

we went to orchard to chk out the shoes (and the chicks with ugly boyrfiends) but did not find what we wanted there. so just like any other ordinary street-smart people we decided to go to queensway to check it out cos every average street smart person would know queensway is one of the places where you will be able to bag the best deals if you know whivh shops to go to and bargain.

i finally settled for a pair of gola shoes cos in my opinion it's unique and not overcommercialized or rather "spoilt". (Think nike. everwhere you go u see them.) and it can be matched easily. for the record the pairs which i actually had to choose from were from adidas,puma and diesel. puma did not have my size, adidas appeared weird and diesel apparead gay if you were to look at them from the top-view perspective. so what the heck.

getting bored of describing my shopping experience. i dunno but i feel that this entry is SO SO SO SO SO like a typical teeny bopper's blog bragging about their shopping spree shit. anwyay after that i left david cos he wanted to wait for his parents to come and buy the shoes with him so that he would not have to pay for them (what the fuck man?) for my uncle's place to celebrate his bday.

birthday was cool although i almost died from eating a hard to chew piece of fudge cake made by my auntie's friend and of course being such a diplomatic person i said it was yummy haha! but i soon regretted that cos she said she would make one for me (wtf again) that's it i will never lie again.

back home now fiddling with the com and writing this shitty blog entry and although i so much want to s\clear my table i just feel like sleeping. thinking of tomorrow's sai kang is enough to piss me off cos i have to wake up at like 5am?!?!? dammit. but what the heck i'll be gettign 8 hours.

people in the SAF say money cannot buy freedom
but i say time can. if you're in the SPF

cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee bye! (warning explicit lyrics inside)

it's a shitty day today. went to office half dead cos i was on flu medicine only to be greeted by 2 shitloads of work which was not actually within my job scope. being the only SA around at the moment i had no choice but to clear it. as i was slowly soaking in the quietness of the office, the silence was broken by the humming of a next door neighbour. (lets just call her "the hummer" from now on to protect her identity)

ok, so my peace was disrupted and so i went over to my colleague's place for a chat.( since office hours have not officially started it was legal) our conversation was broken by *ahem* the hummer. she questioned me in front of everyone about whether i finished her work or not in a "you owe me" tone of voice which i so blatantly replied "yes". afterwhich she lan lan-ed walked back to her workstation.

the story continues and our protagonist (if you still don't know who that is, it is me LAH) continues to mind his own business and do his own work when his boss came over to his workstation (heng he wasn't doing anything illegal).

me : "gd morning Sir."
boss : "morning,have you seen the hummer?"
me: "erm, i think she just left her workstation"
boss : "where did she go? "
me "sir i am not sure. i shall check it out for you and get back to you"
boss: "ok do that and tell her to see me in my office.

and so i called the hummer

me: "hello name ah ?"
the hummer: " yes?"
me : "may i know where are you? boss is looking for you"
the hummer : "oh tell him i will be back in 10 mins"
me: "ok he told me to tell you to see him in his office"
the hummer : "ok"

and so i called my boss and relayed the message to him.

10 minutes passed.

the phone suddenly rang.

me: "hello ?"
boss sounding pissed : "is the hummer back 10 minutes have passed already"
me : hmm..ok sir i shall call her to check again and get back to you"

and so i called the hummer, this time sounding damn kanchong to raise the pressure abit

me: "hello name ah ?"
the hummer: " yes?"
me : "eh are you coming back? boss says 10 minutes have passed and he still sees no sign of you. and he sounds angry"
the hummer : "aiyah tell him i am on my way lah!"
me: "ok lor..byebye"
the hummer : "bye"

and so i relayed the message to my boss

the hummer returned and went to see boss. afterwhich she called me to her workstation for a little talk.
that's it. i knew i was in for some shit whenever that happens.

well to cut things short she scolded me for calling her by name and for saying "eh" cos it sounded really unprofessional and rude and said that my phone ethics spoke of my personality blah blah and although it only appeared that she was scolding me, i wasn't surprised that the whole office heard our conversation. well done man. she just made my shit list.

anyway people who know me would know that i would only call people by their name and say "eh" ,"hey", "yo", "dude" , if i personally know them or know that the other party does not mind. as for the hummer, being my neighbour it is inevitable that i would definetly talk to her casually in office and i SWEAR i ahve called her by name on many occassions without her taking offence (cos if she did she would have already told me earlier). as for the "eh" part i guess she was just too professional for me. so professional that she had to leave office w/o letting anyu of us know to be accountable for her.

and so kids, this is a damn good example of "it doesn't pay to be kind"
i helped her to clear her shit work (she didn't even say please. she expected me to do it)
i called her to tell her that my boss is looking for her (i could have just heck cared and continued doing my own things)
i called her a second time to prepare her for the shit that's awaiting her
and i was her goddamn punching bag, letting her spam me with that fucking pep talk.

whatever.
i don't owe anyone a living.
and like any other ns boy i am going to use all this to train my tolerance for shit and become numb towards the daily office politics, backstabbings and spam sessions.

i foresee dark days ahead. and i'll enjoy it.

time to go for michael's party. he's celebrating it today. =p

copycat

ok i've got a new layout and ok it's copied from someone who already did it...i feel so lame right now but in time to come it should be customised so that it won't be so obvious that it's copied and i won't appear so gay then. anyway since i've already mentioned it here i don't think it would make a hell lot of difference if i did/did not make changes to it. dammit it's fugging 2am and there's still work tml *gone*

somewhere only no-one knows

i walk across the land/aimlessly without a care/tainted dreams in a tainted world/vanilla skies are once no more
with the back of my hand i wiped my face/wiped the perspiration off my gaze/one by one new found friends are leaving me/very soon i'll be all alone/time to wake up/time to get up/time to run the race again/time to kill/ time to heal/
time to put back everything with zeal/i'm all alone/i'm not alone/this feeling's pissing me to the bone/my life's getting old/
my life's getting cold/my life is never what i wanted it to be/deliver me/empower me/change the stars right above me/life's a journey/it is time to wake up/stand tall/i'm going in.

change

just got back from a movie with my colleagues/friends/nsfs *(delete where applicable)
the movie i watched was "dawn of the dead" and although there was a pretty actress in it i kinda felt cheated in a way that the storyline wasn't really sensible (actually most horror flicks aren't sensible) in a way that it was a-la resident evil style where the whole town is zombified and you have your usual motely crew of helpless victims trying to fend for themselves in a usual stereotyped hideout (this time a downtown mall). well in the end they all still died and ok so what if i just spoilt the suspense i think you'd be better off watching barbie or my little pony or even scooby doo considering the $7.50-$8.50 you'd spend on the movie (since i think today is friday and the weekend is near) trust me. although i do not smoke or encourage it, i think if you forked out maybe about a dollar more you'd be better off buying a pack of cigarettes and enjoying them. the movie lasts about 2 hrs. a pack of cigarettes, when well rationed can well last up to 5 days.

the week has also been pretty low profile for me as i followed my code of conduct (think smart, act blur, live longer) except for maybe one or 2 sai kang tasks to do. i also found out my friends email address so we can 'chat' during office hours using our email. life is changing quite well , considering that i'm pushing myself to do things with more effort instead of haphazardly. Well,at least i don't wake up saying "fuck. another *** no. of days to ord" (where *** is the number of days left to ord). i guess in a way ns is probably the only time where you can not worry about anything for 2 years-although risking abit of mental retardation and obeying stupid instructions-which is no different than a cow.

the genology of morals

i just finished watching Dogville on dvd albeit occassional interruptions from the show (dinner/meet friend/feed pets/tv)
and what can i say?
IT IS THE MOST APT MOVIE which sums up the top brass of my office! it really hit the nail man and i can't help
but wonder why am i feeling so elated after watching it. basically it's about :

an expensive high class gal who wanted to to get away from the cannibism of the modern world and
yes her dad is a powerful gangster chief and somehting like that
and so she 'runs away from daddy' in search of her new life forgetting to take off her rose coloured glasses
and assumming that everyone was sugar and spice and everything nice
and then she came to dogville where the people initially did not accept her as she wasn't a PR or citizen there
however in exchange for physical labour (pun intended) they agree to harbour her and slowly accepted her.
but Greed formed in all Mankind
and they asked for more.
one fine day she decided she had enough and revealed all the messed up acts which they did to her
(ok apparently almost the whole town did shit to her by overworking her and screwing her and denying everything)
and the town got panaroid and decided to turn her to the gangsters but not knowing that her daddy was actually mafia king.
she was then given the choice like the Prodigal Son in the Bible
to cut the crap and all-she went back to daddy with power restored to her
and this time evil triumps against evil (at least the lesser of 2 evils)
and she gave the town a blazing end

beautiful.

moral of the story : the world will never be a perfect place if not it would not be called the world.
the toes that you are stepping on today may well be connected to the feet and
ultimately to the ass that you will have to kiss tomorrow.


maybe i should burn a copy for my boss to watch it.

to sidetrack abit yesterday was the 2nd anniversary for my class 3 licence. nothing big but i decided to write it here not to brag but for the record.

a dogville day awaits me tomorrow. hehe

storm

it is nights like these which i yearn for the most
with an eminent storm brewing in the distance
and with the whole household asleep
i used to savour nights of tranquility and undisturbed thoughts
moments of carpe diem and seconds of calm
but they are all gone now.
this is not a stereotyped scene from an RPG nor am i sounding whimsical and writing all these in caprice
it is just me
how long is the night?
i only have an hour left.

sometimes i just want to scream ---> i've already done that
sometimes i just want to run away from it all --> that's not solving the problem

i guess the only thing that i can do right now is wait for time to pass me by
how long is the night
for a nocturnal person like me it is an eternity of Day

where has everyone gone

dad is busy
mum is busy
no one really cares about me

since things are bad
and make me sad

i pack my bag
and don't come back

i don't know what's today's title

as i type :
the power over at cck would have probably been restored
i'm still 83% through ffx-2
and i am getting damn bored of ffx-2

life this week is probably the most irritating one
cos i will be out of office almost everyday for the police workplan seminar exhibition thingy
not that i don't like it...i hate being a mannequin at the booth smiling and answering questions like a receptionist
aiyah..i can't concentrate typing and playing i think i shall end here

bday party

just got back from my cousin's 21st bday and although i pretty much enjoyed myself there i still find it irritating when the "adults" keep on doing a product survey on my mum's son. "oh so how old is he tdy? oh now schooling ah? or ns? oh he's in ns ah how long more to ord" were the usual questions posed to my mum which she so desperately tried to answer the many voices. one thing's for sure : it never fails to amaze me how people will suddenly look at you differently when you tell them you are a police officer.
i like surprising people.

stressed ?

the area/muscle/tissue under my right eye has been twitching for 2 days already
some superstitious people i've spoken to say it's good luck; some say it's bad luck when i think i may well be dying soon
i checked it up from a website saying its a neurological condition called blepharospasm . OMG my brain is spoilt. Another website said it was stress .
me? stress?
ok lar other than :

1) dragging myself out of the house waking up daily at 7am to get to the office
2) making sure i've got my ass covered in office and staying out of "trouble"
3) wanting to complete ffx-2 by next week (i've only covered 20 hrs of the game so far)
4) wanting to complete the set of C.S Lewis Books which my friend has given me
5) having to convince myself to get my personal website up and running (haven't even reg for the domain yet)
6) having to force myself to learn PHP/PERL for fun laughter peace and joy
7) having to redo the PNS website for PNS (again)
8) constantly finding out what is wrong with me


i am not stressed.

things which i don't understand

i can never understand why this world is so messed up
about why everyone's blood is of the same colour
but yet their minds vary
why the pretty girls are doing with the ugly guys
and that bad things happen to good people.
why do complete pricks get the best of everything
while the humble and good ones wallow in shit
why bosses are always so fucked up
and that people can be so immature at times
on why people only come to me for help
and when i am in my hour of need everyone's dead
its hard lying to myself
that there are others worse off than me
to be contented with the pretty girls + ugly guys system
and the bastard having it everything system
and continuing to help the poor and needy
to be always there when friends call for me
and yes i don't understand
why there are so many poor and destitute people out there
when they should have been given a better life instead of starting off as being pitiful
the mainstream
it's always something which i've always hated
people may say this to me after reading this entry
"what's life without challenges"
you're put in such a situation for character building
to make u you a stronger person

my only answer is

it is life without you

change

the sky has lost its colour
the sun has turned ash grey
but at least i feel serenity
admist the blackened sky

there's a voice in my mind
some things were never meant to be
i've been hearing it over and over again
endearing memories of yesterday
there's a dream to be fulfilled
can never be remembered
but whatever surrounds me now
if i did not love thee
are but oceanic voices.