somewhere only no-one knows

i walk across the land/aimlessly without a care/tainted dreams in a tainted world/vanilla skies are once no more
with the back of my hand i wiped my face/wiped the perspiration off my gaze/one by one new found friends are leaving me/very soon i'll be all alone/time to wake up/time to get up/time to run the race again/time to kill/ time to heal/
time to put back everything with zeal/i'm all alone/i'm not alone/this feeling's pissing me to the bone/my life's getting old/
my life's getting cold/my life is never what i wanted it to be/deliver me/empower me/change the stars right above me/life's a journey/it is time to wake up/stand tall/i'm going in.

change

just got back from a movie with my colleagues/friends/nsfs *(delete where applicable)
the movie i watched was "dawn of the dead" and although there was a pretty actress in it i kinda felt cheated in a way that the storyline wasn't really sensible (actually most horror flicks aren't sensible) in a way that it was a-la resident evil style where the whole town is zombified and you have your usual motely crew of helpless victims trying to fend for themselves in a usual stereotyped hideout (this time a downtown mall). well in the end they all still died and ok so what if i just spoilt the suspense i think you'd be better off watching barbie or my little pony or even scooby doo considering the $7.50-$8.50 you'd spend on the movie (since i think today is friday and the weekend is near) trust me. although i do not smoke or encourage it, i think if you forked out maybe about a dollar more you'd be better off buying a pack of cigarettes and enjoying them. the movie lasts about 2 hrs. a pack of cigarettes, when well rationed can well last up to 5 days.

the week has also been pretty low profile for me as i followed my code of conduct (think smart, act blur, live longer) except for maybe one or 2 sai kang tasks to do. i also found out my friends email address so we can 'chat' during office hours using our email. life is changing quite well , considering that i'm pushing myself to do things with more effort instead of haphazardly. Well,at least i don't wake up saying "fuck. another *** no. of days to ord" (where *** is the number of days left to ord). i guess in a way ns is probably the only time where you can not worry about anything for 2 years-although risking abit of mental retardation and obeying stupid instructions-which is no different than a cow.

the genology of morals

i just finished watching Dogville on dvd albeit occassional interruptions from the show (dinner/meet friend/feed pets/tv)
and what can i say?
IT IS THE MOST APT MOVIE which sums up the top brass of my office! it really hit the nail man and i can't help
but wonder why am i feeling so elated after watching it. basically it's about :

an expensive high class gal who wanted to to get away from the cannibism of the modern world and
yes her dad is a powerful gangster chief and somehting like that
and so she 'runs away from daddy' in search of her new life forgetting to take off her rose coloured glasses
and assumming that everyone was sugar and spice and everything nice
and then she came to dogville where the people initially did not accept her as she wasn't a PR or citizen there
however in exchange for physical labour (pun intended) they agree to harbour her and slowly accepted her.
but Greed formed in all Mankind
and they asked for more.
one fine day she decided she had enough and revealed all the messed up acts which they did to her
(ok apparently almost the whole town did shit to her by overworking her and screwing her and denying everything)
and the town got panaroid and decided to turn her to the gangsters but not knowing that her daddy was actually mafia king.
she was then given the choice like the Prodigal Son in the Bible
to cut the crap and all-she went back to daddy with power restored to her
and this time evil triumps against evil (at least the lesser of 2 evils)
and she gave the town a blazing end

beautiful.

moral of the story : the world will never be a perfect place if not it would not be called the world.
the toes that you are stepping on today may well be connected to the feet and
ultimately to the ass that you will have to kiss tomorrow.


maybe i should burn a copy for my boss to watch it.

to sidetrack abit yesterday was the 2nd anniversary for my class 3 licence. nothing big but i decided to write it here not to brag but for the record.

a dogville day awaits me tomorrow. hehe

storm

it is nights like these which i yearn for the most
with an eminent storm brewing in the distance
and with the whole household asleep
i used to savour nights of tranquility and undisturbed thoughts
moments of carpe diem and seconds of calm
but they are all gone now.
this is not a stereotyped scene from an RPG nor am i sounding whimsical and writing all these in caprice
it is just me
how long is the night?
i only have an hour left.

sometimes i just want to scream ---> i've already done that
sometimes i just want to run away from it all --> that's not solving the problem

i guess the only thing that i can do right now is wait for time to pass me by
how long is the night
for a nocturnal person like me it is an eternity of Day

where has everyone gone

dad is busy
mum is busy
no one really cares about me

since things are bad
and make me sad

i pack my bag
and don't come back

i don't know what's today's title

as i type :
the power over at cck would have probably been restored
i'm still 83% through ffx-2
and i am getting damn bored of ffx-2

life this week is probably the most irritating one
cos i will be out of office almost everyday for the police workplan seminar exhibition thingy
not that i don't like it...i hate being a mannequin at the booth smiling and answering questions like a receptionist
aiyah..i can't concentrate typing and playing i think i shall end here

bday party

just got back from my cousin's 21st bday and although i pretty much enjoyed myself there i still find it irritating when the "adults" keep on doing a product survey on my mum's son. "oh so how old is he tdy? oh now schooling ah? or ns? oh he's in ns ah how long more to ord" were the usual questions posed to my mum which she so desperately tried to answer the many voices. one thing's for sure : it never fails to amaze me how people will suddenly look at you differently when you tell them you are a police officer.
i like surprising people.

stressed ?

the area/muscle/tissue under my right eye has been twitching for 2 days already
some superstitious people i've spoken to say it's good luck; some say it's bad luck when i think i may well be dying soon
i checked it up from a website saying its a neurological condition called blepharospasm . OMG my brain is spoilt. Another website said it was stress .
me? stress?
ok lar other than :

1) dragging myself out of the house waking up daily at 7am to get to the office
2) making sure i've got my ass covered in office and staying out of "trouble"
3) wanting to complete ffx-2 by next week (i've only covered 20 hrs of the game so far)
4) wanting to complete the set of C.S Lewis Books which my friend has given me
5) having to convince myself to get my personal website up and running (haven't even reg for the domain yet)
6) having to force myself to learn PHP/PERL for fun laughter peace and joy
7) having to redo the PNS website for PNS (again)
8) constantly finding out what is wrong with me


i am not stressed.

things which i don't understand

i can never understand why this world is so messed up
about why everyone's blood is of the same colour
but yet their minds vary
why the pretty girls are doing with the ugly guys
and that bad things happen to good people.
why do complete pricks get the best of everything
while the humble and good ones wallow in shit
why bosses are always so fucked up
and that people can be so immature at times
on why people only come to me for help
and when i am in my hour of need everyone's dead
its hard lying to myself
that there are others worse off than me
to be contented with the pretty girls + ugly guys system
and the bastard having it everything system
and continuing to help the poor and needy
to be always there when friends call for me
and yes i don't understand
why there are so many poor and destitute people out there
when they should have been given a better life instead of starting off as being pitiful
the mainstream
it's always something which i've always hated
people may say this to me after reading this entry
"what's life without challenges"
you're put in such a situation for character building
to make u you a stronger person

my only answer is

it is life without you

change

the sky has lost its colour
the sun has turned ash grey
but at least i feel serenity
admist the blackened sky

there's a voice in my mind
some things were never meant to be
i've been hearing it over and over again
endearing memories of yesterday
there's a dream to be fulfilled
can never be remembered
but whatever surrounds me now
if i did not love thee
are but oceanic voices.

the reticence of stolidity

some things can never be explained
about why every sky still looks the same
some things can never be explained
about the hours of the day
the consistency of time
and why some people are gay
in every evil in every life
there is always someone in strife
if thoughts could be fully explained
there wouldn't be a need for words
or the fortune teller in the street
some things can never be explained
like the expectancy one feels
while opening a letter
about the bad things which happen to good people
some things can never be explained
of why the fact that love remains
in an imperfect world that kills it

the passion of the Christ

He lay in gethsemene
praying about His death for you and me
the serpent was there to taunt Him
He yielded not, but instead crushed it

the scene switches to the betrayer
30 pieces of silver was what He was worth
he kisses the Lord
and the trial begins

the delirious crowd jeered
insulted and cursed
oblivious to their heinous acts

they stripped Him, struck Him blow by blow
till wat was left were stripes and veal
layers of skin hung off Him
the devil stands by the distance
overjoyed
but a part of him knows
he's already losing the battle

my heart cries
for by His stripes
we are healed

the damage was done
His spirit broken
the unmoving crowed remain unfazed
they wanted Him dead
their desire blase

the via dolarosa was where he walked
that street of shame
that street of death
that street was all he ever had
my heart cries

His destination was golgotha
His final dwelling place in Heaven

nailed to the cross
His blood was tacit of his pain
eloi eloi lama sabathani
his bloodsmeared lips cried out
my heart cries my heart cries my heart cries

with daunting breath
He asked for water
It is finished. It is done

the devil cries
for he has lost the battle

greater-love-has-no-one-than-this-that-He-lay-down-His-life-for-His-friends

something isn't right here

somehow something isn't right somewhere
a heavy sense of foreboding seems to be lingering around me

saddy

saddy kept on jumping today
hey endless clamour emancipating my rage as i type
saddy is jumping right now just what is wrong with her
i guess she too senses the mental bondage that i am in

crap entry 1

this was written by my friend and together with him we shall spin the tale of the century

Karkait bought toto last week and striked $1million
So he bought a cool blue skyline and drove it to orchard. Karkiat looking as handsome as ever drew the attention of the chiobu.this chiobu drives a porsche boxster and thought she can outrun my skyline. So so ... she gave me that look )-Tsk low class jap car-( and ramp her engine.... broom broom BBROOM... I gave her a allan toh look and broom broom also. So the last mat skater cheong past the traffic light(the one right ouside the conical borders building and there goes.... She was fast!! real fast.. .think she floor. Ha! but i mod my skyline engine earlier... have changed it to the prototype proton wadja babi engine earlier at johor and pumped my tyres with nooze... the mats told me they make ur car go faster... And Vrrroroooommm... My speedo meter reached a shocking 70 km/h ... nv have i pushed this beast so far. Well well... girls been girls will nv catch up. So i lead her all the way to east coast carpark K ... she tailing behind me... hot on my twin exhaust. tskk..drove to a dead end and she got out of the boxster! ... Its Xiaxue!!! my idol... She took off the bun on the hair and ..............

I woke up.... the traffic light just turned green... Vroomm.... my fateful L300.. cruising my way through geylang serai
to buy the famous ketupat which yummy king so fervently advertised saying that whoever eats it would strike toto./4d
apparently it doesn't work cos i still see so many puny mortals queuing up at singapore pools and turf club outlets dotting the island marking their bets on high class hell money. this is high class hell money cos you don't have to burn it to get it to hell you just mark it and feed it through the high tech machine and your money would go straight to hell...talk about the advancements of technology nowadays.

i arrived at the stall.. wet with perspiration as my cool L300's air-conditioning was spoilt. i placed my order for the ketupat but the aunty was too busy to even look at me. Feeling rejected i went to eat macdonalds instead. Over at macdonalds i decided that i needed to pee so i went into the toilet and saw this old uncle peeing at the urinal . the problem is he was peeing through his pants and being PGO and all that i asked him "uncle...y are you peeing in your pants? " the uncle looked at me witht he classic lao ren chi dai zheng look and said he had struck toto 1 million and suddenly he swung around to face me.. well done..now i ahve his pee on my legs. i threatened to beat him up by grabbing him with the Undertaker stance in WWE and out of fear he said " dun send me to the old folk's home i got money money i give u money!" and began stuffing SGD notes by the wads into my pocket. I humble accepted the moneyt and walked out of macdonalds, pee-stained feet and all to the bank.

totalling up the money at the bank, i realised that the senile ah pek had given me $400,000k in total..what a mad shit...and so i decided to get a car for myself since the l300 was torturing me. I went to the net and bought the toyata silly car (celica) for 50k on yahoo! auctions.
the car was driven to me by the afternoon by a cool ahbeng which had "Jin Zhong Bao Guo" tatooed on his back..and lots of coloursful cartoon characters on his body. He accepted the money and i began speeding off in my secondly-new celica.

after awhile i decided that singapore was boring and so i went across the bridge to the island nearer to hell and decided to test the top speed of the car there. I started off at the NS highway and managed to bring it up to 220km/h. i tell u it's like flying life seems to flash past u as all the slowmos just disappear from your rear view mirror as if they were vapourised. soon.. i got bored and settled down at the roadside sarabat stall and ordered teh tarik from the the friendly mat brudder over there. as i was about to leave for temasek a local policeman there walked up to me and said that i was caught speeding on my way here..feeling pissed by his evil aura i just paid him the price along with the additional 100 bucks for him to clear the roads for my entourage back home.

i arrived home safetly at 10pm just in time to see lana lang in smallville. it has been a cool to hate day.









what a load of crap.

my life got cold

the annual bad luck streak has come and gone again
i guess everyone gets it
it a period of time (usually a day / week) of shitty things happenning to you for no goddamn reason
mine started last tuesday when i went back to malaysia for some pig herding
apparently it started off when one of my friends was late (can't blame him yeah it's the evil aura)
due to a stomachache which led me to speeding down to malaysia
afterwhich everything was pretty alright and i was getting ready to exploit the short period of carpe diem with my half day leave when suddenly another colleague of mine insisted that i go back to office and work instead of taking leave.
i was like ..fuck. cos i already brought the car out and would incur high parking fees if i parked for the remaining day at chink land. moreover i won't be in time if i left the car at home and took the world-crass public transport system which would get me to work. i settled for parking at sgh though, after that the evil aura continues to spread as i slowly realise that work wasn't THAT urgent and i have gotten a $30 un-redeemable voucher from URA for a parking offence - courtesy of the friendly hoodie who's probably making satay right now. anyways...to top it off i scrapped daddy dearest's fron skirt on a curb which going to watch a movie. You may think wow...that's quite a load of shit i've been through juging fromt eh no. of lines of bitching here but that's not all. the next day i got a free para-counselling session from good 'ol banshee next-door just because i did not do the simple task of drawing paper for her. wtf if it was simple can't she do it herself. anyway to end that highly unpleasant session i just took to blame and just regarded that her brain's iq and eq was probably the no. of her shoesize and shrugged it off. wednesday thru friday were uneventful when saturday brought the shitty news that the freshwater barracuda that i so long wanted ot get was bough up by a rich sod. (apparently he bought the whole tank of 10+ barracudas at $40 each) i have come to a conclusion that rich people are damn stupid..take the merc and bm drivers who drive so slowly even a chinaman riding his golden wheel bicycle can over take them. not to digress i cursed and swore when my wolf fish died suddenly on sunday. piece of shit it did not deserve a water burial and so i tossed it out the window for the friendly magpie to have it. tdy's pretty ok and since it'll be 1 hr 52 mins to tuesday --exactly a week after i visited malaysia..the curse of the lesser mortals should have died off.

*this entry wasn't made to inform/impress/entice/undermine anyone of my past week. it is just to serve the purpose as a record for the shittier times in my life*

life's a joke

just when i thought my office life would be pretty slack
i was proven wrong and bombarded with lastminute ad hoc work
the one thing that pissed me off the most was that some of the work was not within my jurisdiction
and even though the other part of work beloged to me
what was actually a simple practice of maintaining files and paperwork was made
long and tidious by a mat
why?
some damn thing always happens thay say

what's life without challenges again i ask?

it is life without you.

i just realised NS has changed me into another person.
one thing's for sure
i'm not going to be all sugar and spice and everything nice anymore.

f*ck you

etched in my heart
a nondescript scar
those painful words spurn my anger
it takes one wrong move
before we lose it all

images of you images of me
images of everything it could ever be
what's life without challenges ?

it is life without you.

feel my pain, anima

the interesting part of life is its gradual degradation
often caused by people less capable, less deserving,
less experienced,less deserving and less intellectual then you.
the word apathy is becoming my middle name.

ennui

with the sounds of melancholic music playing in the background
complemented by all issues of confusion and strife in my mind
the scene was perfect
i can almost cry

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

so many CHOICES
1 big DECISION
1 significant OUTCOME
so little time

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

product of boredom





Which Royalty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.

whatever it takes

what does it take to make one happy?

perfect

cos' we lost it all
nothing lasts forever
sorry , i can't be
perfect
now it's just too late
and we can't go back
i'm sorry, i cant be
perfect

she's gone

she's gone....probably one of the closest gal-buddy i have has gone away to australia and will only be back in arnd dec.

meanwhile to recap on the days since the last post:

yes i had a really shitty bday cos i was refused leave for the stupid retreat
and yes i had fun too but the shitty feeling overwhelmed the fun part of my bday
the stupid retreat turned out alright with me not being screwed as otherwise thought so
v-day continued to be a farce to me and i did not go out with my gf cos i had the flu
yay i still have the flu maybe tml or tue take mc hahaha

but she's still gone...

surprise surprise

surprisingly i did not have a bad day at all though i was forced to drink a large can of barons shit brew by aloysius and kar kiat and almost made a fool out of myself at spans trying to not let them smell my stench. was really surprised that pple in the office would remember my bday judging from the amount of time i just got to know them.

let's just hope i don't get screwed by mr fat tomorrow at the retreat.

happy ? b'day to me

hah the irony of it all
my icq was flooded with happy bday wishes at teh strike of 12 this morning
and i was refused leave for tomorrow all because of one goddamed retreat which i was to be involved with the co-ordination only.


more rantings to come tlater today.

lenne

endless joy, endless sorrow
endless winds of tomorrow
endless laughter, silent cries
endless hues of the skies
endless tension sleepless nights
cowering darkness, northern lights
endless sadness endless grief
endless tears that i weep

my compass has been broken
i seem to have lost my way

who's lenne?!
why am i so angry
i think i shall go to bed right now

breakout

i'm slowly going under
the days seem long but yet so short
i seem so free yet so busy
in my endless pursuit of learning
can you hear me God?

oblivion

the christmas holiday is gone
the new year holiday is gone
the chinese new year holiday is gone
the hari raya haji holiday is gone
what's left is 2 months of pure shit before the next holiday greets me.

somehow a part of me wants to scream out loud for all the shit i am going through right now
on the outside everything looks fine
but there's actually a great big mess inside of me

...........

sometimes things don't always go the way we want them to be.
it's the minor things that fuck us up.

Happy CNY .

happy CNY guys
wtf am i doing up at 5am?

screwed over .

hey guys and girls it's time to bitch again
tdy's the worst day of my life in 2004 so far i got screwed over twice at the office cos of some really really small shit ....really unbelieveble man there are still people out there who can't differentiate a cd-writer from a cd-r disc oh wth. anyway i was so pissed i decided to take my gary fisher out for spin. and spin it did. i returned home with a punctured tyre apparently acquired after negotiating a sudden drift in the park not forgetting i hit a small kid who was on the cycling track too haha! that really made my day man who told him to walk on a cycling track. argghhhh screw it. it's a new day tdy and i won't let it bring me down.

my life needs a re-org! .

with the new year rolling in and the new change of life at the office my life definetly needs a reorg. what would my after office hours life be like? passive or active? fun-packed or dull? should i take up a part time degree/course? can i cope? all these shit have been running through my mind ever since the first few days of the New Year has passed....i think i'm in for a jolly good ride

farewell 2003 .

the year is coming to an end
a rather good year tough things strarted to screw up towards the end
i acquired a screwed up computer and a messed up xbox which created an impression that the xbox is no better than a calculator
other than that thigns have been alright
my love life is still stagnant ...maybe she will come into my life next year?
things are hard to predict though
anyway screw 2003 be it good or bad
it's time to bring on 2004.

bring it on.

limbo.

as i wait in mindless stupor
the com is drawing lines of lore
i've finally gotten my computer
set it up and gunned it hilther
but what went wrong i do not know
which left me wondering here in limbo

office space

the droning of the air conditioner
fills me in dreamy state
as i lay in the easy chair of my cubicle
i'm a loner, a vagrant, shifting thorough the sands of time
the mere act of pretence being my guide
and protector of my hide

i feel so bored
i think i shall go and shit right now

christmastime has ended once more

and yes christmas day is coming to an end
what an anticlimax to have to work again tomorrow
anyway i managed to get the aprts of my new desktop system tdy minus the lcd monitor and the damn casing. hopefully i can stop using my friend's laptop and begin using the super charged p4 ..... but somehow ...i still feel sad man...wondering what's happenning to me of late....i seem to have lost my drive and passion for the things which matter to me....maybe it's time i settled down and re-evaluate myself... in the meantime i can only enjoy the last hours of christmas day....(although christmas has 12 days..singapore only recognises 1...)

it's christmas time once more

it's been awhile since i had my last christmas.....365 days in fact. and to date many things have happened and changed in my life since then.....this year's christmas is rather different for me. cos i spent the first half of it at home with a gang of close buddies from sec. school....although it sounds gay...we still had a great time witht he ps2, the ever slow outdated laptop and the mandatory booze and snacks....right now everyone is stoned except me....to be continued

where are you christmas

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here in silence
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fills your heart with love

wake me up.

and so here i am sitting in my room at 7.10am wondering what went wrong. i have been posted to the police cantonment complex over at new bridge road and work starts at 8.30am everyday the only problem being---i can't wake up. this isn't the first office job i've held but surprisingly i don't know why i can't wake up or at least wake up without feeling sleepy. wtf man is this what i'll be doing for 2 years? if so i should be in deep shit. things over at the office are crazy right now with alot of admin shit not properly done. i don't even know what's my post and purpose in the dept and even my pass to certain area have not been made. crap i hope i would meet someone at the door later when i report for work.

home.

the parade began with a wet start albeit the prescence of rain. uncertainty engulfec me as i marched towards the front to receive my rank as i was unsure whether my dad and uncle could find me amidst the sea of brown. (you know what i'm talking about.) an inner bonding of faith fuelled me when they put on my rank for me. happiness was what i felt as i did the last march off and ultimetly, a feeling of relief as i knew my days of shit was over

everything happened so fast, that i felt out of control.

but hey. i'm back. back in action

goodbye PA
hello PNSD.

PO PO POP. Goodbye Mangkok

every beginning has an end. today marks the end of my 20-week long training at PA. It however marks a new beginning cos i would be starting on next ns phase in 5 days time. i don't think it would rain later today during the parade since most of the "mana" was used up last night and is still continuing to be wasted right now as i write...perhaps the sky doesn't want to disappoint those who are coming to support me but whatever the case; i'm coming home.

the final 3 days.

going back to camp later and this time it would be my last 3 days in there before i officially pass out on wednesday evening. somehow i wish that it would rain on wednesday so that i would have a passing out ceremony haha. right now the only problem is my exit permit---will i ever see it..will i ever get to fly away or remain in this place for those 3.5 days of understated rest

4 MORE DAYS TO POP !!!...

well it's 2 actually if you minus tomorrow and the actual day. it's great to know that i would soon leave that shithole at thompson road. the very home that wasn't. many people asked me if i would miss them or think about the place. my non-impulsive reply was of course a straight emotionless "NO". However, i would always remember that place as one which helped build up my tolerance for nonsense and the very test grounds for myself in terms of independence whenever i felt lonely, helpless and basically just fucked up about everything. yes. i have passed the test and after all that shit i should be rewarding myself i guess

10 more days...

10 MORE DAYS TO POP!!! FINALLY my fingers are able to count the number of dammed days in the shithole that i am in. this week would probably be a damn torturous one as i'll be spending 5 fucked up days at the damned parade square with the blazing scorching sunrays aimed at me. sometimes i wonder why did they need 3 weeks to practise for one stupid POP parade which no-one seems to bother about. It's just a passing out parade in my opinion. Nothing GRAND about it. it's either that i've grown out of such trival extravagances or SOME people have really never seen the world so much that they are so siao on about the parade. whatever la i'll be out in 10 days anyway and i won't be missing the people there.

18 more days...

the days are finally getting lower. it's just 18 more damnned days in camp before i finally get out of it.

nothing eventful happened this week except that i came home for 2 days cos of diarrhea on tuesday and wed. next week would be a holiday week for the beginning of the week cos only he real traiing for the parade will commence on wed.
i've finally registered for my lon procrastinated SAT exams with that monkey friend of mine today. and FFX-2 eng ver is in my hands too. i feel spastic writing in such a jolly way but who cares POP lo..!

24 more days...

FINALLY the damn exam is over. the essay questions were alright but the mcq ones are the ones which i'm more worried about. somehow or other either i'm stupid or the questions were so badly structured that i were not able to understand them. perhaps i'll never know. Hopefully by tomorrow i'll be able to know how i fare....
the week should be a boring one mostly occupied by drill drill and more drill for the passing out ceremony. FINALLY, i'll be ut of the shithole. what would really make me bored is to find out that i would be posted back there . please pray that i won't.

4 weeks more...

this is it... in 4 weeks time i wil be out of the shithole provided that i don't fail my exams which are to take place in 2 days time..somehow...the pressure to study is on but my environment stinks...wish me luck

what dreams are made of

for the 2nd time running i've been having dreams of a certain someone from so long ago. is she trying to tell me something?

success! (see prev. post)

here i am again. back from a shitty week full of tests. My IPPT was a success with my 2.4km run walk clocked at 9.56s instead of the previous 10.20s and 10.40s when i first came in. SOC was completed in a modest 7.46s judging that it was my first and last SOC test before i get out of PA. Drill test was just a breeze.

i was also had 2 unexpected interviews for positions witht he admin side shoud i be posted out. now my only wonder is whether i would regret going there or staying to the usual NPC shit. whatever will be will be i guess. going to catch the matirx : revolutions later which i think i would be wasting my money cos i've more or less forgotten what happened in the previous matrices...screw it

now all there's left is one more major exam next friday b4 i can really "relax" in camp until POP day.

survive this week (part 2)

i'm back home again and soon i'll be back out
the upcoming week is going to one shitty one cos apparently i have 3 tests to take this week. Scenario based test, my IPPT and my Drill test. sometimes i wonder if the "higher powers" up there really have brains or not. they cram so much shit into one pathetic week instead of spreading it out evenly. to top it off i have PT almost everyday.
so much bitching has been done...ultimately i'll still manage to pull through...somehow.
btw my tigerfish just died this morning. bastard jumped out of the tank.

7 more weeks to go, now did you just see this somewhere ?

the long weekend break is over. i'll be going back in in less than 2 hours time. the sky looks provoking and the worst thing that can happen to me right now is to rain when i reach PA. This week should be un uneventful week for me...first 3 days unarmed tactics with thursday and friday doing some drill i think. i hope it rains on thursday and friday. life should be getting better now that i only have about 3 more tests to take not forgetting the 113th intake people will be coming in this tuesday. i'll be a senior then.
sometimes i question myself on the things i what to do and the inability for me to do them. i've so many things that i've long wanted to do thats all been disrupted by this stupid regime of mine and to top that off the "higher powers" have extended my pop date. sometimes i want to scream. sometimes i just want to be. alone.

fug

i was just informed that my passing out parade date would be pushed back by one week. which would mean i would most probably pop on the 10th of dec instead of 2 dec provided i dopn't screw up anything. fug. btw happy deepavali guys public holidays are a godsend for ns men

survive this week

with a lot of green phelgm and a small possibility of obtaining the flu again i have set myself a simple but hard target : to survive this week without getting sick. simple cos its only 6 days....hard cos i have sentry duty yet again thios wednesday which is a 24 hr thing and you know how much your body heats up when u have irregular sleeping hours.....survive this week...cos next week is a holiday week

7 more weeks to go

it's good to know that the number of weeks that i have left have gone down to 7. Yes i have 7 more weeks to POP. Life isn't hard at PA. Just irritating. I guess having spent 13 weeks at PA alone by myself has made me stronger in the areas of tolerance of nonsense, to be able to sleep anywhere in almost any position as well as to be more alert so as to prevent my ass from getting into trouble.

i expect the next few weeks to be mentally and physically challenging as i still have about 4-5 more tests to undergo. but hey 7 more weeks should be bearable. the only bad thing at the moment happenning to me now is that i have this feeling that i am falling sick again. please don't.

sick

this is my 2nd day of mc and in about an hr's time i would be heading back to camp
the only problem that i am facing now is that i am still running a temperature of 38 deg. my best bet is that i would have a relapse tonight after spending the night in my bunk
i hate the flu
y must such shit happen during such important times of training

boring

the vicious cycle continues as i go about the day packing my bag in preparation of going back to camp tonight. the govt. currently owns my life...at least for the next 2.5 years. i don't remember selling/loaning it away to it though...

14 weeks to go (90 days)

the 111th intake batch just passed out yesterday.
leaving the 112th intake squads and a few regular squad in the academy
suppossedly our POP would be a grander one than yesterday's which was washed away in rain
everything's fine so far except for the usual suspects
should be back by friday if everything goes well.

17 weeks to go

going back in tonight. this week would be an ass week cos i will only be going home on sunday morning and going back on sunday night. so much for the weekend break.....

in and out again

didn't really have time to bother abt this blog until when i am finally settled with all the shit to bring into camp tonight. bought a pack of uncle tobys muesli bars which apparantly have no "halal" symbol on it and so was contemplating whether to bring it in anot cos a rule of PA states that we can't bring pork in but pork also meant any other shit made from a pig. so shall it be then just hope no one visits me at night. going back to camp soon ----> the boredom. still alittle bit unsure of how to walk in but hopefully i will be able to cross the bridge when i get to it. right now time is such an ass. everything i'm donig right now is hyper i just hope i dun burn out. farewell to my home. farewell to my life

goodbye to my home. goodbye tomy life

this is the first time i have ever waken up at such an early hour ever since my holidays started in mid april. it shall however also be the first day i enter into the police academy. many thoughts fill my ever saturated mind right now as i try to construct this entry. for a start i would not be returning home until the 8th of august.

many things await me at pa. new friends, opportunities as well as challenges. the first hurdle would however be figuring out where to go once i reach that dreaded place. all i know is that the days of waking up at 3pm everyday are gone...well at least for 20 weeks. i can never roam the land as freely as i used to be.

many thanks be to those who supported me just before i enter pa. you will always be remembered as the few good friends who stood by me. for now i wish you well.

goodbye to my home.
goodbye to my life.

the last day of freedom

today is my last day of freedom before i begin my 20-week ns prep training into oblivion
somehow somewhere inside of me wants to go all out into having a full fledged day of fun by completing whatever things i had always wanted to do before ns. however, another part of me just wants to sit in my set apart space at home dwelling in solace getting prepared for the big day tomorrow because there's no escaping the day tomorrow. the former would just be running away from it. in my view ns would be fun though its the initial making of friends that would be hard oh well. 21 hours left.

my friends have been abducted

woke up this morning to find that my icq had 5 regular online names instead of 10.
well done. 4 of my friends have been abducted and 1 has gone to work

slowly my world is crumbing

farewell to carpe diem

counting the remaining days i have left to ns jail
there aren't many. only 7 days
i do recall the times when i was just waking up at this shameful hour just getting ready for school
or just waking up at hours later than this just to skip school
all these have now passed and are merely just a record in my memory
gone are the days of endless reverie and nights of muse

freedom was just a memory

why do i feel so sad

yesterday was a day of madness
2 rabbit cages, 3 habitrail space stations, 3 metal hamster cages and 7 medium sized pet habitat containers were all crammed into my dad's car to be cleared off at a number of pet shops around the island.
in the end almost everything was cleared off except for 2 breeding pairs of rodents and a few other critters. crazy day i must say
anyway, although we managed to pack the animals into the car, sell them off, wash the cages etc, have a so-so dinner and met up with old friends; (we as in me and satan child) i somehow feel a prescence of despair in me. as if something was missing. something which i always wanted to do, could do but have not done it. what a fucked up feeling right
damn if only i knew what was missing. probably i wouldn't be blogging right now.

suikoden

i just completed suikoden in less than 2 weeks
a week earlier then what my bet with a friend stated

the facts :

operation: complete suikoden 3 in 14 days
status : completed
date of completion 13th july 2003 0600 hrs
total airtime 72 hrs 39 secs

technically ended at 0430 hrs

6 characters

3 main : chris, hugo, geddoe
1 shithead : thomas
1 nonsense : koroku (dog)
1 bonus if you collected 108 stars : luc but basically it just wastes 1.5 hrs

death again

blogger is seriously screwed
my previous entries failed to be published

so shall it be whatsoever it 's free anyway
and free stuff usually satisfies the basic needs of the client

anyway yesterday another death was reported
yes my other rare snakehead died
not because of parasites
but extreme wounds inflicted by a low-life luohan
believe me i will avenge its death

tragedy

the car was a total wreck when we arrived at the scene of the accident
glass and firebreglass debris from both cars could be clearly seen at the surrounding
areas on the road where the two cars collided.
the driver in the other car had already been taken to hospital.
no wonder they said speeding was the no. 1 road killer

idiots should be no. 2 cos no matter how safe you are
there will always be someone to fuck you up.

death

i lost one of my rare snakeheads this morning to a fucking parasite
well at least i know ocean free products are useless
all i can do right now is look for a replacement to accompany the other one that's left
fuck parasites
fuck ocean free

nice

my exam results were out early this morning. was kinda surprised when i got an A for my fyp as my supervisor was quite demanding of my project and often said i could do better than the current standard. I guess he was steering me thru the direction of an a grade. thanx mr supervisor although i know you will never read this entry. well i guess i can really go all out tohave fun b4 i go for stupid ns now. hopefully i don't die b4 i go in

oh really

i was bored (as always) and stumbled uppon this trash :


Sunset - You are the spark of inspiration, the fuel
of the imagination, and the essence of
destruction. You are one of intense emotion
and passion, a creator and a destroyer.


When are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

nice.

the words i feel

I've been watching you awhile
Since you walked into my life
Monday morning, when first I heard you speak to me
I was too shy to let you know
Much too scared to let my feelings show
But you shielded me and that was the beginning

Now at last we can talk
In another way
And though I try, I love you,
Is just so hard to say
If I only could be strong
And say the words I feel

My bleeding heart begins to race
When I turn to see your face
I remember that sweet dream
Which you told to me
I wanted just to be with you
So we could make the dream come true
And you smiled at me and that was the beginning

Now at last we can talk
In another way
And though I try, I love you,
Is just so hard to say
If I only could be strong
And say the words I feel

Tell me what you're thinking of
Tell me if you love me not
I have so much I long to ask you
But now the chance has gone
When your picture fades each day
In my heart the memory stays
Though we rant, you're always smiling
And I will hold it long

the matrix reloaded

trust me.
after the screening of matrix reloaded
many more people will start their pseudo philosopical nonsense again.

bumming ard

it's been 22 days since my exams ended and i just realised that 22 days have just been wasted on bumming around. how time files when you're really having fun. so far over the past 3 weeks i've been madly rushing all over the country's various fish shops in my ever fervent search for exotic fishes. the search is over although i can't really say that i WOULD not be getting any more specimens for my tanks. Have been looking at a breed of cichlids which i've seen before but did not bother to read up on. they're called "apistos" do a search on them if you can bother.

right now my life's a big MESS. so many things to do but it's either i am too caught up with the mad fish craze or i'm tired or basically "nuah". if everything works out and if they really do (my plans) i should be getting a webhosted site soon and then the real blogging would begin.

game over

my game just ended at 1530 hrs today
somehow the exam paper wasn't as easy as it was perceived to be
"fuck!" was heard behind me when i received the paper
"shit!" at the other corner
geez...some last exam paper huh
hopefully i'll pass this damn exam AND my final year project
cos i never wnat to go back to ngee ann to study again
right now all i can do is enjoy while i can
june shall be my judgement come

final heaven

this is it
the end of the road
the fork which meets the bend
tomorrow is my final exam before i would be officially out of school
somehow i feel sad
not because i'm leaving
but because my polytechnic life wasn't what i initially imagined it to be when i first got the enrolment package from the school
true i made quite a number of friends here..but somehow disappointment manages to sink in
where i would go now, what would i do i guess it's all up to me
the 95 days of free time before i go into PA would definetly not be spent mainly on working
for it is one of those times when a person can legally rest and do what he wants in this shitty nation
(ok the other such time was after the o levels)
oh well, i'm bored i guess
whatever.

this is it

i just handed up my final year project report today
realising the fact that i forgot to add in a few important documents
whatever
it was only at that moment when i handed up the reports that i wondered.
is this it? my 3 years of crap ass poly life gone just like that?

i've about a week more in school before i am considered out of poly (graduated? i don't know)
this period of time would probably make me wonder if i really enjoyed my stay here.

i am a sinner

as i listen to the never ending printing sounds of my hp 948c printer
i can't help but feel guilty
guilty of the act of killing the trees and wasting ink
yes i am printing out my final year report's 3rd draft.
and this time it's a whooping 119 pages excluding the appendix
single sided double spaced-guess how many pieces of paper that would be..
i'm sorry earth..but if my sup wasn't fussy and commanded such high standards..perhaps the world would not be so warm now...

preparing for Grand Retour

final year project start date has ended
wireless technology project start date has ended
final year project programming period has ended
final year project demo has ended
wireless technology project demo has ended

now all's left is the final year report
and a wireless technlogy exam
and Grand Retour would be born

......

woke up this morning with a sorethroat.
me : wat's for lunch ?
mum : fried rice.
me :fuck.
mum : fuck y?
me : i have a sorethroat
dad cuts in.
dad : got fever anot if got fever better see doctor!
me : i have SARS dun worry
silence.

S.A.R.S

apart from thw on-going war in the middle east
there is an even better thing to talk about today-SARS
everyday and everywhere i go i hear the word "SARS" being mentioned
everyone is so overly sensitive of contracting the disease that looking at them simply makes me laugh
the walking jokes of today are not your comedians, but rather the selfish and most ignorant people of singapore
this isn't the mass slamming of my fellow singaporeans, but rather one pointing at the above mentioned clowns
just today i was sitting a bus back from school when an elderly man started coughing
before i knew it (or rather, 2 stops later) the only people left in the same bus as me were myself, the elderly man and 4 other people
i mean WHAT THE FUCK man did they really have to do that? it's just a normal cough no? morons.
if everyone was so afraid of contracting SARS, why won't they just stay at home? or prolly commit suicide so that chances of getting sick and other dreaded diseases would be 0.
morons.
the least you could do is stop being stupid and eat well, sleep well and have the knowledge to not go to areas which would most likely help u contract it.

shock and awe

while most of us are sleeping in our beds at this moment
there is a fierce war raging on in teh middle east
who are we then to judge whether who is right or wrong
when we are not taking part in the war

hold me in your arms

hold me in your arms
never let me go
i want to spend eternity with you

to God be the glory

to God be the glory for everything that has happened to me

bring me back to life

why the hell am i feeling so spastic today
lethargic and mindless

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where i've become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before i come undone
save me from the nothing i've become

now that i know what i'm without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before i come undone
save me from the nothing i've become
bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time i can't believe i couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
i've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

-evanescence

I AM WISDOM whahahahahaa

i was so bored that i bothered to take this quiz :



Wisdom

oh well, better stop dreaming and get started on my fyp soon

rain

it seems to be raining everyday nowadays.
true i like rainy days cos of the coziness it brings
but it's screwing my life up because i tend to sleep more
not forgetting my ever recurring cough

the genelogy of morals

i just finished watching a film called "samsara"
in my opinion it is sort of an allegory to buddha (yes siddharta gautama's life)
well i'm not into buddhist shit but the show has left me thinking though
basically the story speaks of a young man who was involved in the monastry since the tender age of 5
apparently after serving 3 years, 3 months, 3 weeks and 3 days worth of meditation
he gained nirvana and got a degree for it (whatever)
however, the story begains to get interesting when he sees a woman breastfeeding her child by accident
and thus began the moral degradation of him.

he began to question his faith , on why he had to be a monk since 5 years old when buddha himself gave up
his worldly ways at the age of 29.
to cut the story short, he left the monastry to become a world man
married the girl he liked, had a family, farmed etc until one day, his fellow ex-monk-mate
paid him a visit with a message from his dead mentor
the message said "would you rather satisfy a thousand desires or conquer just one?" (or something like that)
which left him thinking.
after much though, he decided to leave his family and go back to become a monk.
now i know its his choice but i think it's super selfish of him lor since he already had a family and stuff like that
anyway, so off he went to shave his head and change into his buddhist garb and was walking towards the monastry
when he saw his wife at the gate
with the look of disappointment and tearing eyes she mentioned "yashodhara"
yashodhara was the wife of siddharta gautama(or buddha as he is famously known)
she begain reiterating the story of how siddharta gautama had left his family (yashodhara, his wife and rahul his son)
to give up his worldy ideals and gain enlightenment (sounds familiar?)
and ultimately buddha
he had left his family silently one night. without saying a word
she continued to say that yashodhara had been showing compassion to the ailing
and sick long before siddharta did and questioned him on who can say that siddharta owed
his enlightenment to her
whoa this part was the killer man (see it to believe it)
anyways, the story ended with the confused chap seeing the answer to the question
"how can you prevent a drop of water from drying up?" which was "by throwing it into the sea"
i don't know about him but i perceived it as blending in to your circumstances
and since that his circumstance was that he already had a family, then bloody hell return to it and stop being a monk

this has perhaps been the longest entry since i started blogging. i'm just blogging for the record since the movie has left some sort of impression on me. the question of moral obligation vs current circumstance. if anyone reads this (though i don't think anyone would) and feels offended then i'm not sorry. cos this is my damn private space. i repeat. samsara rocks.

the day's business

the year's birthday celebration was a quiet one
spent in the dingy restaurant of swensen's orchard point with a handful of good friends
not that i had few good friends, but because most of them were either in ns jail
or couldn't make it because i didn't really plan on celebrating it big this year
a great time of idyllic chatter saw us through the entire meal before we decided to end it simply
by going home. sounds pretty lame or boring but at least it's something different from the previous years for the record.
somehow i've reached the state of nothingness. where nothing really matters much when it comes to outcomes.
call it bad call it good but i just call it emo

the day is slowly seeping through the sieve of time
what started with an unnatural wake up call by my parents to get ready for chuch
attending my church's 24th anniversary (and getting really woken up by being placd right in front of the stage)
a simple lunch at alexandra village
and the above mentioned dinner is coming to an end
in a few hours this great/good/ok/bad/shitty day (please do not delete as necessary as the day consists of many parts of the adjectives) is coming to an end
tomorrow would be my neighbour's birthday and probably a few others whom i've probably lost contact but still remember
and what is left of today would only be a fragment of time

this is me. aged 20 years born in this earth
raised up to face the world
ever learning from mistakes and the evils of this world
ever striving to distinguish friends from actors
ever searching for the one true love
ever pursuing the knowledge of this earth
for better , for worse, forever after more.

hooray. it's my birthday

many people fear growing older for me it's just the passing of time however as i grow older every year i feel that everything is reaching a standstill everything isn't as fresh as it was anymore everything is just so mundane the christmas of last year just came and went the new year wasn't as bad but the recent chinese new year was just so stale so unnatural so much so that it has also affected my mood to celebrate my birthday if i ever was going to anyway everything has seemed to have lost its meaning for me its just as if my world has just crashed everything which was once fresh is now so stale and cliche is this it is this how i am going to spend the rest of my life with so little possibilies of living it like i used to maybe its time i started to reflect on my past and present life configuration

of mice and men

i just spent the entire night trying to get my hamster which had escaped (i don't know how the fuck it managed to escape)
and crawled under the cupboard
those who had seen my cupboard would know that it was freaking heavy.
and yes, i had to empty the cupboard to tilt it abit and take the little bastard out.
total time taken for rescue mission? 3 hours
pics of the ordeal can be found in my online photo album

consider your needs

many of us claim we need a certain something when it actually should be considered a want
a need is considered the cause of the origin.
in truth it is often merely an effect of what originated

lunatic pandemonium

as i grow older, the lunar new year starts to become more of a dread than a festivity.
what were days of running about and playing pranks at my relatives's houses are no more
today was a real damper.
ever since the demise of my grandmother the family has invisibly broken up into smaller self-contained clusters
the mood of family seemed disturbingly off today, so much so that i just felt like asking everyone what the hells was going on
i hate the future. christmases, new years and birthdays were so much more enjoyable in the past

the motor shark

friend : hey johnny so is the shark in the wisma atria fishtank really a motorised shark?
me : what do you think....
friend : hmm..i say cannot be lar! who so stupid put a motor shark in the fish tank for what?
me : well..you've got your answer.
friend : *ponders for a while* hehe i think i wanna buy a shark too
me : there's this shop at serangoon which sells sharks
friend : how much?
me : $600 bucks i think
friend : fuck you lar! where got mechanical parts cost so expensive one?!
me : .......

against all odds

right now i am experiencing a psycological warfare
i am about to take my stupid napfa test in 2.5 hrs time
the results look bleak but the desire to pass it within today is my driving force right now
however, for every inspiration there is a damper
what if what if what if seems to ring continuously
droning into my head relentlessly

game over

last night was my last night at 7-11
the store was irritatingly busy when i was just about to leave
some farewell bidding huh

i reached home only to notice that the dead fish in the tank had floated up
and that my maid had helped me throw it away while i was in a hurry to go to work the previous night
and so here am i
free from work
but not from this mental prison

i have wasted yet another day

stoned

i can't believe i just wasted my day again
maybe i should stop working since it messes up my life so much so that i would not be able to complete my fyp in peace. i'm just wondering now what possessed me to work at 7-11 in the first place.

bad command or file name

recently things have been working out pretty fine for me
but being the ardent pessismist, how long would this last?

i'm starting on my fyp next week though
but right now i'm having the same retarded feeling which i have at all beginnings of a year
uncertainty
that which is hard to grasp and fathom
which disappoints when one expects

yes this is late

it is the year 2003. 5th january to be exact
if you're wondering why this is so late. blame it on blogger
blame it on 2002
i wrote 2 long entries on 31st dec 2002,
only to have some database error spat back at me.

anyway, i guess 2003 should look brighter
i saved $21 on what would be spent on celebration at the beginning of the year already
and with all the little things added up, things SHOULD be looking better
of course there's monday, when school starts. let's just hope it doesn't screw me up huh

looking back, i really wasted my holidays. working, sleeping, playing
omit the playing part. it's an obligation for me to play cos i am going to serve stupid ns soon

no new year's resolutions for me this year.
because they'll just be lies.

bought a ps2 game called total immersion racing
not bad.

ran out of nonsense to sprout.
farewell