Now I truly understand  why my aunt does not like to sleep.  With each new dawn brings on endless possibilities of achievements.  But once that ability of being able to accomplish something gets snubbed out like a flame thru an illness or some wicked twist of fate, the chances of reversion are not next to zero, but heart wrenchingly low.
I too do not like to sleep.  I hate the day,  the pointless hustle and bustle or absurdity and masks as faces.  But alas i am in this system. So i walk between the day and night.

This morning as i face the sea,  it is just a another day for me,  but a struggle for another. The waves come and go,  pure energy which fades with each ebbing flow.  The purpose?
None.
Like the absurdity of my daily life.

Wait it out

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions.
Clambering for the scraps
In the shatter of us collapsed.
That cuts me with every could-have-been.

Pain on pain on play, repeating
With the backup makeshift life in waiting.

Everybody says: "Time heals everything."
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

There's nothing to see here now,
Turning the sign around;
We're closed to the Earth 'til further notice.
Stumbling cliché case -
Crumpled and puffy-faced -
Dead in the stare of a thousand miles.

All I want: only one street-level miracle.
I'll be a an out-and-out, born again from none more cynical.

Everybody says that time heals everything all in the end.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

And sit here cold?
We'll be long gone by then.
And lackluster in dust we lay
'round old magazines.
Fluorescent lighting sets the scene
For all we could and should be being
In the one life that we've got.

maybe tomorrow

I've been down and
I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe

I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

simulation

is it alright to draw less
and take up a humbling role
when the spark inside of u screams no
its a traffic jam in the mind these days
endless wakefulness in the night
dreaming in daylight
between the lines covered by
the greyness of the shadows

it feels like drowning in ice water
unseen pressure which stings in the chest
every breath deeper
every sigh heavier
in love,
in pain;
all over again.

life wasn't meant to be like this was it
the decisions we make and actions we take
do they not seem to matter in the end
well to me at least.

It's all an irony, this thing called Life
keeping up false appearances,
false behaviour
false smiles, laughter and demeanour
why do we even follow The System knowing it all.

Adam was a failure. and so was Eve.
after gaining the knowledge of good and evil
it appears that their descendants
did not benefit from it

Life in SG - 10 mths on

It's a beautiful day, but I'm stuck inside.
Staring at this screen, working 9-5.
How I hate this job, coz the days do drag.
They work me like a dog, and the moneys bad.
Cheer up cheer up, don't be blue.
Don't forget it's hometime soon.
We'll make it through another working day.
I need a holiday.
I need a holiday with my friends.
I'm working everyday.
I'm working everyday for the weekend.
Looking at my watch, for the millionth time.
The days go slow, and then the evenings fly.
When I'm outta this place, and the days been won.
I'm going out with my friends, I'm hanging out in the sun.
Cheer up cheer up, don't be blue.
Don't forget it's hometime soon.
We'll make it through another working day.
I need a holiday.
I need a holiday with my friends.
I'm working everyday.
I'm working everyday for the weekend.
I wish it could be sunday when I wake up every day.
I wish it could be sunday when I wake up every day.
I wish it could be sunday when I wake up every day.
I wish it could be sunday when I wake up every day.
I wish it could be sunday when I wake up every day.
I wish it could be sunday when I wake up every day.
I wish it could be sunday when I wake up every day.
I wish it could be sunday when I wake up every day.
But I need you, yeah I need you.
Yeah I need you more than I can say.
Yeah I need you, yeah I need you.
Yeah I need you more than I can say.
More than I can say.
Yeah I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, more than a holiday.
Yeah I need you, I need you, I n-n-n-n-need you, I need you more than I can say.
More than I can say

-Scouting for girls (I need a holiday)

Disintegration

rows of speeding cars
within the valley of
seething stars
my journey's a lonely one
waiting at the brown painted church
trembling yes?
or is it the weight of the road
feeling of sickness inside of me
sighs away
stay close to the foorpath
said I today.

3am

if a picture could paint my life complete
what would it be
a beautiful sunset of a coastal scene
a lush landscape with waterfall and trees pterodactyls flying
city life with moon lit drives
rolling hills and riverine streams
if i could dream it why can't i see it
the paints of every day are the same
same palette new brush
make my mind and heart rush
overtime and over sight
the canvas rots with Death's delight
an island adrift will end up somehwere
and pain eventually, become a balm itself
thoughts abound in Slumber's shift
the solutions meant only for the Morning shit.
i ask the stars above my bed
but all they got burnt out instead.
coasting and cruising is all i've ever done
will my life be ever more fun

overheard at bt timah rd:

self: this BM is an idiot
f: why
self: wtf. do you have to stop to turn?
where where where where where? wah i think the van will kapo it
j: there
self : no that is not:
j: then go the other one, this way
self: no it's against traffic. there's one up there
self:their door open right?
f: ya..but now close aready.
self: wind up the window for me.
f: all done let's gtfo.

on the way back:

self: wah what car is this, looks cool
j: sekali this is a hyundai
*fiddling with the cd player*
self: wheres the zhou jie lun song
je: he got all the zhou jie lun songs?
j: he load the new zhou jie lun album, he got all the zhou jie lun albums ah
self : looking for the new one
j: i thot u got the old one
self: no i fuked it off.
j: he got all the zhuo jie lun albums and he wanna buy them back.
jere: u siao ah. u copy to my hardisk i burn for you and sell u la
self: fuk u. he's quite zai wat. so must support him.
j: eh u go wrong way.
self. huh not go straight meh
j: no la pie tuas
self:pie is straight right.
j: which pie? changi or tuas.miah is turn right just now
self: tuas la! wtf u always tell me when its too late.
f: wrong already lah u wanna go round 2 ah.
self: dammit.. aiyah kje lah..

every morning

waiting for the lift waiting for the lift
everyone's waiting for the damn lift

i wished the lifts were transport pods straight to hell
but if that's the case
i would gladly take the stairs.

live another day

the pain which we feel right now
just reminds us that we're real.

but are we just empty shells
searching for the fullest life
what are we searching for really
when nothing really lasts forever

feelings cease, age deteriorates,
standards fall and flowers die

the stars the trees the birds the bees how fantastical the night breeze is
we come we leave we all meet and grieve
with cake and chalices we all hide our malices
how many more will it take to make my first break
this emerald dream of hollow mountains

hearts guts cranium of smarts
pick up the broken pieces and dump them on SMRT
on the same page for countless days
pick me up and fly me away

buses and trains

the lake was placid
the night was still
it was where i made my decision for thrills
a month of planning and mugs of guts
a plane ride and a caddy
i was off to see the wallaby

the nights were empty the
streets were still
a planet of whitians
a freezer with hills
life was simple too tranquil
but one of joy
minus the thrills

soon the time came
to make a choice
where the wild things were
or one where antelopes roam
i'm just a smalltown boy
living in an overcrowded tank
but i took the midnight plane anyway

looking back in time
streetlights people
crowded trains and toilets
everbody's just fighting for that one
wobbly spot
its that feeling all over again

first day

woke up one morning to a different light
i thought i saw myself in a morbid plight
freeze the moment please
just let me sleep a little longer
but the unrelenting hands of time
threw me out of rhyme
and before i knew it i was standing
on a platform between 2 instances of time.
the sea of drones and endless peons
short skirts office works and endless ties
i heard a voice saying welcome to life
this will be your faithful wife

arrived at the gates of steel and wire
into the sanctum of a carpeted mire
met a few randoms none of my desire
we sat and chat and and perplexed
about our world to come

this time i travelled through space and time
the many visions beguiling my mind
the faces the places the names of all the aces
nothing stuck in my gray slime.

entered at my own risk through the glass doors of eden
met a mermaid along the shore
this isnt too bad i thought to myself
and swam out to sea to find out more

coming to terms



it's been slightly over a month since i returned.

am i happy?

looking back at THAT period of despondency

i guess i am

but insofar nothing much has changed except that i noticed everything thing has

aged since my absence.

and a part of me is discontented with not being a part of the ageing process

but i am glad to be back.



i havent been doing much reflection as of late

where do i go now what happens next

are the questions which constantly haunt

my waking hours

even in sleep i do not slumber

for fear of missing out on that VERY phonecall

which might change my life

sometimes i don't even know what i want anymore

the vast options out there, blurred with generality

life isn't always as serious as it appears to be

but more often than not it really is

in a world which demands only the best



i'm tired of waiting

for what i've been chasing

but there's nothing to hold onto

dice

these days, there's nothing much to write anymore

for life is but a walking shadow

phases and ages and spaces within

they tire and turn the strong to dust

crossroad after crossroad

they fade to grey each time i pass

the invisible road never illumated

until night falls.

breathing is dreaming

and dreaming awake

its nothing like a stomachache

it is finished.

and so it is this silent night
where echos of typing and anguish are heard no more
for it has been done and sent to the binders.
21 months of toil and slackness all amounting to
this feeling of loss and bewilderment
for my compass needle still refuses to set
swaying between the past and the unknown
hopes and dreams will always emerge
but what about reality, this domain?
light was the reason why i became blind

february 9, 2009

been awhile since i last documented anything in this space. not that i had forgotten about it, neither have i been happy enough to not rant here...lazinnessd probably got to me i guess.. so for sake of memory the following events took place in the absence of posting:

- attended ISPIM symposium from 14-17 dec. my first conference alone and green. definetly opened my eyes to the wider world of practice.
- weelip and shawn's wedding on the 21s of dec. yet another fun and happy event which i was a part in.
- christmas 2008. somehow, christmas last year came and went despite me returning to sg slightly earlier as compared to 2007. it's just sad i guess.

and of course the traditional serving of reservist in between to balance out the pain.

things started to get pretty irritating when i had to fly back to brisbane in jan because of my
damn air ticket date which cannot be extended any longer. it's ironic because my work was done for that period --i was awaiting my thesis results. this sucked on an epic magnitutude because not only was i away from home, i was away from home for a retarded reason. as a result, cny 2009 and birthday 2009 were to be spent away from home. the first of both kinds and definetly the most pathetic up-to-date. sadness. to top things up my lease and student visa are about to end and i don't know if i have any time to fix up my thesis... and for the record, my housing rental agent is a megabitch

where will i go from now? i seriously don't know. with so many things just blocking my path its like driving down the autobahn in a bloody hyundai.

-update : i just got some good news that i may be able to graduate soon...but how soon is another question. nevertheless it's the best bday present this yr

this is it.
21 months all gone down in 137 pages of words
the hum of the photocopier sounds like a chior of angels
it's done and dusted
may angels lead me in.

hindsight

it's one of those pensive nights again
sitting in my room, yes my very own room now that i am back in SG
just lulling about how far time has elapsed
lots of shit have happened since the last post but as i note,
this blog is just a fragment of nothingness meant to leave behind
a fragment of something.
memories.
the mark of the true essence of existence
coming back home this time round was slightly different
as my brother had a fall and had to (and still is) warded in the hospital.
it was also a time of realization.
so much has changed too ever since i left barely a year ago.
for the worse
it still make me wonder how can we every survive the impending doom that will engulf us in the years to come.
things used to be so much better the last time.

during my time here i decided to do a bit of home improvement projects for dad and mum as they were faithfully at the hospital most of their waking hours looking after my bro
thre out alot of redundant trash and reorganised the house, i seriously have never been so neat in my life. and then i stumbled upon my childhood toys which comprised of:

a sega megadrive with all the games, still fully working, my starcom, m.a.s.k, silverhawk, and one more series of toys which i forgot the name. those brought back memories which were but a grey area before i saw them. truly, the gift of sight does wonders to memory. not forgetting the countless mcdonalds happy meal toys which my mum had bought and kept aside for me.

it suddenly dawned on me... where did the time go? those happy times, of carefree-ness. where did they go. countless evenings of cartoons and tom & jerry...all gone with the wid. if i were to step into a toy store now, people would say i'm crazy. sigh. somewhere along the way i guess the joy just faded away. moving on to bigger things in life i guess. have you ever noticed how nice people treat kids compared to adults? makes me wonder if the pretence is worth it when the kids eventually find out that the world isn't Neverland after all. (but this is just me thinking out loud)

the buildings seemed to have changed too, construction everywhere, long-time shops being replaced by 1 hit wonders and the shallow tinge of fashion scents. the kids hold more PSPs that i have ever seen in my life and the drivers have become more retarded. what's up with that?

also got the opportunity to meet up with some poly friends... though the time was short, i did have a great time hanging out with them. looking back, it's been what...5 years since i last saw them and we still managed to meet up! indeed they were not just names on MSN.

i'm still enjoying my time here...but i am thinking hard this time. is the sacrifice well worth it?

pensive

for the past 3 weeks i was lost
transition from concrete jungle to
subterranean rainforest
waylaid by the elder
and robbed of my identity
there was no time for despair
no time for tears
just time for endless voiceless struggle
i lost myself
in the abyss of realism
and the gap between idealism
headaches on the
hard bed tossing and turning
until daybreak greets me in my
lucid state
trying to correlate
i can see anything in the dark
but then what is there which darkness hides?
half empty boxes strewn across the room
in this place i now call home
some day they will see
when my body turns to dust that my life was not what they imagined to be
forced and concealed to be hidden in earth
the spirit overcomes and flies away