my mind's eye

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 17:43:00 +0000

first day

woke up one morning to a different light
i thought i saw myself in a morbid plight
freeze the moment please
just let me sleep a little longer
but the unrelenting hands of time
threw me out of rhyme
and before i knew it i was standing
on a platform between 2 instances of time.
the sea of drones and endless peons
short skirts office works and endless ties
i heard a voice saying welcome to life
this will be your faithful wife

arrived at the gates of steel and wire
into the sanctum of a carpeted mire
met a few randoms none of my desire
we sat and chat and and perplexed
about our world to come

this time i travelled through space and time
the many visions beguiling my mind
the faces the places the names of all the aces
nothing stuck in my gray slime.

entered at my own risk through the glass doors of eden
met a mermaid along the shore
this isnt too bad i thought to myself
and swam out to sea to find out more

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:45:00 +0000

coming to terms

it's been slightly over a month since i returned.

am i happy?

looking back at THAT period of despondency

i guess i am

but insofar nothing much has changed except that i noticed everything thing has

aged since my absence.

and a part of me is discontented with not being a part of the ageing process

but i am glad to be back.

i havent been doing much reflection as of late

where do i go now what happens next

are the questions which constantly haunt

my waking hours

even in sleep i do not slumber

for fear of missing out on that VERY phonecall

which might change my life

sometimes i don't even know what i want anymore

the vast options out there, blurred with generality

life isn't always as serious as it appears to be

but more often than not it really is

in a world which demands only the best

i'm tired of waiting

for what i've been chasing

but there's nothing to hold onto

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 18:42:00 +0000

dice

these days, there's nothing much to write anymore

for life is but a walking shadow

phases and ages and spaces within

they tire and turn the strong to dust

crossroad after crossroad

they fade to grey each time i pass

the invisible road never illumated

until night falls.

breathing is dreaming

and dreaming awake

its nothing like a stomachache

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 15:19:00 +0000

it is finished.

and so it is this silent night
where echos of typing and anguish are heard no more
for it has been done and sent to the binders.
21 months of toil and slackness all amounting to
this feeling of loss and bewilderment
for my compass needle still refuses to set
swaying between the past and the unknown
hopes and dreams will always emerge
but what about reality, this domain?
light was the reason why i became blind

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 03:47:00 +0000

february 9, 2009

been awhile since i last documented anything in this space. not that i had forgotten about it, neither have i been happy enough to not rant here...lazinnessd probably got to me i guess.. so for sake of memory the following events took place in the absence of posting:

- attended ISPIM symposium from 14-17 dec. my first conference alone and green. definetly opened my eyes to the wider world of practice.
- weelip and shawn's wedding on the 21s of dec. yet another fun and happy event which i was a part in.
- christmas 2008. somehow, christmas last year came and went despite me returning to sg slightly earlier as compared to 2007. it's just sad i guess.

and of course the traditional serving of reservist in between to balance out the pain.

things started to get pretty irritating when i had to fly back to brisbane in jan because of my
damn air ticket date which cannot be extended any longer. it's ironic because my work was done for that period --i was awaiting my thesis results. this sucked on an epic magnitutude because not only was i away from home, i was away from home for a retarded reason. as a result, cny 2009 and birthday 2009 were to be spent away from home. the first of both kinds and definetly the most pathetic up-to-date. sadness. to top things up my lease and student visa are about to end and i don't know if i have any time to fix up my thesis... and for the record, my housing rental agent is a megabitch

where will i go from now? i seriously don't know. with so many things just blocking my path its like driving down the autobahn in a bloody hyundai.

-update : i just got some good news that i may be able to graduate soon...but how soon is another question. nevertheless it's the best bday present this yr

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 17:46:00 +0000

this is it.
21 months all gone down in 137 pages of words
the hum of the photocopier sounds like a chior of angels
it's done and dusted
may angels lead me in.

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 20:26:00 +0000

hindsight

it's one of those pensive nights again
sitting in my room, yes my very own room now that i am back in SG
just lulling about how far time has elapsed
lots of shit have happened since the last post but as i note,
this blog is just a fragment of nothingness meant to leave behind
a fragment of something.
memories.
the mark of the true essence of existence
coming back home this time round was slightly different
as my brother had a fall and had to (and still is) warded in the hospital.
it was also a time of realization.
so much has changed too ever since i left barely a year ago.
for the worse
it still make me wonder how can we every survive the impending doom that will engulf us in the years to come.
things used to be so much better the last time.

during my time here i decided to do a bit of home improvement projects for dad and mum as they were faithfully at the hospital most of their waking hours looking after my bro
thre out alot of redundant trash and reorganised the house, i seriously have never been so neat in my life. and then i stumbled upon my childhood toys which comprised of:

a sega megadrive with all the games, still fully working, my starcom, m.a.s.k, silverhawk, and one more series of toys which i forgot the name. those brought back memories which were but a grey area before i saw them. truly, the gift of sight does wonders to memory. not forgetting the countless mcdonalds happy meal toys which my mum had bought and kept aside for me.

it suddenly dawned on me... where did the time go? those happy times, of carefree-ness. where did they go. countless evenings of cartoons and tom & jerry...all gone with the wid. if i were to step into a toy store now, people would say i'm crazy. sigh. somewhere along the way i guess the joy just faded away. moving on to bigger things in life i guess. have you ever noticed how nice people treat kids compared to adults? makes me wonder if the pretence is worth it when the kids eventually find out that the world isn't Neverland after all. (but this is just me thinking out loud)

the buildings seemed to have changed too, construction everywhere, long-time shops being replaced by 1 hit wonders and the shallow tinge of fashion scents. the kids hold more PSPs that i have ever seen in my life and the drivers have become more retarded. what's up with that?

also got the opportunity to meet up with some poly friends... though the time was short, i did have a great time hanging out with them. looking back, it's been what...5 years since i last saw them and we still managed to meet up! indeed they were not just names on MSN.

i'm still enjoying my time here...but i am thinking hard this time. is the sacrifice well worth it?

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 17:18:00 +0000

pensive

for the past 3 weeks i was lost
transition from concrete jungle to
subterranean rainforest
waylaid by the elder
and robbed of my identity
there was no time for despair
no time for tears
just time for endless voiceless struggle
i lost myself
in the abyss of realism
and the gap between idealism
headaches on the
hard bed tossing and turning
until daybreak greets me in my
lucid state
trying to correlate
i can see anything in the dark
but then what is there which darkness hides?
half empty boxes strewn across the room
in this place i now call home
some day they will see
when my body turns to dust that my life was not what they imagined to be
forced and concealed to be hidden in earth
the spirit overcomes and flies away

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 01:51:00 +0000

One step at a time

i guess every research student would have probably felt the same way as the lyrics of this song...by Jordin Sparks

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 01:28:00 +0000

W.H.Y - The mother of all questions

Ok so i've been tagged. But i've got to say i'm breaking the rules with the number of friends thing cos most of my friends don't blog but hey this is still quite fun though.

Instructions: Remove 1 question from below, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged.

1. At what age do you wish to marry?
30
2. What is your most favorite thing to do?
dreaming. Both in wakefulness and in sleep
3. If you have a close close close friend since childhood who loves to take away whatever you like, including guys/girls, and he/she always wins, will you still consider him/her your friend?
nope. I’ll disown him from the beginning.
4. If you could change your sex for one day, would you want to? who would you call up and tell first?
nooo. to spare me the agony of thinking who will i call up
5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
to be able to wake up from it.
6. Do you believe you can survive without money?
as long as I am able bodied, yes
7. If you could turn back time, what would you have done differently?
I would not have taken a masters. Probably would have taken an honours or gone to work first.
8. You say "I love you" to your other half; describe your feelings for your partner right then in more words than one when you said it?
calm and flustered
9. If there's someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
yesh.
10. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
warm, charming and funny
11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
to not be untidy and forgetful because I am untidy and forgetful and if she is untidy and forgetful we both end up self destructing….
12. What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad?
being untidy and forgetful
13. What is your ambition?
I don’t know…seriously
14. Is anyone really perfect?
no. I am a misanthrope
15. If you had a choice to be rich or happy, which one would you pick ?
to be happy of course. There is no price u can pay for happiness (and convenience..but that it out of the topic)
16. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
my apathetic-ness
17. Who is the person that you can share all your problems with?
Jess
18. How do you see yourself in 10 years time?
Stable corporate job maybe? With a family and a menagerie of animals, maybe a few kids and one badass wolf-dog!
19. If someone had found a path to immortality to be bestowed upon you in exchange for one of your abilities, would you take it, and what would you sacrifice for it?
no. immortality would be useless if all my friends and family are dead
20. Which do you think marks more of sincerity? Blood or tears?
Tears. Its easy to shed blood.

Erina
Fabian
Lyly
Sam woo
Amias
Haoki
James Lucas Scott
Peyton Sawyer

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 04:48:00 +0000

reprise

big words little action
the endless grind for quest perfection
undaunted bated kicked in the face
tired of running this silly little race
wasted time once was mine a priceless
prize for Miss Realise
the streets are filled with memories and music of the day
which used to play,
now ring in ghostly disarray
these scars will stay forever
like removed nails in a fence
just like tears are worth
more than blood
are silent cries of the heart
an even though She flies so high
She knows she'll never die

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 14:24:00 +0000

lamentations

Sadness is an emotion characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, and helplessness. When sad, people often become quiet, less energetic, and withdrawn. - wikipedia

i'm plagued.
plagued with the unending weight of my damn literature review
and thesis
somehow there's this feeling that i've not done enough. it's still incomplete
which makes me want to sit down properly and improve it
but when that time come
fatigue kicks in
and then hopes of how wonderful it would be to finally hand in the damn thesis
false tears of joy will then well up
and this cycles goes on an on
but of course no one knows it
except my God and blogger
where did the time go
it's never too late for remorse i guess

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 04:44:00 +0000

restraint

have you ever had moments when you wanted to scream
but had no voice
or when you are feeling chatty like the world's #1 friendliest human
but have a recurring whooping cough which prevents you from saying a complete sentence
or when the speed limit of the road is 110km/h
but there is a road hogger in every lane of the expressway travelling at 20km/h
preventing you from overtaking
still can't relate?
how about adding stuff to a lit review by summarrising a 200-page report?
still can't?
it must be me then.
*grumbles*

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 19:04:00 +0000

Like a knife

I dream a lot,
I know you say
I've got to get away.
"The world is not yours for the taking"
Is all you ever say.
I know I'm not the best for you,
But promise that you'll stay.
Cause if I watch you go,
You'll see me wasting,
you'll see me wasting away

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both perfect and in pain
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame.

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

But what do I know, if you're leaving
All you did was stop the bleeding.
But these scars will stay forever,
These scars will stay forever
And these words they have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember

Stay with me,Or watch me bleed,
I need you just to breathe.

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 00:19:00 +0000

break me

1 presentation down, 1 final to go
1 thesis to complete, 8 days to bleed
somehow a part of me wants to just hand it up while another says to make it an uber one. i can see the finishing line but somehow its fading back into the distance. my minds a warp right now. i'm in a state of transition, ending but not finishing, to choose between working and living, is IT for me or what i thought was for me? as the days pass i begin to wonder if i've wasted 1.5 years doing nothing. i dont feel wiser, same distance from home. standing between continents. neither son nor friend. my friends used to know me personally, but now i am just a name, the skies are clearer here but i don't see the sun. is that what i am, searching for identity, a classification in this messy world?

i wait in the same spot
brain like a parking lot
with this traffic in my head
won't you kick me hard instead?

thank you August, for waking me up.

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 19:01:00 +0000

a reminder to self

You called my name
Reached out Your hand
Restored my life
And I was redeemed
The moment You entered my life

Amazing grace
Christ gave that day
My life was changed
When from my shoulders
Fell the weight of my sin

So it’s with everything I am
I reach out for Your hand
The hope for change
The second chance I’ve gained

On You I throw my life
Casting all my fears aside
How could greater love than this
Ever possibly exist

Consume my thoughts
As I rest in You
I’m now in love
With a Saviour
Bearing the marks of His love

So I’ll wait upon You now
With my hands released to You
Where a little faith’s enough
To see mountains lift and move
And I’ll wait upon You now
Dedicated to Your will
To this love that will remain
A love that never fails

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 14:19:00 +0000

Data analysis

hot water
OSK green tea
IKEA lamp
Saitek Eclipse II keyboard
hp laptop

just add magic

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 12:06:00 +0000

staying green

what's with the sudden craze of being green all of a sudden? over the past 3 days i have read and come across at least 3 articles about tips to stay green and calculate your carbon footprint. has the world finally realised that we've been harming Mother Earth? it's sad really; that only until now we are trying to make an effort to stay green. i used to remember collecting rough paper as a kid and eagerly wanting to throw them into the green recycling bins under my void deck (or were it yellow? one was for plastics and the other's for paper either way) thinking that i could make a difference until one day i realised i could not. how many apathetic souls can they convince in their bid to stay green right now?

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 14:56:00 +0000

realisation.

Shakespeare once wrote:

There is a tide in the affairs of men.
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures.

i wondered if i missed my tide. suddenly all those months of sleepwalking through my life's endeavour have paid off. I've got less than a month to my oral presentaion and my thesis is to be submitted a month after. somehow a part of me believes that i can pull off this stunt of creating a thesis of sufficient value within such a short period, whereas another part of me says that i am truly dead. so many things are hitting me right now, the masters, housing, the future. is my life as a student finally over? it kind of grieves me and i don't know why (actually i do it just seemed so cliche to add it in). they say you won't know how much something means to you until you lose it. how divinely true that is. no use crying now i guess. when a dog is desperate, it can jump over the wall. i guess my time is up, this is probably the part in a student's life where he realises there is just so much work to do that there is nothing else to do.

maybe i'll catch the next tide. after all, it comes in intervals of 12 hours.
SPARTANS! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty.
For tonight. WE DINE IN HELL

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 20:05:00 +0000

i write sins, not tragedies

the sins of m transgressions have
finally caught up with me
the time is
now
now
nOW.

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 02:43:00 +0000

melancholic

the beauty of words
and splendour of thoughts
what could have been
what might have been
impression upon impression
just a mere impressions
perceptions, conjured up by
melecholic feelings
wanting to release wanting to escape
but alas, like dreams
life goes on
irregardless of feelings.

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Fri, 16 May 2008 04:27:00 +0000

famous last words

"i'm not ready yet"
"i won't be gone a minute"
"i'll do it later"
"i feel so tired right now"
"after this nap"
"sian ahhhh"
"i've got no inspiration"
"maybe tomorrow"

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Thu, 15 May 2008 19:40:00 +0000

self disappointment (again!)

very smart jonathan.
you spent the whole night with the initial intention of doing research and ended up reading blogs and doing other non-research stuff on the Internet.
Now the sky's turning to light and you haven't slept.
well done.

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Wed, 07 May 2008 07:24:00 +0000

waking up.

referring to my previous post; after sitting at my desk for approximately 15 minutes.

i think i have to fucking wake up my idea right now.

so much have been said
so little done.
the price has been paid
but nothing's been won.

somehow or other i don't know why the hell am i so restless.
maybe the lights went out after the first 3 months
maybe i saw the aimlessness of it all
but why did i hold on? and continue to do so
for love for hope for glory or soul
either one i have not behold.

without passion we would all truly be dead.
but can we force passion to revive
like a pheonix in the sky
arising from its ashes?
an optimist always looks at the pheonix in that majestic light
but have they ever wondered that it has been cursed with the process
of repetition.
dying and arising till the end of time

noreply@blogger.com (valiance) — Wed, 07 May 2008 07:07:00 +0000

the emerald dream

its been yet a while since i last updated my blog.
somehow blogging seems to have lost all meaning to me
penning down ponders and bitching seems to have taken its toll on my
yet already demented mind
May is finally here and hell, its 5 months more till my thesis submission
And i have done jack squat
well done johnny
although somehow there is this voice in me which tells me that
everything would be alright in the end
i somehow sense that deep shit will come flooding my way.
deadline after deadline seems to pass me by
which moron told me that "as a postgraduate you will never have to chase deadlines"
he probably majored in marketing i guess.
am i in oblivion
or have i gone numb